btsh.org

by Glnzr

It was a wonderful week for 10 teams in BTSH, and a miserable week for the other 10. So to the Butchers, WTP (yikes guys), Agents, Ariel and Fresh Kills,  Gremmies, Bad Seeds, Sky Fighters, Anklebiters (Another yikes), and Hookers, you’ll find no salvation here. May the lord have mercy on your collective souls because the teams that beat you didn’t.

Third Star: Ramy
The Commissioner of Sads, Tim Cheveldae FanGirl, Gunthr Disrespecter, a BTSH and D5 Champion and all around very average man may have bumped up his stock. While the Vertz gave Hicks his record 3rd Off-Season-Championship,actual wins on the court have been few and far between for the Vertz. But Hicks set off the Beta Signal and Ramy answered with two goals and an assist, to beat the two-time finalists Cobra Kai. 
Well done Ramy. 

Second Star: Amit

The Most Underrated Player in BTSH Amit had himself a game. Two huge goals and a big assist to none other than Tracy M. led the Demons to a hard fought victory over the Butchers. And I also want to give a shoutout to Brad. With the Demons up 4-1 and around 15 seconds left, Brad had a lot of room to go to the net and take a shot. Instead he kept the ball to himself and then dumped it harmlessly to run out the clock. A rare act of sportsmanship in BTSH, where the winners usually try to runrule their defeated opponent. Well done, Brad. (Though it should be noted he also had delusions of grandeur when he took a full on slap shot and lied to the refs face saying his stick was below his knee.)

First Star: Karl

The Rainbows handed the Sky Fighters their first loss of the season in a shootout. Karl scored the game winner as well as adding one in regulation. You know…for us white men in our 40s life has been very hard. It’s good for one of us to finally be recognized for our accomplishments. Good job, Karl! 
And now the Rainbows finally have more points than the Agents. Until next week??? Tune in to the previews to find out what will happen before their actual game is played. 

Honorable Mentions:

Congrats to “Crack” on Fuzz for limiting FK to one goal in your first BTSH game.

Also Caitlin, Faz and Eva went toe to toe with Gabe, Louis, George and the others and came out on top. 

Jeff and Derek had 5 goals for Mega/Karma. I feel that should really be not only star worthy, but first star worthy. I’ve turned into Cat. I just hope everyone had fun. 

Boylan literally can’t count past 3 and thought the Lbs. won 3-0 and not 5-0. But she is very pretty. Not BTSH HOF pretty like Julie, but still…very pretty.

With Media participation a bit light this week—let’s blame it on 4th of July hangovers, and not writing fatigue (it’s only Week 6, guys!!)—may I present a half-version of Which Nautical Creature Are You?

Demons v Butchers

Based on the Demons’ reputation, the only fitting sea creature would be the dolphin. Sure, the dolphin may seem cute and cuddly, but don’t even get me started on the hell dolphins raise in the ocean. Devils they are. 

The Butchers on the other hand are the Goliath Grouper. Massive in size, these slow-moving forces of nature, can live up to 100 years old. By no means am I calling the Butchers old, but rather, if you let your guard down around them, they’ll pack a powerful punch and take you down. 

Hockey Prediction: Butchers put up a good fight, but Demons pull out the win, 4-2

Karma v WTP

Dingle: My comment from a few weeks ago still stands. I feel like Karma and WTP play each other every week. Karma’s coming off a surprising loss last week. I guess Creeden’s presence was felt more on the beer-depletion side than the hockey-playing side. 

With the smell of blood in the water from Karma’s first loss of the season, expect WTP to come out guns blazin’ with a chance to tie Karma in the Division standings. 

Prediction: Karma re-group, and with a dominant performance by Steve, win 5-1

Mega Touch v Agents

JW: After Week 1 this would have been a classic “stop, stop, he’s already dead” situation. But have the Agents……turned a corner? Speaking of Week 1, I played Mega Touch Week 1 and their relentless forecheck, hustling, and stifling defense were…….well, stifling (I never took any writing classes, ok?). If Greenwald and his secret Agents (secret in that no one knows who they are) can pace with Mega they may just have a chance to pull the upset. 

Prediction: The Agents cannot pace with Mega, and Julie’s V-neck and jorts crew run all over the opposition, 6-2.

Fresh Kills v Fuzz

JW: I saw that last week Gabe and Ariel were both present for FK, causing all the Vertz to (verbally) lament “another 1-goal loss”. This pandemic has really messed with my sense of time – is Gabe’s daughter old enough to play in the league yet? That could really give FK a boost here. Also, what generation are kids her age, anyway? Like, what comes after Z?? Ehh, it doesn’t matter, we all know how I feel about every generation that comes after X. Oops, this was supposed to be a hockey preview. At this point I’ll just go straight to the prediction.

Prediction: Gabe and Ariel show again, and hand Fuzz their first loss of the season. Let’s say…3-2. 

Hornswoggle: Fuzz already lost a game considering they collectively skipped one of their own games just to watch ECF Game 3—the Rangers lost that game (and all the games following it, unfortunately)! I have Fresh Kills riding high even through the Independence Day break, but it doesn’t go undisturbed by Fuzz’s terrifying consistency on the court. You’ll see talent up and down the roster of both teams, but I, like JW, honestly think the youth will prevail here, despite how merciless it is between the Tompkins asphalt, Mylec balls, and amateur athletes (or former professional ones, for the most part). Kills push Fuzz to their first recorded loss of the season, but by just.

Glnzr: What’s weird is during Fuzz’ dynasty, we never played FK in the playoffs. Last year we played an awesome regular season game vs. them to give them their first loss with their new guys. Can’t wait to give them another L. 

Cobra Kai v Vertz

Naturally the Dojo’s snake logo on their pinnies has them pegged as the Moray Eel. This snake-like beast is mostly found in saltwater, but some species have been known to live in freshwater. 

I don the Vertz the Australian Giant Cuttlefish entirely because of this bit I found online, “a creature with a huge brain, three hearts, creepy eyes, and a propensity for orgies.” If I know my team, that’s gonna get them fired up ahead of our game. 

Hockey Prediction: Frey considers joining the Vertz after reading this summary, and a back and forth affair ends with a Vertz shootout victory

Poutine v Gremlins

Not exactly a “sea” “creature”, but Poutine is Jacques Cousteau because…French. One of the pioneers of sea exploration, Poutine have had a similar path exploring their own success so far this season with a record of 4-1.

Gremlins are the Blob Sculpin because I want Walker to read about this unique creature in case it appears as a trivia question some time soon (or not so soon). 

Hockey Prediction: Poutine romp the Sculpins, 5-0. 

Bad Seeds v Riots

Hornswoggle: Both sides here are looking for a bounce back, so hunger on the court will be evident in this matchup. Neither loss in the previous week can be considered tragic for either team, but I’m sure all players in both teams were disappointed in the results. Well, chin up, rest, and recover: because for both sides once again, this matchup is winnable for either. But, who’s hungrier? Both teams have a trajectory of winning their respective divisions, and that means they have to rake in every point possible. While I think Mega has a more comprehensive side and will likely win, the tenacity the Riots have shown in 2022 is more apparent than in past years. And personally I am a Vanck fan, even after his 15 minutes of fame in The Amazing Race, so I’m rooting for him to score a goal or at least be a chance creator. He’s my protege so when I hang up my street Mercurials after a long career I’ve got a continuing legacy.

23andMia: I’m confused how Mega ended up in your preview @Hornswoggle. Are they so good they don’t even have to be in the game to win? (I can hear Alex EM’s voice now: “Yes. The answer is yes.”)

Sky Fighters v Rainbows

Hornswoggle: The second of a home-and-home matchup could have one of two results: the Skyfighters (y’all can’t stop me) will pad their stats including their record, or the Rainbows will deal the only true undefeated team’s first recorded season loss in a miraculous sequence of events. The players in navy have narrowly won each of their games, but they’ve won through attrition—even against Filthier in Week 2. Rainbows will have learned and reflected from their loss last game and turn the energy up in order to exact revenge. I think Aneury may well be the catalyst for it. Footwork to bamboozle, and sprint speed that is unmatched in the league: give him more opportunities to finish and he will do it consistently—that’s a promise. That said, the Rainbows will just edge out the Skyfighters in the 50-minute duel.

Filthier v Hookers

After much debate and discussion amongst the Media, Filthier hath been deemed, the Yellowfin Tuna. Fun lil fact about Yellowfin—they can grow up to 6ft and 400 lbs, and swim 50mph. 

And after no debate or discussion, Hookers are Lions. Because it gives me a reason to post this incredible scene from The Other Guys. 

Hockey Prediction: Filthier edge out Hookers 4-3. 

Lbs v Anklebiters

For an area as expansive as the ocean, I’m running out of sea creatures. 

Lbs. are Catfish solely because of Caitlin’s love of cats. That’s all I’ve got.

Would it be too much of a layup to have Anklebiters be Dogfish? Yes, but idgaf. Yes, a dogfish is a real animal, and no, it does not look anything like a dog. 

Hockey Prediction: If Probie plays, 2-1 Anklebiters. If he’s at wedding #153 of the year, Lbs. win 3-1.

By Glnzr

This week’s Three Stars of the Week:

Third Star***

Louis Fresh Kills

Out of all the new FK guys, Louis is by far my favorite. Props to him on getting engaged but even more props to him for helping FK hand the Vertz yet another 1 run loss. (Though who knows if he actually showed to the game)

Second Star**

LJ Cobra Kai

Wow..LJ looks stunning in this classic Cecil(e) Harambe shirt! But this second star isn’t about her past great taste for fashion. It’s about stepping up as Captain as half the team was at Russ wedding. While those of us snubbed did not attend, at least LJ made the most of it by scoring a huge goal in CK’s victory over the Biters.

First Star*

Greenwald and Tyler

Agents…I’m proud of you. After getting demolished the first 2 games of the year, I didn’t think you’d get a win this season. But you guys came together, lost in OT and now stole a victory from the Bad Seeds. Tyler had 2 goals and Greenwald played great in net. Congrats to everyone but Jesus…get some real shirts.If you don’t have new digs by the end of July, you’re getting a Not Star. 

Honorable Mentions by “The Media”:

*Sean M notched 2 of Filthiers’s 3 goals (including the game winner to break the 2-2 tie with 8 seconds left in regulation) and helped hand Karma their first loss

*Commissioner Nico for doing everything++ while co-commish Russ was too busy getting married to help. She replenished First Aid supplies after someone seemingly stole the original kit (Not Star to that person), may or may not have found a new recycling can, and just generally went above and beyond on the behind-the-scenes stuff so everyone else could have a great day at the courts.

by various media members

Fuzz v Lbs

Glnzr: Frey we are trendsetters! We didn’t play on a perfectly fine day so now no one did.
I never use this word, but Heroes!

Alex: I just want two things down for the record: a) we had a full lineup ready to go that day minus Zisser and Kelsey, and b) most of the people who complained about our game being postponed were probably the same ones who complained about having a draft in the Walker Tournament years ago.  Would love to have them on my D5 team just so I could trade them and watch the fireworks.  Anyways, as far as this matchup I have no idea who is showing up for Fuzz.  I haven’t taken attendance yet but we won’t have Scotty, Cherie or Avery and possibly more.  Should we just postpone again?  I’d like to see some division 4 players have further mental breakdowns, let’s make it happen.

Jess: This is how you guys look to me (and prob the rest of the league) rn.

Alex: Spiderman is an elite superhero, I’ll take it.

Rainbows v Sky Fighters

Jess: I’m missing this game, or should I say series since the powers that be decided to put our Sky Fighters games back-to-back this year WHEN I’M ON VACATION, HICKS. I’m going to split the difference and say each team will walk away with a hard-fought victory with game 1 going to the Sky Fighters 3-2. 

Alex: I’m going to say one team will walk away with a victory, and it will be the Sky Fighters.  5-2.

CATT: It’s pride week so I predict no one walks away, everyone sashays away instead! Sky Fighters do sashay away with the victory though…

Agents v Bad Seeds

Hornswoggle: Bottom division barnburner. Seeds are just about dominating their group, even notching a win against a third division rival. But The Agents are building chemistry and momentum as well, and this particular matchup will be a statement game for them. I’m expecting a lot of running, 50/50 clashes, and hunger from both sides. Seeds will take the match, but not without a blitz at the outset from The Agents.

Dingle: I love the bottom division games because sometimes they’re absolute wild cards. The game can be 8-6 with hat tricks from players on both teams or an unsuspecting goalie can stand on their head and blank the opposition. For entertainment purposes, let’s hope for a high-scoring affair 

23andMia: The Agents might be hitting a groove, but I suspect they’re not yet acclimated to playing in 87 degree heat whereas The Bad Seeds are old pros. Scotty Seed decides to show up, rousing the team in cheers about BS and scores a hat trick that seals the win.

Anklebiters v Cobra Kai

Glnzr: Anklebiters already toppled FK and if anyone besides Sarah could score on a penalty shot they would have beat Fuzz. But CK is a tougher matchup since they never give up scoring chances. Plus no Probie. 3-1 for the bad guys. 

Alex: It appears half of Cobra Kai will be missing this game for Russ’ wedding. Full credit to Russ for (presumably) having sex, but also for giving the Biters a shot to pull the upset.  Won’t be easy without Probert, who himself seems to be at a wedding every other weekend, but I’m betting on the underdog against a severely shorthanded dojo. 3-2 Biters.

23andMia: Pretty surprised Russ’s nuptials are not at BTSH as he and Allicat are sidelines staples. I really feel like I’ve seen Alli and her chair at games where Russ hasn’t even been around. Nevertheless, the game ends 1-1 in regulation, just like an equal partnership. But then The Biters take the W in OT and the power dynamic shifts. Blame ensues, therapy is sought, some might play for other teams here and there but they always return…all live happily ever after.

WTP v Hookers

Jess: WTP has an eclectic resume this season. From eking out a win against the Vertz to a comfortable no-Probie Biters win to a 4 goal loss against Karma, they’re kind of all over the place. The Hookers have a similarly hard-to-read season, their 2 wins coming as 1-goal games. I’m jet lagged and not sure if any of that made sense but TLDR this could be anyone’s game HOWEVER I am going to give it to WTP 2-0. 

Glnzr: Stand for something Jess. WTP 2-0. 

Hicks: The hookers have a lot of talented guys that no one is talking about and rumor has it multiple players on the team will be in rainbow tutus for this one. Give me the hookers in an “upset” and a side order of trauma from having to see lee in a tutu twice in under a month. 

Jess: LITERALLY did he even read what I said?! Excellent meme usage. 

Karma v Filthier

Glnzr: Michael Jackson popcorn meme.

*Editor’s note: Writers are required to make/insert their own memes. No freebies. 

Hicks: Karma by 4 or 5 for the second time this season. #neverforget

JW: Historically this would have been an easy one to call, with the obvious victory going to Filthier. However, Isaac and co. are now a powerhouse who could win the PBR Cup this year. Karma also have the goaltender edge, this week. The addition of the Salt Boyzzz will give Filthier a chance, but ultimately this one will go the way all of Karma’s games this season have gone. 

Prediction: 5-2 Karma, but we still miss Nicole. 

CATT: Karma’s teal unis reappear, dazzling filthier with their blinding beauty. Karma lends Filthier some Pit Vipers to help them deal with the aforementioned blinding beauty during the game (cause we’re nice like that). Filthier can’t really pull them off and they don’t play well as a result. Shocking everyone, they go home right after (losing) the game. 3-1, Karma.

Vertz v Fresh Kills

Hornswoggle: Jack a 10 but damn he chose to move at the worst time. Also a Wild fan so there’s that. Man will have to bench himself because the rest of the team will be playing defense against those French-Canadians, and y’all know he can’t stand playing D. Criticism of Vertz doesn’t mean the Kills are perfect, though; their losses may suggest they’ve encountered moments of misfortune because the league knows how stacked the roster is. And even playing through some moments of bad calls, bounced balls, and missed opportunities, the expectation is that Fresh Kills will take this match handily.

Glnzr: These two teams have arguably been the most disappointing so far. FK should contend for a championship but they are 2-2 and lost to a Probieless Anklebiters. Meanwhile the much talked about Vertz is 1-3, with their only win vs. Jess and the Rainbows. I think whoever shows up this week will come to play and it will be a super intense Vertz upset victory, 4-3. 

Riots v Mega Touch

JW: Since Jessica recently brought up the 1991 classic My Girl, I figured I would make a comparison here. The Riots are like Thomas J. in that: they wanted to be an astronaut, they can’t see without their glasses, and (spoiler alert)…..they’re going to die.

Glnzr: In the olden days, this should be GOTW. Eric Ramirez is shooting for MVP status by turning the Riots to a 3-1 record. New addition Kev is also helping this turnaround. Meanwhile, Mega is also 3-1 with new recruit Alex leading the way. This should be a really good game…but I gotta go with Mega 3-2. 

23andMia: This match up brings together two teams with really strong female players. They know it, we know it. But it’s not ego that bests the losers, it’s Pride: Mega takes it since there’s a good chance some key Riots will be elsewhere celebrating just being as a win.

Butchers v Gremlins

CATT: Gremlins versus Butchers sounds like a terrifying nightmare, but in actuality will be a blowout. Butchers take the gremlins out back and string ’em up for the slaughter. Oh wait…that still sounds rather terrifying. 4-0 butchers.

Hicks: who wants to be 1-4 more? (The answer is actually the Vertz). 

Steven: I am pretty pumped that one of these teams is going to get their first win of the season. What a time to be alive! It seems both teams have an issue scoring and you need one goal to win (except if we are in LOLSHOOTOUT world, where you need one LOLSHOOTOUT goal to win). I think we may have a 1-0 Butchers win on our hands. 

Poutine v Demons
Alex: Just a couple years ago this matchup would be prime fodder for speculation about how no one wants to ref this game and a brawl could break out at any moment.  Refs probably still don’t want to touch it due to sheer reputation but these teams have changed a lot.  Poutine remains a young scrappy bunch but keeps their cool way better than they used to while the Demons are far more concerned with partying and drugs than they are with winning these days, which is good because they have one win and unlimited drugs.  You absolutely love to see it.  Should be a hard fought matchup but I’m backing Poutine Reboot 5-3.

Hicks: this game hurts my shins.

Dingle: It may be early in the season, but all signs are pointing to a showdown between Poutine and Mega Touch for the Division 3 crown. Poutine are 3-1 on the year and have gotten some all around scoring from their squad with Pagsy (I believe he’s one of the 7 tied with 3 goals) leading Poutine in scoring this year thanks to a Week 1 hat trick. Demons on the other hand have an inverse record of 1 and 3. In their first game since the Celtics lost in the championship, let’s see if Jenn and Yeff take out their NBA frustrations on our own basketball court(s)* 

*If they’re playing on the West Court, I guess they’re technically not playing on one of the basketball courts

by cristo_the_hawk

More #surprisecontent ahead of father’s day weekend. Thanks to everyone who participated (and those whose partners sent their photos in possibly against their will)! Answers are at the bottom.

1. Team: Riots

2. Team: LBS

3. Team: WTP

4. Team: WTP

5. Team: Sky Fighters

6. Team: Fresh Kills

7 & 8. Team(s): Vertz, Hookers

9. Team: Gremlins

10. Team: free agent, (hint: formerly WTP)

11. Team: Karma

ANSWERS: 1) Margot 2) Roberts 3) Emily 4) Henry 5) Carley

6) Gabe 7/8) Sarah & Cheeky 9) Walker 10) Annie 11) AK