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3rd star:  Lbs.’ dugout cheering section

Walking up to the park on Sunday I heard some people SCREAMING at the top of their lungs, as I got closer I realized that all this shouting and carrying on was coming from the dugout in the west court. At first it seemed to be heckling, so my initial instinct was that these were likely Tompkins skaters mocking us.  I stepped into the park and began watching the Lbs./Filthy game.  These kids couldn’t have been louder or more distracting coming from the dugout, so much so that one person standing next to me who was set to play the next game said to me “I hope we arent playing on that side” (this actually happened). Heckling, shaking the dugout fence so hard that it nearly came loose, and yelling things like “Flying V formation!!” they kept at it, play after play.  It took me awhile before it even became clear that they must have been there to see Lbs. play (apparently they are friends of some dude on Lbs. named Scott who I don’t know).  As Lbs. gave up goal after goal (they lost 7-2) it didn’t matter, nothing could deter these die-hard fans. These dugout hooligans embodied the true BTSH spirit: Be Loud.  Be Obnoxious. Have Fun.  You would have made Ellery proud, random Lbs. fans. 

2nd star: Steve Yu – What The Puck

again??

Another new guy put up a hat trick this week.  Another new guy who I don’t know. I don’t even think I’ve heard his name before. I decided to interview him this week, given this recent trend of random players notching hat tricks like it’s nothing.

JW – Hey Steve, I’m John, I don’t believe we’ve met, I play for the Gremlins and write the 3 stars for the league website. Congratulations on the hat trick, and on single-handedly putting up enough goals to beat offensive juggernaut Math. Tell me about the goals. 

Steve – The sound of wind rustling through leaves…..no response from Steve. 

JW – Umm, ok….well, how long have you been in the league?  

Steve – cricket sounds….no response. 

JW – I have to say, you’re not very talkative after such a big win and scoring a hat trick, Steve. How do you like playing in BTSH?

Steve – no response. again. 

No matter what questions I asked, I got no response from Steve. The reason for this, simply put….is that STEVE PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. I am not convinced that WTP didn’t pool their goals together and make up a random fake name so that one of their players could get a star this week. In fact, this sounds exactly like something Justin would do.  Nice try, but I’m onto you, WTP.  Enjoy the star this week, but I am launching a full investigation.  

1st star of the week: GUT ROT, BITCHES!!! – the whole fucking team. 

Gut Rut could get a star every week for being one of the coolest, most fun teams in the league. (Every team should model themselves after Gut Rot or Mega Touch. Period).  Gut Rot are one of the most tight-knit, fun, old school BTSH teams that still exists. We all love to love Gut Rot.  What Gut Rot ISN’T is a team who normally (ever) beats one of the top teams in the entire league, the Corlears Hookers, let alone SHUTS THEM OUT.  This 4th division topples 1st division upset may well be one the greatest upsets in BTSH history. I honestly don’t even know how to begin emphasizing the importance of this David over Goliath accomplishment, so I am going to let the one and only Rich Glanzer speak about it, as he was on the scene.

Rich:  I reffed the game and admittedly, thought this was going to be a 4-0 affair. But after 10 minutes I noticed something. Though Gut Rot had no shots and the Hookers had a lot, they never had second chances. Eric R. calmly made every save and swept the ball out of danger. None of the shots were point blank and I felt he should have made all those saves. The Hookers were outplaying Gut Rot but it was clearly a case of bending not breaking. Then everything changed. Gilligan started controlling the ball and Gut Rot started to get some chances. The rest of the half was fairly even. The second half was really fun to ref. The play that signified the whole game was JSB running from one half the rink with the ball to the other half parallel, and not gaining an inch on Heather who was on him tight. Finally he was able to get a step and just dumped the ball down the rink. Exhausted he said, “Next time can we just agree that you’ll let me just dump it down so we both don’t have to run?” Eventually Gut Rot put one home on a nice play and then held on for the win. It was a complete team effort. It wasn’t like Eric stole the game, or Gilligan did all the work. It was a really even game that could have went either way and while it didn’t beat Gut Rot’s awesome win against WTP in the 2010 playoffs, this was probably their best regular season win of their franchise. Well done. Though Noelle says it won’t count since she wasn’t there. 

So, there you have it folks. Gut Rot – a name synonymous with fun, hijinks, awesome people, Pinot Grigio shots, being more fun than you, and fun….now with a huge team win, and a 1st star like no other. 

Those are your 3 stars of the week, have a good night, and my apologies to Gabe Chenard-Poirer, we ran out of time. 

This week’s previews were written by creative-extraordinaire, Amy Anderla!  The Warriors is now streaming on Netflix!

Can you count, suckas? I say the future is ours, if you can count! The problem in the past has been the man turning us against one another. We have been unable to see the truth, because we have fighting for ten square feet of ground.  Our turf, our little piece of turf. That’s crap, brothers! The turf is ours by right, because it’s our turn. We take over one borough at a time. Secure our territory… secure our turf… because it’s all our turf! This Sunday, you’ll be standing on the Tompkins Square Park courts with 6 delegates from 20 teams.  That’s 120 soldiers! With another six on the sidelines for each team, that’s 240 hardcore members. And all around the city, countless reserves and free agents are ready and willing to fight. Now there ain’t but 1 police tower and 10 park workers in the whole park. Can you dig it?

Fresh Kills vs. Instant Karma: Fresh Kills Captain, Dave Soko goes down in the pre-game huddle when Denim Demons’ Coach runs by, disguised in his goalie mask, and takes a stick to Soko’s knee. Adam Rubens, nearby, screams, “It was Math! Math did it! Math took out Soko!!! Math did it!”

The loss of their captain only makes Fresh Kills more militant and focused on the court, and they roll over everything in their way. After the game, Patrick Barch dons a pair of intimidating mirrored sunglasses and starts plotting the Kills’ revenge. Fresh Kills delegates, and organizes the rest of the league in a hunt for the Mathematics. 

The Gramercy Riffs 6, Jones Street Boys 2

Hookers vs. Gut Rot: Gut Rot tries to prove how badass they are by showing the Hookers an article written about them in the Tompkins Square Shopper. It turns out that the article is actually just about how much money they collectively spend on brunch drinks, which the Hookers pretend to be intimidated by. “Oh yeah,” they tell Gut Rot, “our youth worker told us about you.” When Got Rot reveals that they don’t even have a youth worker, the Hookers tell them that it must be because they’re so bad that the youth workers are afraid of them. Gut Rot agrees to play the Hookers only if the Hookers don’t wear their colors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjsEaRqW8JA

The Hookers refuse and line up for the game. They march right over Gut Rot’s turf. Heather follows them after the game to see if they actually drink together. 

Hurricanes 5, The Orphans 3

Tompkins Square Riots vs. Butchers: The Riots lure the Butchers into a false sense of friendship and security during the first half of the game by dancing and making out with them. 

The Butchers are also distracted by the newly crimped hair of Riots captain Amy Jones. Rachel Greene is suspicious of all of this and wants to get off the courts but her teammates are having too much fun. They wise up in the middle of the second half when Amy Jones starts shooting balls at them from the sidelines and the rest of her team pulls switchblades. The Butchers escape by breaking a chair over the Riots heads and making their way back to the platform at Union Square.

The Lizzies 2, The Savage Huns 4

Demons vs. Elves: After successfully blaming Math for the takedown of Soko, the Demons get cocky, going so far as to steal candy from a nearby bodega. They also steal Mexican Coke, so they will have bottles to put on their fingers later. 

The Elves roll on to the court in a punked-up school bus, swinging chains from the windows. The bus looks really badass, but is actually too slow to catch up to a gang full of guys running for the subway platform.

Rogues 3, Turnbulls 3 – this one is going into OT

Skyfighters vs. Anklebiters: The Anklebiters hook their thumbs into their overalls and roller skate down a subway hallway ramp toward the Skyfighters, who hide out in the station bathroom. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSiafSRZkMM

When the ‘Biters follow them in, the Skyfighters bust out from behind the stall doors. The Skyfighters’ Caroline “Rembrandt” W, armed with a can of red spray paint, strikes first, getting Joe P in the face. Then, it’s an all-out brawl. Heads bang into mirrors, bodies get thrown into walls and tossed over shoulders. When the Skyfighters exit, captain Dan Hopper orders Caroline to leave their mark on the wall, to let everyone know the Skyfighters were there.

Boyle Avenue Runners 3, Punks 2

Lbs at Filthier:  The Lbs confuse all of BTSH when they show up in full Yankees uniforms and Kiss makeup. When Jenna Cruff asks what’s up with their new look, they remain silent and menacingly swing their hockey sticks. 

Filthier bops in on them wearing shiny purple vests,

which blind the Lbs., leading to a 3-2 victory for the smooth Boppers.

Megatouch vs. Dark Rainbows: Megatouch is so excited about their invite to “the big meeting” that they surprise everyone with new uniforms, and a new name. They are now calling themselves “The Mega-Hi-Hats”

Despite the heat, and to much chagrin of the Rainbows, their makeup stays on throughout the game, and half pass out due to heat.

Hi-hats 1, Moonrunners 3

Rehabs at Gremlins:

The Electric Eliminators hangout before the game with the Saracens, so much so, that they decide they don’t really want to play against each other anymore.  Rich comes over and forces 5 people each into a fighting match, and the Rehabs pull through this one in OT 4-3.

Cobra Kai at Poutine Machine:

Just as in this preview, nothing really happens with these two gangs, but they’re the closest fit in terms of clothes and leftover gangs for this game! 

Cobra Kai 4, Satans Mothers 2, empty net goal

Math vs. What the Puck: What the Puck runs out of subway tokens and shows up with only half a gang. Math jumps the turnstile and holds the doors until all lines and goalie are on the train.

They show up in full force, but have to fight the stick-swinging Lbs and a bus full of Elves on their way. Also, they are confused about the stare-down they get from Patrick Barch behind his mirrored sunglasses. Midway through the game, Joey Batista sneaks over to the sidelines and tells his teammates that he witnessed the takedown of Dave Soko. Math looks around and realizes they are surrounded by delegates from throughout BTSH. The Demons look particularly menacing, but before they can waste Batista, the Mathematics lure the Demons to the beach, their territory. The Kills, who have somehow added like 90 people to their roster, are not far behind. Just before the rumble starts, Sam Norris asks Coach, “Why’d you do it? Why’d you waste Soko?” Coach replies, “No reason. I just like doing things like that.” Sam Norris looks over to see Barch and the Kills. They’ve heard everything. Barch, just before advancing on the Demons with his goalie stick and the Fresh Kills, nods at Derek and says, “You Mathematics are good. Real good.”

“The best,” Derek replies, and Barch waves his arm at the Fresh Kills, who part to let the Mathematics through on their way to the bar.

So we really haven’t done the Not 3 Stars because we typically get negative feedback from those that were mentioned. But there were just too many losers this week not to do 3 Not Stars. 

Hey, at least its not wrestling related. There will be no wrestling in this article!

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