btsh.org

By Glnzr

BTSHers,

The Media realizes if we’re going to celebrate the 3 Stars of the Week, we really should be fair and bash the 3 players/teams that shamed themselves, their family, this league, and their country. If you get a Not Star please don’t take it the wrong way. This is meant to damage your psyche and mentally break you down, as you did to us with your wretched hockey.

*** The Vertz
After stealing all our best players and promising to dismantle teams 10-0, the Vertz opened with a dud. They were down 3-0 to the 2019 Schlitz Cup Champs WTP and laid an egg. Then they do the thing and make an incredible comeback which would be talked about forever but then they somehow lose in a LOLShootout. For shame, for shame. #RuinedCutler #ShouldHaveBroughtChloe 

** Anklebiters/Fuzz

In 2008 the Anklebiters played the Happy Little Elves after the season ended and Derk and Elly simply wrote, “Bad Hockey” in their previews. They were right as the Biters beat the Elves 9-0. Bad Hockey returned as we watched the worst shootout in the history of any type of hockey. It ended up going 22 rounds and Jeff almost had a hat trick as he went a ridiculous three times and scored twice. Every player from Fuzz missed twice besides Jeff and Ryann who happened to score. Most Biters missed twice as well, besides Probie and Sarah M. who scored to keep the LOLOLOLMAOshootout alive. Props to Chris and Jamie for enduring this atrocity in net. 

* Liam

Liam did not get a hat trick yesterday so all he is getting is this over-pixelated picture.

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

Hello sports fans!!! Welcome to week 1 previews with myself and Dingle. We’ve got an exciting roster of new media writers so expect fun, silly, and sometimes serious hockey previews. As always please direct any grievances about our totally made up media for a totally intramural hockey league to our totally non-existent complaints department.

Riots vs The Agents

Cristo: This is going to be interesting. Ramirez has left the now defunct Rehabs to play goalie for the Riots, giving them some much needed defensive power. Meanwhile, nobody has any idea how this all-new all-free agent team will be but if the FAs are anything like the competition we’ve seen in the past years, they’re bound to have some talent. New captain Josh says they’re “looking to take the league by storm in our first season.” I think this one will be a tight battle of team chemistry but ultimately go to The Agents winning 3-2.

Dingle: For me, priority number one is for The Agents to pick a team name. Unless “The Agents” is their name. Nobody tells us anything.

Mega Touch vs Gremlins

C: Jamie may be back for the Gremlins this season but I’m not sure if he alone will be enough to help them rebound from a 2-win season last year. Mega Touch is new to the 3rd Division but they’ve proven time and time again they can hang with the big(ger) dogs. Both teams have retained a lot of their players and are no stranger to scrappily playing against each other.

D: Welcome back Jamie! Nothing like being eased back into BTSH by going head-to-head against Mega’s stacked female squad of Shelly, Tash, Courtney, and Julie. Prediction, 4-1 Mega.

Butchers vs Poutine

D: The Pou Cru are on a mission this year. It’s Sully’s last season before heading out West and the captain formerly known as Tadpole has jumped ship to captain a different team. But even with Jack, Totis, and yours truly heading to the Vertz, this is still a dangerous Poutine team that finished 7th in the standings last year. 

C: I think it’s important to note Jack has not stayed on the same team for more than 1 season in his entire tenure of BTSH—but enough shitting on Jack and more about Poutine. I noticed they have a lady goalie this year, that’s sure to make for an interesting on-court line up with the ‘2 females on’ rule. According to one Butchers player, “About half of the team has had or is having a baby in the last 4 months.” [Congrats to Pete, Jake, Chadwick, Rachel & Art!] Not sure how this will bode for them. I think Poutine still takes the W, 3-0.

Demons vs Sky Fighters

C: Woof, talk about a grudge match, this is a hotly contested game with two teams of the same playing ability. In my opinion, the Sky Fighters could easily be in the 3rd Division but due to several unlucky breaks in the last few seasons have stayed stuck in the 4th. With some old faces returning, this just might be their year. Despite Neil, DRo, Zach, and Jeff all being pretty formidable scorers and Rubens/Gene being generally formidable, I’ll start off strong with Demons bias and say they will lose to the Sky Fighters 4-3 in a very physical (as physical as one can get in BTSH) match.

D: This will definitely be a high-scoring one with Fighters and Demons each packing a big offensive punch. Skyfighters, please keep Emily away from Gene’s dog, because we might never see her again if she gets too close. 

Rainbows vs Bad Seeds

C: When the Rainbows faced off against the ‘old’ Bad Seeds last year (gut rot/math combo) it was a tight game but in my unbiased opinion with Mike S, the newly minted Rainbow’s goalie, and last year’s entire team returning it just might be an easier game for the bows.

D: Unbiased my ass. Prediction: Rainbows will be too busy admiring their 15th and 16th different alternate jerseys and the revamped Bad Seeds (love the name and logo btw) will squeak out a win, 2-1. 

C: You have no leg to stand on when it comes to jerseys just wait until the league sees the Vertz ‘logo’. Also, Cat B would like a word with you about her blood sweat and tears that went into designing our jerseys on Custom Ink. 

Filthier vs Fresh Kills

C: Okay this might actually be a bloodbath considering Tim K was the only thing Filthier had going for them last season and I’m sure the Fresh Kills Five + Meg + Colby field hockey team + Gabe is hungry for goals after not playing any ball hockey since last October.

D: I’ll be honest, with James, Ann, and Tim K gone, I don’t know too many Filthier players. But I know Fresh Kills and I know they can score a bunch. This might indeed be a bloodbath. Fresh Kills win 6-0. 

Cobra Kai vs Lbs

C: lol all of the CK dudes are away for Russ’ bachelor party this weekend. What kind of a commissioner abandons his league the first game of the season?! Thank god for Nico. With the Lbs just suffering the loss of Scott I think they will be okay with Sam, Frey, Kelsey, Hilary, Avery, Cherie, Jason and whatever other ringer Frey managed to sneak into this league undetected. CK has added another team traitor (Charlotte from Poutine) providing some defensive firepower with LJ but Sienna and JJ can’t carry the whole dang offense. Frey loves saying how much I hate to root for the Lbs so you’re welcome in advance, this one will go to them, 5-1.

D: Not a great start for The Dojo with half (or more?) of their guys gone. If any players would like to stage a coup against Russ’ leadership, you can sign up here.

Hookers vs Karma

C: The Hookers have a good mix of older staple players (Danillo is both old and a staple) and younger incoming talent. As new captain Cheeky said, “I think we will be very evenly matched and it will come down to stamina, shots on goal, and the psychos between the pipes”. Speaking of psychos between the pipes, I look forward to Steven’s email after the game about how everyone on Karma deserves a star.

D: We had a Vertz/Karma scrimm a couple of weeks ago, and without pumping their tires too much, Karma are dangerous. A lot of offensive threats + Cat, Isaac, and Kev Boat’s shut-down D + Flowzilla Steve in net = a lot of crooked scores this season. Karma wins 6-3.

What the Puck vs Vertz

C: The Vertz have their work cut out for them in their debut game. WTP has suffered the loss of Ed in goal and Annie has gone rogue as a free agent sub coming off her surgery but Henry, Tarnow, McCauley, Hogg and John C are a formidable matchup for Hicks, Jack, Russo, Andrea, Jaimie and Sarah. This one might just come down to goalkeeping and with Tim K in net for the Vertz I begrudgingly predict the Vertz winning 4-2. 

D: The true indicator for how the Vertz will play this season will come down to a) how hungover the collective team is from Saturday shenanigans and b) how many beers will be drank before a later 5pm or 6pm start time. Expect the Vertz to come in hot and for Saucey to try to hit on you*. 

*Assuming Saucey ever comes back from Massachussettes. 

Fuzz vs Biters

C: booooo fuzz. Shouldn’t you guys be playing in some high-intensity tournament in Feasterville instead of casual beer league hockey? Biters have much of the same squad they’ve had for the last 15 years. You know it’s a problem when Probie is the ‘youngest’ guy on the team (the manbun isn’t fooling anyone!!!) but somehow they prevail thanks to unmatched team chemistry and Sarah M, Shannon, Lexie, and Alex for being in shape to make up for all the old dudes.

D: Big Fuzz fan, here. In the entire time I’ve been in the league, they’ve been the only team to have won the championship. Three straight championships is amazing. Four straight is a dynasty. But let’s be honest, Glnzr is getting old*, and they need him to score. 

*he’s already old

Bonus #content: Free Agent Scrimmage Love

And lastly, Russ wanted to give some big thank you’s and shout outs to Walker, Isaac, and McCauley. Here is your commissioner’s attempt at a write up: after pulling an all-nighter saving babies and puppies from a burning building, Walker and Isaac took the day off their busy dating schedules with New York’s top models to run another successful free agents Scrimmage. Isaac, who can only be described as totally jacked, got the day going despite the challenge of having the lockboxes being raided of necessary equipment, (while unproven this act of vandalism was most likely done by members of team Fuzz). Walker, who was a minus 15 on the day, ultimately finished the day strong by closing the courts with an assist from McCauley (a member of the 2021 all hands team of BTSH).”

Russ also wanted to shout out DGR for playing in goal all day, Akhil for scoring a sick goal, and Glnzr for not being at the scrimmage and “putting everyone in a much better mood for it”. 

SEE YOU SUNDAY!

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

If you haven’t heard already, there’s a new BTSH regime in charge. Russ and Nico are taking the reins from The Meatbox™ and Madame Commisionherr as heads of the league, and there will be sweeping changes across the board. 

We, your devoted, faithful, and amazingly good-looking media team have been given new instructions on how to create content for this beautiful league—and how to update y’all on what each team has been up to.

The following propaganda article on this off-season’s affairs is entirely true*, and has been spoken to us by our Supreme Leaders, Russ and Nico. There will be no Facebook comments as there will be nothing to dispute or debate. This is fact*. As Russ said to us in a vaguely threatening email regarding journalistic integrity, “Doesn’t matter. Print it.” 

*might not be true or fact

Here is their decree:

4th Division

Bad Seeds

The Bad Seeds are on a team-name probation period after last year’s lackluster “Rotten Math”. If probation is broken, Glnzr gets to rename the team. 

Rainbows

The entire team stood outside Yetter and Tarnow’s respective apartments in the off-season holding up a boombox, reminiscent of Say Anything (yes Walker, we know the movie), in a last-ditch effort to win them back. TBD on if it worked. 

Riots

The team has decided to have a captainless season, in the spirit of socialism and groupthink.

Sky Fighters

After an off-season of having nobody poached, the Sky Fighters are looking to trade away their best talent for salary cap reasons.

New FA team, The Agents

Zog Sports kicked all of these people out of its kickball league and they’re trying their luck with ball hockey.

3rd Division

Mega Touch

Courtney and Tash both beat Rich in a preseason arm wrestling contest, relegating Mega Touch to 1st Division in place of Fuzz—oh and new team jerseys will be deep v necks, per Alex EM’s suggestion.

Demons

Jenn has cut everyone from the team and replaced them with prominent Barstool podcasters; upon hearing the news Jeff has gone on to form Demons 2 while Neil & D Ro decided to become Phish groupies and are going on their 12th straight day of shows.

Gremlins
Before their first game the team will do a group TikTok dance led by Walker, gen z’s biggest fanboy.

Butchers

Took acid at Great Wolf Lodge in November as a team-bonding experience. Nobody has seen anyone from the Butchers since. 

Poutine

Have all learned Thai this off-season and will only communicate on the court in Thai. They also got matching Captain Mikey tattoos.

2nd Division

Hookers

The Hookers are bringing back a bit of 1980s hockey and will be playing all their games in Cooperalls this year. Seven people from the league know what Cooperalls are.

Karma

After failing to buy the majority share of the brand, Pit Viper, Karma has been working on creating a rival brand of sunglasses. They will not wear Pit Vipers at all this year. 

Vertz

The Vertz have been forced to redo their team logo about 6-9 times in the preseason because Custom Ink legally could not screen print it on a shirt.

Filthier
Jack aka the Jackuum is the new goalie in lieu of Tim K’s departure.

What the Puck
Henry initially pledged to shave his head if WTP wins the PBR cup this year, Hogg suggested it would be more motivating if they shaved off a spot on his head after every victory leading up to The Big Shave during playoffs.

1st Division

Lbs
Frey has recruited two 18 year olds from the Russian ball hockey scene and in 2042 Cherie’s son will join the team per her Lbs contract. 

Fresh Kills
Fresh Kills took Russ out to LPR in the off season and left him with their bar tab.

Fuzz

Under the new league leadership, Fuzz are forbidden from winning a 4th straight championship. If they do, an ancient curse that lays dormant around Tompkins will be unleashed and a volcano will erupt in the East Village. Lower East Side will be safe. Fuck it, let’s throw Murary Hill into the curse too.

Biters

The Biters don’t believe in Big Dental^TM and view brushing your teeth as more of a ‘nice to have’ because plaque is actually better than tooth enamel.

Cobra Kai
Russ has already declared them the champion of the 2022 season after going undefeated without yet playing a game. Russ is also raising league dues to siphon the money for 18k gold snake necklaces for all of the dojo. Praise be. 

BTSH is back, baby! To clear up any confusion, check out the below links to do one (or both) of the following:

FREE AGENT REGISTRATION – for the folks who haven’t landed a team yet. sign up to be on the FA list and teams can see your info and invite you to sub (or blindly add you for the whole season if your resume is impressive).

FREE AGENT SCRIMMAGE – Sunday, April 24th @ 1pm at Tompkins Square Park. this is where you can show off and let the team’s see your stuff. sign up, show up, ***wear the color red***, and bring a good attitude (dicks will not be permitted on the courts).

TEAM REGISTRATION – if you are already on a team, do your captains a favor and sign up so they don’t have to send that third email.

SEE YOU ALL AT THE COURTS SOOOOOON. -your media overlords <3

PS- in a desperate plea for media writers, JOIN US. sure, you might have to ‘work’ with Glnzr, but did we mention you get paid per article? and if you write enough articles yes, even you too can get invited to our prestigious media chinatown dinner where we decide on end of season awards. email mediabtsh@gmail.com if you’re intrigued.

By Glnzr

If you google “Most Successful BTSH Career Ever” undoubtedly, a picture of our last 2021 BTSH HOFer will appear. 

Ugh, it’s some douchebag named Nathan Hodel who used to play for the Arizona Cardinals. 

Anyways, the person I was referring to is none other than Ariel. 

The point is I’m not sure anyone has had a better BTSH career than Ariel. He has tied for the most championships with 4. He has the only OT goal in BTSH Championship history and this is officially the 3rd best picture in BTSH history. 

I’m so sorry Julie.

Ariel started his career with Bad Touch in 2008. After two games, he said deuces to Devlin and Alex and joined Fresh Kills (For the record Jess, saying deuces was in, in 2008). Ariel is known for being one of the smartest players on the court and certainly this decision proves his off-court smarts are on point as well. Fresh Kills won the championship over the Hookers 3-2, in one of the biggest upsets ever. The 2008 FK have the most HOFers of all time with Soko, Dave GDR, Amy, Bob and now Ariel. 

While Ariel loves playing for stacked Fresh Kills, he also enjoys playing for the underdogs. In 2014 he joined the all female team Dependable Scrap. And a week after scoring the OT championship goal for FK, he led the all girl team to a championship by unbelievably scoring another OT championship goal, after a great save by Jamie, a smart dump in by Schuey and a great pass by Jeff.  

In 2017 he won his first of two World Championships in Ocean City with Cecil Harambe.

So with tied for the most championships ever won…the only OT goal in Championship Game history and honestly, one of the best teammates you can ever ask for, congrats Ariel. This was long overdue.