btsh.org

From left to right: Dustin Olson (Heel), David Liang (Face), Rich Glanzer (Heel captain), Steve Accardo (Heel), and Patrick Barch (Face)

We’re still waiting on all-star “skater” selections from several teams throughout the league, but at this time, we can confirm the goalies for your 2014 Face and Heel all-star teams:

Faces

Patrick Barch (Fresh Kills) – Patrick’s Fresh Kills currently leads the league in goals allowed, and he has won five games in net for them.  Once Patrick found out he would be goaltending in the all-star game, we asked him whether he should play for the faces or heels.  He responded, “Dude, what the fuck does that even mean?  I saw Sarah Moore at a bar the other day, and she said something about faces and heels.”  After we explained the terms to the confused netminder, Patrick exclaimed, “Ooooohhhhh, I’m clearly a good guy!”  Yes you are, Patrick.  Yes you are.

David Liang (Mathematics) – David’s Mathematics are currently in first in the Glanzer Division.  The team has yielded just 19 goals this season with David between the pipes for five of their wins.  David, a rookie, was very humble upon hearing of his all-star recognition.  He noted, “I appreciate the team defense for keeping our GPA low.”  We should point out here that the Math defense is led by the trio of Roxanne Gaudiel, Justin Perras, and Derek Tagliarino, who all graduated from their respective universities with honors, so we’re not really sure what David is talking about.

Heels

Steve Accardo (Happy Little Elves) – The Happy Little Elves are the top team in the $h0wT!m3 Division, due in large part to Steve and the defense only allowing a league-best 16 goals this season.  In addition, Steve also leads the league with eight wins.  However, other that a few statistics, very little is known about the Elves’ taciturn rookie.  What we can say is that although he is appreciative of being selected to the all-star game, he did state for the record, “I play for honor, pride, and a love for the game…and the $2 High Lifes at Ace.”

Dustin Olson (Corlears Hookers) – It may surprise you to learn this, but this is actually Dustin’s first all-star game.  Despite the Hookers’ dominance over the past few seasons, Dustin has always been overlooked in lieu of flashier and more flamboyant keepers.  Nevertheless, Dustin is the backbone of the defending champions, who have only yielded 17 goals this season and lead BTSH’s top division.  Clearly excited about the selection, Dustin remarked, “My first all-star game, so I guess I shouldn’t turn it down.  I’ll be there.”  Try to contain your enthusiasm, Dusty.