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It’s been a while since the last three stars, but after Sunday, there were so many worthy candidates to choose from. let’s begin…

Honorable Mention

while worthy, this did not crack the top 3…

Larry from Mega Touch on his assist. Normally assists don’t merit a star, but Larry’s been around forever, and sometimes we at the media, enjoy throwing players a bone.

THIRD STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his first goal of the season. About time, Larry.

SECOND STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his second goal of the season. Second goal, second star.

and the FIRST STAR goes to…

Larry form Mega Touch on his hat trick. Did you read that correctly? Hell yea, you did. Larry had a hat trick!!!!???

Congrats to all the Stars.

-Completely impartial and anonymous BTSH beat reporter.

PS: Honorable Mention goes to McCauley from WTP who had 4 Goals.

So Mother’s Day is coming up so just use this template to call somebody special because we actually have a little time off to spend if you can. Some of yous may be playing some more hockey and drinkin’ and that’s ok. But take a little time and call or message one of the new mothers at the court that you may not see this Sunday. It would not hurt to drink a few beers before you do. (Sorry Julie)

Much like many other humans will be…..the Media has been replaced by ChatGPT.

An anonymous BTSHer generated these previews using ChatGPT, and sent them to the (former?) Media. (No, it was not me who made these. I am too old to even know what ChatGPT is.) In fact, I have not even read them yet, so hopefully there is nothing offensive in them.

So, without further ado, let’s see what our future robot overlords came up with…


Mega Touch vs. Butchers

Mega Touch wins 5-3. “Mega Touch always reminds me of that time I got a mega donut from Lard Lad. It was so big I couldn’t finish it, just like how Butchers won’t be able to finish off Mega Touch in this match.”

The Bad Seeds vs. Sky Fighters

Sky Fighters win 6-2. “I have a feeling that the Sky Fighters are going to be soaring high after this game, just like that time I flew on a homemade glider with Bart. The Bad Seeds are going to need more than just good intentions to win this one.”

Instant Karma vs. Vertz

Vertz win 4-2. “Instant Karma sounds like the name of a great candy bar, but it won’t taste as sweet when they lose to Vertz. Just like how it didn’t taste as sweet when I ate that spicy chili pepper in Springfield.”

Fresh Kills vs. Filthier

Fresh Kills win 5-4. “Fresh Kills always reminds me of the time I tried to clean the garage, but ended up making a bigger mess. Hopefully, they can keep their act together on the rink and beat Filthier by a goal.”

Poutine Machine vs. Lbs

Lbs win 3-2. “Poutine Machine sounds like something that would be served at Krusty Burger, but it won’t be enough to satisfy Lbs. Just like how I always think I can eat a whole pizza by myself, but end up sharing it with Marge.”

Riots vs. Demons

Denim Demons win 7-5. “Riots always reminds me of the time I caused a riot at the power plant, but the Denim Demons are going to cause their own kind of riot on the rink. It’s going to be a close one, but the Demons will come out on top.”

Dark Rainbows vs. Gremlins

Dark Rainbows win 6-3. “Dark Rainbows always reminds me of that time Lisa’s imaginary friend was a rainbow. But the Gremlins are going to be more than just imaginary opponents. Dark Rainbows will win by a few goals.”

Cobra Kai vs. Corlears Hookers

Cobra Kai wins 4-3. “Cobra Kai sounds like a really cool karate dojo, but it’s actually a team playing hockey. They’ll sweep the leg of Corlears Hookers and win by a goal. Just like how I learned to sweep the floor after Marge yelled at me.”

Fuzz vs. Anklebiters

Fuzz wins 5-1. “Fuzz reminds me of that time I tried to grow a beard, but it just ended up being a little patchy. The Gouging Anklebiters are going to feel a little patchy too after Fuzz beats them by four goals.”

The Agents vs. What the Puck

The Agents win 3-2. “What the Puck is a great phrase that I’m definitely going to use more often. But it won’t be enough for them to beat The Agents. It’s going to be a close game, but The Agents will come out on top.”

The last media article of the year!! With Finals upon us, we encourage everyone to come out and watch this Sunday at 2pm and then stick around for the BTSH Media Awards immediately after, which will be done right at the courts. And then, if you’re so inclined, go on down to Ace Bar for the end of year party – shout out to Jack for organizing.

PBR Cup Semis

Fuzz v Vertz
Jess: I’m just here to remind Rich that last week I explicitly said if the Vertz’ game went to a shootout they’d win and he said I WAS WRONG and it wouldn’t go to a shootout. Anyways, this time it’ll be too hard for the Vertz to fight back if they find themselves down 4 goals again. 
Rich: And I’m just here to remind Jess that if the Vertz were down 4 to Poutine they would have lost as they were only down 3.
Jess  ….math is hard for me and at one point it WAS 4-0.

Rich:

Jess: YOU ARE DISTRACTING THE PUBLIC FROM THE PREVIEW. You know what, now the Vertz win 10-0. 

Fresh Kills v Cobra Kai

Jess: Fresh Kills is like Fuzz but instead of Rich their resident old guy is Ariel. Cobra Kai losing the exemption vote on Siena will hurt them in the lady department this game but LJ, Charlotte, and Brita are more than capable to take on the Colby ladies. 
Rich: Never before has a team needed the FAA to hold serve so badly. With Ariel and Meg flying in, and Liam flying out, this game is all about those underpaid pilots. 

While Liam is a massive loss for CK, I wouldn’t write them off. They built their team on tenacity and one player doesn’t dictate that. FK has a very similar offense to Fuzz, and CK have given up 3,1 and 3 non-empty net goals the last 3 playoffs vs. us during regulation time. I think FK has to be the favorite as they will have the “FK 5” as well as the other 4 who prob are as good as those 5. I foresee a game where time of possession is clearly in FK’s favor, but CK will limit much of their chances to outside shots. However with this dominant O, they’ll get plenty of great opps too. Should be fun, glad I can’t watch it though. 

PBR Cup Finals –The media has explored the possibility of all finals matchups, regardless of favoritism

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Jess: I would LOVE to see CK finally beat Fuzz in a final. On paper it looks like Fuzz should win easily but something about when these two teams play against each other makes it incredibly close. I’m hoping for an OT and the good guys finally win.

Vertz v Cobra Kai

Hicks: One team has a snake logo, the other always has their snakes out. Please God, let this happen. ????

Fresh Kills v Fuzz
Jess: I think this is the one team that has the exact same type of male players as Fuzz and it will be incredibly interesting to see how they go toe-to-toe. I used to think Fresh Kills was the only team who could take down Fuzz but I still think Cobra Kai has their number. Once again, I am rooting for the ‘underdogs’ here…what kind of world do we live in where FK are the underdogs smh.

Vertz vs Fresh Kills
Jill Orange (Jim Apple’s cousin): Even though ‘don’t let the Vertz get hot’ is supposedly now banned – let’s pretend it’s not for a moment while I say the Vertz are as hot as a white dwarf star.

Unfortunately, even white dwarfs can cool off and if they get too cold they might lose to Fresh Kills, scientifically speaking of course. 

Fresh Kills take the win 3-1 and the Vertz slowly morph into a red dwarf, and then a black hole, sucking up the entire universe and Tompkins as we know it.

Schlitz Cup final: Sky Fighters v Mega Touch

Rich: With all these unlikely scenarios this is the only one I think that can actually happen. Jess already said Vertz beats Fuzz 10-0. Then they obliterate FK. Hicks is flying high. He runs over to the Schlitz Cup and challenges the winning team, PBR vs. Schlitz. Julie accepts and Mega beats Vertz handily and wins both trophies. Hicks never even touches the Cup and also loses in D5 on Tuesday. 

Cutler is seething mad and moves to Florida to live happily with Ariel. (I would have Sky Fighters winning but Wes is too classy to take another mans trophy, and obv Julie is not). 

Jess: on a serious Schlitz note, the last time I reffed was mega touch v sky fighters and tbh it made me never want to ref again because it was HEATED. Seriously who would have thought. It was a little too close for comfort with a controversial Mega goal last time so I’ll give this one to sky fighters in OT please nobody yell at me!!!

By Le Medía

Well folks, we’re nearly at the end of the season and after Sunday, only four teams will remain. Who they’ll be is anyone’s guess, but your favorite band of misfit media members took a stab at predicting the outcomes. Enjoy! (or don’t—we’re pretty indifferent about it)

Fresh Kills v Filthier

Jess: Filthier may have bested the Sky Fighters but I don’t see them getting away with beating Fresh Kills. Not with Gabe, the FK Five, Ariel magically being back from Florida every weekend, and the Colby farm system (+ most underrated nominee /last game’s goal scorer, Sheena). 

Filthier has done way better than people gave them credit for this season with some good pickups but it’s just not enough. If Fresh Kills can pull this off they get Meg back the following weekend. Prediction: FK 4-1.

Steven: I gave up four goals to FIlthier in two games. I gave up five goals to Fresh Kills in one game. So by that logic, Fresh Kills will win. 

Fuzz v Hookers

Dingle: Hookers have been played with fire these past two weeks—playing do-or-die hockey in an OT game against Butchers two weeks ago and a (lol) shootout against Mega last week. Will all those extra minutes contribute to some overall sluggishness in this game? No, but the hangovers sure might. 

Jess: An anonymous source said the Hookers’ girls are better than Fuzz’s girls (Ryann, do NOT beat me up pls) and with Cutler gone, I am inclined to agree with said anonymous source. But it’s tough to imagine a team that barely scraped by against the Butchers and Mega to beat Fuzz – a team with at least 3 dudes who live in NJ and live by the motto ‘men’s league ball hockey is lyfe’ – Fuzz wins this one. 

Steven: Charlotte from Fuzz is off coaching Team USA in a world championship roller tournament and will miss the game. Fuzz will struggle but they have a deep bench. The only way Hookers win is if Jack scores four goals. No pressure bud.

Cobra Kai v Demons

Glnzr: On paper, this is the right team for the Demons to pull off a massive upset. The Demons have a couple of scorers and the one weakness CK has is they have to work for all their goals. 

But that’s literally CK’s only weakness.  After playing them 3 times in semis/finals there is just no way CK loses. 5-0 for CK.  

Dingle: Honorable mention to Demons last week for playing with the shortest of short benches. I think they had only six or seven total players, so job well done last week. As far as this week goes, I agree with Glnzr (e gasp) in the sense that this is a major trap game for The Dojo. Yes, on paper Cobra Kai may have a deeper roster, but don’t sleep on the fact that Neil and Yeff—aka Jeff—can score some goals. I’ll peg this (hehe) as a closer one than anticipated, but CK still pulls out (hehe again) the win, 4-2. 

Poutine v Vertz

Jess: This one is gonna be spicy. I think Poutine might have the slight offensive edge here but Vertz have lock-down D + Tim K (love u Jeff). This is definitely going to overtime but if it goes to a shoot out I think Vertz win it. 

Glnzr: For what BTSH is, this may be the best coaching job in the history of the league. Mikey had a mass exodus and somehow got his team to have one of the best seasons ever. If there was an MVP of the league, he’d get my vote. But now he must face the team that poached some of his players. 

Meanwhile, the Vertz pulled off one of the biggest upsets in BTSH playoff history. I mean player for player it’s not that big an upset as the Vertz had a shit reg season but are obviously good. But I imagine 100% of the people not on the Vertz and certainly Cutler (who often bets against her team in the playoffs) thought the Lbs. would win. I think Jess is wrong and it’s not going to OT, and the Vertz win 3-1. 

Dingle: I can’t wait to make a “Don’t Let The Vertz Get Hot (DLTVGH)” alternate jersey for next season. 

Hicks: We don’t say that phrase anymore.