btsh.org

by Glnzr

I wanted to give the Three Stars to James, Ann and Sena…three BTSH greats playing their last games this Sunday (though everyone always comes back). Unfortunately, a historic performance, a classy gesture and a Mafia like strong arm tactic makes all 3 leave in tears, with at best a Participation Trophy. Scroll to the bottom to see if they got it!
Third Star: Friedman 

In my early 20s, I drove a coffee truck. A guy would give me like $50 worth of magazines, for his $5 worth of food. I’m sure he got the magazines for free, and I resold the magazines and kept the profits. Life was good. One day this random stranger comes up to me and says, “Stop selling the magazines.” I didn’t know who he was, but I figured he knew something I didn’t, so out of sheer cowardice I stopped my money laundering profit making magazine sales. 

This brings me to Friedman, who gets a star, not for his gameplay, but for him strong arming the media into only giving Karma players stars. Now, I’m much older and while still a coward, I’d rather Friedman chop off my knees than go back to giving women stars for crushing the Lbs., a over the hill hasbeen like Isaac for, “playing an insane defensive game” or give some dude named Kevin love for making a nice pass and a “heavy shot” that let’s be honest, was definitely above his waist. Do what you will to me for not following orders, but if you so much touch Hero, you’ll get these hands. 

Second Star: The Dave’s and Giuseppi

Dave GDR has quit the Riots. Much like the Giuseppi Logan, the great Tompkins Square Park saxophonist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E99hQ-FdFE) Dave still comes to the rink, looking to play. Greenwald told Dave he could play the first half, and God himself…who are we kidding, Giuseppi, rewarded the Dave’s with a shutout. Extremely classy move Greenwald. This is what BTSH is all about. That and winning. (Oh, and mandatory Dave GDR is the most underrated BTSH goalie of all time.) 

First Star: Dana Sky Fighters

Dana scored a natural hat trick for the Sky Fighters. Do you know how I know? Because literally every Sky Fighter emailed, texted, Facebook Messaged or What’s Apped me. I asked Emily for a quote and she said, “After leading the sky fighters in goals in 2019 Dana has quickly gotten back to her scoring form (a team leading 5 goals in just three games) by putting in a hat trick.” I’ve never been so disappointed in Emily in my life. That’s the quote? Did she get that from Dana’s Wikipedia? (Sadly, after a very brief search it appears Dana has not made Wikipedia, but she did graduate from Cornell as did Andrew Bernard, or Drew as he likes to be called). Anyways Dana, great game, congrats on the first star, and please never score again! My data rates went through the roof. 

Participation Trophies:

Mike T. Fuzz. He had five goals, that’s 2 more than 3 which is the most Liam has ever scored this season. 

Tim K. Though he’s not as good a goalie as Campbell, he did get a shutout. 

Chadwick: I debated about giving him the 3rd Star for his two goals for the Butchers in a 3-2 win. Guy has more goals than games played this year. 

Cat (Rainbows) I asked Jess about her game and she said Cat played really well. So I’m going to be the bigger person and despite our heated rivalry, give her a Participation Trophy.She’s going to be so pissed I’m more gracious than her, it’s going to kiiiiill her!

Sorry Sena, Ann, James, Hicks is already going to mock me for all these participation trophies. Safe travels my friends. 

Butchers beat Riots 3-2

The patriarchy won and fuzz beat rehabs 5-2

Lbs fell to karma 2-3 and “Derek didn’t score at all” – an anonymous female karma player

An initially tight game opened up for FK who bested the biters 7-4

Dana had a hat trick that propelled the sky fighters to a 3-1 win over Gut Math

Poutine beat the Demons 3-0 and SBJ notched 2 goals his first game back

Filthier beat the Hookers 4-0

The dojo had shining star Campbell back and Liam probably didn’t score a hat trick, beating Mega 5-1

Gremlins and Rainbows battled it out in a 1-0 victory for the bows in regulation

by Ash K

Dingle’s 90’s themed around the league struck a chord of nostalgia so this week’s previews are all about the original 151 Pokemon. 

Butchers vs Riots

The Butchers are clearly Marowak. Adorable but deadly, just like Akhil! The Riots, true to their Tompkins heritage, will be the most hawk-like pokemon, Pidgeot. In a typical fight, Marowak beats Pidgeot and the Butchers beat the Riots 4-0.

Fuzz vs Rehabs

Rehabs are Nidoqueen, need I say more? Yasss (Nido)queens. Fuzz is Graveler because, well, look at him!!! Nidoqueens are more agile than a buff pile of rocks (no offense, Rich). Rehabs win 3-0. 

Lbs vs Karma

Gonna give Karma Raichu. Not a third evolution but the only evolution for pikachu and still pretty powerful. LBS is Mew Two because they’ve lost two finals (heheheh). Mew Two still beats most pokemon (except for Ash’s pikachu but that’s a whole other story) so Lbs eeke by 3-2.

Ankle Biters vs Fresh Kills

With 4 arms, Machamp is probably a lean, mean, goal scoring machine—just like the current FK team. Also just looks absolutely terrifying in general. Raticate, the evolved form of Rattata, are the Ankle Biters not only for its obvious penchant to bite, but due to its scrappy nature and being the 20th pokemon in the pokedex (kinda like how Phil has been in the league for so long). FK wins it 4-0 (one for each arm). 

Rotten Math vs Sky Fighters

I’m not going to take the easy way out and give Sky Fighters an arial Pokemon. No, they are Wartortle and they will fuck you up. Also look at that calculating grin and tell me that’s not Emily. I can’t put my finger on why but Math Rot gives off big Mr Mime energy. Weird, agile, just crazy enough to sometimes pull off a successful attack. A strange matchup that makes for an interesting battle but Wartortle is on the warpath and Sky Fighters win 4-2.

Filthier vs Hookers

Filthy is Persian (the evolved form of Meowth) and the terrifying personal Pokemon of Giovanni, the head honcho of Team Rocket—needless to say this big cat means business. Hookers are Zubat mostly because it appears a lot of their dudes have a big wingspan. A giant, merciless cat chomps on a pesky bat any day. Filthy 2-0. 

Demons vs Poutine

Poutine is Poliwrath and Demons are Tentacruel. These high level water-type pokemon are gonna cause quite the clash. And this hot headed matchup is gonna cause some tempers to flare on both sides. Lots of cheap shots, 3-3 tie, and Poutine prevails in OT. 

Cobra Kai vs Mega Touch

Now that I’ve gotten to the end of this writeup I’m fairly certain I did this themed preview a few years back but I’m just gonna keep going because hopefully there’s no evidence of it on the old site. The dojo is Arbok for obvious snake-induced reasons. Mega is Butterfree—looks non threatening but will fuck you up. (Editor’s note: I have a fear of butterflies thanks to an incident at the zoo when I was 6). Tight game but Cobra Snakes get the W 3-2. 

Gremlins vs Dark Rainbows

Alright so Rainbows are clearly Wigglytuff and Gremlins are Kadabra. Fairy vs Psychic is an interesting matchup but Psychic just might prevail in the final moments of battle. 4-3 Gremlins win.  

Bonus: WTP is Dragonite. A more adorable version of charizard imho. Still dangerous tho. 

by Glnzr

This Sunday, we say goodbye to two of our greatest people, Ann and James. James started BTSH in 2004, and probably is either first or second (next to Karstan) in goals in BTSH history. Suvin and James are probably the best pair to ever play in this league.

 But after 17-years…we’ve said all there is to say about James, and given him all the stars. Unlike non-HOFers like Liam, when James P. gets a hat trick, he gets a star.

And boy did he get one when he married Ann. There is no bigger star in this league than Ann. Ann met James in 2013 and quickly fell in love….with hockey. In 2015, Ann joined Filthier full time and in her first season, won the BTSH Championship. In 2016 Ann decided she wanted to run the NYC Marathon. Unfortunately, thanks to two rainouts, the semis/championship game had to be moved to the NYC Marathon. Through constant harassment that included subtle threats at first, to death threats of Hero, she was able to get the semis/finals moved to the week after the Marathon, where I can only assume Ann won.

Sadly, Ann’s winnings ended at Filthier and presumably the 2016 NYC Marathon. She saw one Islanders game with James and for some reason was hooked…not on the Penguins but the Islanders. Her love was pure, and it was instant. James says, “When we first met the Islanders were in the playoffs and she would watch the games with me. After explaining offsides rules (20+ times), line changes, etc. she quickly fell in love with the end to end action.” During the pandemic, Ann could be seen with James, either on the little TV’s that the networks put for their most rabid fans, or at the Coliseum cheering them Long Island losers on. I mean let’s be real, outside of Gil, there’s not a lot of good hockey being played in LI.

James has provided fun facts about Ann. I’ll include some of my own. Let’s do bulletpoints bc they are fun!

·         Her goal is to be the GM or 4^th line player/coach for the Islanders.

·         She cannot stand when the refs or lineseman don’t pick up the broken sticks on the ice (and I agree…I don’t get this at all?!?! Are they lazy?)

·         Ann joined the Beasts in Feasterville, and when they played the other BTSH team the Shortis in the finals, Ann had one of the best games she’s ever played. Here is a picture. The people circled are the best people. 

I’ll end with this. Ann Mathews is exactly what BTSH is supposed to be about. She’s passionate about the hockey, made life-long friends and put a smile on everyone’s face that she encountered. Safe travels James and Ann, we will miss you. 

by cat

The problem with being BTSH’s favorite 3 stars writer is the burden. Like, ok, being better liked than Rich? Low bar. Being funnier? Also low bar. Being cuter and better at hockey than Rich? Ok now I’m just piling on. Writing these quickly enough so that Jess doesn’t yell at me? Nearly impossible!

It was a big game day this past Sunday. Certainly people were crowding the streets not to watch soccer through bar windows, but to watch beer league hockey. We are a month in now and while the Skyfighters are still apparently so new they’re still getting a high sticking whistle every 30 seconds, on the whole each team is really starting to come into their own and we’re seeing how everyone stacks up against one another.

Now we just need to host the BTSH Olympics to figure out who the true competitors are. Apparently weed is now a performance enhancer. Should we be adding drug testing?

Onward!!!

Third Star

Brianna from Karma scored a goal wearing a Mets hat. The one thing Rich and I agree on!!!!

THAT’S BASEBALL BABY!!!!!

Second Star

Giving second star to Mia for not putting up with bullshit and for Marcella for being an ally and distributing DEFENSE badges. As someone who does identify as part of the AAPI community that’s some rad shit.

FIRST STARRRR

After years (perhaps a full decade?) off from BTSH, one of the league’s OG players GG made his return this season on the Butchers. Sunday up against the What the Puck, he was given a proper BTSH welcome aka an errant high ball crash landing into his face. After taking a moment to ice his new shiner, GG got back on the proverbial horse and scored on his next shift.