October 20th (Semi-Finals) Schedule
October 15th, 2013Here is the schedule for Sunday, October 20. As was decided with Tim, both playoff games will run at the same time, and will start promptly at 3:30.
12:30 PM East What The Puck at Filthy Gorgeous
12:30 PM West Gremlins at La Famiglia
1:30 PM East Rehabs at Gut Rot
1:30 PM West Gouging Anklebiters at Tompkins Square Riots
2:30 PM East Butchers at Mathematics
2:30 PM West Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
3:30 PM East #4 Denim Demons at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM West #6 Corlears Hookers at #1 Fresh Kills
4:30 PM East Sky Fighters at Dark Rainbows
4:30 PM West Cobra Kai at Happy Little Elves (Barnacle Bowl!!!)
Quarter Finals Game Previews
October 11th, 2013
Scott Lee & Corey Winters are ready for Sunday!
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
This game has us wishing we’d saved the hot dog photo until this week. After all, it was the deciding factor the last time these two teams faced off in a BTSH championship match. There’s a lesson for you young reporters. Choose your meat product costume photos wisely.
Still there are plenty of storylines here. WTP has been a perennial BTSH powerhouse throughout franchise history. But past performance is not an indicator of future outcomes (or however our financial advisor puts it. We really shouldn’t have bought all that Blackberry stock. But, c’mon. The guy was going to put an NHL franchise in Hamilton!). And WTP are not the same team they once were. Romeo is retiring and half the team are receiving AARP membership cards. Sal has been MIA since 2011. Hannah and the Woodsworths have gone from making plays to making playdates (see what we did there?). And Zimm’s fitness videos have taken on a decidedly Hasselhoffian overtone. Still, “that which they are they are” (yes, we just paraphrased Tennyson. Top that Glanzer.) And it’s possible that they may yet have the fire to upset one of the most heavily favored teams in BTSH history.
On the other hand, the Kills are at the height of their powers. With the exception of Kevin “My hair was white when I was 25 so no one can see me age” Foster, this is a speedy, youthful crew that could dominate the league for years to come. Scott Lee still isn’t old enough to rent a car, Ariel still gets carded at Ace and the French Connection just attended their CGEP ten year reunion (get Joann Provencher to explain that one to you, Dave). No wonder we all hate them.
The key to beating Kills is simple. Just use the same tactics that old white guys have always used to keep youth down. Lobby the government and abuse authority until you get what you want. There are a least 5 guys on the team on T-1 Visas and we’re sure you could get Alice’s status revoked as well. Don’t even get us started on the Russians. Get Homeland Security on the case and you’ll delete at least seven players from the roster. Then have the DOD offer Barch a lucrative contractor job in Silver Springs, MD. Lobby for Steph Opitz to be named Poet Laureate. And get a third strike on each of the Sarahs. That’s what stop and frisk is for.
A few simple judicial moves and all WTP will have to do is beat Nick Hobbs and Eugene Rha. Rha is tough but my mother-in-law could shut down Hobbs (and she’s pretty much the same age as Tom Macdonald). Go WTP! We’re pulling for you Romeo! Mission 4W!
#8 Happy Little Elves at #4 Denim Demons
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “Already Regretting That ‘Comic relief’ Line” Kazin
#10 Butchers at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
by guest columnist Vladimir “Grouchy” Marx
There’s a touch of David and Goliath to this one. The Butchers eked out a shootout victory over the ‘Biters last weekend courtesy of wily PBR Cup veteran Jenna Cruff. The ElbsLBS wiped Mega Touch 8-0 from the playoffs like something stuck to the sole of their shoe. The Butchers ain’t nobody’s bitches, though, and if they struggled against the Anklebiters it might have been because they were saving up their latent rage to fight one of those ambiguously evil teams of the uppermost echelon. LBS certainly fits the bill, so maybe this is the week the Butchers sharpen their cleavers and start slaughterin’.
This contest isn’t just about street hockey. It’s about democracy. The upcoming merger of the so-called Corporation with the league’s sole governing official (the Commish) can only result in the same sort of cynical league-wide puppeteering we’ve come to expect from those fat cats in Washington who fill their wineskins with squeezings from the puckered teats of crony capitalism. This is the time for the Butchers to stand up and send a message– not just to BTSH, and not just to America, but to the entire universe. We demand representation! The whole world is watching! Attica! Attica!
Here’s the inside scoop on what the Butchers can do to occupy the LBS.
- The Butchers should be drinking milk, which builds strong bones and teeth.
- Chris Demotta should concoct an experimental serum that will turn Georgine into a nine-foot tall furry red monster. (See artist’s rendering, above.)
- Operation Lobstertrap: Set up a store at 10th & A and have a sale on white polo shirts. Once the LBS are all inside, lock the door and call for a forfeit.
Butchers of the world, unite!
(Otherwise, LBS 4, Butchers 2.)
#6 Corlears Hookers at #5 La Famiglia
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
By Rich “Tuques Forever!” Glanzer
For me, this is the Game of the Week, and here’s why.
THIS DAY IN LIME-TOSS HISTORY (#3) – October 9, 1984
October 10th, 2013
THIS DAY IN LIME-TOSS HISTORY (#3) – October 9, 1984
The year was 1984 and worldwide tensions were tense worldwide. Canada’s new prime minister Brian Mulroney pledged to establish a subcommittee by 1986 to summarize a study on trends in the trade of beige rubber-coated paperclips. Here in North America, meanwhile, the CIA introduced crack cocaine to relieve the expense of normal cocaine. A team of Nicaraguan Sandinistas, funded by the Pentagon and led by Ayatollah Khomeini, began designing the arcade classic “Contra.”
Little did the Contra team know that the video arcade would almost nearly be sort of a thing of the not-too-distant future past, just 29 years later, all because of a little five-hundred year old megacorporation transitioning into consumer electronics from their original line of business (chocolate-covered panties). Their new product: the Limendo Entertainment System.
The original L.E.S. came with two games sharing one cartridge. The first was called Super Mario Brothers and allowed the player to live the life of a struggling Italian plumber who gets mixed up in a regional drug war and ends up strung out in the metaphorical castle of his own decaying psyche, reliving a bad trip until his body succumbs to mushroom abuse. The game didn’t fare too well with kids; its outdated countercultural themes in the tie-and-blazer Reagan era doomed its audience to paranoid HAM radio operators and literature professors.
But the other game, Lime-Toss, proved so popular that entire families starved rather than tear themselves from the screen. Taking the ancient tradition of “Old Timey Lime-Toss” and transferring it into the digital era, players manipulated an electrified lime to control a retriever tasked with catching limes. Points were scored for style (not for actually catching the lime), as is traditional, so players were rewarded for spastic hand motions. Crushed limes and juice-squirted faces were familiar throughout America’s rec rooms, and trillions were spent on replacement controllers from neighborhood fruit stands.
1984 advertisement unearthed by Zardoz K. Norristrophy
The runaway success of 8-bit Lime-Toss changed the face of America for all eternity. Children would never leave their homes again, and their fingers would never smell the same. It also led to a decline in participation for the original, non-digital game, until its chance rediscovery at a retoxification retreat for degenerate middle-aged teenagers in Maryland [1]. This quickly led to the founding of the NLTA and the NLTAPA which licenses the likeness of Lime-Toss superstars in modern video game adaptations such as Lime-Tosser 2 Turbo Champion Edition and Matt Workman’s Lime-Toss!!.
What does the future hold for video Lime-Toss? Scientists speculate that by 2014 we will be driving “virtual limes” down the “information superhighway”, operating these vehicles through direct electrocortical stimulation of neurocitric phlogisthon waves. Nobody can say for sure, but one thing’s for certain: the future is bright for the electric lime!
Quarter Finals Playoff Schedule
October 8th, 2013
Take care of those knees, Creamy! The Butchers are going to need you this weekend.
Here is the schedule for this Sunday, October 13. Playoff games will start promptly at the times indicated.
12:30 PM East Tompkins Square Riots at Filthy Gorgeous
12:30 PM West Cobra Kai at Gut Rot
1:30 PM East #14 What The Puck at #1 Fresh Kills
1:30 PM West #8 Happy Little Elves at #4 Denim Demons
2:30 PM East Mega Touch at Sky Fighters
2:30 PM West Rehabs at Mathematics
3:30 PM East #10 Butchers at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM West #6 Corlears Hookers at #5 La Famiglia
4:30 PM East Dark Rainbows at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 PM West Poutine Machine at Gremlins
Sweet Sixteen Boxscores
October 8th, 2013
No real upsets, in the Sweet Sixteen Round. Sadly, Glanzer division darlings the Anklebiters and Mathematics lost to lower seeded (but higher division) opponents. Guess, Derek should have recruited more Norri. We’ll miss the high spirits and conviviality that both teams bring to the court.
With the #1,2,4,5,6, and 8 seeds all moving on, expect the quarter finals to be intense.
Butchers 3, Gouging Anklebiters 2 (OT-SO)
