Week 10 Previews: Father’s Day Edition
June 17th, 2016By Rachel G. and Sam N.
Note to the reader: Isaac passed down the order that this week’s previews should be Father’s Day themed. What Isaac says, Isaac gets. You know, that’s a lot harder than you’d think. Sam and I spent many hours toiling away on my patio (and in Zach and Diane’s backyard) trying to meet the editor’s challenge. By many hours, I mean maybe two hours, but many beers. So…sorry in advance. Also, Happy Father’s Day. You all should thank your Dad for making you the incredible hockey talents that you are. The NHL is jealous.
(ed note: I probably forgot to call out a lot of fathers. Sorry.)
Gut Rot at Tompkins Square Riots
Oh Daddy, this is a good one. Gilligan, you already have the Dad bod, the Dad jokes, and soon enough you’ll be an actual Dad. Now go score for your team. Tommy has been team Dad long enough. Guys, Ellery is actually a father. REPEAT, Ellery is actually a father. Happy Father’s Day. Dave Gil de Rubio, I hope you stop more goals than you have children. Although everyone wants to see a Gut Rot win, as designated Dad on your team, I don’t think this will be the week.
Prediction: TSR by 2, Dave stands tall in net.
Instant Karma at Dark Rainbows
Father and daughter.
Does Kali allow Father’s Day to be celebrated on her team? Sam thinks she prefers to celebrate her own golden stick #donttouchthestick. Rainbows were the first fathers of BTSH, the original baby-makers. We all miss that tent and dem little blond kids. Sam says he can pitch a tent, LADIES!?!?! Suuuuriously though, here’s to the Dads on Karma. At the very least, Bill comes in from Long Island and leaves his kid by the wayside. Alf will be drinking his Maker’s to celebrate his own fertility.
Prediction: Karma by 2, twooooo many kids.
What The Puck at LBS, Inc.
WTP used to be a team with a lot of babies, now it’s a team full of babies. I mean young. Like young and happy. Not like whiny babies. Um…Happy Father’s Day? Lotsa baby daddies on the LBS. Seth, Karsten and Sam. The difference in this game, all dem babies on WTP are going to go see their Dad’s on Father’s Day. Meanwhile, the Dads on LBS get their wish…to play hockey all day. LBS’ line up is stacked; they’ll get back in the W column this week.
Prediction: LBS by 3, Daddy’s getting his groove on.
Rehabs at Sky Fighters
Father.
Which Daddy’s got more kids in this game? Stein or Showtime? Ladies on the court, watch out…these guys might get you pregnant if you get too close to the crease. Welsh has a kid now too, seems like his kid has taught him a thing or two….about whining. On the Fighters bench, this must be a tough day for Roman. Sam says he’s been begging for anyone to call him Daddy for years. #daddyissues.
Prediction: Rehabs by 2, Showtime sure knows where the five hole is.
Cobra Kai at Poutine Machine
Sebby just got engaged….Happy Father’s Day? A year ago, there’d be a joke in here about Poutine’s Daddy needing to teach ‘em a lesson to sportsmanship, but alas they got their shit together and Sam and I can’t make fun of them. They are now setting the proper father figure tone for the league. Kudos to you guys for having a great season so far. That being said Cobra Kai knows how to one past the goalie.
Prediction: CK by 2, childless…but not scoreless.
Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch
Proud new papa.
Sam is really impressed that Craig finally learned how to wipe his ass after Fumi demonstrated on Jojo, a couple hundred times. Konichiwa. Happy Father’s Day! Alex Eben Meyer, proud new papa. Congrats. Maybe Jojo can teach you too? Jojo’s got his shit together. We all know Tuckman’s a Dad (and damn that kid is cute), but who is going to watch Tito this week? Also shout out to Larry, Phil, Zach and anyone else I might have missed. Maybe Probie too? Who knows.
Prediction: Biters by 3, too bad Amy’s babysitting for this one.
Filthier at Denim Demons
Demons.
Filthier, Demons….do you guys procreate? What will happen to BTSH if you guys don’t contribute? Also, Sam wants to know what method of birth control you use, otherwise we’ll have mini-math in a couple years, LADIES?!?!?! (ed note: um if you guys have kids…sorry about that) But let’s get real for a minute, is Jeff playing this week? Because then this is a game to watch.
Prediction: Filthy by 2, they’ve gotta stop the slide.
Corlears Hookers at Gremlins
Will this be the day that all of the old proud papa’s come back and play for the Hookers? Eitel? Putka? Remember when Putka had kids to soften his image? That worked for a few months. Maybe Jamie can bring his adorable nephew/ball boy and we can call him Daddy? Gremlins need to work on putting one past the goalie, literally…not in the baby makin’ way. I know it’s not Thursday anymore, but how about a TBT for Chris Eng, old school Gremlin/Unicorn great that taught us all a thing or two about sportsmanship and fatherhood alike, while still schooling us all on the court.
Prediction: Hookers by 1, they can’t disappoint the kids.
Fuzz at Fresh Kills
Father.
Gil and Gil’s son would be the perfect father’s day duo. Still, Ariel manages to sneak out some to play hockey with two kids. Maybe this week Gabe will allow him to score two goals for his two kids? Screw it, calling a hatty. Soko’s been working so hard architecting this mega-team, no time for kids? Glanzer is this your plan? Sam says: Everytime Glanzer gets his balls near the net while trying to score everyone says “NO! Not the high stick, Glanzer! Not the high stick!”
(ed note: this makes way more sense if you say this in Sam’s voice)
Prediction: FK by 1, Gil’s celebrating father’s day?
Mathematics at Butchers
Who cares about the Dads on this team? Justin Perras, you won’t even be there anyway. Sam says: Derek “I can’t be captain this year because I’m focusing on having a family” Tagliarino….took one week off…..geez that was fast. Happy Father’s Day. Sam and I are going to settle this game over a match of quarters on my patio. Guys, you don’t need to show up. But Butchers…um, please show up? JSB, I’m talking to you.
Prediction: Butchers by 1, house rules.
TBT (aka Facing Backwards), BTSH Photo Challenge
June 16th, 2016By Rachel G.
BTSH Photo Challenge
Johnson’s Olympics, 2006
On this day, four score and seven years ago (okay, a decade), BTSH celebrated itself and its competitive drinking and eating abilities with a time honored tradition, the Johnson’s Olympics. Luckily for us, Phil Donahue’s phone recently vomited up this photo. Let’s get back to our competitive roots and see who can identify the most people in this photo. Winner gets a courtside beverage of my choosing.
Please submit your guesses to Rachel with the subject ‘Photo Challenge’ by Wednesday, June 22nd and we’ll announce the winner by the end of next week.
Happy Hunting!
BTSH KARAOKE CONTEST
June 15th, 2016By Caption D and Cheekbones
BTSH KARAOKE CONTEST
Photo credit: Anklebiter Productions
It was promised, and now it’s time.
Anklebiter Productions brings you the first in a trilogy of summer social events – BTSH’s first-ever Karaoke Competition, right after the games this Sunday at HiFi bar.
Yes, clean out those pipes (which ones? you choose) and join hosts Worky McParty & Diana M Cheekbones who will guide you through your karaoke adventure while accompanied by musical interludes from DJ Bubblebath.
How do you win? Show up and rock the mic. Audience approval will send you to the finals where once again the crowd will determine the champ.
What do you win? A kiss from the host of your choice. If you choose Craig, you also get a handy. Plus, there’s a cool mystery prize for bringing home the gold.
Hungry? We got you. Check out the classy hot dog bar at the back of HiFi along with other fun eats.
Here’s the summary:
- What? Karaoke, son!
- When? After last games at Tompkins.
- Where? HiFi, fool.
- Can I eat for free? Yes.
- Are there free beers? We ain’t that rich.
- What is the meaning of life? Ask the bartender.
See you Sunday at HiFi, suckas!
Right To Play Ball Hockey Tournament Reminder
June 15th, 2016This is a friendly reminder that the ‘Right To Play’ ball hockey tournament is this Saturday, June 18th. All proceeds benefit Right To Play, a global non-profit organization that uses the power of play and sport to educate and empower children facing adversity.
It is a wonderful opportunity to have fun playing the sport we love and to support children in need. So if you have not done already, head on over to the site and sign up. And please feel free to share the link and/or flyer with your hockey communities.
If you have any questions, please email Pete Gordon. (pete.gordon@scotiabank.com or 646-787-7976)
Rivalry Week’s Three Stars
June 14th, 2016
Third Star
Monique and those Rehabs
(Can someone please confirm that this is Monique?)
Inspired by the success of an NHL team whose city has three rivers Welch brought Monique up from the Rehabs farm system to take some of the scoring pressure off of Ryann. Already turning into an offensive powerhouse, the promotion of this rookie gives them even more depth and adds a nice compliment to their potent second line. After taking some time to gel during the course of the first half, Monique and her line-mates unloaded a deluge of shots on their prideful opponents in the second and one of hers got through! Yeah, baby, that first one is nice.
Second Star
Jamie from Gremlins
F*ck you, Jamie.
Well, somebody got the memo about Rivalry Week and the importance of a divisional clash. This little Gremmie was superb in the net on Sunday. He blanked Karma’s high octane offense by pouncing on loose balls and swatting away long shots like he was playing tennis. Already short-handed for the game, his team fell victim to injuries to two key players (get better Mills and Sherwood) that forced quadruple shifts for the three remaining forwards. With a little fatigue hampering his compadres Jamie remained unfazed. He stood tall and didn’t even break a sweat. Leading off the handshake line he had nothing to offer but ‘eff you’ smiles to his old La Famiglia pals and league newbies.
First Star
Morgen from Gut Rot
By rookie sensation Dan P. Perko
GUT ROT, BITCHES!!!
TELEGRAM COMMUNICATION
Sender: BTSH FIELD INVESTIGATOR
Recipient: BTSH CORP HQ – ET. AL.
Subject: HISTORICAL ROBBERY ON THE FRONTIER
Body:
Wildly successful bank heist STOP
Perpetrator still at large STOP
Three shots fired STOP
Primary suspect hails from the middle lands – known to be armed and dangerous STOP
Full report following telegram transmission
FULL REPORT: RE HISTORICAL ROBBERY ON THE FRONTIER
On Sunday, June 12th, the newest member of the GUT ROT gang orchestrated one of the single most successful attacks on the Top Shelf Bank. The suspect, “Storming” Morgen Schroeder, known for her ruthless, gritty, and downright ferocious presence in the Blacktop Plains, single hand-handedly carried out this brutal robbery. “Storming” fired off two high caliber shots – the third landed like a cannon and seemingly exploded right through the bank vault door. Investigators are dumbfounded by the quality of ammunition and anticipate the GUT ROT gang is gearing up for more high profile, successful heists in the coming weeks.
Hank T. Bender
BTSH Field Investigator – Pylon
END REPORT
Honorable mention
Seth the Goalie from LBS, Inc.
With Timmy out nursing another injury (I’m sensing a trend this season) the LBS reached out to their original goalie, Seth. He was their man between the pipes for the majority of the team’s existence and helped them win two PBR Cups before moving out to Vancouver. Even though his return did not bring another victory to the LBS, he earns this mention because he flew across a continent to come out of retirement.
Luke V.A. from Corlears Hookers
Dude put a hurt’n on the Demons’ free agent goalie with four biscuits in the basket and one of them was the OT winner. Nicely done, Luke.
