btsh.org

by Cat

I used to write 3 Stars on my phone on my morning commute to work – the subway is for inspiration, why else would @SubwayCreatures have over 2 million followers? I wasn’t sure I could muster this from the comfort of my own home.

Which is why THIRD STAR goes to Karl’s train conductor

On his way to Rainbows v. Mutt Rott, stick in hand, Karl was stopped by the subway train conductor. And by “Karl was stopped” I meant literally the entire train was stopped, and the rest of the passengers had to just wait while he spoke at length to Karl about hockey and then gave him a Mighty Ducks mug that he’d found.

NEW YORK IS BACK BABY!!!

 Second Star

Ben & Charlotte

Rich hates when I give stars for true love, because he’s jealous, but maybe Hero has finally softened him.

Happy engagement to the two of the league’s most talented hockey players!

First star

Chadwick

Fuck retirement!!!! Thanks for giving Craig some duct tape to fix this shoe* !!!!

*unverified report

Participation trophy goes to Cam the Goalie, because I realized I haven’t even referenced a single thing that happened on the courts, and he played like 3-4 games in spite of rain fears canceling much of the day.

Anyway, I hope this week’s 3 Stars makes Rich so so mad.

Love,

Cat

By Dingle McCringle

Only a partial Sunday “Around the League” because a proper sacrifice wasn’t made to the Hockey Gods, so they brought us rain.

The Colby Fresh Kills rolled Captain Hogg and WTP 6-2 in Game 1.

Poutine spread around the scoring and beat Gremlins 4-2. Charlie made +/- 47 saves.

Hookers hooked the Rehabs, beating them 4-1. Celebratory Filipino rum cocktails for Lee!!

Rainbows found the pot o’ gold against Rotten Math with a 4-2 victory.

Cobra Kai chopped their way to a 4-0 shutout vs. Butchers. Liam didn’t score, so no Stars for you!

And Filthier are up 1-0 on Lbs before rain came and messed up everyone’s day.

Mega beat Sky Fighters 5-3 and Fuzz beat the Biters 6-3.

Demons succumbed (succame??) to rain fears and opted to reschedule vs Karma.

Happy early Father’s Day to all you Dads out there. See ya in a couple of weeks.

By christo_the_hawk 

Everyone’s favorite and totally not overdone, previews!

WTP vs Fresh Kills

Fresh Kills got their hineys handed to them last week by the dojo. Even though the Colby farm system has plenty of talent, WTP is a well-rostered machine that can’t be stopped. Also Henry is back from being on vacation so WTP’s defense should be pretty solid and we can all see if the love connection between him and Tarny will result in some on-court chemistry.

Actual photo of Hogg, calculating stats, recalibrating reffing rules, and deciding who to poach next.

Prediction: WTP 4 – FK 2

Gremlins vs Poutine

Will Walker give Charlotte an early wedding gift and allow the Poo Crew to sneak an early goal past the Gremlins’ defense? Maybe, but if the usual suspects on the Gremlins show up it’s bound to be a tough game.

Prediction: Erich rolls up his sleeves to score the tying goal (and get rid of his awful farmer’s tan), 3-3 regulation, Poutine gets the win in OT thanks to their psycho offensive line.

Hookers vs Rehabs

With a stacked schedule the first few weeks it’s tough to be a hooker, but that’s life. Rehabs didn’t score as much as I thought they would last week but if Sena comes back and everyone snorts the same pre-workout Hicks uses I’m sure they will be hyped and hungry for goals.

Prediction: Cro shows up to actually play instead of shuffling around the courts in a Tommy Bahama shirt but it’s still not enough and the hookers get pounded, 4-1 Rehabs.

Math Rot vs Rainbows

Facing off twice in their division last year, Gut Rot and Rainbows each took home a win, and Math vs Rainbows was a bit of a blow out (thanks to 3 goals from an ex-math member). This new combo might result in a close game.

Prediction: Legally, I cannot make a prediction about my own team. We both win and we all hug. Go complain about it in the comments.

Filthier vs Lbs

Another good 1st division match up, even though Lbs won last week it was by the skin of their teeth. These two should be pretty evenly matched, both with a lean team and making use of skilled subs. Ann might still be flying high from the Islander’s victory and unleash a flurry of goals in the final minutes of the second half, but with Zisser being a far more competent goalie than the Bruin’s empty net, the goals will not come easy.

Prediction: 3-2, Filthy wins in the final minutes of regulation.

Butchers vs Cobra Kai

Did you guys know Liam scored 3 goals last week? Liam is really good. I’m saying Liam’s name a lot because apparently the media needs to name drop more according to my anonymous source on Cobra Kai. Liam Liam Liam. Now that that’s out of the way, I think this new-ish Butchers team could give the dojo a run for their money. Apart from LJ and Sienna, CK is hurting for some female talent due to various absences this season. 

Prediction: The bad guys win, 3-1 CK.

Mega Touch vs Sky Fighters

Having just played Mega, they definitely don’t go down without a fight. Sky Fighters might start out a bit soft with this being their official first game thanks to a bye last week but they could also be hungry to play…and win.

Prediction: Mega wins 2-1, but Emily beats everyone in a push up contest after.

Karma vs Demons

Karma has a lot of new talent in addition to their long-time solid players. They’re used to playing with each other, have solid scorers, and a few almost-Chadwick-sized players. Keep an eye out for a sparky new guy on the Demons named Jeff—he’s talented and will be the one physically trying to knock everyone over. 

Prediction: Karma wins 4-2, Chadwick activates his juggernaut powers and the demons’ players bounce off of him like gnats.

Live shot of Chadwick standing on the sidelines of a previous game.

Ankle Biters vs Fuzz

Fuzz has a new crop of ball hockey ringers on their team and the Biters came out flat against the Rehabs last week. Let’s all cut newly-engaged Probie some slack since he was feeling the love and celebration vibes. I’m anticipating a tougher game this time around but old school talent vs men’s league pro players does not bode well for a fair fight.

Prediction: A physical game with a lot of turnover but Fuzz wins 2-0.

By Dingle McCringle

Now that our season is officially back, we can continue the wonderful tradition of hazing introducing our shiny, new rookies to the rest of the league.

We kick off this year’s segment of “Meet the Rookies” with Florida Kevin, aka Kevin. I sat down (texted) with Florida Kevin and asked him some hard-hitting questions that he had equally hard-hitting responses to. Away we go…

Q: Florida Kevin, where are you from?
A: Boca Raton, FL.

Q: What’s your favorite form of ice cube?
A: Tijuana flats ice is the best for chewing but love just a standard cube for drinking water. Then obviously a nice sphere for some whiskey.

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it be?
A: Barkov, smart hard working 2-way player. (Mostly wanted to name a Panther that people know).

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it NOT be?
A: I’ll say Patrick Kane, he’s my favorite player but I have 0 hands.

Q: What position do you play?
A: Defense.

Q: Which Hemsworth brother does Isaac look most like?
A: Liam, duh.

Q: If you were deserted on an island with all of Karma, who would do which of the following first:
a) make a fire
b) find fresh water
c) die

A:
a) Isaac, always in control and seems like he use to be a boy-scout.
b) Derek, seems on top of all things water after bringing a bag of ice to the first game.
c) No one! Karma would make it out together!

Q: What inanimate object would you like to be and why?
A: A boat. Always a good time and good weather.

Q: What number do you wear and why?
A: 19. So many good players but loved Joe Sakic and the Avs growing up.

Well there you have it folks. Our newest recruit who aspires to be a boat and eats ice cubes for dinner. Florida really fries your brain.

Welcome to the league Kevin and best of luck this season! Tune in next week(?) for another round of “Meet the Rookies”.

by Glnzr

Third Star

MDF (Meredith) Butchers. In 2007, this punk rock kid went onto the org, saw the Battledome, messaged $h0wT!m3 and asked to play for the Rehabs. Hector said sure…and was pretty shocked when MegaDeath2097432 was a girl. While now former women college, pros and even Olympians litter BTSH, Meredith was first woman to dominate on the blacktop. With being first, comes an earned Diva mentality that allows her to tell Georgine when she feels like playing. Sunday she felt like playing and scored (what I was told by her) an awesome goal against deLasey, leading the Butchers to a shootout victory.

Second Star

Larry Mega. If MDF was the first, Larry is the Inception. Larry has been in BTSH probably before BTSH even existed. The only player who may be older than Gil, Larry plays solid D every game and plays 20-years-younger than his actual age. Every once in a while the ol’ man still shows us kids how it’s done, as down 3-2, Larry fired a shot past Greenwald, to help propel Mega to a comeback victory. I would have actual facts about Larry but Julie answered my DMs and texts with “follow the restraining order, Glanzer!”

First Star

Alex Lbs. The following is a story of redemption. The 2019 season ended when Alex failed to score in a pitchblack shootout attempt. He had to sit on that L for almost a year and a half. Yesterday, Fuzz took a seemingly commanding 2-0 lead early, and it looked, and felt like the Lbs. were toast. But just like Greg Jennings, Alex put his team on his back and scored the next two goals. He of course failed miserably in the shootout, but his use of Annie over rostered Liz showed he’s not just a physical specimen, he’s also diabolical and will stop at nothing for victory. 
Participation Trophy Shoutouts: None, Cat returns next week.