Week 12 – Game Previews – Part 1
July 10th, 2013
Editor’s Note: With the NHL trading season in full swing, we asked our correspondents to grill their sources for news of impending deals in BTSH. Who’s most likely to be traded? Who’s getting a long term contract extension? And is it true that Peaches has sold the naming rights for Gut Rot to Franzia? “Box Wine” doesn’t pack quite the power of “Gut Rot” but according to our sources, it and several other big changes are looming in the league’s future.
Cobra Kai at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “She’s Never Coming Back!” Russo
This week’s theme is “trades.” As per SPL, we’re supposed to write about which trades the captains of the teams we’re writing about would make.
Happy Little Elves at Butchers
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
When it comes to deals, the Elves have got some hard questions to ask. After a red hot start the Smiling Sprites have cooled off significantly over the last few weeks. The big question? Is the problem in the front office or with the players on the court? There are some legendary tempers on the Green Goblins and some are wondering if Captain Rich Glanzer’s Tortorella style of management has had it’s day. Certainly, having Trevor “Haribo” Beauclair do post-game Tabata Squats after only scoring two goals in his last game was the low point of Richie’s coaching career. And his recent Anthony Weiner like posting of his torso across Facebook has many questioning if the Head Elf has finally lost it. But give the man a break. What other team could handle such diverse personalities as Luisa ‘the Surgeon” Mirarchi, Ben “the Barbariben” Chadwick and Jenna “Poison in the Locker Room” Cruff?
But as much as we feel for Rich, it’s clearly time for a change. Expect Glanzer, Courtney Mcbride and the rights to Ryan Nakahara to be traded to the Rehabs for Sena Ito and future considerations. New Captain Sarah Torenten will waste no time aping the Mathematics strategy. Expect her to begin recruiting the rest of the Valdes family and (in her words) “Giving Shaun time to heal emotionally.”
On the other hand, don’t expect the Butchers to be very active in the free agent market. This team’s whole reason for being is to hang out and play together. So trading a player would be like kicking someone out of their family. However, Beth Bruder’s recent signing by the Toronto Maple Leafs does leave a roster spot open. Expect Rachel Greene to pull off a surprise move and sign up UFA Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli. MDF has been honing her skills in the Lebanese Ball Hockey league and after hearing about the Glanzer trade, she’s a lock not to return to the Rehabs. MDF is a talented player but one who really cares more as much (if not more) about having a good time off the court as winning. In other words, a classic Butcher.
Of course, if none of this happens expect a 4-3 Elves shootout win.
Fresh Kills at What the Puck
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Notice how I didn’t mention the Elves championship this week?” Glanzer
Fresh Kills vs. WTP. This rivalry is as storied as Federer vs. Roddick, the Yankees vs. Red Sox (pre 2004), the Globetrotters vs. Washington Generals. Yes … its been pretty one-sided the last two years with Fresh Kills winning the 2011 BTSH Championship over WTP and then eliminating them last year after being down 2-0.
Poutine Machine at Rehabs
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
For the Rehabs, watching Poutine struggle in the second division is probably like watching a replay of their 2012 season. The Rehabs looked poised to make a legitimate run at the division title this year but then they suffered the much documented loss of key players like Stacy Kehoe and Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli. But even more devastating has been the lack of a legitimate starting goalie.
So Bryan Welch has been working the phones like crazy during the break. And he’s been offering an attractive package. Any Captain willing to take Hector “Showtime” Melendez will also get Alex “HBO” Zabala and Shawn “Cinemax” Kirkham for free. Word is that after starting a new TV blog, the Elves Rich Glanzer couldn’t resist a deal like that. In return, the ‘Habs will pick up Ben Chadwick, Trevor Beauclair and Shaun deLacey. When asked why he would trade away his starting goalie, Glanzer will reply, “To be honest, I completely forgot that Shaun played nets for us.”
For Poutine, it’s all about the scoring. With a per game scoring average of 0.5, the Poutiners resemble the 2013 Rangers. And that’s not a compliment. On the bright side, they appear to be turning things around a little bit, scoring 3 goals and netting the win in their last game. But don’t expect captain Patrick Larsen to remain idle. That’s why he’s been offering green card sponsorship for any Canadians willing to join the machine (a big shout out to Claire Weingarten and Kara Asuncion for agreeing to “marriages of convenience” for the sake of the team). Unfortunately, so far the only taker has been the Rehab’s, Jon Feldman a deal that was automatically vetoed by Larsen. “There’s only room for one ref-abusing player from Ottawa on this team”, remarked the PM skipper.
Look for these evenly matched squads to battle hard. 3-2 in OT for the Poutiners.Not so for Lbs. Since their 2012 championship win, Sascha Owens has vowed that Lbs. players are like Supreme Court justices. They all hold their positions for life. In fact, when Karen Erickson mentioned that it might be nice to get a goal scorer who wasn’t Karsten or Ken, Owens forced her to hand embroider new LBs. logos on a fresh batch of crisp white polo shirts. Like your Grampa, the Lbs. don’t like change. So don’t expect any additions to this squad any time soon.
Expect a spirited match here but the Filthies depleted roster is going to be a problem for them in the second half of this game. 5-3 LBs. with Karsten scoring the go ahead goal with five minutes left.
Week 11 Boxscores
July 4th, 2013Fresh Kills 5, Filthy Gorgeous 2
Josh Wilson Shut out Ariel Kipnis
Ben Bloom 2 ?
Anklebiter’s Goals
Happy Canada Day!
July 1st, 2013A Happy July 1st to all the Canucks in the league.
This video (courtesy of James”the other Vancouver goalie who wasn’t traded yesterday” Stein) clearly shows that our country rocks:
Week 11-Game Previews – Part 2
June 28th, 2013
Filthy Gorgeous at Fresh Kills,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
It’s a bittersweet end to the first part of the season for the Filthys. For the first time in years, Dan Owens won’t be their regular goalie. So expect Monica “Front Office” Russo to be working the phones all through the summer break. Will she call up an untried rookie from some farm league? Or will she work backchannels to snare a keeper from another BTSH team? With no rights protection in the BTSH contracts anyone is fair game. Will she offer Craig LaCombe the dedicated club venue he’s always wanted (don’t be fooled Craig, that’s just James Periera’s apartment)? Will she swallow her pride and give James “Ramm” Stein the veto power over the roster that he requested when he was FG goalie years ago? Or will she start a Kickstarter campaign to get Suvin Malik Lasik surgery and the opportunity to step between the pipes? So many questions.
Meanwhile, FK Captain Dave Sokol has no worries. His Blue Bombers are operating like a finely tuned machine and he’s planning to kick back at his dacha with a hand-picked crew of Kills insiders. Even Vladmir Putin’s request to hide NSA leaker Edward Snowden in the basement isn’t going to spoil Dave’s holiday (although a surprise appearance by Nick Hobbs may bring down the mood somewhat). All in all, the Kills are poised for a great regular streak and a playoff collapse worthy of Patrick Barch’s heroes, the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Unfortunately for FG the playoffs are still quite a ways away. Look for a 6-2 pounding courtesy of Staten island’s finest.
Tompkins Square Riots at Dark Rainbows
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
Fresh off their first win of the season, most of the Riots are looking forward to getting one more game in and then recharging for the second half. Alas, it’s not to be. Team Captain Amy Jones has put together a rigorous schedule of community activism that will see the Riots permanently encamped at Tompkins Square for the next 21 days. She’s calling it “Occupy Glanzer” (which seems a little unfair to the actual BTSH commissioner Tim Brown) and if things go well, it will change the face of the league. Goalie equipment will only be made out of recycled material, Scott Townsend will be forced to put the entire league on his health insurance and the BTSH championships will be replaced by free elections (where we all get to vote on who should really win). With Laura MacNeil working as her Campaign Manager, don’t be surprised if you come back to a radically different street hockey league.
The Rainbows have been up and down this season but one thing has remained constant. No igloo for the Rainbows babies. We’re not sure why but we’re hoping that Sean takes advantage of the break to lead a team expedition to IKEA. If he works it right, they’ll have enough numbers to take over the entire bus to Red Hook (the Rainbows don’t use private transportation). Using the full storage capacity of their free transport, the Rainbows will finally be able to purchase the geodisic dome Sean has always wanted, allowing the return of Violet and all the other supporters who made the Rainbows great.
But before all that happens these two have to play a hockey game. We’re predicting that in the spirit of worker’s brotherhood and free love, the teams will agree to split the victory. Look for a predetermined 3-3 tie and the most respectful game in BTSH so far this year.
Mega Touch at Poutine Machine
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
MegaTouch are already looking past this game to the trip to Hershey Park that Julie Katz promised at the start of the season. And that would be a problem if they were playing anyone but Poutine Machine.
Call it karma. Call it bad luck. But the French Fry fiends can’t buy a win this year. Like the 2013 Philadelphia Flyers they looked good on paper but nothing has worked for this squad.
If Poutine don’t come away with at least a tie in this one Patrick Larsen will have some hard decisions to make. Look for him to make a compliance buyout of his own contract and free agent acquisition Jerome Ramos to be sent back to the Elves. Perhaps he’ll even send goalie Tim Brown to Filthy Gorgeous for some high draft picks. It could be a busy offseason for the bleu et blanc. Does anyone know if Mark Messier is still looking for a coaching job?
Sky Fighters at Corlears Hookers
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
This would probably be a closer game if Martin “Czechca” and his countrymen hadn’t started summer vacation early. The Czechmates all took off for Prague yesterday to drink ridiculously cheap beer and teach a few hockey camps, leaving Dan Hopper’s ranks depleted. Meanwhile, the Hookers have shown a new commitment to attendance and fielding full squads for summer games. Whether this is due to Peter Putka’s promise that he would take them all to the Just for Laughs festival or the fact that Dustin removed the June, July and August pages from all of Danilo Biagioni’s datebooks, it’s working for them.
Expect the Hookers to continue to roll in a 4-1 victory. Just no one tell Danilo about Gcal, ok?
Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “Recruiting for SXSW” Tucker
Summer. Theme parks, beaches and the name of my sister’s dog. When not sweltering in the Tompkins Square heat, the lads and lassies of BTSH scatter to the wind. So how do the Gouging Anklebiters spend their summer vacation? Music camp. Being the resident rock stars of the league, what better way to spend a week than a boozy seven days banging away on guitars and drums. Picture it. Joe P on guitar, Phil Donahue singing into a half empty High Life bottle and Caroline taking out her trademark aggression on the skins. Even the team’s name would look good on an album cover or tattooed on an adoring fans lower back. Rock on, Blue and Gold. Rock on.
Math, however, would spend their vacation in a more subdued manner. Road trip to Andy Pratt’s new digs in San Francisco. On the way, Derek will stop by the Hockey Hall of Fame, Amy Anderla will demand a tour of Wisconsin’s finest breweries and the Norris clan will continue to plan BTSH domination by recruiting fellow namesakes in every small town from Sheboygan to Kalamazoo. Naturally, this fragmented itinerary will only leave enough time for drinks at Andy’s pad, sourdough bread in Ghirardelli Square and a team photo by the Golden Gate Bridge. The Mathletes. A true family through and through.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: Apollo’s heat pours down from the Lower East Side sky like lines and tracers after a potent acid trip. The balanced play of the Biters at one end, the dynamic offense of Enigmatic Equations on the other. When the dank and sweat clears from the court, Math will have played a tough game but the Anklebiters will remain the moist, stinky victors. Score? 4 – 3.
Week 11 – Game Previews – Part 1
June 27th, 2013
Editor’s Note: It’s the dog days of BTSH. The weekends where the team with better attendance usually wins. And it becomes hard to tell goalies from homeless people (we hear Mike Tuckman made $50 in spare change last week). But fret not, ball chasers. After this Sunday, we’ve got a two-week break! In the spirit of the season we asked our correspondents to not only prognosticate on this week’s matchups but also find out what some of these teams plan for their summer vacation. The answers may surprise you!
Happy Little Elves at La Famiglia
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “In the Know” Meisterman
Perhaps it’s Dave Ladayni’s absence that is hindering La Famiglia’s ability to rise in standings. It’s not a lack of talent, that’s for sure! This is a team that boasts Hanwaa Chau and Angela Vicari and Lisa Harrington. And everyone knows about Denis Micelleto’s wicked shot and Shafiq Perry. But perhaps that’s the problem: everybody knows! Perhaps the media has done them in.
That doesn’t seem to be affecting the Happy Little Elves, though. The roster is pretty well known for various reasons. (Heels, all of them heels!) Honestly, I thought the “Know Your Neighbor” feature had been retired, but a special edition was made just for Elves-fans’ favorite, T-Beau. Jenna Cruff and Ben Chadwick were even featured on CBS news! Perhaps the media is only fuel for their fire. If we ignore them, will they start losing?
Since this is a rematch of last week, it’s likely La Famigilia will be looking for revenge as they were beaten 5-3, with only Miceletto scoring. However, now that we’ve talked about both teams, it’s also likely we’ll see a repeat of the Elves pushing La Famiglia further down in the standings.
Editor’s Note: Since Abby completely ignored her assignment (typical), we’ll mention that most of the Fam will be attending their annual reunion. Like all of their events it’s mostly an opportunity to callously remove deadweight from the organization (just ask Dave “why’d you all bring tire irons to the team picnic” Ladanyi). Hopefully, the team will be able to curb their homicidal urges to mercy killing Ant Ventolieri and Brian Ferry.
The Elves are all decamping to Long Island, mainly due to the fact that Ben Chadwick started a rumor that Rich has a pool. In fact, it’s a the cover for a palace coup by Chadwick, Cruff and power behind the throne Gil Valdes. A word to the wise, Rich. There’s no such thing as a free pass to Action Park.
Rehabs at Lbs
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
By Rich”the $howtime Enabler”Glanzer
The Rehabs and Lbs. are two teams with vastly different skill sets. For instance, the Lbs. are really good at scoring and winning hockey games.
No, I’m not stupid. Maybe the Lbs. will give up a goal, maybe they wont, but they wont give up two. And Karstan, Ken and Sam are going to score, so my prediction is 3-1 for the Lbs.
As for the what the Rehabs will do for their summer vacation, I really don’t care since the Rehabs Suck. What I really want to know is who is the scoring leader in BTSH this season? Is it Jeff Kamen of the Demons, is it Mr. Double Hattrick Karstan, is it me? (Its not me!)
Editor’s Note: I take it back, Rich. That trip to Action Park sounds like just the ticket for you. It took us 9 weeks to fix standings so I don’t know why you think we’d have scoring stats before September. Let’s just assume that Karsten’s six-goal game has probably got him top of the charts. #GiveUsChadwickToo
Denim Demons at Gremlins,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square Park West
by Eli “I Miss Camp” Kazin
Editor’s Note: This theme thing may not be working out. Game prediction, Eli? It’s the league’s hottest offensive player (Jeff K.) vs. the league’s hottest goalie. Look for the Demons to pick up another “W’ with a 4-2 victory.
Here’s what Gut Rot does on their summer vacation (for purposes of this exercise, we’ll assume that the entirety of Gut Rot is one entity):
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square Park East
by Monica “Cut the Crap” Russo
Has a baby
Editor’s Note: So that would be a 4-4 tie? Sure, let’s say that’s what it’s going to be.
Butchers at What the Puck,
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square Park West
We all know the Butchers don’t really try and win a game until around Week 16. Up to that point it’s really more about making Ben look good, not embarassing Eric and trying to keep Ashley “Mad Dog” McMasters from facing the DC or serious prison time.
Meanwhile, the WTP squad are usually worrying about whether it’s Mother or Father’s Day, a double header at Citifield, or the lawn needs mowing (all “legitimate”reasons team Captain Larry Zimmer has given as reasons to miss a game). Even Romeo is usually hanging out at the Jersey Shore to attend summer games (although giving us the awesome new MTV reality series “Romeo and Jwowette” really makes up for it).
In short, these two teams have been on summer vacation since Memorial Day.
Call it a 3-2 victory for WTP based on who’s in net for the Orange Crushes and how well Michelle’s wedding plans are going.
Goddammit, is it September yet?
