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This week’s previews were written by creative-extraordinaire, Amy Anderla!  The Warriors is now streaming on Netflix!

Can you count, suckas? I say the future is ours, if you can count! The problem in the past has been the man turning us against one another. We have been unable to see the truth, because we have fighting for ten square feet of ground.  Our turf, our little piece of turf. That’s crap, brothers! The turf is ours by right, because it’s our turn. We take over one borough at a time. Secure our territory… secure our turf… because it’s all our turf! This Sunday, you’ll be standing on the Tompkins Square Park courts with 6 delegates from 20 teams.  That’s 120 soldiers! With another six on the sidelines for each team, that’s 240 hardcore members. And all around the city, countless reserves and free agents are ready and willing to fight. Now there ain’t but 1 police tower and 10 park workers in the whole park. Can you dig it?

Fresh Kills vs. Instant Karma: Fresh Kills Captain, Dave Soko goes down in the pre-game huddle when Denim Demons’ Coach runs by, disguised in his goalie mask, and takes a stick to Soko’s knee. Adam Rubens, nearby, screams, “It was Math! Math did it! Math took out Soko!!! Math did it!”

The loss of their captain only makes Fresh Kills more militant and focused on the court, and they roll over everything in their way. After the game, Patrick Barch dons a pair of intimidating mirrored sunglasses and starts plotting the Kills’ revenge. Fresh Kills delegates, and organizes the rest of the league in a hunt for the Mathematics. 

The Gramercy Riffs 6, Jones Street Boys 2

Hookers vs. Gut Rot: Gut Rot tries to prove how badass they are by showing the Hookers an article written about them in the Tompkins Square Shopper. It turns out that the article is actually just about how much money they collectively spend on brunch drinks, which the Hookers pretend to be intimidated by. “Oh yeah,” they tell Gut Rot, “our youth worker told us about you.” When Got Rot reveals that they don’t even have a youth worker, the Hookers tell them that it must be because they’re so bad that the youth workers are afraid of them. Gut Rot agrees to play the Hookers only if the Hookers don’t wear their colors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsEaRqW8JA

The Hookers refuse and line up for the game. They march right over Gut Rot’s turf. Heather follows them after the game to see if they actually drink together. 

Hurricanes 5, The Orphans 3

Tompkins Square Riots vs. Butchers: The Riots lure the Butchers into a false sense of friendship and security during the first half of the game by dancing and making out with them. 

The Butchers are also distracted by the newly crimped hair of Riots captain Amy Jones. Rachel Greene is suspicious of all of this and wants to get off the courts but her teammates are having too much fun. They wise up in the middle of the second half when Amy Jones starts shooting balls at them from the sidelines and the rest of her team pulls switchblades. The Butchers escape by breaking a chair over the Riots heads and making their way back to the platform at Union Square.

The Lizzies 2, The Savage Huns 4

Demons vs. Elves: After successfully blaming Math for the takedown of Soko, the Demons get cocky, going so far as to steal candy from a nearby bodega. They also steal Mexican Coke, so they will have bottles to put on their fingers later. 

The Elves roll on to the court in a punked-up school bus, swinging chains from the windows. The bus looks really badass, but is actually too slow to catch up to a gang full of guys running for the subway platform.

Rogues 3, Turnbulls 3 – this one is going into OT

Skyfighters vs. Anklebiters: The Anklebiters hook their thumbs into their overalls and roller skate down a subway hallway ramp toward the Skyfighters, who hide out in the station bathroom. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSiafSRZkMM

When the ‘Biters follow them in, the Skyfighters bust out from behind the stall doors. The Skyfighters’ Caroline “Rembrandt” W, armed with a can of red spray paint, strikes first, getting Joe P in the face. Then, it’s an all-out brawl. Heads bang into mirrors, bodies get thrown into walls and tossed over shoulders. When the Skyfighters exit, captain Dan Hopper orders Caroline to leave their mark on the wall, to let everyone know the Skyfighters were there.

Boyle Avenue Runners 3, Punks 2

Lbs at Filthier:  The Lbs confuse all of BTSH when they show up in full Yankees uniforms and Kiss makeup. When Jenna Cruff asks what’s up with their new look, they remain silent and menacingly swing their hockey sticks. 

Filthier bops in on them wearing shiny purple vests,

which blind the Lbs., leading to a 3-2 victory for the smooth Boppers.

Megatouch vs. Dark Rainbows: Megatouch is so excited about their invite to “the big meeting” that they surprise everyone with new uniforms, and a new name. They are now calling themselves “The Mega-Hi-Hats”

Despite the heat, and to much chagrin of the Rainbows, their makeup stays on throughout the game, and half pass out due to heat.

Hi-hats 1, Moonrunners 3

Rehabs at Gremlins:

The Electric Eliminators hangout before the game with the Saracens, so much so, that they decide they don’t really want to play against each other anymore.  Rich comes over and forces 5 people each into a fighting match, and the Rehabs pull through this one in OT 4-3.

Cobra Kai at Poutine Machine:

Just as in this preview, nothing really happens with these two gangs, but they’re the closest fit in terms of clothes and leftover gangs for this game! 

Cobra Kai 4, Satans Mothers 2, empty net goal

Math vs. What the Puck: What the Puck runs out of subway tokens and shows up with only half a gang. Math jumps the turnstile and holds the doors until all lines and goalie are on the train.

They show up in full force, but have to fight the stick-swinging Lbs and a bus full of Elves on their way. Also, they are confused about the stare-down they get from Patrick Barch behind his mirrored sunglasses. Midway through the game, Joey Batista sneaks over to the sidelines and tells his teammates that he witnessed the takedown of Dave Soko. Math looks around and realizes they are surrounded by delegates from throughout BTSH. The Demons look particularly menacing, but before they can waste Batista, the Mathematics lure the Demons to the beach, their territory. The Kills, who have somehow added like 90 people to their roster, are not far behind. Just before the rumble starts, Sam Norris asks Coach, “Why’d you do it? Why’d you waste Soko?” Coach replies, “No reason. I just like doing things like that.” Sam Norris looks over to see Barch and the Kills. They’ve heard everything. Barch, just before advancing on the Demons with his goalie stick and the Fresh Kills, nods at Derek and says, “You Mathematics are good. Real good.”

“The best,” Derek replies, and Barch waves his arm at the Fresh Kills, who part to let the Mathematics through on their way to the bar.

So we really haven’t done the Not 3 Stars because we typically get negative feedback from those that were mentioned. But there were just too many losers this week not to do 3 Not Stars. 

Hey, at least its not wrestling related. There will be no wrestling in this article!

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Every couple of years, BTSH gets lucky and somehow manages to recruit one cool person into the league. This year one finally hit, and it happens to be this week’s feature on Know Your Neighbor!

Name: Call me Isaac

Hometown: Alexandria, Virginia

Oh fuck, here come the BTSH conspiracy theorists…

College: George Mason University

Profession: Project and Financial Management

Favorite NHL team(s): Colorado Avalanche and Washington Capitals

All right, I’ll take that—just like the Rangers had him, you did have the best NHL player of all-time for a few years

If a $20 bill dropped out of someone on the Fresh Kills pocket, would you return it: No idea what you are talking about, but we can continue this interview at Ace or Double Wide (sponsored by a blundering member of FK).

What celebrity are you most like: Not to humblebrag, but I’ve been mistaken for the imposter who plays Thor.

You’re not humblebragging—I don’t think you look anything like this imposter

Ohh, you mean this hunk!

Favorite BTSH team other than the Gremlins: Tough one… As a whole team I would have to say your Math. Aside from you Norris,’ there are plenty of good character peeps.

Woohoo—and to think I was going to edit your answer no matter what to say such a nice thing! Let’s go Mets, Let’s go Math, Long live Isaac!!!

Current Aspirations: A win. Not being traded.

If the Tompkins Square hawk was on a team, what team would it be on: The Elves. They could use the help.

If the Tompkins Square hawk actually played, how would you defend it when it picks up the ball and swoops to the net, given the BTSH high stick rule: Nobody stops the Tompkins Square hawk!

Favorite NYC bar:  After a game, Double Wide.  Or whatever watering hole my Karmas are at.

As an official BTSH referee, what is your take on the Citizens’ United ruling:  A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.

Good point, but I don’t know if Walmart or its people are worse

Why do you hate Rich Glanzer so much:  Ugh!  He’s too passive.  I prefer a man who is more assertive and takes charge.  You know, like a wrestler. 

When you think about things, how do you think:  I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

What the BTSH media will begin to overhype you about:  My ungainly dance moves.

Rangers or Islanders (Capitals Excluded):  Ice cream.

Oh, great call!

Bleu cheese or Ranch:  Neither agrees with my delicate digestive system.  How about balsamic-vinaigrette instead?

How does it feel to be the third best Stewart in the league:  🙁

If Instant Karma made it to the BTSH Championship, what team would you want to play:  Worky and his merry band of Ankle-bitters.  Lately they haven’t been passing the smell test.  And that smell is Fear.

Their goalie, Craig, hasn’t passed a literal smell test either for quite some time—quite the little stinker…

If Sigmund Freud analyzed your game play, what would he conclude:  NSFBTSH

If you had to overthrow Ben Chadwick, how would you do it (Rich Glanzer tactics excluded):  Ben Chadwick?  Never heard of him.  I run Karma now.