btsh.org

By: Rich Glanzer

According to a league historian, divisions started in BTSH in 2010. In 15 seasons, only one Third Division team ever made it to the BTSH finals, and they got absolutely destroyed by Filthier.

Now the historian is me and I’m not all that confident that I’m right, but one thing is for sure: Renaissance was minutes away from making the finals from the Third Division last year. But we’ll get to that in a moment. 

While the Third Division is much closer in talent to the Second Division than the Fourth, all five teams have some holes to fill if they hope to lift the PBR Cup. 

Filthier

After finishing in last in Second Division , Filthier is dropping down to the Third. With so many games against Fourth Division teams, I’d be shocked if James didn’t win the scoring title this year. Sadly, league stats took a five or so year sabbatical, and they weren’t/aren’t kept well to begin with, so we have no idea how many scoring titles he’s won. Unless you’re Mike T. he’s won more than you. And odds are Mike T. is not reading this. I expect Filthier to have a very good record this year. Their attendance is typically solid, and four of their women (Appleyard sisters, Danielle, and Ann) scored three or more goals last season.

My one concern…well I am not actually concerned as I only care about my team, is Doug plays a lot of games as a sub, and if he plays prior to Filthier that can affect his play for them.

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Gremlins

An insane stat is that since 1969, the Pittsburgh Steelers have only had three coaches! I rarely use exclamation points, but this is exclamation point worthy. 

Well in the spring of 2003, Craig L. became the Unicorn goalie and left in 2012. That’s when the Unicorns became the Gremlins and Jamie Batuwantudawe became the goalie. So since 2003, while many other franchises have had dozens of goalies, the Unicorns/Gremlins franchise has only had two.

Despite the stability at goalie, the Gremmies are going with a change at captain. Rod will be replacing our beloved Walker. Last year, David C. led the team in goals with 11, and the league’s favorite Fazio was second with 5. So offense will be a priority for the league’s oldest team. The are adding Margaret, Tamara and Kevin, but no one knows how good they are as of this writing.

Sky Fighters

Only two teams (should) go home happy in BTSH. The BTSH and Schlitz champions. All others should hang their heads in shame and feel no joy until next season. Sadly, this is super true of Sky Fighters. Up 1-0 with 20 seconds left in the first round against Renaissance, Sky had the ball on the sidelines. All they needed to do was dump the ball in a corner and run to Cam on a
great game played. But instead they tried to score an empty net goal, APK, made the relatively easy save, skated up, and the ball found the Rens’ best scorer Emma, who was left uncovered and top shelfed it with 10 seconds left. The Rens completed the comeback in OT, and the SF season was over. But there’s a great saying, “You either win or you learn…or you get Wes to come out of retirement and play for you.” Yup, that’s the saying. Wes along with my Media Tag Team Partner Joshua F. are going to be a potent one-two punch in the Third Division. I am a Wes Truther and feel he could be the best player in the league. Jake has longed wanted to move up to the Second Division and with their balanced scoring of Shaun, Andreas and Aryeh, Ellie, and Geldner, they should be in every game.

Renaissance

Only two teams (should) go home happy in BTSH. The BTSH and Schlitz champions. All others should hang their head in shame and feel no joy until next season. Sadly, this is super true of Sky Fighters Renaissance.

I have a lot to say.  First a spoiler alert. BTSH reminds me of the 1979 cult classic, The Warriors. The sniveling coward in this picture took a shot at the leader of the NYC gangs, because he likes doing things like that. He blamed it on The Warriors, and let’s just say they had a rough time getting back to their home in Coney Island. This is the last scene You Renaissance are good, real good. 

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But while Swan has the right to claim The Warriors are the best, you, sadly, don’t.

Up by two goals in the semis against Poutine, you didn’t lock it down. Multiple times their forwards went around your D and it forced me to tell Pete’s New Years Eve date that while he’s a great guy, he needs to become more defensive minded before I grant my permission to marry him. Sadly, I was sober when I said this. 

No one has ever won the PBR Cup from the Third, but the Rens legitimately can be the first. They are the youngest team in the league, have solid attendance, and have very annoyingly great team comradery. Emma and Ryan are a great one-two punch, but they also have solid secondary scoring. Sophia is solid in net and they also have Yehuda. and I am a Yehuda Guy. 

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Pete says they are adding multiple high level players. They will miss Mike C., but I think with their collection of players, they can win a championship. But they aren’t ready… yet.

While watching them blow the two-goal lead, I harken back to a play earlier in that game. Steph made two excellent plays that stopped a goal. I was expecting to hear 13 players whooping it up and congratulating her, like they do when one of their players scores their 14th goal against WTP in July. But instead…silence. Not a word.  And that’s what’s missing. Not just a commitment to D, but to actually recognize it when it happens.

Winning championships isn’t about the OT goal. It’s about backchecking on the 2 on 1. It’s about not even allowing the 2 on 1. It’s about making an elite player dump the ball because you are in such great position, they won’t even try to go around you. It’s about making the D to D pass, dumping the ball and going for a quick line change. It’s about capitalizing on a mistake that your team didn’t make…wouldn’t make. 

It’s about realizing the best play Jack Hughes made in OT in the Olympics wasn’t his goal, but stopping McDavid one on one, which led to his goal. The Championship Window doesn’t stay open forever. It’s open for them. But I want to see them chest bump when Gelman’s shot gets blocked, not when Tommy makes it 9-1 over the Dekes.  

Denim Demons

First off, Tracy had two goals last year and I’m very happy for her. But that was tied for the leading scorer amongst women on the team along with Zoe, and if the Demons are going to find success in Division 3, they are going to have to spread out their scoring a little more. Luca, Alex and Will all had more than double digits in goals, but those may dry up a little in Div 3.

I don’t expect the Demons to come in second overall this season, but don’t get me wrong, this team can play. Last year they beat Fuzz and Fresh Kills, the two teams that won in 2024 and 2025. And they almost beat Vertz, who won the Presidents’ Trophy. The improvement in one year was wild. While there will be an obvious point regression because of the division jump, I think they will have a lot of success this season. 

Predictions:

I see the Rens winning the division, with Filthier in second, Demons in third, Sky Fighters in fourth and sadly, the Gremmies in fifth. But honestly, two through four is sorta interchangeable.

By: Rich Glanzer

If every division had an MVP, the Fourth would have three co-MVPs for the 2026 season. Co-
commissioners Mike Tarnow and Adam Herman, along with former Riots captain Suz, all realized it was no fun having the Fourth Division play the First. Thanks to the Commissioners for coming up with multiple schedules, and to Suz for calling every player and captain to ever play in BTSH, as well as the 5 living United States Presidents, and using a Ouija board to attempt to summon
recently departed Jimmy Carter.

We can retire the Simpsons meme that Walker loves so much, as the first and fourth divisions will no longer play each other.

Riots

New Riots captain Dave Zuckerman is creating a tsunami with his moves and has put the rest of the Fourth Division on notice. 

Now let me preface this. I have spoken to Zuck on the phone numerous times about him captaining the Riots. We have texted. I have offered advice. We played on the same D5 team. I know this man. So when I asked captains if they wanted a preview of their team, this is the email I received.

“Hi Rich, This is Zuck. I was on Moby Dekes last season and will be joining the Riots this year as captain.” 

While Zuck may have the memory of Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates, there is literally no one in the league with more passion to improve their team. He has added several players, including Jacob Berkowitz, who scored 18 goals in 14 games last year for the Dekes. Zuck swears all new recruits will  play competitively every shift and bring more talent than those who left. I’m a Mike Millstein Guy, so that remains to be seen. 

Rainbows

But before we crown the Riots as D4 Champions, the Rainbows are going to have something to say about that. They had 12 points in the Third Division and are now dropping down. Ellie is returning from her ACL surgery and can already squat more than 95% of the division (seriously, it’s more than 200 pounds and Hicks, Pete G. and I are super proud of her). However I don’t actually have high hopes for these losers, as they graciously invited me into their Survivor 49 pool and my niece and I smoked them all. But I am offering my winnings to buy them a pitcher of beer as I really do like them all, even/especially Cat.

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Moby Dekes

It was a rough off-season for the Dekes. Retirement took Zach and Diane. Karly, Zuck and Berkowitz left for other teams in the division and Mr. Grumpy himself, Kirky, is threatening to become a Free Agent, in hopes the Rehabs take him back. Sadly, no one told Kirky the Rehabs disbanded like 5 years ago. 

But all is not lost. They brought back former Gut Rotter Ramon S. and Murad L. from D5, so I would expect them to have good attendance which is half the battle. DGDR is the most beloved man in the league and while he may not win the Vezina, you know there’s a dog in that net and teams tend to fight hard when they know their goalie is.  

What The Puck

What the Puck turns 25 this year and their captain, Susie, wants to celebrate this franchise achievement. They have a rich history as they won the 2006 Championship and lost in the finals in 2009 and 2011. 

Unfortunately those days seem a lifetime ago, and this year they will have some big holes to fill as their top goal scorer Tyler is moving to Canada, and perhaps their best player Cole has moved to Chicago and part-time status. While this may worry some, Justin M. and Susie are as cool as the other side of the pillow. Justin says, “We picked up two ladies, added a sub and added two more guys that I don’t know who the hell they are. We picked up strays.”  Susie says these players are far from strays. “We added Jonathan G. who plays in the NABL as well as a few friends of Evan who was one of our top scorers.” 

While I don’t see them reliving the Corey Winters glory days, if these players are young, competitive and skilled, there’s no reason that they can’t surprise a few folks.

Butchers

The Butchers did not reply to my message so I don’t know how their off-season is going, other than Michigan girl Taylor is on the FA list. Hopefully Micah will not join her as he led them with 11 goals. Perhaps the most concerning stat for the Butchers is Chadwick’s attendance. For the first time since he left the Elves it was good…which is rough news for our maroon friends. 

Predictions:

I’m buying the hype. I expect the Riots to come in first, the Rainbows to come in second, Dekes in third, WTP in fourth, and the Butchers 5^th. 

We are excited to kick off the 2026 BTSH season with our free agent scrimmages. Looking to join BTSH? Simply sign up as a free agent and report to the courts.

When: Sunday, March 22nd and Sunday, March 29th at 1 pm

Where: Tompkins Square Park (10th and Ave A)

Free agents are welcome to join us for either game (or both). It’s a great opportunity to get out in the sun and play some hockey! Plus, there will be various other BTSH members there and it’s a great opportunity to meet some people and potentially join a team for the 2026 season!

We are asking everyone to bring one dark shirt and one white shirt. Please bring equipment appropriate for ball hockey –  A hockey stick and athletic shoes are required, gloves are recommended, and face protection/helmets or shin pads are optional. If you need to borrow a stick, it’s possible that someone will be able to lend one at the courts but we can’t make any promises. 

Have any questions! Reach out to us at commissioner@btsh.org.

This is a must win. 

On October 31, 2025, I found an old email and hit reply all. The email was to the 2010 BTSH Champions, Happy Little Elves. I said “happy 15-year-anniversary” to my teammates for life and we had a fun email exchange. Had we lost to the Hookers on October 31, 2010 in the championship game, I would have never spoken to the majority of those people again. 

Simply put, the BTSH Championship has the potential to bond teammates forever. There is a camaraderie I have when I see Jerome or Ben Chadwick, and several Fuzz teammates that I don’t have with players I never won with, or won with in a different league.

 You won’t get that in your Zog soccer league. This is why this is a must win for all four teams still remaining. 

The Last of the Elites: Poutine Machine

Going into the playoffs, perhaps the season, I thought Poutine had it all. I know first hand how great of a two-way player Jo Robin is. I know how great of a scorer Sam Gelman is…and all the guys I don’t know are extremely talented. Mikey has done an amazing job assimilating top talent. Rose is a top 10 woman in the league, and all of the rest of the women are solid as well. Lil Mel was probably one of Fuzz’s best players this year. And Jeff in net is solid (editor’s note: understatement of the year). While they played a terrible first round game vs. the Lbs, in the end, they advanced. They beat my pick to win it all , Mega, and for me, this is now the team to beat. During Poaching Season, they stole from Fuzz and the Lbs, (which I would have done if I were them so no hard feelings), but anything but sipping out of the PBR Cup is a huge letdown. 

 The Kids Are Alright: Fresh Kills and Rens

Both these teams are so young, they prob don’t get the reference and think “The Kids Are Alright” (editor’s note: I originally thought Glanzer was referring to The Offspring but then realized he meant The Who, thereby preserving his status as League Boomer) is a dig. But while they are deprived of the knowledge of one of the best songs of all time, they have their youth. Honestly, they win that trade.

Let’s start with Fresh Kills.

I really don’t know these guys at all. This is the one team Fuzz actually beat this year, and all my players were super impressed with them. 

My one memory of them is seeing them all on the sidewalk by the bodega while I was with Hero, and thinking, these kids are so young and look so fast. I bet they are secretly good at hockey. They are.

But not everyone is young. Their OG Ariel has tied for the most championships in league history with 5. Fresh Kills has the most franchise championships with 5. It’s a legacy game for both Ariel and FK. But the real credit goes to their two captains, Cassidy and Hailey. When Fresh Kills got eliminated in 2023, there was simply no commitment. The team almost disbanded, Gabe and that other guy went to Mega, and most of their other best guys quit the league. I can’t believe how quickly they rebuilt this team. Selfishly, I hope Cassidy and Hailey quit Fresh Kills and become GM of the Jets. And I hope Fresh Kills becomes a little more social, since this is a social league. Which brings me to…

The Rens. While we all despise the Rens, I secretly am super jealous of them. Look, I’m old and crabby and I admittedly cringe at all the, “Look at me” celebrations after goals and wins. It’s not my style. But my style is not nearly as fun as theirs. They play hard and party harder. I personally would prefer it the other way around, but partying hard is what this league was built on. They are one of the few teams who would actually fit in, in 2000.

When a team wins the PBR Cup, they generally will celebrate one or two times in the off-season with it, and then hopefully return it before the playoffs. But if the Rens win it…OMG we will hate them forever. But honestly, that’s our problem not theirs. I remember in 2010, we were beating the Hookers 3-0 in the final, and someone from the Heckle Wall (RIP Heckle Wall) said, “C’mon Hookers, if Glanzer wins he will never shut up about it.” It’s 15 years later…that man was right. So a big part of me hopes Yehuda and Unc win this and get the joy that I had in 2010. I love those guys. Pause. And they are good enough to do it. We all know Emma and Ryan are great players, but the key to victory for them is running as hard as Fresh Kills, and harder than Poutine and Cobra Kai. Sophia is so solid in net, and if they win, maybe AKP will stop complaining every second to the refs. So good luck Rens, shove it to the rest of us who wish we were in your spot.

Ol’ Reliable: Cobra Kai

I am super impressed with Cobra Kai. Since their inception in like 2006, they’ve had three players who had any offensive talent. Liam, who didn’t make six games this season, Mike T. who played half a season last year and came back home where he belongs, and now Maddy. And honestly, they aren’t even great positionally. Outside of Fazio, only Olivier knows where to be, but he’s too old and slow to actually be there. (editor’s note: Tom McGuire had 14 goals in 10 games while committing to defense and continues to be underrated.)

Yet every year they make the semis and sometimes even the finals. As someone who has battled them countless times, it’s the team I respect the most in the league. Much like Poutine, all their games end up 2-1 (editor’s note: Poutine did not play in a single 2-1 game this season), and usually they are the ones with the twos. But after so many semis and finals appearances, it’s time they win one of these. I’m tired of hearing about the Squirrels’ 7 championships over More Tooth. Win this one. 

Lastly, I’ll say this. It takes years to bond as a team, but winning buys you years. Sure, some players won’t really care and treat this championship as a fun Sunday they had one November day. And that’s fine too. But I guarantee if the Rens win this…Tommy is going to send out a Whats App (because he’ll be old in 2040 and not with the new technology) and talk about the good ol’ days. 

You four teams are living in them. Make it count. It’s a must win. 

Editor’s note: This essay was submitted by Fuzz captain Rich Glanzer. The text has been lightly edited to make it more readable but with some grammar errors intentionally left in to preserve the character of the essay. Chat GPT was not used in the drafting of this essay, largely because Rich Glanzer does not know how to log on to Chat GPT.

2:15 PM Vertz vs Cobra Kai (West)
The Vertz have a juggernaut offense led by a number of former college hockey players whom I can only assume Brian Hicks recruited with the same energy as White Goodman in Dodgeball. That being said, the heart of this team remains with long-time ball hockey degenerates; Brian and Sarah, Russo, Ramy, Minsky, etc [eds note., Minsky out this week]. This team moves the puck in five-player units better than any other BTSH team. There have been a number of times this season where the Vertz absolutely bullied some really good teams, scoring goals in bunches.

Cobra Kai are an experienced team with number of players with strong work ethics and high-end hockey IQs. I think Tom McGuire is BTSH’s Patrice Bergeron because his all-around game is unflappable. The Cobra Kai f/nb players are all really hard-working and have the capacity to score a timely goal. Without knowing whether Sonj or Campbell is slated to start in goal, both are technically and mentally strong net minders who won’t be fazed by the Vertz’s weapons.

These two teams played a tight game back in May. If the Vertz get an early lead then Cobra Kai could be in trouble as they’re forced to start taking risks, but in a tight, low-scoring matchup Cobra Kai may have the temerity and discipline to pull through. -Herman


3:30 PM Renaissance vs Denim Demons (West)
Two fun squads; one, a group of close friends that do basically everything together, and the other, a rather eclectic mix of old timers with some free agent recruits sprinkled in.

It’s hard not to credit GM Adam Herman with this year’s ascent to the top of division four thanks to an under-the-radar offseason for the ages and some nifty coaching throughout the year. But the Rens are a darn good team, both deep and well rounded. The Demons did have the edge in the one meeting this season by a score of 6-2, but playoffs are playoffs. Sure the Rens barely outed the Fighters last week, but I’m unsure the Demons will be a tougher opponent than the quietly underrated Sky Fighters.

That all being said, the dangerous combination of elite team chemistry and Halloween weekend debauchery could cause some issues for the Renaissance come Sunday morning, but alas I’m sticking with the Rens (sorry Herman), though this will likely be a close game once again. -Minsky


2:15 PM Poutine Machine vs Mega Touch (East)
Poutine Machine eked one out last week in the shootout against the Lbs in a game slightly closer than most predicted, while Mega Touch bested the Dark Rainbows 4-1 in a game probably also closer than most predicted.

These were our top two ranked teams in the preseason preview, and for a reason- they are each quite stacked. Both teams have offensive firepower, oodles of depth, strong ladies, and solid goaltending. While Mega have the better women, and came out on top a few weeks ago, the Machines might posses the edge in net, and much of the playoffs come down to goaltending.

I can easily see this game go either way, and it will certainly be an elite eight matchup they’ll be recounting for generations to come, but gun to my head, I’d take Poutine by mere centimeters. -Minsky


3:30 PM Fresh Kills vs Instant Karma (East)
It’s a matchup between what I believe are the two underestimated teams in BTSH. Fresh Kills have a deep roster with solid communal offense and a number of players who battle hard to protect their net front and tilt the court in their favor. The offseason addition of Sebbi Foster has proven massive, as he has the skill on the ball to individually turn a stalemate into a win.

Instant Karma, meanwhile, feature what I believe is the league’s most underrated duo in Sean Clarke and Alexander Vukasin. Clarke brings electric north-south speed while Vukasin is pure muscle and is a threat to muscle his way to the net or rip a shot from distance. Kev McKinlay is also the type of defenseman who has the endurance to withstand a lengthy playoff battle and take advantage of tired teams late in close games.

According to league sources, Instant Karma are expected to be without the services of multiple key players, including Goaltender of the Year candidate Steve Friedman. Attendance could end up being the determining factor in this matchup. -Herman

-BTSH Media Team
All rankings and blurbs are the opinions of the writers and do not reflect the endorsement of the league’s leadership (even if they are written by individual members of the league’s leadership).