btsh.org

By The BTSH Committee on Fact-Finding

Third Star: Russell Hamilton for sitting front row during the Rotten Math v. Meg Touch shootout.

Word is that when the Commissioner S. Hicks looked over and saw Russell sitting there before her attempt she said “Fucking idiot, let me show him how hockey is really done.” Then she put on an amazing fake and burned the Keeper. Then it was Eli’s turn and Eli knew Russell was booing and booing hard—which is why he put together his best move, ended the game, brought his finger to his mouth, and silenced the Russ. Unfortunately for both of them this was exactly the outcome Russell was going for—and like any good double secret agent—he manipulated them into thinking he didn’t want them to do this so that they would do it. Pure genius by Russ.

Second Star: Russell Hamilton (and honorable mention to Yetter) who managed to call the game of the season without wasting anyone’s time with ANY high-ball whistles.

Wow, did both teams play a great game thanks to the refs. Glnzr, who is a confirmed hockey genius, told Mike T, Scott, Jeff, and Gil exactly how they could score to win the game. Glnzr credited Russ as the key to success, because even ball hockey’s Bill Belichick knows his team’s effort and success should be credited to the refs of that game. Even in defeat someone overheard Gabe who was overcoming a back injury (and still managed to play an awesome game) say “Wow. We were good. Marco had two goals, Ryan K, and Braun each scored but full credit has to go to the Refs for being perfect out there.”

P.S. good luck to Gabe with the birth of his new baby girl coming out anytime now (as always full credit to Russ for inspiring him to have sex)!

First Star: Russell Hamilton!

He was on the same team as JJ, Will G., and Tom L., who all managed to put up two goals in one game. He also showed support and tapped the pads of Casca who put up the best shutout of the season for any goalie ever (thanks to support from Russ). We should mention Russell did manage to have one assist in the game. Lots of people were saying it was the most important assist.

Honorable mentions:

Scotty K – For being the man and leading the Lbs to a win. This guy rocks! Love seeing Scott be successful (mostly). Full Credit to Russ for telling Scott about Blink-182.

Tadpole – For providing the provider with the gift that keeps on giving….the Chop Cheese! The ultimate New York Bodega sandwich. Full Credit to Russ for asking Jack what a Chop Cheese is.

Olivier & Julie – For working as a team and managing to both play their hockey games this Sunday despite parenting duties. Full Credit to Russ for bulling them into playing.

Goalie Becca – For the goal of the day with a turnaround snipe top corner from around half court. Full credit to Russ for heckling her into shooting the puck.

Dan H – For putting on a clinic of a game, contributing to all three of Skyfighter’s regulation goals and scoring in the (lol) shootout as well. Full Credit to Russ for having hockey tape in his bag in case Dan needed some.

AliCat – She is Russ’s assistant and agreed to sign a contract to come on full-time. Full Credit to Russ for going on Hinge.

By Dingle McCringle

Editor’s Note: One of your media overlords is out of the country and the other came late to the rink and didn’t get a chance to watch all the games.

So thank you Justin for updating the website with scores, and sorry for the lack of color. Away we go…

WTP 2, Rainbows, 1

Tighter than expected game with the Pucks edging out Rainbows

Rotten Math 1, Mega Touch 0 (SO)

Who doesn’t love a goalie duel? Eli with the shootout winner to seal the deal for Rotten Math

Lbs 9, Butchers 0

Oof. Lbs don’t like losing and it seems they took out their recent mini-schneid on Butchers.

Gremlins 1, Karma 3

Walker with the lone Gremmies goal and Stevie F putting on a clinic for Karma

Demons 1, Anklebiters 4

Anklebiters stay pesky and beat the Demons. Probie probably scored.

Fuzz 5, Fresh Kills 4

Fuzz stay hot and beat a solid FK team for their 5th win in a row

Filthier 1, Poutine 2

Poutine rally behind two goals from Tadpole to stay undefeated on the year against Filthier

Riots 0, Cobra Kai 6

Cobra Kai also stay undefeated blanking Riots with a six-spot. Congrats Russ and Ali!!

Hookers 3, Skyfighters 4 (SO)

Dan H. from Skyfighters is all over the media’s radar with a 2 goals (1 assist, but that doesn’t matter in BTSH) performance, capped off with the SO winner in a big upset win over the Hookers

By Stoop Dogg

Good afternoon BTSHers, it’s your friendly neighborhood DJ Stoop Dogg coming at you live from my studio apartment and thank heavens for that, because 100% of what I have just been googling would have been blocked on my work computer and 1000% would have been escalated to HR if anybody saw me googling it on my phone. I am pleased to say this was a very educational and enlightening article and I can’t wait for the targeted ads I’m going to start getting.  Anyway onto this, in the word’s of Frey, “Very Sexy,” article. 

LEGALLY REQUIRED DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18 or the young and impressionable Sweet Baby James, you must stop reading immediately!

What the Puck vs. Dark Rainbows

The Bullet Vibrator, every young woman’s first vibe – it’s small, it’s discrete, unsuspectingly powerful, and always gets you over the goal line. What the Puck, I dub thee The Bullet Vibrator. Huzzah!

Dark Rainbows, despite your name, you are a very lively, playful, and colorful group. You work hard, put in maximum effort, and earn every win. So for that, you are the Sex Position Coloring Book… fun and educational!

Lbs vs. Butchers

Lbs could easily be every sex toy under the sun. Maybe it’s Frey, maybe it’s knowing that some of you are super into eating booty, I DON’T KNOW! But y’all are freaks and I say that with the utmost love and respect. Anyway, hockey wise, you’re really high level, you usually win, and then most of you stay and get weird after you play. Without further ado, you are the Cowgirl Premium Sex Machine with the Buckwild Double Penetration Attachment. Imagine a horse saddle, with a dildo glued to the top of it, that vibrates. Wow. 

Sex Swings. They sound like a good time, I mean, regular swings were always a blast, add in sex, it’s double the fun! The swing also probably adds a little spice, a little je ne sais quoi, to those closed door naked activities, and maybe some needed leverage? This is guess work here. There’s another very aspect of a good swing, for sex or otherwise, and that’s a strong foundation. Butchers embody the sex swing – they’re fun, they’re spicy, and rock hard, I mean solid. Rock Solid. 

Denim Demons vs. Gouging Anklebiters

Demons, you are 50 feet of red colored Hemp Bondage Rope. Resourceful, creative, and a little too hardcore sometimes. You just have a real Bondage rope kind of vibe. Maybe it’s the Russian factor. But, I mean, you named yourself the Demons. 

“I’ll take “Embodying Butt Plugs” for 500, Alex.” 

“Name the BTSH team that is simultaneously a pleasure and a massive pain in the ass. Hint: they are very nice off the courts, a team you want to party with, but during games, they go hard and sometimes can be a bit irritating to play against.” 

“What is Gouging Anklebiters?”

“That is correct, Gouging Anklebiters is correct.”

Filthier vs. Poutine Machine

Filthier, feels like you should be something super dirty, and not just because of your name. You’re a good team but you are also an under the radar physical team. That’s why the  “Intermediate Bondage Kit” seems rather fitting. It’s pretty, it’s pink, and it matches your uniform!

Poutine Machine, you are the POCKET PUSSAY! Ehm, Pocket Pussy. The end. 

Corlears Hookers vs. Skyfighters

Hookers, you are like the second string QB. You’re good, but you’re not great. You have some insecurities, but are still rather outgoing and because you aren’t the GOAT, you have to put in a little extra effort when picking up the honeys and between the sheets. So, you are the Dual Pleaser Vibrating Cock Ring. For his and her pleasure. 

You’re a solid team, who is nice and not polarizing. You hang out at the courts and are a great add to any event. Rarely, if ever, the butt of jokes in the media or a source of drama. Skyfighters, you are Lube. Much like the slippery substance, you are under appreciated and make everything better. 

Rotten Math vs. Mega Touch

They’re liked by all (or most anyway), as close to classic, OG BTSH as you can get, skilled if not older than average. Yes, it’s true, Rotten Math is none other than your classic 80’s porno. Sweet ‘staches, real tits (such a friendly word), and full bush all around!

They’re not necessarily known for their hockey prowess, but frankly skill isn’t what counts in this league. It’s about who best embodies the spirit of BTSH, and that would be Mega Touch. They’re fun to play with, they’re fun to play against, they’re silly, they’re colorful in personality, their jerseys have a  bunch of hands outstretched to touch you. I’ll just come out and say it – Mega Touch, you are Edible Body Paint. When they touch you, they touch you Mega, and always with consent. 

Gremlins vs. Instant Karma

They’re mouthy and really enjoy sideline reffing. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way to silence that…oh, wait, there is! Gremlins you have won yourselves the Ball Gag!

Instant Karma, you don’t take yourselves too seriously. You like to play hockey and win games but you like to drink and party way more. This makes you the perfect candidate to be awarded the Sex and Mischief Enchanted Feather Tickler. Saucy, silly, and magical good time.

Fuzz vs Fresh Kills

Fresh Kills can never seem to keep their sticks down clearly making them the “Pegasus Curved Realistic Harness Set” aka a Strap-on that is always up.. It has a wireless remote with 15 vibration patterns and 6 intensity levels. Bummer, it doesn’t seem to come in their team color. 

If you guessed Fuzzy Handcuffs for Fuzz, you guessed right! In their heads, they’re tough, bad ass, HARDCORE! In reality, they’re just some soft, fluffy restraints. It’s in the name. 

Riots vs. Cobra Kai

While I don’t want to label one team more Feminist or better Feminists than another team (all of you are great Feminists, if this were Brownies or Boy Scouts, you’d all be able to sew your Feminist patch onto your sashes, A+ work guys), however one team who has always been very loud & proud about it would be the Riots. So, for that reason, your sex toy is ** drum roll please ** the Cock Cage! Keeping those men and their hormones in line. 

Nipple Clamps, so much pleasure in so much pain, or at least I think that’s the case…either way, Cobra Kai, you’re Nipple Clamps. You bring the pain, and you take pleasure in it. Quick Q, do the clamps cause chafing or cracking? Message Direct with answers, plz. 

Rehabs – Bye-week: 

Yeah, like I’d miss an opportunity to give Rehabs their sex toy…I have said it before, I’ll say it again. They’re a team of strong, badass ladies. If they were rappers, they would all be Cardi B’s and Meg Thee Stallions. Oh, and they have a bunch of dudes (who are confident enough in themselves to have & champion these ladies) who love ladies. Rehabs, for all that pussy power, lady loving, vagina empowering, your sex toy is The Clit Sucker/Stimulator. Talk about macaroni in a pot, WAP WAP WAP.

Oh, realized I never bothered to predict any of the games: 

What the Puck to slip in a win over Rainbows. 4-2. 

Lbs will take the Butchers to Pound Town, and only one team will enjoy themselves. Classic. 6-1. 

Demons will get really close to finishing with a W, but Biters will beat them out for the Win. 3-1.

It’ll be tight, they’ll go a few rounds, but with James & Ann gone, Poutine will end up dominating Filthier into submission for that Win. 6-3. 

Hookers know how to turn some tricks and if they have enough stamina, will bang out the win over Skyfighters. 4-2. 

Battle of the well-liked teams, they’ll be sweet and soft, put the moves on each other (a little yawn & stretch), but Classic Rotten Math wins out over fun and flirty Mega Touch, but they’ll both enjoy themselves and fist bump after. 3-1

Instant Karma will use their Karmasutra moves on Gremlins and take them sensually, and then win, win, win! 2-1. 

Back Seat, windows up, that’s the way FK likes to work, rough play, will make Fuzz hurt, in Tompkins square park all in the dirt..oh and then Fuzz will lose. 7-6. 

Riots will give it their all, but ultimately predicting a real spanking from Cobra Kai. 8 – 1. 

Rehabs, well it’s your week off, so you’re likely at home watching a little game tape, maybe having a little 1×1 time, watching the video of your last BTSH Championship win. 

By 23 and Mia

Alas, this is another send off for one of BTSH’s finest. And, much like the story of Ann and James, the tale of Sena Bell is one of LOVE.

Though Sena was born in Tokyo and her entire family except for her mother still lives in Japan, Sena has lived in NYC the majority of her life. Around the age of 5 or 6, she found herself romanced by the fresh face of the newly built Chelsea Piers, a snazzy, money-grubbing sports complex unlike anything Manhattan had ever seen. An admitted “tomboy athlete”, Sena followed her guy pals to the Piers to try out ice hockey. For her, it was LOVE at first slap shot.

As the years went by and Sena got more serious with sports, she realized she had to stop two timing and even three timing basketball, baseball and hockey. She chose hockey. Sena had been playing co-ed thus far, but by the time she was in middle school, her mother was driving her across the Hudson to play on an all-female team in New Jersey. This same team started a club team, the NJ Rockets, that spawned Poutiner Charlotte M. And, of course Sena played with the infamous Herr Sisters —the Commish from Math Rot and Cheeky from the Hooker’s— as well as the fabulous Tremble Sisters from Instant Karma.

All those hour-long trips to and from Jersey gave Sena good chances to study in the car. She landed at an esteemed college and on an okay collegiate ice team: the Weslyan Cardinals. This is where she got the nickname Sena Bell. Not sure if it was a lot of partying or maybe some concussions, but she can’t remember why people started calling her that. Anyway, after graduating, she returned home to NYC where a romantic other led her to BTSH around 2011. Ends up this ex-girlfriend’s boss was the legendary Stacy K. (I don’t know why Stacy is a BTSH legend, but I’ve heard her name for years; apparently, she’s a baller. Someone should tell us about her.) 

Stacy K was the captain of The Rehabs along with Bryan W (who sadly, is only part-timing this year). See how this is finally all coming around? Though The Butchers and Fresh Kills tried to woo Sena, she joined The Rehabs AND HAS BEEN THERE EVER SINCE. She says she has never even tried to leave, though there’s always been a dream to make a dominant all-women’s team.

Now, this hockey romance has a new chapter: A couple of years ago, a wonderful person named Carlin stepped in and out of The Sky Fighters and into Sena’s life. Carlin and Sena are moving to Colorado together where they can live amongst cleaner air, play ice more cheaply and be a step closer to Sena’s beloved Burning Man (the reason why she has missed every OC Tournament Worky has ever put on.) So, let’s wish them the best on their adventure! 2021 will have been Sena’s tenth year in BTSH if you count the vid year. Let’s just do that cuz tin is the tenth anniversary gift and it sounds pretty fitting to raise a cool one for our hometown girl. 

by Isaac

That’s right we’ve got some bonus content for you this week. Feast your eyes on the series of photos that took place on the courts Sunday with commentary from Frey and a stars write up from Isaac.

Frey: After getting iced at halftime of my game and immediately chugging it despite the fact that I was playing the entire game with no subs, I felt a little post-game icing rampage was warranted.  When people talk about the “spirit of BTSH” it’s usually in reference to some lame idealistic bullshit that makes me and much of the league cringe.  But this right here is the true spirit of BTSH: icing Meg using Cherie’s baby carriage as a decoy prop, then mercilessly roasting her bitch ass as she has to chug that ice against her will while everyone watches and laughs at her misfortune.  Now that’s a Sunday worth coming out for.  And when Meg is lying in bed recovering from jaw surgery for the next several weeks, she will think upon this moment and be glad that her jaw is wired shut, thus preventing any further public icings from taking place in the near future.

Third Star

Meg for getting iced by a baby stroller(!) 

Second Star

Cherie for allowing her baby’s stroller to be used a decoy for getting Meg iced

First Star

Frey for his Loki-esque deviousness to get Meg iced 

HM

Hicks for selling it with his honest reactions 
Jack for knowing what’s up and not spoiling the reveal