btsh.org

by cristo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

If you haven’t heard already, there’s a new BTSH regime in charge. Russ and Nico are taking the reins from The Meatbox™ and Madame Commisionherr as heads of the league, and there will be sweeping changes across the board. 

We, your devoted, faithful, and amazingly good-looking media team have been given new instructions on how to create content for this beautiful league—and how to update y’all on what each team has been up to.

The following propaganda article on this off-season’s affairs is entirely true*, and has been spoken to us by our Supreme Leaders, Russ and Nico. There will be no Facebook comments as there will be nothing to dispute or debate. This is fact*. As Russ said to us in a vaguely threatening email regarding journalistic integrity, “Doesn’t matter. Print it.” 

*might not be true or fact

Here is their decree:

4th Division

Bad Seeds

The Bad Seeds are on a team-name probation period after last year’s lackluster “Rotten Math”. If probation is broken, Glnzr gets to rename the team. 

Rainbows

The entire team stood outside Yetter and Tarnow’s respective apartments in the off-season holding up a boombox, reminiscent of Say Anything (yes Walker, we know the movie), in a last-ditch effort to win them back. TBD on if it worked. 

Riots

The team has decided to have a captainless season, in the spirit of socialism and groupthink.

Sky Fighters

After an off-season of having nobody poached, the Sky Fighters are looking to trade away their best talent for salary cap reasons.

New FA team, The Agents

Zog Sports kicked all of these people out of its kickball league and they’re trying their luck with ball hockey.

3rd Division

Mega Touch

Courtney and Tash both beat Rich in a preseason arm wrestling contest, relegating Mega Touch to 1st Division in place of Fuzz—oh and new team jerseys will be deep v necks, per Alex EM’s suggestion.

Demons

Jenn has cut everyone from the team and replaced them with prominent Barstool podcasters; upon hearing the news Jeff has gone on to form Demons 2 while Neil & D Ro decided to become Phish groupies and are going on their 12th straight day of shows.

Gremlins
Before their first game the team will do a group TikTok dance led by Walker, gen z’s biggest fanboy.

Butchers

Took acid at Great Wolf Lodge in November as a team-bonding experience. Nobody has seen anyone from the Butchers since. 

Poutine

Have all learned Thai this off-season and will only communicate on the court in Thai. They also got matching Captain Mikey tattoos.

2nd Division

Hookers

The Hookers are bringing back a bit of 1980s hockey and will be playing all their games in Cooperalls this year. Seven people from the league know what Cooperalls are.

Karma

After failing to buy the majority share of the brand, Pit Viper, Karma has been working on creating a rival brand of sunglasses. They will not wear Pit Vipers at all this year. 

Vertz

The Vertz have been forced to redo their team logo about 6-9 times in the preseason because Custom Ink legally could not screen print it on a shirt.

Filthier
Jack aka the Jackuum is the new goalie in lieu of Tim K’s departure.

What the Puck
Henry initially pledged to shave his head if WTP wins the PBR cup this year, Hogg suggested it would be more motivating if they shaved off a spot on his head after every victory leading up to The Big Shave during playoffs.

1st Division

Lbs
Frey has recruited two 18 year olds from the Russian ball hockey scene and in 2042 Cherie’s son will join the team per her Lbs contract. 

Fresh Kills
Fresh Kills took Russ out to LPR in the off season and left him with their bar tab.

Fuzz

Under the new league leadership, Fuzz are forbidden from winning a 4th straight championship. If they do, an ancient curse that lays dormant around Tompkins will be unleashed and a volcano will erupt in the East Village. Lower East Side will be safe. Fuck it, let’s throw Murary Hill into the curse too.

Biters

The Biters don’t believe in Big Dental^TM and view brushing your teeth as more of a ‘nice to have’ because plaque is actually better than tooth enamel.

Cobra Kai
Russ has already declared them the champion of the 2022 season after going undefeated without yet playing a game. Russ is also raising league dues to siphon the money for 18k gold snake necklaces for all of the dojo. Praise be. 

BTSH is back, baby! To clear up any confusion, check out the below links to do one (or both) of the following:

FREE AGENT REGISTRATION – for the folks who haven’t landed a team yet. sign up to be on the FA list and teams can see your info and invite you to sub (or blindly add you for the whole season if your resume is impressive).

FREE AGENT SCRIMMAGE – Sunday, April 24th @ 1pm at Tompkins Square Park. this is where you can show off and let the team’s see your stuff. sign up, show up, ***wear the color red***, and bring a good attitude (dicks will not be permitted on the courts).

TEAM REGISTRATION – if you are already on a team, do your captains a favor and sign up so they don’t have to send that third email.

SEE YOU ALL AT THE COURTS SOOOOOON. -your media overlords <3

PS- in a desperate plea for media writers, JOIN US. sure, you might have to ‘work’ with Glnzr, but did we mention you get paid per article? and if you write enough articles yes, even you too can get invited to our prestigious media chinatown dinner where we decide on end of season awards. email mediabtsh@gmail.com if you’re intrigued.

By Glnzr

If you google “Most Successful BTSH Career Ever” undoubtedly, a picture of our last 2021 BTSH HOFer will appear. 

Ugh, it’s some douchebag named Nathan Hodel who used to play for the Arizona Cardinals. 

Anyways, the person I was referring to is none other than Ariel. 

The point is I’m not sure anyone has had a better BTSH career than Ariel. He has tied for the most championships with 4. He has the only OT goal in BTSH Championship history and this is officially the 3rd best picture in BTSH history. 

I’m so sorry Julie.

Ariel started his career with Bad Touch in 2008. After two games, he said deuces to Devlin and Alex and joined Fresh Kills (For the record Jess, saying deuces was in, in 2008). Ariel is known for being one of the smartest players on the court and certainly this decision proves his off-court smarts are on point as well. Fresh Kills won the championship over the Hookers 3-2, in one of the biggest upsets ever. The 2008 FK have the most HOFers of all time with Soko, Dave GDR, Amy, Bob and now Ariel. 

While Ariel loves playing for stacked Fresh Kills, he also enjoys playing for the underdogs. In 2014 he joined the all female team Dependable Scrap. And a week after scoring the OT championship goal for FK, he led the all girl team to a championship by unbelievably scoring another OT championship goal, after a great save by Jamie, a smart dump in by Schuey and a great pass by Jeff.  

In 2017 he won his first of two World Championships in Ocean City with Cecil Harambe.

So with tied for the most championships ever won…the only OT goal in Championship Game history and honestly, one of the best teammates you can ever ask for, congrats Ariel. This was long overdue. 

by Glnzr

2008 was a magical season for BTSH. It’s when the Modern Era began (2008-2015) and The Previous Era Before the Modern Era ended. But perhaps most importantly, it’s when Diane J. (and the Happy Little Elves) joined the league.

After losing to the Elves in Game 1 (I swear this will be the last Elves reference, though there’s still one more picture that has the Elves in it), the Tuque’s captains decided they needed a ringer, and called Diane. Diane stayed with the Tuques for a few years, but as with many BTSHers, Diane felt the pull of Poaching Season and shopped for a new team in 2012. For some reason she had a Mexican Standoff Jersey, and the prospect of playing with Ellery proved too alluring to pass up, so she joined Gut Rot (who had previously been Mexican Standoff)

In one of her first games for Gut Rot, they played Math and Diane paid the ultimate price. Zach N. had literally his only good game of his career, scoring four goals against Gut Rot. Diane immediately called Gabe and said there will be no second date, and started dating Zach instead. It was a mistake that she will dearly pay for the rest of her life. 

In 2016 Diane joined the BTSH admin by becoming Ref Manager/Scheduler. It was a rough season as much of the old guard left or were leaving, and a new admin was in place. The league needed a new yet trusted face guiding the way and Diane filled that role admirably. She took her role very seriously and really helped guide the league to a place where most of the league wanted it to go (A fun but safe place to chase an orange ball around). 
 

But it was 2019 where for me, I noticed Diane prosper both as a player and captain. First off, as a captain dealing with Becca should make you automatically in the HOF. But in truth, I remember reffing a Gut Rot/Riot game and there were some players new to hockey. It’s kinda a you had to be there moment but Diane was not only able to teach them where to be, but also play really solid on D. I remember thinking being a captain has made her step up her game. Which is why it’s no surprise that one of her two proudest moments in BTSH is seeing new players on Gut Rot prosper (obviously no one can prosper playing on a team called Rotten Math).  “Seeing Rotters that had never played hockey before score their first goals and flourish in BTSH! It’s always so exciting and makes me feel like a proud parent.” 
   

Before we go, let’s also celebrate some little known facts about Diane.

• She is good not great at Words with Friends
• Practices Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks on her VCR every morning before her morning oatmeal. 
• Teamed with Rachel Greene to help run the Rose Charity Tournament for many years. 
• Let Rachel go on stacked Rose Charity teams where she went on to win every season, and Diane languished in last place because her best player was Zach. #Yikes
• Her other proudest moment is winning some game against some team but I forgot what game and other team it was.  I don’t want to talk about it.  

• While most women in their 30s focus on career and bettering their lives, Diane quit her job so she can concentrate on not having the absolute worst name in BTSH history next season. 
• (This is actually true) She starred in Chadwick and Walker’s short movie with Zach as parents to Rob Walsh’s daughters and Boylan playing a mermaid. They ended up eating Boylan for dinner. I would say it was BTSH’s first snuff video but I’m sure that’s not true. 

by Glnzr

No one in BTSH history has had a day like Eric Ramirez did on September 27, 2015. We’ll get to that. 

Prior to that day, Eric had a fine career. He made his BTSH debut with the Mighty Squirrels as a “skater” in 2009. He was so awful, the Squirrels decided they couldn’t take watching him play one more second so they disbanded.*  Rachel Greene is no dummy so she made a team called the Butchers and made Eric the goalie. The payoff was immediate as incredibly, they made the semi-finals in back to back seasons (and they were not a ringer team). The Happy Little Elves won the championship in 2010. 

Eric eventually started dating Ashley and they moved to a studio apartment named Gut Rot on 2014. As we all know…if Gut Rot doesn’t play Fuzz, they generally don’t win. But with Eric in net, that wasn’t always the case. Which brings us to September 26, 2015. Zach and Diane had a party in Brooklyn. While the Mets were busy winning the division that day, Eric was plotting his heel turn.

Eric was living in Dover Delaware and wanted to go to the NASCAR race down there during the play-in games. So he desperately wanted the buy but since he played for Gut Rot that was highly unlikely. However there was one scenario where it could play out. Gut Rot needed to get one more point than the Hookers…but the Hookers had two games. He told the party, “I really wish I could play against them.” Someone at the party said the Demons were looking for a goalie. Emails were made, and step 1 was accomplished. Sunday morning Eric woke up to a miracle. Fresh Kills also needed a goalie and Soko asked Eric if he could do it. “He sent it at 9:30 saying he had no goalie for the 11:30 a.m. game vs. the Hookers. I literally said “yes” got my gear together and left in about 5 minutes. The stage was set, Eric was going to play 2 games vs. the Hookers, and play his regular scheduled Gut Rot game vs. Mega. 

I reffed the shortened Hookers/FK game (It was 20-minute halves) and couldn’t believe what I saw. With the game 1-0 FK late, FK called a timeout and despite them being 3-time champions, Eric in his only game with the team was telling them how to play. I noticed all eyes on him and was incredibly impressed. It was that moment I realized what a leader this guy was. He completed the shutout and then ruined the Hookers day with a 4-1 win vs. the Demons. Now all he had to do was get a point vs. Mega.

This wasn’t today’s Mega…but the task was still incredibly difficult, as Gut Rot didn’t score. Thankfully for the heel turn, neither did Mega and Eric shut them out. The game went into a shootout where Gut Rot won in the 8th round. In 3 games Eric gave up 1 goal. A more impressive day has not happened in BTSH. Eric happily saw like 10,000 left turns during the play-in games.

The Rehabs took notice of Eric’s play and he went on to win the championship in his very first season. 

The next year they tried to become the first team to repeat but Fresh Kills beat them 5-4 in one of the most incredible games of all time. 

So congrats Eric…who knows what the future holds as his job may take him away from us, but despite your sudden yet very calculated heel turn, you’re one of the best guys in BTSH. 

*I’m assuming this part as it’s the only logical explanation