btsh.org

by christo_the_hawk

PBR Cup

Semi Finals

Lbs v Fuzz: It was tight until the end of the second half, when Ryann scored the game winner, followed quickly by Jeff and an empty netter for a 3-0 win.

Cobra Kai v Karma: A nail biter game, with The Dojo winning with just 1 goal on the day thanks to Sienna, 1-0.

Finals

Cobra Kai v Fuzz: A repeat of the 2018 for this year’s finals. The Dojo struck first with an awesome tip in from Russ. Both Tim and Campbell played unreal games. Fuzz came back when all hope seemed lost and by the middle of the 2nd half was up 3-1. A scramble in front of the Fuzz goal came away with a +1 for Cobra Kai and with 6 minutes left, the score was 3-2. With plenty of chances, CK wasn’t going to give up and was relentless. They pulled their goalie and Fuzz capitalized, with an empty net goal from Jeff to seal the game 4-2, and cement Fuzz as 3-peat PBR Cup Champions.

Schlitz Finals

The Sky Fighters forfeited due to lack of participation cementing THE DARK RAINBOWS as your Schlitz Cup Champions.

Media Awards

In case you missed it, here’s who won.

Rookie of the Year: Abby (karma), Louis-Phillippe (fresh kills)

Captain of the Year: Emily and Greg (Sky fighters)

Best Defense: Andrea (fuzz) Ryan (fuzz)

Goalie of the year: Casca (cobra kai)

Most Underrated: Jake (sky fighters), Jaimie (rotten math)

Best Duo: Gabe and his 5 French Canadiens (fresh kills)

Sweetest Disposition: Ramy (rehabs)

Snark, Style, and Finesse: Erica (Hookers)

Upset of the Year: Biters in their 3-0 win over Rehabs r1 of playoffs

Least Improved: Courtney (mega)

Russ Hamilton Heel Move of the Year: Annie (What the Puck)

Tia L Cinematic Moment of the year: Sarah M and Caroline (Biters)

Time Hogg Award for Volunteering: Hogg (What the puck)

Hall of Fame Inductees

Eric (rehabs)

Dianne (gut rot)

Sarah (rotten math)

Ariel (fresh kills)

Thank you all for an amazing season! BTSH could not function without the people who put their time and effort into this league. See you all next year!

xoxo christo & Dingle

It’s that time of year again folks. For us to place down the nominees and slowly…back away. To shed some light on the process: we send out an anonymous form to all the captains to submit who they think deserves a nomination (on their team or not); we select the nominees with the most mentions. If a category is lacking clear-cut nominees, we supplement with worthy players. Then, an esteemed panel of media experts gather to discuss (and create some new award categories of our own). And remember, if you get upset about any of this….this is a beer intramural sports league so maybe re-evaluate your life choices. Without further ado, BTSH 2021 Media Award Nominees

Oh yeah one more thing, all awards and Hall of Fame inductees will be announced at a brief gathering at the courts after the finals!

Rookie of the Year: Female

Self explanatory, with a short season it’s been even harder for rookies to make their mark…so it’s all the more impressive when other teams take notice. ROTY, in true BTSH spirit, is not always given to the clear cut best player. It’s often given to someone who also prioritizes making friends across the league and trying to improve it.

Emily, Rehabs

Abby, Karma

Ellexa, Biters

Lily, Fresh Kills

Rookie of the Year: Male

It pains me I even have to say this but no, you cannot nominate “all 5 of the french canadian guys on fresh kills”. But you CAN nominate “the fresh kills guy with the fancy name”

I am interpreting the fancy name as Louis-Phillippe (no offense, George) on Fresh Kills

Jeff O, Demons

Sam F, Lbs

Austin, Karma

Phil D. Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence (Captain of The Year)

Emily and Greg, Sky Fighters

Jess and Cat, Rainbows*

Isaac, Karma

Julie, Mega

*Editor’s note: we really did get nominated several times, even though it may have been out of pity. (we won’t be formally considered due to the both of us, ya know, being on the media)

Best Defense: Female

Sarah H, Rotten Math

Tash, Mega

Margot, Riots

Andrea, Fuzz

Best Defense: Male

Ryan H, Fuzz

Frey, Lbs

Eric T, Rainbows

Jon C, Poutine

Craig ‘Kentucky Wristwatch’ Lacombe Award – for flamboyance and extraordinary feats in goaltending

My favorite submission was “kills me, but Friedman”

Friedman, Karma

Cam, FA

Dicky, Poutine

Casca, Cobra Kai

Most Underrated: Female

Hillary, Lbs

Rachel L, Cobra Kai

Brianna, Karma

Jaimie, Rotten Math

Most Underrated: Male

Jake K, Sky Fighters

Nate, Mega Touch

Alex Morin, Poutine

Wes, Rainbows

Derek and Eli Award for Best Duo

Derek and Austin (Karma)

Gabe and his 5 French Canadien Fresh Boys (Fresh Kills)

Friedman and Emailing the Media (Karma)

Claire and Susie (What the Puck)

Tracy M. Award for the Player with the Sweetest Disposition

Mikayla (Lbs)

Ramy (Rehabs)

Shannon (Biters)

Akhil (Butchers)

Rachel Greene Award for Snark, Style, and Finesse 

Nico (Poutine)

Erica (Hookers)

Tim K (Filthier)

Jerome (Poutine)

Upset of the Year

Biters 3-0 win over Rehabs in r1 of playoffs

Lbs vengeance shoot out win over Fuzz in week 1*

*this is more so upsetting…to Rich…because Annie, his nemesis, scored it

Sky Fighters over Hookers 4-3 in week 6

Hookers over Rehabs 4-1 in week 2

Least Improved

This should be self explanatory but it’s usually *Larry David Voice* pretty, pretty good players who are so good there’s no hope of them improving (and if they do, god help us all).

Kelsey (Lbs)

Courtney (Mega)

Erich G (Gremlins)

Yetter (Cobra Kai)

Russell Hamilton Heel Move of the Year

A new category put forth by Rich, these are moments that aren’t exactly evil but we will gladly give everyone shit for this all season long.

Annie (WTP) for scoring for every team but her own

Russ (Cobra Kai) for poaching Yetter 3 days before the season began

Everyone (BTSH) using the excuse their Canadian teammates were ‘stuck in Canada’ for exemptions

Frey (Lbs) letting Annie shoot over actual Lbs women in the shootout winner vs Fuzz

Tia L. Cinematic Moment of the Year

These are moments that make our league special and different than any other league in the country, according to Rich. Aptly named after Tia, who is always capturing amazing moments at the courts on camera.

Sarah M and Caroline each scoring a hat trick in the same game (Biters)

Mega Touch coming in 5th place overall

The random Free Agent team (Pork Dumplings) winning the 3v3 tournament

Campbell (Cobra Kai) knocking over 2 white claws, chugging them, and scoring the game winning goal in the All Star Game

The award for Gratuitous Volunteering and Keeping the League from Becoming a Sinking Ship

-Hogg (WTP) for reffing, cleaning, ref managing

-Sarah H (Rotten Math) she cleans the courts A LOT rain or shine

-Alexa (Fuzz) for tirelessly scheduling all the refs

-Isaac (Karma) for running the media for like…7 years

That’s all, folks! See you at the courts!

by Jess and Glnzr, feat. Dingle

The next round of playoffs is here and we’ve got a spicy round of 8. Here are our brief thoughts and predictions and a friendly ask to take photos of game play (and send to the media) so I don’t have to keep using barely laughable memes.

FK vs Lbs

Jess: The Lbs struggled early against the Sky Fighters last week while FK breezed by the Rainbows. My unbiased media opinion: I think FK takes this in OT and it’s not because of the sheer number of French Canadian dudes (the Lbs guys easily match them in skill), but because their female players are better than the Lbs girls. My biased media opinion: I’d like to see the underdogs win, but also what world are we in where the Lbs are the ‘underdogs’. 

Russo: I have no idea what state Ariel lives in these days.

Rich: FK has superstar depth that the Lbs. don’t have. Avery/Sam vs. Gabe/French Canadian 1 is around equal but the next 3 best players are prob FC 2-4. Meg is the best woman (not girl!, Jess!) in the league, but Kelsey is right up there and Boylan will shank some of those Colby rookies if they get in her way. I have Fresh Kills 4-2. 

Jess: I will call myself and my peers “women” until we’re all 40 or in a professional setting, whichever comes first. 

Karma vs Mega

Jess: I’m really excited for this one. I feel like this could go either way but Karma has been on a roll and even with Courtney back in I think it will fall in Karma’s favor thanks to the idiot strength of Derek/Austin (feat. Kev), 3-1 in regulation. Sad because I want to see Mega v Cobra Kai and have us all place bets on which team Julie and Olivier’s kid will root for. 

Rich: Whoever wins this game will have the support of the BTSH Universe to win the PBR Cup (Unless you regularly get Friedman’s email in which case you’ll root for Al-Qaeda over Karma).

While my prediction is 4-2, Karma. Who do I root for? If Karma wins I have to read a 472 word email from Friedman. But if Mega wins I have another week of Julie complaining that someone named Jeff B. might be 7 minutes late. 

Russo: @Rich, did you count how many words were in that email?

Rich: I only do that for Hogg. (eyes emoji)

Cobra Kai vs Poutine

Jess: People are favoriting The Dojo for this one but once again in totally unbiased media opinion (and nothing to do with my personal grudge against Yetter for leaving us 3 days before the season), I think Poutine will win this one in OT. CK is good at generating chances but not capitalizing on them and Poutine has a stronger defense than The Hookers. With Jack back from Hawaii and Charlotte back from her injury—not to mention Dicky coming off a strong performance in net and Campbell/Casca constantly switching (that can’t be good for their psyches)—I think the Poo Crew will be very formidable indeed.

Rich: Bruce Springsteen often sang about his problems with his father. In the classic, “Independence Day” he says, “I guess that we were too much of the same kind.” Bruce could have been singing about these two teams…though it would have been weird since no one on these teams besides JJ were alive when he wrote the song. 

While neither team has a plethora of superstars like FK, they have a great goalie and gritty players that often shutdown superstars. I’ve been a Poutine fan for years. I have said they will win a championship. But I’ve battled CK too many times to bet against them. The last two seasons they’ve made the semis. I expect the same result.  3-1 for the evil Dojo. 

Biters v Fuzz

Jess: Can the Biters keep the momentum from their upset over the Rehabs? Fuzz barely beat the Butchers (Rich claims this is because they used a ringer goalie without asking). Fuck it, everyone gets an OT, I predict they take it 2-2 and Mike T scores the gwg in OT.

Russo: Was it really an ~upset~ with Probie on the team?

Rich: For the record, I almost always pass it laterally or forward to Cutler, so I wasn’t the one she was admonishing. 

by christo_the_hawk

If you’re like me, you were lucky enough to come into this league while it was being run by Brian and Sarah. If you’re old as hell like Rich, you’ve seen a lot of things in terms of league management. Some good, some bad, but none as hashtag efficient as this dynamic duo who are ending a 2 term (that’s 4 years!) stint.

I remember seeing some guy in an Egyptian Pharaoh hat halfway through my first season thinking…wow that guy…is interesting. It was Hicks. Imagine my surprise to find out he also ran the league. Meeting Sarah instantly quelled my fears that my newly beloved hockey league wasn’t going to be run into the ground.

It’s no small feat to be the commissioner of a ~500 person hockey league. It’s also no small feat to undertake the job when you just started dating your co-commissioner. They’ve changed the league a lot and made it more efficient—and even got married when they had a free weekend away from hockey. I could go on but I’ll leave some room for y’all to actually read the interview.

Please briefly regale us with the story of how you met, for old times sake.

Hicks: Like most things in life, it’s Glanzer’s fault. Week 1 of the 2017 btsh season, my team at the time (Fuzz) blew a 3-0 lead in the second half to the rehabs. In OT, the rehabs scored at which point Welch wooed with open arms towards our bench. As anyone who knows Rich knows, he HATES wooing (it’s more unforgivable to him than if the NL added the DH). So Rich chased Welch down and shoved him into the fence. This process took a while because as you know, Rich doesn’t have a very high top end speed so he basically had to wait for Welch to slow down. Because of this, Rich was suspended for two games. But let the record reflect that had he been a bit faster, he probably would’ve been suspended for less, but the DC clearly felt his speed was so offensive it merited a second game. 

Anyways, fast forward three weeks and I’m at the courts before my game. Rich is making his glorious return and is reffing. Flawlessly I might add. Absolutely beautiful form with the hand raise on delayed calls. He looks like he’s even gotten faster from all the CrossFit he did during his two week suspension. I start cheering him on and letting him know how flawless his reffing is. An attractive girl who happens to be vertically challenged looks back to see who this Rich fan boy is and smiles. We make eye contact. Sparks fly. I make a note that there is a cute girl in the league I haven’t seen before, but I’m currently chugging pre workout and blasting hype up music so introducing myself will have to wait. 

About a month later, May 21, 2017 to be exact, we played tonsil hockey at ACE Bar (us being there is also Glanzer’s fault as he demands the league go to his birthday at that bar after games one Sunday in May. every. single. year.). True love.

SPH: This is how we met, but it’s worth noting that despite having my phone number, it took Brian another three months to actually ask me out. My baby brother (yes, for those who know him, Gardie) subbed for Math one Sunday, and not knowing that I had brother, Brian mistook my much taller and blonder brother for my boyfriend, and he was devastated. He finally asked me out in the always atmospheric Parkside Lounge, amidst the romantic background noise of Beer Olympics. He also had a Duck Dynasty beard at the time, and no one — including me — can believe I said ‘yes.’ 

What made you want to become joint commissioners? Did you have any hesitations about sharing it with someone you recently started dating?

Hicks: Popack bamboozled me & Diane bamboozled SPH. Once we realized we’d both agreed to run for the same job we chose to do it together. 

SPH. By bamboozled, he means bullied. 

Hicks: I think there were some reservations at first, but we’re both pretty good at identifying the other person’s strengths and letting them have that space to operate.

SPH: We both knew that we were either going to work well together or we weren’t, and if we weren’t, wasn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later?

What do you think is each other’s best quality as a commissioner? 

Hicks: Sarah’s best quality is her ability to write emails that convey her annoyance with anyone who questions her ruling style and therefore dissuades people from arguing. Really saves us a lot of time. 

SPH: I’m forever grateful for Brian’s math and reasoning skills. One time, I tried to be helpful and make the opening and closing schedule — not even the real schedule — and I messed it up. Badly. Brian had to redo it. Making this season happen was a lot of work, but writing a schedule for 19 teams definitely would not have happened without Brian, beer, or the University of Michigan’s engineering school. 

What has been the most challenging part of this job? 

Hicks: If I have to pick something, it’s probably the weather and dealing with all of the amateur weathermen and weatherwomen in the league. It’s even better when the weather stuff happens during playoffs.

A close second would be the skateboarders and their toys.

SPH: If I’m being snarky, people confusing the commissionership with a full time job, with benefits.

If I’m not, the time and personality management. Everything got easier once we knew the personalities and the sometimes not-so-personal histories of people in the league. Also once we learned about the Governing Document sometime during our third year. 

What’s one thing you wish you knew before becoming Commissioner?

Hicks: being commissioner doesnt fast track you to the HOF, you still need ten years of playing, per Rich’s rules. 

SPH: Everything that’s in the aforementioned Governing Document.  Also, what the heck, Rich? 

What’s one thing you’d tell someone who signs up for the job next season?

Hicks: Run.* Also check out the feature most emails have that lets you send emails at specific times. It’s ideal for when you’re hungover and don’t wake up early to send the league email.

Or just marry someone who will write the league email (sorry about the few weeks there wasn’t one cause she was out of town). 

Also, set up a glanzer filter on your commissioner inbox, your personal inbox, and your work inbox. Just do it. Change your cell number too. 

*Editor’s note: I’m not sure if he means ‘run for commissioner’ or ‘run away from the thought of signing up for this role’

SPH: It’s all fugazi. If it’s not in the rules or the governing document, make the captains vote or use your judgment (unless you’re Rich, in which case use Eli’s judgment). 

What’s one project/new feature in the league you’ve implemented that you’re particularly proud of?

SPH: Improving communication and transparency between league management, captains, and the league as a whole. A lot of people before us worked hard to standardize the rules, ensure we were appropriately incorporated as the correct kind of non-profit (501c-7, tax nerds), write the bylaws and more, but there wasn’t much administrative infrastructure. When I joined the league, people only knew about league events if their captains bothered to tell them. Instituting things like distribution lists, the Captain’ Manual, and the weekly league emails were all done to help improve communication across the league and make it easier to know what was going on, and it’s my hope that it also makes things easier for the next commissioner(s). 

Hicks: Getting attendance into a more digital state (albeit with the help of a pandemic) was something I’ve always wanted for the league, so it was cool to see that start to happen this year. My only regret is that we never implemented BTSH Bracketology.

If you could create a brand new team what would you name it and pick 1 person from each team in the league to be on it.

Hicks: The Perverts. Jack McGinty gets the A.

I’m also taking Moe from the rehabs because that’s my linemate. From Karma, give me AK so we can crush Taco Bell together before games. Give me Craig from the biters so we can win a title together unlike our beloved lions. From Fuzz, I’ll take Rich but only so I can cut him after week 1. From lbs, give me Frey so I can consult him on how we can circumvent rules. From filthier, I’ll import the Annimal back from Austin. 

From the hookers give me Cheeky so that we can have weekly dumpling bets and from cobra Kai I’ll take Russ. Full credit to him for this expansion team. From fresh kills, give me Lily, but I’ll probably have to text her that she’s been selected since she never replies to my d5 emails. From what the puck, I’m taking Hogg ? and from the butchers, give me Akhil.

From the gremlins, give me Marcella so that she can be freed from Walker’s +\- tracking. Demons, I would take d ro and Sammy, but I’m worried their dog will show up and yap at me all game, so I’ll take popack instead if she promises to not talk about the cowboys. 

Rotten Math- gotta take the wife. Happy wife, happy life. I’m taking Eli too cause I need an enforcer and there are only 19 teams. From the riots, I’ll take David. From Mega I’m taking Shelly (duh) and from the sky fighters, I’ll take Westley. From rainbows I’m taking Jess so that we get positive media coverage since we know she’s the one running the show. 

SPH: I don’t know how to follow that response, so I’m not going to. 

If you could make up a random rule in the league for a day, what would it be?

Hicks: if you’re in the semis or finals this year you have to wear a costume. MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

SPH: Refs can make people who yell at them run Herbies. And those people have to ref the next game. Preferably while wearing costumes. 

What’s something underrated but super appreciated that players in the league can do to make your jobs easier?

Hicks: stop yelling at the refs

SPH: stop yelling at the refs and volunteer more. The same 6% of the league does all of the work. If more people did a little bit, things would be a lot easier for everyone.*

*Editor’s note: hmu if anyone wants to VOLUNTEER to be part of the media next year…

What’s your favorite part about being Commissioners? What will you miss the most?

• Hicks: Meeting everyone. I think we both met more people through this than we would’ve otherwise. I will very much miss threatening to suspend people knowing full well I never had that kind of power. 
• SPH: Telling people I run a league that is bigger than a lot of companies. And the nice thing Brian said about the people. 

Hicks & Herr, Sultan and Sarah, Meatbox and Mrs. Meatbox, whatever you lovingly refer to them as, we’d all like to thank you for the 4 years you’ve put into this league and the impact you’ve left on it for the future. 

By Glnzr

The first round of playoffs is in the books and I’m ready to write some stars! Tune in to see if Mega gets one for their victory over the Demons!

There may (but also may not) be 3 Non Stars though I’ll probably word it as 3 Heels to satisfy my WWE wrestling fetish. 

But before I start the stars, can someone explain this picture please? Not that there’s anything wrong with it…but still…pause. 

***Probie

Probie was a beast. He scored an early goal for the Biters and they never looked back winning 3-0. Only Probie gets the star because he also added another one and when he was out there the ball was in the Rehabs zone. But props to the whole team for playing hard and strong. Phil and Amy must have done it in the morning or something because those two were particularly physical (in a BTSH allowed way) and played their best games. Also Nick made a great defensive play and their whole team wrongly complimented Craig for a save that never got to him. Poor Nick, will he ever win? But props to Craig had an elite water break when he wasn’t thirsty but his team needed a break (he confirmed this to be true). Schuey also made several smart dumps to keep the Rehabs potent offense in the defensive zone.

Great team win. (And no Probie, you can’t use Stu next week)

**Diabetic Dicky

It’s playoff time and we do not share stars in playoff time. This was a really hard one to give. On one hand, Russo scored two Poutine goals and ended the longest playoff BTSH shootout (that I know of) with a sweet goal. Some people say Russo got a hat trick, scoring 2 regulation goals and one shootout goal. Those people are wrong and should be written up and sent to the DC. 

But Dicky stopped I think 12-13 shootout attempts. 2 of them were actually good shots too! In the end I chose Dicky because he has diabetes and Russo doesn’t. Or if he does isn’t open about it and should be. Lesson to be had, send me your medical issues and you might get a star!

Before we get to the first star lets take a break to see Hero!

* Derek

I think 50 people told me, “You didn’t hear this from me, but Danielle didn’t want to let Karma play with two girls last week.” I heard it from all of you! Danielle’s decision backfired as the Rain Fears cancelled their game and angered Karma. Derek netted 5 goals and would have had six if Corey didn’t get in the way of one of his goals and let it knick off him. 

Sorry Mega, Julie was very mean to me so out of spite you didn’t get a star.But if you make the semis you will get all of them! Or at least the first star.