btsh.org

By Glnzr

If you want “Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is”, I have some bad news. You’re going to have to wait ‘til like week 3 of 2022 when Cat returns because the playoffs are here and it’s time to talk about hockey! (But in case you can’t wait, the Rainbows are the African dwarf frog because a lot of their girls including Cat are not tall. Am I allowed to say small? I think that’s ok. They are small.)

Filthier at Instant Karma

As we all know from Friedman’s relentless emails, Karma’s women are better than your women. But much like the “Homer at the Plate” episode, one by one they all have an excuse not to come. On Sunday, Isaac was asking every girl if they would sub, and he even asked Charlotte from Math so you know he’s desperate. Thankfully for Karma, Brianna will be there.

Meanwhile Filthier has had a brutal season in Division 1. After the loss of (obligatory Ann/James reference) Ann and James, Filthier only won 1 game (3 total). But with JJ, Sunny, both Toms, some dude named Blake, Andrew and Kate, they will be ready to play.

Prediction: This is so hard. Austin/Derek are the two best players on the rink. The rest of Karma play a very gritty and smart game. I’ve been on the Karma bandwagon all season, but against the top division, they got blown out by the Rehabs. They have beat Poutine twice and emaciated Lbs. team back when the Lbs. didn’t care. I’ve been down on Filthier all season. But FK beat Cobra Kai, and played most of the top division teams very tough. I expect Tim K. to play great and win 2-1. Prove me wrong Karma.

Hookers at Cobra Kai

When CK poached Sig and Ryann from Fuzz, they planted a flag in the middle of TSP and said, “We’re here to win the whole damn thing.” Then they went full heel mode and stole Yetter from former league sweethearts Rainbows. CK finished in 3rd, but really, who cares? The season starts now. 

The Hookers only won 2 games, but they were against Rehabs and Anklebiters, and 3 of their losses were in OT/shootout. They are coming off a 1-0 victory over Rotten Math, which is nice that they got a shutout in the playin game, but has little meaning when you consider they borrowed two goalies to get that shutout, and they played Rotten Math.  

Prediction: Cobra Kai beat them 4-1 earlier in the season. I expect a 4-0 shutout this time.

Rainbows at Fresh Kills

I feel like these teams play every year and every year the Rainbows give FK a game. While they lost 8-4 this season, it was close for a while. I truly feel Jess should get MVP consideration for how well they played this year. But she won’t get GM of the year. That will go to Gabe who got his 4 ringer Canadians. 

Prediction: I really hope the Rainbows come in thinking they can win and play their asses off. This would be such an epic win, by far the biggest win in the history of this league. But this isn’t a safe space, it’s a prediction space. 7-1 FK.

Demons at Mega Touch

Mega had their best regular season ever and earned their 5th seed. In their last 3 games they’ve outscored their opponents 12-2.

The Demons will come into this game with the best goal scorer in Gene, the best shooter in Amit, and the biggest jerk with this guy that actually has tattoos of every Super Bowl win the Patriots have in Jeff. Ahhh Jeff’s a good kid…just a little entitled. He should become a Met fan. I digress.

Prediction: Doink! Sorry, still laughing at Belichick’s idiotic decision to try a 56-yard-FG in the rain where even if Folk makes it Brady is just gonna come back down the field and score. I have Mega winning this game. Come playoff time, Mega often has a great game in them. In 2019 they lost 1-0 to the Rehabs. I see a 3-2 victory in OT. Jeff B.—if he shows—scores the winner. Do they even have a Jeff B.? 

Anklebiters at Rehabs

No one was hurt more by the virus than the Anklebiters, who had all their new young studs leave, and all their Schuey’s and Phil’s stay. 

Well…I guess the people that died and got sick suffered worse fates. Meanwhile the Rehabs haven’t lost since Hicks took over as coach. Their win vs. Karma was about as impressive of a win that the league saw this season.

Prediction: They played each other the first game of the season and for one of these teams, they will play each other the last game of the season. That team will be the Anklebiters as the Rehabs will roll 4-2. Somehow Rehabs will play Fuzz in QF. 

WTP at Poutine

We all love the boyfriend/girlfriend matchup of Tadpole Jack vs. my new nemesis Annie. However both will be in Hawaii visiting James M., since Jack doesn’t play BTSH playoff games (missed Math’s lone 2019 playoff game) and Annie only scores for literally every single other team except WTP.  

WTP had 3 straight games against top conference teams in Anklebiters, CK, and Rehabs and lost them all. Poutine lost twice to Karma (unless Justin F’d up the website which is probably since he never gave the stats) and also lost to the Lbs.

Prediction: Every year the top conference wants to welcome Poutine into the 2nd div with open arms. But they never come in first and they always lose a tough 2-1 game in the playoffs. Too bad for them JSB isn’t visiting Jack and Annie at Tompkins. They won’t need them though…a late goal by Sully seals the deal. 2-1 Poutine. 

Skyfighters at Lbs.

“Thanks a lot assholes.” That’s what I’m sure Emily said to the Lbs. after they punted the first half and then tried in the second half. SF had a really good season and if they would have beaten Mega, they would have been in 5th place instead of 9th, and facing the Demons instead of the Lbs.

The Lbs. were rooting for the pandemic as no one showed their first 5 games (even though they started 2-0 and beat Fuzz but only bc of Annie/Joel shooting in the shootout). However, since Avery decided to show against the Butchers, the Lbs. have returned to their elite play.

Prediction: Much like FK vs. Rainbows, wrong place, wrong time for the Sky Fighters. Mia, remember, cover Frey at the point or he may get another hat trick like he did in OC. And fuck, I just realized we play the same time as SF and Lbs., so I can’t ask Emily or Caitlin to watch Hero (gratuitous Hero mention). (I would have mentioned you Liz but you didn’t pick up the phone when I called you.)

Butchers at Fuzz *Guest writer appearance by Dingle McCringle*

The best part about being the editor, is that I can put whatever I’d like in this section, and Glnzr won’t see it until it’s too late. So without further ado…Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is!!! (Glnzr’s article title, not mine.)

I was tempted to say that the Butchers are a Poison Dart Frog after they served a deadly dose of hockey to the Gremlins last Sunday, but I think they’re more of a Fire-bellied toad. A truly beautiful toad with triangular pupils. With some truly skilled players and BTSH icons like Jake T., Rachel, and Akhil—and Timmy B. in net—don’t sleep on the Butchers. 

Glnzr wanted me to mention that the last time Fuzz played Butchers, he had three assists. But joke’s on him because assists aren’t a thing in BTSH. That makes Fuzz a Barking Frog because, unlike Hero, Glnzr is all bark and no bite. BUT, Fuzz has more than enough firepower to provide the bite in Jeff, Sig, Ryann, and Malik.  

Prediction: While this would be a massive upset if Butchers took down the #1 seed, I see Fuzz hopping along to an easy win. But this’ll toad-ally be a great game to watch. Ribbit. 

By Dingle McCringle

Ooooo, it’s the best time of the year. Crisp fall air, the leaves changing colors, warm apple cider, and most importantly BTSH PLAYOFFS!!!

But before the grand kit and kaboodle, there are three very meaningful games being played this Sunday to see who could do their best impression of the 2020 MTL Canadiens, and not just sneak into the big show, but possibly win the whole thing.

(Narrator: The Canadiens very much did not win the whole thing. #’Merica)

Here we go…

Riots vs. Rainbows

If you want an underdog story, look no further than the Riots. After a tumultuous regular season, a win against the Rainbows would be HUGE!! The Rainbows will have to stay sharp to avoid the ol’ Sleeper Game. With attendance issues sure to plague most teams this fall, now might be the best time to strike for the Riots

Prediction: Rainbows win a closer than expected one, 5-3

Rotten Math vs. Hookers

After last season’s success (2019 feels forever ago) who would’ve thought the Hookers would be fighting for their life in a play-in game. In a similar setup to the Riots/’Bows game, if Rotten Math are in it for most of the game, maybe Hookers get in their own heads a bit. Maybe we see a tie game with only minutes to spare. Maybe I should stop talking in hypotheticals and we should play the damn thing.

Prediction: Hookers win easy, 4-1, and Rotten Math start thinking of a better name for next season.

Butchers vs. Gremlins

A true toss-up game. They were close in the standings for the whole season, but… not a lot of points between the two sides. But I digress!! The Gremlins have played a lot of one and two goal games this year, and based on their season, if they can net three, they’re in pretty good shape. The Butchers, on the other hand, are coming off their best offensive game of the season potting four against Fuzz.

Prediction: Butchers win a tight one, 2-1, with a controversial “was his/her foot in the crease?” goal being the difference maker.

Written by JW

Comprised of both the 3 on 3 tournament, and the All-Star game/skills competitions, this was a BTSH Sunday like no other. Many stars arose (and surprisingly zero Not Stars, at least that I saw/heard about, someone correct me if I’m wrong about that) but I had to whittle it down to only 3…….oh, and a bunch of honorable mentions. 

Without further ado, let’s see who we’ve got. 

3rd Star: Free Agency

Some free agents were new, and didn’t know many people. Some (such as myself) are old and just didn’t have the motivation or energy to put a team together. It’s fun to just roll the dice and see who you end up playing with. Some were only able to make it last-minute, so they jumped in as free agents. However all of us got here, we ended up with 3 free agent teams. I loved my team (which Cheeky curated), and I saw that the other 2 free agent teams were out there having a blast as well. One of those free agent teams even beat multiple stacked teams and went on to WIN THE WHOLE DAMN THING. This star is especially for you, the Fried Pork Dumplings. Your win was the cherry on top of a great day. Wait, no, the All-Star game was the cherry on top. So I guess your win was whatever comes just beneath the cherry on a sundae. I don’t know, I don’t eat desserts. Congratulations on the win. 

2nd Star: The Refs

It’s a thankless job. Nobody really WANTS to do it (except Lee, apparently?). But, somebody’s gotta do it. And some days somebody’s gotta do it A LOT. With a shortage of refs, those who did ref had to put in some serious extra time this week. Apologies if I missed any of you: Yetter reffed a bunch of games, I also know I saw: Cheeky, Sarah, Hicks, Eli reffed one of my games last-minute, even Jessica got stuck reffing her first game ever. Glanzer and I deemed her performance……adequate. (She actually did a really great job reffing, but I refuse to admit it). Lee easily reffed the most games of the day, including jumping in to assist the aforementioned rookie ref during the All-Star game. Thank you all for your service. 

1st Star: The Organizers – Cheeky, Jack, Russo, Jessica

Y’all knew who was getting 1st Star. But if you weren’t there, you don’t know how much they deserve it. From the conception of the idea, to the planning, to the setting up, to the execution of the idea, to the closing down……they did it all. Jack, for coming up with the idea, dealing with the bracketology (that’s a word, right?), Russo for setting up AND closing down and all that comes in between, Jessica for making sure the All-Star game happened (complete with beer mines, replacing face-offs with chug-offs, and all the usual hijinks), and last but surely most – Cheeky, for doing a ton of the heavy lifting and (on a personal note) writing a rad theme song for my team. I think you need to lay that track down at some point. In addition to all this, all 4 of them did all the behind-the-scenes things that none of us ever see, as well as all the game day things that were visibly apparent. I myself know a bit about organizing a rain date tournament, it’s incredibly stressful but also well worth it because everyone had an awesome time on Sunday. So, is this Fab Four more legendary than The Beatles? Probably. I actually wouldn’t know, I’m more of a fan of The Who. What are The Beatles? Thank you all for putting together a super fun day. 

I stupidly forgot to get a photo of all 4 of them together…

Honorable mentions:

The goalies – The goalies actually almost got 2nd star over the refs. There was also a bit of a goalie shortage and they had to play a TON, never once complaining. Friedman and Cam even went the extra mile and played the All-Star game at the end. Maybe the goalies should have gotten 2nd star? Who writes this stuff anyway?

The opening crew – Scotty K., Jessica, Jeff from the Demons, Casca were even earlier than me, they were building nets when I arrived (Jessica lost at the net-building competition AGAIN), Russo for opening up, etc. I definitely forgot some people here.

The closing crew – Russo, Hogg, Dana, Campbell, Ramy, Charlotte from Math Rot. I definitely forgot at least 2 people here.

Caitlin – For taking Charlotte to urgent care when Charlotte broke her finger AGAIN. (frowny face.)

Campbell – The GWG in the All-Star Game, after having to chug 2 Clawmines he knocked over.

Cherie put up 89mph and Gabe put up 94mph in the hardest shot competition. And to Rich for stealing a radar gun.

That’s all folks. Actually, one more thing. This was easily the photo of the day:

See you next year.

by Jess

3v3

Free Agent Team Pork Dumplings- or is it dumblings @jack- took home the Big Check in a come from behind (pause) victory after the Frey Sex team thought they were gonna big dick around the courts all day long.

Hardest Shot

Gabe: 94mph

Cherie: 89mph

HM for men under 5 ft 10″ (sorry Louis): Jack 88 mph

Second HM: Rich for actually asking his boss if he could borrow a $5,000 police radar gun. OUR TAXES PAY FOR THAT!!!

All Star Game 2021

The d1/d4 vs d3/d2 game was heated with back and forth goals, land mine beers and white claws, and a set of 10 cross fit certified push ups. The goalies (Friedman and Cam) were on fire. The refs (myself and Lee) were adequate. The 3-3 contest went to OT and Campbell, who had to chug 2 white claws in a row, ended up scoring the GWG for d2/d3. Congrats to everyone who showed up and made it fun!

Overall it was a super fun day, thanks to everyone for coming out. Props to the people who helped set up and clean up (Walker, Russo, Jeff, Campbell, Dana, Sarah, Brian and more) and thanks to Jack and Cheeky for organizing. See you all at playoffs!!!

by Glnzr

Third Star: Mega Touch

Julie basically sent me a team pic and ordered me to not only do the stars, but to make sure Mega gets one.

Honestly, they deserve it. What a season. With a 7-3 record they finish in 5th place in the whole league. It’s a great accomplishment for a bunch of mostly good people. But can they take the next step? In the past they’ve lost playoff heartbreakers to Fresh Kills and the Rehabs. It would be nice for them to make a run. I’d like to see it. 

Second Star: Sig

Hey yo. The Bad Guy came to play! After playing for the Elves and Fuzz for almost a decade, Sig ditched the league sweethearts and joined the Dojo. A couple of weeks ago, he guaranteed Cobra Kai would not lose another game. Down 1-0, Sig scored a huge goal that referee Justin claims went in. Then in the shootout Cobra Kai told Sig you joined to be in big moment and he thrilled his teammates and Cutler by scoring the big goal. Much like the time Hicks left Fuzz and put up 4 against his old mates, Sig earned the first star. Unfortunately for him…one of the leagues greatest moments happened an hour prior to screw him of his deserved glory.

First Star: Caroline/Sarah

In perhaps one of the best accomplishments in BTSH history, both Sarah M. and Caroline got a hat trick on Filthier and Tim K. What’s great about this hat trick is they both have been in the league since at least 2007, and neither of them had ever (probably) got a hat trick before. To do this against one of the leagues best goalies makes the accomplishment even better. Not a star for Richie for not getting a picture of the two and instead use this file one from 1983.