btsh.org

By Glnzr

And we’re back!! This week’s dank-ass, memed-out previews are brought to you by Glnzr. Glnzr would also like to let the good people of BTSH know that two of the below memes are not his. And I would like the good people of BTSH to know Glnzr had to Google “Popular Memes”. Without further ado…Glnzr’s Memes.

Hookers at Cobra Kai

Prediction: Cobra Kai, 5-2

Lbs. at Rehabs

Prediction: Rehabs, 3-2 (OT)

Riots at Poutine Machine

Prediction: Poutine, 6-0. Jack debates on playing in goal but stays on the court.

Filthier at Fresh Kills

Prediction: Fresh Kills, 5-0 (4-1 if Ann didn’t leave yet) 

Instant Karma at Mega Touch 

Prediction: Instant Karma, 5-3

Dark Rainbows at Skyfighters

Prediction: Skyfighters, 4-1

Gremlins at Fuzz

Prediction: Gremlins, 5-4. Walker -4

Anklebiters at Rotten Math

Prediction, Anklebiters 5-0

WTP at Butchers

Prediction: WTP, 2-1 OT. Mass confusion.

Instant Karma at Demons

Prediction: Demons, 5-3

By christo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

What’s that? No games this week? That means it’s time for….FILLER CONTENT. Which firework each BTSH team is and why. Please leave all complaints by tagging Russo. 

Firecrackers. These are The Hookers. Easy to light up (kind of like how Fuzz lit them up 8-1 last week) and tend to make a lot of noise (kind of like Lee). There’s so many different kinds that range from playful to deadly (like the M-80)—just like playing this team, have fun but watch out.

Smoke bombs- Fuzz are smoke bombs because they’re the only Suffolk County Police Department approved 4th of July “firework” (besides sparklers). Always fun to make a ton of smoke, but once it clears, you’re left standing going, “Now what?” I have it on good authority that smoke bombs are Hero’s preferred lack of fireworks anyways.

Novelty fireworks– There isn’t one type of novelty firework—they come in all shapes and sizes. Which is fitting for Lbs., because with a roster of 37 in 2019, they too came in all shapes and sizes. 

Fountains– MEGA TOUCH! Because if you Mega Touch a firework, your fingers are going bye-bye. Also, being one of the older teams age-wise in BTSH, Mega Touch must’ve found the FOUNTAIN of youth to continue to battle it out every week in close games. Bum dum tss.   

Ground Spinners- A unique firework that stays on the ground and shoots sparks in a circular motion, Rehabs get this one for their O-zone passing. Easy to tire opposing teams out when you’re able to move the ball around the horn like they can. 

Sparklers Gonna give this to the Rainbows. They’re fun, a fan favorite, and can burn you if you’re not totally careful. Also, no offense, but the team is getting a little OLD so the nostalgia of sparklers pairs nicely with the aging dudes on the team. Also this is Jess so you can’t get mad at me for saying it guys. 

Poppers- The Demons. These things scare the shit out of me and people 1000% still use them to throw at each other like assholes. I don’t even consider these fireworks, just incredibly effective torture devices.

Roman Candles– It’s advised you avoid holding these while shooting them but we all know there’s plenty of dumbasses who only want to hold them and shoot them because iTs MoRe FuN tHaT wAy. And those dumbasses are Poutine.

Bottle Rockets- Bottle rockets are like a scarier version of roman candles. So it makes sense this goes to Fresh Kills, a scarier team with more Canadians than Poutine. Much like FK, bottle rockets are incredibly dangerous. And much like the FK Canadians once their green cards get checked by an anonymous caller, they’re also banned in several states.

Parachutes There are multiple ‘fun’ and ‘safe’ fireworks in this lineup but I’m going to give this one to the Gremlins because the esteemed fireworks article I read said these were also ‘boring’ and…has anyone ever heard Walker drone on about a movie from the 80s? Salt boys and crew luckily make up for it and add to the ‘fun’ part. 

Aerial Repeaters– Sky Fighters. Not only for the name, but these fireworks are a fun bundle of multiple, smaller fireworks that pack a punch (kind of like Emily). A backyard crowd favorite that usually makes for a good time. 

Peony When people think of fireworks they usually picture a Peony, the convention big ass firework. Peonies are a crowd pleaser and usually get it done, much like Filthier. No frills but a big display of power.

Girandola What the Puck is a Girandola? These firework names are getting ridiculous. Girandolas spin up in the sky leaving a long trail in their wake. Just like WTP’s fast and cut-throat rise towards the upper divisions these past few seasons.

Chrysanthemum- A beautiful firework with a big bang, faded trails, and unique burst patterns, it sounds just like Riots. They embody all the ubiquitousness Tompkins has to offer, with skilled players, wily vets, and drink-you-under-the-table wildcards. Beautiful to watch, hard to replicate.

Flying Fish- Sounds like a Karate Move so Cobra Kai is “The Flying Fish”. These fireworks have colorful stars and resemble swarm-like movements of fish in the water. And the always colorful Russ would like everyone to know Liam had a hat trick in Week 1. 

The Willow- The Willow resembles the long limbs and canopy of a Willow tree, which ALSO resembles the lucious flow of Stephen and Derek’s hair. Instant Karma are…The Willow. 

Comet- Anklebiters are the Comet because they’re out of this world!!! (I’ll show myself out.) But also, Probie is fast. Ta-Daaaa!!  

Crosette- With a Crosette, you get the best of two fireworks—the Peony and the Comet. And with Rotten Math, you get the best of two teams! Once Rotten Math has a chance to vibe with their new teammates, look for them to light it up like a Crosette.

Skyrocket- All of these firework names sound like they could be for Skyfighters. However, Skyrockets are so obviously the Butchers. Noted as a ‘great choice if you want to build up to a bigger display’, The Butchers always seem to build as the season progresses, being most dangerous in their final(s) form.

By Glnzr

In Week 2 Cat gave 3 stars to a most likely drunk train conductor, Probie and Charlotte who got engaged several weeks prior, and Ben Chadwick because he was on an email exchange with Cat. Not to name drop, but I’m on a text chain with Probie and he alerted us of his engagement. It happened prior to Week 1 of the BTSH Season, the week I did the stars! So sadly, I’m negating Charlotte and his Week 2 Star because the event had already happened. Nice try Cat. 

***Tadpole Jack 

The 3rd star was a battle between Jack and his gf Annie. True story, when deciding between who I’d give the 3rd Star to, I had forgotten they were dating. It brings me so much joy to only give one of them stars, not both. This has to kiiiiiiiiill Cat. I hate love! 
Each made a strong case. Jack never played net in BTSH before and beat the mighty Rehabs. Annie torched the Zisser and the Lbs. in a shootout, which made me happy because she beat my team with the Lbs. in a shootout in Week 1. In the end, I felt Annie was a little more deserving, but Jack watched Hero while I played, so he gets the star. There will be no draining of the swamp when I’m doing the stars. 

**Coach/Dan Hopper/Edge

Dan Hopper and Coach have had legendary careers…with much different arcs yet sorta intertwined. jA young Hopper won the PBR Cup in 2009 with the Sky Fighters and remained with the team until he left after their semi-final loss on November 1, 2015. That evening, Dan joined the coveted BTSH HOF. Heart-broken over his loss, but overcome with pride over his induction, Hopper moved to Calif, realizing he’s accomplished all he can do in NY. Or maybe he left bc of his job or a girl. How the hell should I know?

Joining Hopper in the HOF on Nov. 1, 2015 was Coach. He had an amazing career with the Demons, going from player to emergency goalie to one of the leagues all-time best goalie, but not better than Craig, according to Craig. But on that fateful night, Coach also decided to leave, but he did not head west like Hopper, he went around 45.1 miles to Babylon and joined Fuzz. It took him 3 years, but in the end, he got his PBR Cup and went out on top. Like a drug, much like Edge, they all came back and now Coach has been reduced to Tim Brown’s whims and is Fuzz’s emergency goalie. Welcome back legends!

* Emily

Let’s face it, the Sky Fighters have been disrespected. First Hicks and Herr give them a bye on Week 1, and then in Week 2 Hicks tries to cancel their game due to Rain Fears over a passing drizzle. When was the last time the Media even mentioned a Sky Fighter? (The answer is literally the last paragraph) Emily had enough, and the Riots had too much of Emily. Emily scored 2 goals…striking a blow to every frat boy in NYC who dares challenges her to pushups at a bar. Russo/Jess, unless you want to be humiliated at center court by Emily’s freak pushup skills, I suggest you focus more on the Sky Fighters and less on Liam and his 3 goals he had in Week 1. 

Participation Awards: Russ wasn’t at the Cobra Kai game so we’ll never know who played well. 

By christo_the_hawk

HAPPY PRIDE and happy week 3 of hockey! The day was hot and the hockey was good.

The Dojo, despite dealing with some copyright infringement from the real Cobra Kai franchise, edged the Biters 2-1. LJ says no comment on the pending Netflix lawsuit and it is most definitely Russ’ fault.

Sky Fighters beat Riots 9-3 and I can finally use the below tried and true BTSH meme. Also captain Emily (who notched 2 goals herself) said, “We wanted to score a lot so we’d get better write ups.”

Newcomer Blake scored the GWG for Filthy to take down the Knife Pigs 2-1 after a tight game.

Poutine barely held onto their lead over Mega and won 3-2 thanks to the power trifecta of Jo, Mikey, and Sully.

Hookers used a brand-new-to-street-hockey goalie who was a former ice hockey goalie and Fuzz took advantage, winning 8-1 or “a lot to a little” as an anonymous Hooker informed me.

A back and forth game between Karma and the Rainbows, a sick diving goal from Sarah that started it all, and Karma coming out on top 5-4.

WTP struck early and often, and were up 3-0 but Roberts and the Lbs came from behind in typical fashion tying it up and sending into overtime. OT went to shootouts and Annie who so viciously scored the game winner for the Lbs in their shootout against Fuzz in week 1 returned the favor this time. Oh how the turn tables.

Colby Kills took down the Rehabs 5-3. Jack had quite the performance in goal for FK and Campbell was in net for the ‘habs. As yet another anonymous source said to me, “I’ll be making an anonymous call into the government to check green cards on the FK Canadians. They’re very good.”

And finally, what better way to close out the day with a Demons win (said no one ever- jk please don’t be mad at me again, Rubens). Math Rot had a strong performance but was no match for the Russian Rage that is Gene who netted the OT goal, 4-3.

See you all in 2 weeks!

By Stoop Dogg

Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good day! It’s your friendly neighborhood Stoop Dogg coming at you live from a little studio, ready, willing and able to bring you this weeks game previews. Having been on a year+ hiatus, howling at the moon, sniffing other stoops, etc. I am shooting totally blind to what teams look like in this Post-Cov-pocalyptic World. 

Cobra Kai vs. Gauging Anklebiters: 

I assume since Cobra Kai was a pretty young, NY based skwad, they’re about the same as they always were – fast, physical, and a bit mouthy. Anklebiters had already taken some serious hits to their roster pre-Covid but they were never a team to sneeze at with their poise and Probert’s speed and hands. 2-1 Anklebiters after a nail-biting round of OT. 

Mega Touch vs. Poutine Machine

Poutine Machine likely is returning with their standard roster of questionable morals but obnoxiously good players – they picked up Jack aka Cobra aka Mr. Beerbong and have always had a strong lady presence with Charlotte leading the charge. When you touch, you touch Mega – always a sneaky underdogg (so obvi huge fan here) bamboozling the more “skilled” teams who take them lightly – they got real busy in the off season, but likely in good shape chasing all their spawn around. 6-3 Poutine (but Mega, please, surprise us!)

Dark Rainbows vs. Instant Karma

Between these two teams, it’s not really a battle of hockey, it’s a battle of who can be nicer. Both teams who have done some serious rebuilding haven’t rebranded (and thank all the bones in heaven for that). Two quality fast teams, between Jess D’s speed and Derek’s biceps – going to give 3-2 Karma, but they will apologize afterwards and give you some beers.

Rehabs vs. Fresh Kills

Now this is a match up that will be very fun to watch, two great teams w/ serious sets of Lady Players. Rehabs are a POWER. Lady. Team. And I LIVE FOR IT! You’ve got Cherie with hands like butter and that absolute clap daddy (talk about clapping all night…the rest of the lyric is inappropriate), Sena and Carlin, power duo on and off the courts, defending the net, the blonde beauty Moe dangling, sniping, and cellying on the front lines, and let’s not forget Michelle, who is the ultimate lady, out on IR, carrying a potential future rehab bebe? Oh, and the Rehab doods are pretty good too. Fresh Kills is similar in that their guys are pretty good, but more background tot he center stage ladies (or at least that was the case?) Last I checked they had Rachel Solgon, Meg Fortier, Roxy Gaudiel, and at least one other who are highly skilled and forces to be reckoned with. Anyhoo, gotta go with Rehabs 4, Freshkills 3. 

Rotten Math vs. Denim Demons

Demons, I assume you guys are pretty much the same? Jenny-P captaining w/ two other great ladies, Miss Tracy and Sami Litt. They always had pretty highly skilled guys, with Miles, Gene, Mr. Sami Litt (I mean DRO), and a host of others. Rotten Math, everybody’s favorite combo meal, is tenacious, a little on the elderly side, but ridiculously smart which often plays to their advantage – also they have a pretty dope goalie. Assuming the Demons can keep their penalty count low, it’ll be a frustrating 5-3 loss in favor of the Double D’s.

Skyfighters vs. Riots

Riots have always been very proud of being super smart (which 100% something to be proud of) and Skyfighters wear blue and have a very respectful captain. They’re both teams of well adjusted adults with some solid, good athletes. Riots won’t go easily, but the Skyfighters will win out in the end, going with 4-2 Skyfighters.

Filthier vs. Butchers

The Butchers lost some players to marriage, pregnancy, and other teams, but they’re still just as scrappy as they’ve always been – don’t underestimate them, their captain’s friendly demeanor is just a facade. Filthier is a power house that isn’t to be underestimate though, especially if they still have James moving the ball up court and Anne hanging behind enemy lines ready to tap rebounds in. It’ll be close, but of a nail biter, but thinking filthier pulls it out with a 4-1 win. 

Fuzz vs. Corealers Hookers

What do you get when you get two skilled teams and one man named Lee? An exciting game… except when Lee is on the court (jkjkjk). Fuzz had a good crew, hopefully not too mouthy a Hookers have a pretty good roster, with some pretty high caliber ladies in addition to their strong male-identifying contingent. Close game but 3-2 Hookers. Fuzz, be prepared to pay up – we only take cash. 

Lbs vs. What the Puck

White  vs light orange, sweet vs citrus… whatever you get the picture. Lbs is likely your usual high caliber team captained by Frey and WTP is your wonderfully fun loving team of Emily Moore, Suzy, and Hogg. Bottom line, Lbs is usually stacked with string D and WTO usually is stacked in great personality, we always hope good hearted wins out, but unfortunately a deep bench of skill probably will… 5-1 Lbs.