Week 5 – Game Previews, Part 1
April 24th, 2013
LBS at What the Puck
1:00 pm, East Court
by Eli “Give Me Five Bees for a Quarter” Kazin
Back when Derek and I ran the website, a time Dave Ladanyi refers to as the Golden Age of BTSH editorial content, we assigned a watchability rating to each game.
If you aren’t familiar with the watchability rating, or don’t recall it all that well, just go ask Eric Devlin about it. He was probably the biggest fan of this system that the BTSH universe was overwhelmingly clamoring for, which ranked games on a scale of 1 (not watchable at all) to 5 (can’t miss). If the watchability scale was still used, this game would get a rating of 5 Limonics, Wachtells, Capotostas, Vrooms, Starks, Malguarneras, or the pluralized last name of any other player we might want to give a token mention. Of course, that player’s last name couldn’t end in an “S”, as that made pluralization quite difficult. Sometimes, we’d even throw in the pluralized version of a nickname, like Mad Dogs or Alpha Males, as a minor deviation from the norm. Man, I’m getting nostalgic for the old watchability scale.
But back to the point…this game is going to be good. I’m giving it to the defending champs in a taut defensive battle.
LBS, Inc. 2, What The Puck 1.
Cobra Kai at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Brad Paisley” Glanzer
Butchers at Gut Rot
3:00 pm, West Court
In their first year the Butchers were seen as “Gut RotGetting Serious”. They’d still represent at the bar but they were all business on the court and even somewhat douchey. The recruitment of agitators like Arnold and Georgine only served to cement that reputation. But fast forward a couple of years and the Butchers have grown to resemble their progenitors. Double B, Creamy and Co. seem more concerned about perfecting their ZZ Top tribute band than putting up “W”s these days. Meanwhile, inspired by not finishing last in the league in 2012, a fired up Gut Rot squad has been playing hard, kicking ass and taking names. Tommy is a scoring force, Worky is sporting a Mark Messier half-tough/half-crazy glare at the start of every game and even Mary is throwing gang signs on the sidelines.
BTSH experts predict it’s only a matter of time before these two teams merge to form a street hockey behemoth that’s part Jimmy Buffett/part Matt Cooke. In the meantime, look for a close match here. The deciding factor will probably be the previous day’s Charity Tournament. If Rachel Green holds true to form and uses multiple rounds of shots to assist with her fundraising efforts, GR may just have an edge here.
Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins
4:30 pm, West Court
As last week’s writeup showed, the Gremlins are still an unknown force to many in the league. But the veteran core of Ryan, Mark, Caitlin, and Iannis makes them competitive every game. Meanwhile, the Riots have solved the attendance problems that have plagued them in year’s past and are giving teams like the Hookers a run for their money. With Blohme, Frenette and new addition Laura providing some spark on offense, expect TSR to be receiving a lot more press as the season continues.
We’re big fans of Luke’s Leathernecks but we have to give the edge on this one to Amy’s Army.
Riots 3, Gremlins 2.
PS: Somebody watch this game!!
Mathematics at Mega Touch
5:30 pm, West Court
by Monica “Moneyball” Russo
Week 4 Photos
April 23rd, 2013
Week 4 Boxscores
April 22nd, 2013
Rehabs 2, Gut Rot 2 (OT-SO)
Rehabs goals by Bryan Welch & Jeff N. Gut Rot goals by Tom & Scott
The Rotters earn their first point of the season after a scoreless shootout.
What the Puck 2, Dark Rainbows 1
WTP goals by Tom McDonald and Adam Skuse. Dark Rainbows goal by John Nielsen.
WTP refuses to acknowledge that Adams goal scoring cheer “‘Skuse Me” might be slightly racist.
Gouging Anklebiters 4, Filthy Gorgeous 1
Biters goals by Alex Owen (2) & Joe Polowczuk (2). Filthy goal by unknown.
Joe. P breaks out of his scoring slump against a short-benched FG team.
Fresh Kills 4, Mega Touch 1
Kills goals by Ariel Imas (3) & Dave Sokol. Mega Touch goal by Eric Devlin.
A natural hatty for Ariel Imas. Who does he think he is? Georgine?
LBS. 3, Mathematics 2
LBS. goals by Karsten Pichon & Ken Poulin (2). Math goals by Eli Kazin & Sam Norris.
Math lose but Eli’s scoring streak continues. MVP! MVP!
Corlears Hookers 2, Tompkins Square Riots 1
Hookers goals by Gavin Kearny & John Wolff. TSR goal by Fredrik Lund-Hansen.
The Purple People Eaters squeak out a victory against a surprisingly tough Riots squad.
Butchers 2, Gremlins 0
Butchers goals by ben Bloom & Gary Cohen. Shutout by Eric Ramirez.
Ramirez was the only goalie to keep a clean sheet this week.
Denim Demons 2, La Famiglia 1
Demons goals by Jeff Kamen (2). La Famiglia goal by Eric Fortin.
Maybe the Hookers should triple-team Jeff Kamen?
Happy Little Elves 3, Poutine Machine 1
Elves goals by Gil Valdez (3). Poutine goal by Farouk Talakshi.
Gil records a natural hatty too. Glanzer looking to duplicate Mat’s “Norris strategy” by recruiting more Valdezes.
Skyfighters 3, Cobra Kai 1
Skyfighters goals by Robert Kucera, Yehuda Bloom and Olivier Brassard. Cobra Kai goal by Ian Kwok.
Brassard now being referred to as “the Skyfighters Jeff Kamen”.
Week 4 Previews – Part 2
April 18th, 2013
GAME OF THE WEEK
What the Puck at Dark Rainbows
1:00 pm, East Court
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, it’s time for universal BTSH daycare. Yes, Donovan and his pal found ways to entertain themselves last week. But what if Sean really needed that stick? Someone would’ve ended up crying and our money would be on the Dark Rainbows Captain. Meanwhile, Hannah spent the bulk of last week’s WTP game making sure her little guy didn’t make it “Too Many Men” for Orange Crush. He definitely wanted in on the action.
What does all this mean for this week’s game? Distractions, lots of distractions. WTP and the Rainbows are actually very similar teams, so it’s all down to doing the little things right. Winning the battles in the corners. Putting just the right spin on the ball. Stealing “Ginger Balls”‘s phone and texting John Nielsen the wrong game time.
It’s a game of inches between these too and no one will be surprised if this one ends in a shoot out.
Just make sure the OT doesn’t cut into anyone’s nap time, ok refs?
Gouging Anklebiters at Filthy Gorgeous
2:00 pm, East Court
by Bill “It Ain’t easy Being Smooth” Tucker
Felled by the stifling defense of the Gremlins last week, Phil Donahue’s band of fun loving malcontents looks to rebound against the Dirty Beauties. According to the Prestigious Yet Imaginary Records Department of the ORG, the Anklebiters’ Joe “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Last Name” P. has yet to score a goal this season. If he has, ignore this journalistic insight as hangover induced malarkey. The one thing I do know is the Anklebiter’s Ace Bar supremacy. At the post game festivities, expect Craig to say something hilariously offensive, Caroline to draw dirty pictures on trivia score sheets and Courtney “Coco” Butler to smile a lot. The Anklebiters kinda rock like that.
Before they even get to the bar, they face a determined Filthy Gorgeous team still looking for their first victory. Lighting the lamp has been an issue for the Valiant V-Necks so far this season. Despite good team play and the solid goaltending of Dan Owens, 4 goals in 3 games ain’t gonna cut it in a division comprised of the Purple People Eaters, last year’s champs and Romeo’s Raiders. Luckily, Filthy has a bold plan: clone James Periera, who looks to be getting off the snide. Hopefully for Filthy, the procedure is more The Clones of Bruce Lee than Verne Troyer if they hope to topple an Anklebiters squad hungry to avenge a loss of their own.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: Zounds! My spot on prediction of last week’s Biters / Gremlins game has shaken me to my core. What combination of mescaline, bleach and Folgers decaffeinated coffee crystals spurred this premonition? To know the future is to limit your options, so I’ll make a completely blind guess this week. No offense to Monica and the rest of the Gorgeous crew, 3-0 in favor of the Biters.
LBS. at Mathematics
3:00 pm, West Court
While we struggle with our own internal conflicts, the defending champs will struggle with figuring out how to get balls past the Mathematics’ 7 foot goalie. Seriously guys, it would take two Seths to make one Will Gahagan. Is that really fair? Not only does the Man Mountain take up a lot of room in net, he’s an effective deterrent against Ken and Karsten’s patented “charge to the net” strategy. LBS will have to rely on secondary scoring from some of their underrated second liners like Ali Chenitz & Jason Bogdaneris. Of course, Math have a few non-Norris weapons up their sleeves as well. Andy Pratt remains an ageless wonder on wing and Brad Schmidt, Adam Langer and “the Lizs”.
In the end, we expect the LBS. age and cunning to edge out Math’s youth and enthusiasm. But it will be close.
Our prediction: LBS 4, Mathematics3 (OT)
Gremlins at Butchers
4:30 pm, West Court
by Abby “Just the Facts” Meistermann
This game finds both teams are fresh off Week 3 wins: the Butchers made mincemeat of the Tompkins Square Riots and the Gremlins gouged the Anklebiters. However, the Gremlins go into this match-up with a -4 goal difference (thanks to Fresh Kills) to the Butchers +1. Gremlins’ goalie, Jamie (Without a roster I’m basing this on the Week 1 box scores.), has his/her (Sorry, still don’t know!) work cut out him/her (Maybe both? That’d be cool.) if Butchers bring the big guns of Revechkis, Greene, McMasters, and Bebeared Ben Bloom . However, Caitlin’s never been one to shy away from a challenge: she’ll be sure to rally Coco (Ed’s note: we’re well aware that Coco has been on the Anklebiters for two years. Apparently no one has told Abby yet), Stripe, and Mark into action. With both teams on the rise and around the same point in the standings, this game should be evenly matched and probably a solid game to watch.
Things to expect: The sequel to this game on July 21, 2013, being hailed as inferior.
Things to hope for: Gremlins being busted for performance enhancing drug use.
Poutine Machine at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, West Court
by Eli “It’s Better Than Doing Homework” Kazin
Week 4 Previews – Part 1
April 17th, 2013
Rehabs at Gut Rot
1:00 pm, West Court
by Monica “I Dreamed a Dream” Russo
Because I’m unwilling to scroll past the first page of the blog, I know only this: last week, both Gut Rot and the Rehabs lost But we never let the facts get in the way of, and the week before, Gut Rot lost but the Rehabs really fucking gave it to Cobra Kai, shutting them out 5-0. I’m annoyed about this, because I’m jealous. My team and I have yet to get a W, and a person can only take so much losing. But I digress. (Ed’s note: the Rehabs actually tied last week. But as a fellow 0-3 Captain we appreciate Monica’s sentiments)
Fresh Kills at Mega Touch
2:00 pm, East Court
Here’s something that’s always bothered us. Fresh Kills are named after a dump in Staten Island. And no one represents for “the Rock” (don’t get excited Eli-Derek-Rich, it’s not a wrestling reference) more than native son, Adriano Bratta. So why isn’t he playing for the blue and white? seriously, it’s like being French Canadian and not playing for Poutine Machine (whenever you’re ready Gabe). We’re sure the emotional strain of betraying his home borough will weigh heavily on the Chairman Emeritus this week. Which means Julie and Eric will have to find some secondary scoring. Will supplementing the Mike and Ikes Diet we previously mentioned with Sweet Tarts and Razzles have the desired effect? It’s a good thing MT newcomer Larry Black has promised to put the entire team on his dental plan. You’re a mensch, Larry.
Meanwhile, MT are also counting on Larry’s presence to confuse their opponents. With Ariel, Eugene and the Sokol brothers all mistaking this game for a 2BHL scrimmage expect a non-stop stream of stick-checking and slapshot calls to plague the Killers. The only player impervious to this deception will be Natasha. But if Larry can rattle her by telling her that Hugh has got in to Julie’s candy stash it’s all over for the favorites.
Tompkins Square Riots at Corlears Hookers
3:00 pm, East Court
by Rich “Schooled in the Classics” Glanzer
OK…so this has all the makings of a pedestrian Hooker victory. But the thing about the Riots is, they are a pretty fun team to watch. They are BTSH’s version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Though this season, they’ve been all Hyde. I’m assuming Hyde is the bad one since he goes last and he’s not a Dr. like my main dude Jekyll is. Jekyll seems legit.
Denim Demons at La Famiglia
4:30 pm, East Court
So if you’re one of the three La Famiglia Captains, you’ve got a quandary this week. Do you wear your red shirts? Knowing full well that the Demons don’t have an alternate color jersey (and you have six)? Is that really the kind of tactic you want to employ against Satan’s Little Helpers?
Well, of course it is. It’s the Demons after all. But Haanwa is much nicer than the rest of us and will probably have the Fam sporting those blue octopus numbers that caused a stir in the fashion capitols of the world last year. Foolish, foolish, Haanwa.
While the Imaginary Italians looked good against the Filthys last week, it’s going to take everything they’ve got to beat a Demons squad that is starting the season with a bang. Even though they tied the Rehabs in their last game, the Levi Lovers are playing with a swagger that hasn’t been seen since the days when they regularly topped the league standings. Even with the Org painting a target on his back, Jeff Kamen is finding the back of the net every week. And if the Fam commits to shutting him down, there’s still Zack Tinkelman and Mike Periera to worry about. It’s clearly time for acclaimed biochemist Dr. Alfred Liu to share the PEDs that he’s been testing on Denis with the rest of the team. Because it’s going to take a team of super-soldiers to get past the Demons this week.
Sky Fighters at Cobra Kai
5:30 pm, East Court
The Camouflage Kids are one of several BTSH teams looking for their first win this week and their defense has been lit up the last couple of games. Things don’t get any easier this week as they face a Sky Fighters squad that has solved their attendance problems and is playing really solid hockey. Our solution? Petition league commissioner to turn this game in to a showcase for “Bootcamp Hockey”. I’m talking barbed wire around the nets, a mud pit in center court and, yes, live ammo. league veterans may think that this sounds like the first season at Corlears Hook but really it could be our version of the now popular “Spartan” runs that are sweeping the nation (and Ant Ventolieri’s Facebook page). I’m assuming that Cobra Kai have all sorts of military training that will give them an advantage here, right? What’s that Gregg? it’s just a fashion choice?
Never mind.
Uh, maybe put an extra guy on Olivier Brassard instead?
