btsh.org

Man I am getting tired of all these hat tricks.  They just aren’t fun to write about.  I remember when hat tricks were rare in this league.  Also, back in my day I walked to school in the snow every day, uphill both ways.  You kids today don’t know how easy you have it. 
Not only are all these hatties not fun to write about, are they even exciting when they happen anymore??  I mean, it’s like every. damn. week. with you people. 
In protest – no hat trick scorers are getting stars this week. Period.
James Stewart scored 4 goals (!!!), and his hat trick came in the first half (!!!)  Amazing, but, you score all the time, James.  Nothing for you. Also, save that shit for Ocean City, J-Stew. (insert gratuitous Instant Shawarma shout out here.)  Jeff Ruel from Poutine scored his first career hat-trick this week.  That’s awesome, and congrats Jeff…..but you picked the wrong week to do it.  Some guy named Zach Fein (???) on the Demons who no one’s ever heard of also scored a hat trick.  Maybe it was his first career hat trick.  You know what, I don’t care anymore.  Lastly, some dude named Gabe scored one.  I don’t know who he is, but apparently he now has 24 goals on the season.

Ok, hat trick rant over.  Now for your 3 stars of the week…

3rd star:
Anyone who stayed and watched all of the Mega-Karma shootout  (and didn’t fall asleep)

This shootout went 11 rounds.  (That’s right, I said 11 rounds!)  That’s 22 shooters.  How many of them actually made moves and had a chance to potentially score? Maybe 5 or 6.  Maybe.  There was a lot of shooting it right into the goalie.  There was a lot of the ball getting away from the shooter and them not even getting a shot off.  It was kind of like watching little kids pick up a hockey stick for the first time and try a shootout.  But, like, 2 year old kids.  Not like, 7 or 8 year old kids. The most exciting thing about this shootout was the heckling.  All of you who stayed and watched deserve this star, and a pat on the back.  When the shooters failed to entertain you, you entertained yourselves. To stop yourselves from nodding off you screamed, you shouted, you pointed and laughed. You hoped all this action on the sidelines might inspire someone to actually score so that the intense misery experienced by everyone involved would finally end. But it just kept going on, and on…..and ON.  It was like 8pm, all your friends were already at the bar, all you wanted to do was leave to join them, or go eat, or literally anything else. You weren’t sure which you would die of first – starvation or boredom. But despite all this you stuck with it.  You stuck with it and you made it fun. While you really deserve much more for this feat of patience, all I have to offer you is the 3rd star. 

Seriously, watching Jamie’s gear dry would have been more exciting than watching that shootout.

2nd star: Brady Caldwell – Mega Touch

                                                                                                          He’s so dreamy.

Brady stepped up and did what no one else could (well, at least, what no one else on Mega or Karma could, clearly). He ended the 11-round Mega Touch/Instant Karma shootout.  Brady shot first in this shootout, it then went 10 rounds through Mega’s ENTIRE order and got back to him.  He pulled up and ripped a shot right past Jamie, and that was the end of it.  When asked about this shootout captain Julie Katz said “This was all part of my plan, I let them borrow Jamie because I predicted an 11-round shootout, and I know that once a shootout goes past 10 rounds, Jamie can’t make any more saves. That Ben Chadwick is a fool. Also, do you have any candy, John?”  Life doesn’t always give you 2nd chances, but Brady got one on Sunday, and he made it count. For giving your team a much-needed win against a favored team (and for finally ending everyone’s anguish) I award you 2nd star. At the same time, Alex Eben Meyer said it best when he said “You should’ve just done that the first time.”

Side note: Personally, I wasn’t sure that Brady didn’t kick the puck in. I wish there was a video somewhere to confirm that. 

Video

1st star of the week: Mike Tuckman – Mega Touch

Ok, so I had jokes about the ineptitude of the shooters in the Mega-Karma shootout. But in reality, Tuckman had to make some tough saves….and make them he did.  Certainly not 11 tough saves, but a handful.  There were at least a couple occasions where Karma shooters tried to go forehand-backhand on him and he did the ol’ 2-pad-stack.  We were loving it.  Not only did he excel in the shootout, making every single save against ELEVEN SHOOTERS, he also kept his team in the game throughout all of regulation.  It should also be noted that Tuckman refuses to wear anything except old school street hockey gear.  Not only does this make him far cooler than you, it arguably puts him at a disadvantage in net as compared to his ice gear-wearing counterparts, thus making his feat on Sunday all the more impressive. Tuck, for overcoming the odds and pulling out an amazing underdog victory for your team, I award you 1st star.  But, please, never let a 5:30 game shootout go on that long again, we implore you. 

Truth be told, I look forward to the 5:30 games at TSP. The TSP Hawk usually comes at approximately 5:30-6 p.m. on the far court and I find him to be less judgmental than Rachel Greene and covers his point better than Chadwick. But the Hawk did not come yesterday. Instead, we got Gut Rot, FK, Mega and Instant Kharma.

Read the rest of this entry »

In this week’s previews, I continue to spam you with details about this Saturday, when BTSH heads to Sheepshead Bay for a 7pm-Midnight Striped Bass fishing trip!  Here are the details, email me if you’re interested (SJNorris28 AT gmail.com). 

As we get closer by the day to Ocean City, there’s one more adventure on the BTSH bucket list.  Last year, the Butchers claimed victory over Math and Gut Rot with the largest fish and sickest passenger.  This year, these titles are up for grabs!  

This Saturday, August 15 at 7:00, a bunch of BTSHers are heading out on a striped bass adventure!  It’s a 5 hour trip (returning at midnight) and is BYOB.  The price is $38 + a possible $10/rod fee (last time they didn’t charge us for rods, but the first time I went they did) that we each pay in cash when we get to the boat.  

So, what else could you possibly do on Saturday night, while getting drunk, for 5 hours that is under $50.  Not much–see you there!

And wait, there’s more! If we get 20 BTSHers to confirm–I’ll buy a keg for all of us for the boat trip.

To get there, just take the B or Q to the Sheepshead Bay stop.  It will be about a 10 minute walk from there to the fishing docks.  Please make sure to be at the Sheepshead Bay dock (across from the Applebee’s of Sheepshead Bay & past the blue walking bridge) by 6:45 at the very latest:

https://www.google.com/maps/dir/”/captain+dave+fishing+nyc/@40.5833499,-73.9778888,13z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m8!4m7!1m0!1m5!1m1!1s0x89c2447a490fcd2f:0x91477c15ad6b6e62!2m2!1d-73.943556!2d40.583355

Also, just to note: these trips can be canceled due to weather, so I will call them Saturday afternoon to confirm the trip.  But, worse comes to worse and it is cancelled once we’re already there–we just walk down the street and turn this into BTSH Coney Island night.  So, bring your significant other, and let’s catch some fish or ride the Cyclone!!!

What The Puck at LBS, Inc.

The media is asking, who is Steve Yu on WTP?!  They are also always asking, who the hell is on LBS other than four five (I always forget you’re a Pounder, Tommy C!) known people?!  Who is going to win this game?!  Well, it’s Pandora’s box because I don’t know any of these goal scorers, except Mike D and goal stopper, Timmy B!

Sam’s Prediction: WTP will come out strong, but LBS will stay at it.  It’ll be a close one, if all the people I don’t know show up, but LBS will take it late in the game or in OT!

Rich’s Prediction: Is Sam going to try and sell us Rayburn sunglasses next? What the hell Hsieh? Lbs. bounce back and win 7-1. 

 

Cobra Kai at Gouging Anklebiters

It turns out that you never know what type of Cobra Kai you’re getting.  Lately, they haven’t been too hot.  What about those Biters?!  Well, they’re picking up some serious steam and Craig might actually get a playoff win within the next couple of years. 

Most importantly, every keeps asking the BTSH Media, how will Workman play pending his planning anxiety over the upcoming OC tourney? 

Sam’s Prediction: If Cobra Kai shows up to manhandle, they take it 4-2.  If Cobra Kai plays how they have been, the Gougers are going to leave some big ole bite marks all over Altman’s wiener. 

Rich’s Prediction: A lot of Craig hate for only one playoff win. I think its unfair. I also only have one playoff win as goalie in BTSH. Biters take this 5-1. 

Gremlins at Filthier

This may be the game of the week!  We’ll let Rich figure that one out.  The Grems are one of the BTSH Greats this year, as is Filthier!  If Brian, Ryan, Rod, and Ryan’s GF (sorry, I forget how to spell your name!) come out hot, it could put Filthier in a tough spot. 

Then again, if James, Suvin, or the Williamsburg Jet boys come out strong with Anna crashing the net, it’ll be a tough game for Gremlin defense and Jamie.

Sam’s Prediction: It’s always a bitch trying to score on Tim K.  You deke left, he slides left, then you deke right, he slides right, then you act like you’re about to deke left again, but really stay right, and he calls the bullshit and never slides left…

Trying to beat Tim, while he calls and raises the shots:

Rich’s Prediction: This is NOT the Game of the Week. Filthier 5 Gremmies 0. Poor poor Gremmies. Screw that Hicks guy for trying to wear my clothing attire and not getting me a beer. Make it 6-0.

Tompkins Square Riots at Poutine Machine

This may be the GOTW, too!  Rich, what are your thoughts?!  Both teams have been upsetting other teams here and there all season and have the potential for a big upset in the playoffs! 

Poutine’s offense has the capabilities of sometimes dropping some big numbers, so this Sunday will test Dave in net.  Riots, on the other hand, sometimes field a nasty team that could put a lot of goals in, too.

Sam’s Prediction:  It turns into a run and gun type of game with big saves, a few posts, and lots of goals, but Poutine takes it at the tail end 5-4. 

Rich’s Prediction:
My prediction is Sam uses more cliches in the previews below! I also predict the Riots are short on girls, the media finds out Jo-Ann was actually behind Amy Jones injury but still lose 2-1. 

Mathematics at Happy Little Elves

This definitely might be the Game of the Week.  Rich, what are your thoughts?!

Sam’s Prediction: Quite simply put: 

Rich’s Prediction:
This is definitely GOTW. No Gil, no chance. The Elves barely wrestling win 5-0. We would have won 7-0 if he was there. Also, no goals by anyone with siblings on Math! I guess you could have inferred that with the shutout prediction though?

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs

The Hookers have really been stinking it up lately.  The Elves?!  Gut Rot?!  I mean, COME ON, what’s happening here?!  Rehabs?!

Rehabs beat the Grems this past week and look to keep stomping.  This will be a good game—nobody knows how this one is going to turn out!

Sam’s Prediction: Rehabs keep it rolling and beat the Hookers 4-2 with an empty net goal at the end of regulation

Rich’s Prediction: 
Fuck the Rehabs. I hate those guys. I do like Cena though. I know its Sena, but I need to make at least one wrestling reference, right?

Butchers at Denim Demons

Jeff gets seasick again from the previous night’s fishing trip and throws up on the court.  Coach makes it out on the boat, too, but suffers all game long from that wavy feeling you get when you’ve been on a dock or on the water all day and just spins around in net all game. 

This game becomes the worst game ever played in BTSH history due to it.  People also just fall over at random points for unprescribed reasons.  They start playing with multiple balls at once and don’t even realize it.  At one point, Rubens drops trough and takes a dump in the middle of the court after thinking about Dumpster’s in OC, but no one even seems to notice or care.  It is truly a terrible game to play in and watch.

Sam’s Prediction: There weren’t even refs that showed up, so no one knows who actually won and the only loser is the clean team

Rich’s Prediction:
I refuse to clean Adam’s poop. I thought my Ocean City team had Arnold but now found out he’s not going. So fuck the Butchers. I think the guy with the Yamaka scores 2 goals and the Demons win 4-3. 

 

Dark Rainbows at Sky Fighters

Was Kevin Longwell at the game last week?  I wasn’t at the courts, but it appears Mega took the W last week.  The Sky Fighters have picked up their game, but were bested by the Biters last week.  Both teams are going to come out strong to notch a W and get some wins back in their system. 

Sam’s Prediction: While the Rainbows will keep the Sky Fighters at bay, their hard shooting offense is going to score regardless.  Sky Fighters 4-1

Rich’s Prediction:
Sam, “Both teams are going to come out strong to notch a W and get some wins ” How many wins can each team get? Is there like a three-point wins line that I don’t know about? I know everything about BTSH I thought. Fuck the Rainbows. Damn Sexy Bernstein is good but the Sky Fighters win 4-1.

Gut Rot at Fresh Kills

I don’t believe in miracles.  As a matter of fact, there is no such thing as a miracle.  If there were, then I probably wouldn’t be an atheist. 

 

Sam Prediction:  Sorry Gut Rot, I think you have a 5% chance of winning, so that likely nets out to about a 6-1 game in favor of Fresh Kills, maybe 3-1 if Eric has another great game.

Rich’s Prediction:
Have you not followed Facebook Sam? Eric isn’t playing. Dave fake Gil Rubio is playing net. No offense Dave, I was picking Fresh Kills 7-0 with Eric in net. So because I like you I’ll make it 6-0. I’m an Atheist too. So is Friedman but I don’t want to make that public. 

Mega Touch at Instant Karma

Mega took a win last week while Karma took a stomping!  What happens when Mega has their mojo and Karma’s sacrificial shawarma is not turning into wins?  I don’t know, I don’t even know if anything I just typed makes any sense.  My boss keeps looking over to my computer to see what I’m doing right now, so this preview needs to start looking like work because I’m getting nervous. 

Click-through rates are not leading toward users converting on our client’s site and should not be a proxy for user engagement, as much of our media is placed on mobile devices.  Much of the high CTR is due to users fat-fingering ads on their mobile or tablet device, which is supported by extremely high bounce rates and very low time on site via Google Analytics.  This means that Karma may pull off a win, if they can get more traffic to their Instant Karma Facebook group.  However, if users keep getting updates about something being edited in that group, and I cannot quickly tell what the edit was or the necessity of it, they will bounce to Mega’s FB group.  If this happens, user site engagement may sky rocket due to Alex EM’s artwork, leading Mega to another W.

Sam’s Prediction: Alex EM’s art is really cool—the digitally optimistic Picasso, if you will.  I trust you will.  Mega 3-2 OT

Rich’s Prediction:
The 2010 champs come through with a much needed victory. Julie gchats me and tells me one of her good players (that really is only adequate) didn’t show. Ben scores. Huzzahh! 4-1 Instant. Fuck Mega, I hate those guys.

Since the Modern Era (2008-Present) I think its only happened once. I could definitely be wrong, but if I am I don’t remember, and my Hockey Autism is rarely wrong.

Read the rest of this entry »