btsh.org

by Dingle McCringle

No rain, no yelling at refs (mostly) and no shortage of late ’90s/early 2000’s pop music. Shoutout @matkastella

Cobra Kai said No Scrubs allowed and beat the Hookers 3-1 (or 4-1). Few show-up to the 12:30 games to watch, so apologies for not having the exact score. No hat trick for Liam.

Rehabs told Lbs. to “Say my name, say my name” as they beat-up on an undermanned and underwomanned Lbs. team to the tune of 6-2. At least Frey and Hicks could dance it off post-game.

GDR said Bye Bye Bye as Riot’s goalie, but it made no difference to Poutine as they made it Hot in Here putting up a six-spot in the second half to shut out the Riots, 6-0.

Le Colby Kills got jiggy with it and put up yet another six-goal game today against Tim K and Filthier.

In true Livin’ La Vida Loca fashion, Mega Touch pulled off the upset against Instant Karma, winning 3-2 in Karma’s first game of the day.

Rainbows were caught chasing waterfalls against Skyfighters and SF flew like a bird to a 3-1 win. 

Walker didn’t go -4, but the ageless wonder Gil still said U Can’t Touch This, and sniped a beautiful goal for Fuzz’s second of the game.

Craig was a Wonderwall for those pesky Anklebiters as he and the rest of the team blanked Rotten Math 4-0.

Bit of a Bittersweet Symphony for Butchers as they couldn’t pull off the win against WTP. Baby Got Back-to-back wins for WTP. 

…Baby One More Time, is what Karma asked for as they played their second game of the day. This time, they proved victorious against the Demons, 3-1.

Last but not least, Italy beat England in a (lol) shootout, 2-1, leading to Queen Elizabeth “losing her religion” (that one was a stretch). 
And that’s The End of the Road. Dingle out.

by 23 and Mia

It was sickening to hear the hate speech “China Virus” used Week 3 on the West court. To think, one of our own doesn’t give a f*ck that propagating such phrases has proven, profound consequences and that it endangers people one might consider friends. 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Asian American and Pacific Islanders (AAPI) make up about 14% of the population of New York City. While we make up way less than 14% of BTSH, we do exist, and the uptick in AAPI violence is a very real concern. Phrases like “China Virus”, “Kung Flu” and “Wuhan Virus” contribute to an “othering” that puts us —especially those who are female— in very real danger. 

In the U.S. justice system, racist based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, street hockey players who’ve experienced vicious offenses are members of an elite squad. These are their stories:

• I’ve been spit on twice. One of those times, I wasn’t fast enough to dodge, and had to go home with phlegm on my eyebrows, dripping into my eyes and sticking to my mask.

• While volunteering for a grocery service that delivers to senior citizens, a frail, grandfatherly type accepted his delivery with, “This in no way makes up for what YOU PEOPLE have done.”

• A van was trying to beat a yellow light and when I stopped him from doing that, he leaned out the window and called me a “f*ckin chink!”

• In broad daylight, a man twice my size verbally accosted me, yelling in my face for me to go back to my country (I‘m a native New Yorker). Two construction workers had to intervene. I now carry mace.

• I definitely have heightened awareness on the subways. When I’m on the platform, I make sure not to be by the edge so I don’t get pushed in or some sh*t.

• Someone inside a car grabbed my hair and slammed my head against their car window before driving off. 311 said because there’s a chance the person did not see my face it does not count as a hate crime.

• I’ve found myself putting up my hoodie to hide my hair, adjusting my mask to look racially ambiguous and changing the way I move around the world out of caution. There have been too many times I’ve had to stand a little bit taller and in a wider stance to make myself look less vulnerable. All of this sucks and it’s not okay.

All of this sucks. And, it’s not okay. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it should be how dependent humans are on one another for our wellbeing. Hate speech and other discriminatory behavior don’t do much to make a person feel included or respected and they have no place in this league. We just got back together… let’s think about how our words and actions impact each other and keep that sh*t in check.

By Glnzr

And we’re back!! This week’s dank-ass, memed-out previews are brought to you by Glnzr. Glnzr would also like to let the good people of BTSH know that two of the below memes are not his. And I would like the good people of BTSH to know Glnzr had to Google “Popular Memes”. Without further ado…Glnzr’s Memes.

Hookers at Cobra Kai

Prediction: Cobra Kai, 5-2

Lbs. at Rehabs

Prediction: Rehabs, 3-2 (OT)

Riots at Poutine Machine

Prediction: Poutine, 6-0. Jack debates on playing in goal but stays on the court.

Filthier at Fresh Kills

Prediction: Fresh Kills, 5-0 (4-1 if Ann didn’t leave yet) 

Instant Karma at Mega Touch 

Prediction: Instant Karma, 5-3

Dark Rainbows at Skyfighters

Prediction: Skyfighters, 4-1

Gremlins at Fuzz

Prediction: Gremlins, 5-4. Walker -4

Anklebiters at Rotten Math

Prediction, Anklebiters 5-0

WTP at Butchers

Prediction: WTP, 2-1 OT. Mass confusion.

Instant Karma at Demons

Prediction: Demons, 5-3

By christo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

What’s that? No games this week? That means it’s time for….FILLER CONTENT. Which firework each BTSH team is and why. Please leave all complaints by tagging Russo. 

Firecrackers. These are The Hookers. Easy to light up (kind of like how Fuzz lit them up 8-1 last week) and tend to make a lot of noise (kind of like Lee). There’s so many different kinds that range from playful to deadly (like the M-80)—just like playing this team, have fun but watch out.

Smoke bombs- Fuzz are smoke bombs because they’re the only Suffolk County Police Department approved 4th of July “firework” (besides sparklers). Always fun to make a ton of smoke, but once it clears, you’re left standing going, “Now what?” I have it on good authority that smoke bombs are Hero’s preferred lack of fireworks anyways.

Novelty fireworks– There isn’t one type of novelty firework—they come in all shapes and sizes. Which is fitting for Lbs., because with a roster of 37 in 2019, they too came in all shapes and sizes. 

Fountains– MEGA TOUCH! Because if you Mega Touch a firework, your fingers are going bye-bye. Also, being one of the older teams age-wise in BTSH, Mega Touch must’ve found the FOUNTAIN of youth to continue to battle it out every week in close games. Bum dum tss.   

Ground Spinners- A unique firework that stays on the ground and shoots sparks in a circular motion, Rehabs get this one for their O-zone passing. Easy to tire opposing teams out when you’re able to move the ball around the horn like they can. 

Sparklers Gonna give this to the Rainbows. They’re fun, a fan favorite, and can burn you if you’re not totally careful. Also, no offense, but the team is getting a little OLD so the nostalgia of sparklers pairs nicely with the aging dudes on the team. Also this is Jess so you can’t get mad at me for saying it guys. 

Poppers- The Demons. These things scare the shit out of me and people 1000% still use them to throw at each other like assholes. I don’t even consider these fireworks, just incredibly effective torture devices.

Roman Candles– It’s advised you avoid holding these while shooting them but we all know there’s plenty of dumbasses who only want to hold them and shoot them because iTs MoRe FuN tHaT wAy. And those dumbasses are Poutine.

Bottle Rockets- Bottle rockets are like a scarier version of roman candles. So it makes sense this goes to Fresh Kills, a scarier team with more Canadians than Poutine. Much like FK, bottle rockets are incredibly dangerous. And much like the FK Canadians once their green cards get checked by an anonymous caller, they’re also banned in several states.

Parachutes There are multiple ‘fun’ and ‘safe’ fireworks in this lineup but I’m going to give this one to the Gremlins because the esteemed fireworks article I read said these were also ‘boring’ and…has anyone ever heard Walker drone on about a movie from the 80s? Salt boys and crew luckily make up for it and add to the ‘fun’ part. 

Aerial Repeaters– Sky Fighters. Not only for the name, but these fireworks are a fun bundle of multiple, smaller fireworks that pack a punch (kind of like Emily). A backyard crowd favorite that usually makes for a good time. 

Peony When people think of fireworks they usually picture a Peony, the convention big ass firework. Peonies are a crowd pleaser and usually get it done, much like Filthier. No frills but a big display of power.

Girandola What the Puck is a Girandola? These firework names are getting ridiculous. Girandolas spin up in the sky leaving a long trail in their wake. Just like WTP’s fast and cut-throat rise towards the upper divisions these past few seasons.

Chrysanthemum- A beautiful firework with a big bang, faded trails, and unique burst patterns, it sounds just like Riots. They embody all the ubiquitousness Tompkins has to offer, with skilled players, wily vets, and drink-you-under-the-table wildcards. Beautiful to watch, hard to replicate.

Flying Fish- Sounds like a Karate Move so Cobra Kai is “The Flying Fish”. These fireworks have colorful stars and resemble swarm-like movements of fish in the water. And the always colorful Russ would like everyone to know Liam had a hat trick in Week 1. 

The Willow- The Willow resembles the long limbs and canopy of a Willow tree, which ALSO resembles the lucious flow of Stephen and Derek’s hair. Instant Karma are…The Willow. 

Comet- Anklebiters are the Comet because they’re out of this world!!! (I’ll show myself out.) But also, Probie is fast. Ta-Daaaa!!  

Crosette- With a Crosette, you get the best of two fireworks—the Peony and the Comet. And with Rotten Math, you get the best of two teams! Once Rotten Math has a chance to vibe with their new teammates, look for them to light it up like a Crosette.

Skyrocket- All of these firework names sound like they could be for Skyfighters. However, Skyrockets are so obviously the Butchers. Noted as a ‘great choice if you want to build up to a bigger display’, The Butchers always seem to build as the season progresses, being most dangerous in their final(s) form.

By Glnzr

In Week 2 Cat gave 3 stars to a most likely drunk train conductor, Probie and Charlotte who got engaged several weeks prior, and Ben Chadwick because he was on an email exchange with Cat. Not to name drop, but I’m on a text chain with Probie and he alerted us of his engagement. It happened prior to Week 1 of the BTSH Season, the week I did the stars! So sadly, I’m negating Charlotte and his Week 2 Star because the event had already happened. Nice try Cat. 

***Tadpole Jack 

The 3rd star was a battle between Jack and his gf Annie. True story, when deciding between who I’d give the 3rd Star to, I had forgotten they were dating. It brings me so much joy to only give one of them stars, not both. This has to kiiiiiiiiill Cat. I hate love! 
Each made a strong case. Jack never played net in BTSH before and beat the mighty Rehabs. Annie torched the Zisser and the Lbs. in a shootout, which made me happy because she beat my team with the Lbs. in a shootout in Week 1. In the end, I felt Annie was a little more deserving, but Jack watched Hero while I played, so he gets the star. There will be no draining of the swamp when I’m doing the stars. 

**Coach/Dan Hopper/Edge

Dan Hopper and Coach have had legendary careers…with much different arcs yet sorta intertwined. jA young Hopper won the PBR Cup in 2009 with the Sky Fighters and remained with the team until he left after their semi-final loss on November 1, 2015. That evening, Dan joined the coveted BTSH HOF. Heart-broken over his loss, but overcome with pride over his induction, Hopper moved to Calif, realizing he’s accomplished all he can do in NY. Or maybe he left bc of his job or a girl. How the hell should I know?

Joining Hopper in the HOF on Nov. 1, 2015 was Coach. He had an amazing career with the Demons, going from player to emergency goalie to one of the leagues all-time best goalie, but not better than Craig, according to Craig. But on that fateful night, Coach also decided to leave, but he did not head west like Hopper, he went around 45.1 miles to Babylon and joined Fuzz. It took him 3 years, but in the end, he got his PBR Cup and went out on top. Like a drug, much like Edge, they all came back and now Coach has been reduced to Tim Brown’s whims and is Fuzz’s emergency goalie. Welcome back legends!

* Emily

Let’s face it, the Sky Fighters have been disrespected. First Hicks and Herr give them a bye on Week 1, and then in Week 2 Hicks tries to cancel their game due to Rain Fears over a passing drizzle. When was the last time the Media even mentioned a Sky Fighter? (The answer is literally the last paragraph) Emily had enough, and the Riots had too much of Emily. Emily scored 2 goals…striking a blow to every frat boy in NYC who dares challenges her to pushups at a bar. Russo/Jess, unless you want to be humiliated at center court by Emily’s freak pushup skills, I suggest you focus more on the Sky Fighters and less on Liam and his 3 goals he had in Week 1. 

Participation Awards: Russ wasn’t at the Cobra Kai game so we’ll never know who played well.