btsh.org

By christo_the_hawk 

Everyone’s favorite and totally not overdone, previews!

WTP vs Fresh Kills

Fresh Kills got their hineys handed to them last week by the dojo. Even though the Colby farm system has plenty of talent, WTP is a well-rostered machine that can’t be stopped. Also Henry is back from being on vacation so WTP’s defense should be pretty solid and we can all see if the love connection between him and Tarny will result in some on-court chemistry.

Actual photo of Hogg, calculating stats, recalibrating reffing rules, and deciding who to poach next.

Prediction: WTP 4 – FK 2

Gremlins vs Poutine

Will Walker give Charlotte an early wedding gift and allow the Poo Crew to sneak an early goal past the Gremlins’ defense? Maybe, but if the usual suspects on the Gremlins show up it’s bound to be a tough game.

Prediction: Erich rolls up his sleeves to score the tying goal (and get rid of his awful farmer’s tan), 3-3 regulation, Poutine gets the win in OT thanks to their psycho offensive line.

Hookers vs Rehabs

With a stacked schedule the first few weeks it’s tough to be a hooker, but that’s life. Rehabs didn’t score as much as I thought they would last week but if Sena comes back and everyone snorts the same pre-workout Hicks uses I’m sure they will be hyped and hungry for goals.

Prediction: Cro shows up to actually play instead of shuffling around the courts in a Tommy Bahama shirt but it’s still not enough and the hookers get pounded, 4-1 Rehabs.

Math Rot vs Rainbows

Facing off twice in their division last year, Gut Rot and Rainbows each took home a win, and Math vs Rainbows was a bit of a blow out (thanks to 3 goals from an ex-math member). This new combo might result in a close game.

Prediction: Legally, I cannot make a prediction about my own team. We both win and we all hug. Go complain about it in the comments.

Filthier vs Lbs

Another good 1st division match up, even though Lbs won last week it was by the skin of their teeth. These two should be pretty evenly matched, both with a lean team and making use of skilled subs. Ann might still be flying high from the Islander’s victory and unleash a flurry of goals in the final minutes of the second half, but with Zisser being a far more competent goalie than the Bruin’s empty net, the goals will not come easy.

Prediction: 3-2, Filthy wins in the final minutes of regulation.

Butchers vs Cobra Kai

Did you guys know Liam scored 3 goals last week? Liam is really good. I’m saying Liam’s name a lot because apparently the media needs to name drop more according to my anonymous source on Cobra Kai. Liam Liam Liam. Now that that’s out of the way, I think this new-ish Butchers team could give the dojo a run for their money. Apart from LJ and Sienna, CK is hurting for some female talent due to various absences this season. 

Prediction: The bad guys win, 3-1 CK.

Mega Touch vs Sky Fighters

Having just played Mega, they definitely don’t go down without a fight. Sky Fighters might start out a bit soft with this being their official first game thanks to a bye last week but they could also be hungry to play…and win.

Prediction: Mega wins 2-1, but Emily beats everyone in a push up contest after.

Karma vs Demons

Karma has a lot of new talent in addition to their long-time solid players. They’re used to playing with each other, have solid scorers, and a few almost-Chadwick-sized players. Keep an eye out for a sparky new guy on the Demons named Jeff—he’s talented and will be the one physically trying to knock everyone over. 

Prediction: Karma wins 4-2, Chadwick activates his juggernaut powers and the demons’ players bounce off of him like gnats.

Live shot of Chadwick standing on the sidelines of a previous game.

Ankle Biters vs Fuzz

Fuzz has a new crop of ball hockey ringers on their team and the Biters came out flat against the Rehabs last week. Let’s all cut newly-engaged Probie some slack since he was feeling the love and celebration vibes. I’m anticipating a tougher game this time around but old school talent vs men’s league pro players does not bode well for a fair fight.

Prediction: A physical game with a lot of turnover but Fuzz wins 2-0.

By Dingle McCringle

Now that our season is officially back, we can continue the wonderful tradition of hazing introducing our shiny, new rookies to the rest of the league.

We kick off this year’s segment of “Meet the Rookies” with Florida Kevin, aka Kevin. I sat down (texted) with Florida Kevin and asked him some hard-hitting questions that he had equally hard-hitting responses to. Away we go…

Q: Florida Kevin, where are you from?
A: Boca Raton, FL.

Q: What’s your favorite form of ice cube?
A: Tijuana flats ice is the best for chewing but love just a standard cube for drinking water. Then obviously a nice sphere for some whiskey.

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it be?
A: Barkov, smart hard working 2-way player. (Mostly wanted to name a Panther that people know).

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it NOT be?
A: I’ll say Patrick Kane, he’s my favorite player but I have 0 hands.

Q: What position do you play?
A: Defense.

Q: Which Hemsworth brother does Isaac look most like?
A: Liam, duh.

Q: If you were deserted on an island with all of Karma, who would do which of the following first:
a) make a fire
b) find fresh water
c) die

A:
a) Isaac, always in control and seems like he use to be a boy-scout.
b) Derek, seems on top of all things water after bringing a bag of ice to the first game.
c) No one! Karma would make it out together!

Q: What inanimate object would you like to be and why?
A: A boat. Always a good time and good weather.

Q: What number do you wear and why?
A: 19. So many good players but loved Joe Sakic and the Avs growing up.

Well there you have it folks. Our newest recruit who aspires to be a boat and eats ice cubes for dinner. Florida really fries your brain.

Welcome to the league Kevin and best of luck this season! Tune in next week(?) for another round of “Meet the Rookies”.

by Glnzr

Third Star

MDF (Meredith) Butchers. In 2007, this punk rock kid went onto the org, saw the Battledome, messaged $h0wT!m3 and asked to play for the Rehabs. Hector said sure…and was pretty shocked when MegaDeath2097432 was a girl. While now former women college, pros and even Olympians litter BTSH, Meredith was first woman to dominate on the blacktop. With being first, comes an earned Diva mentality that allows her to tell Georgine when she feels like playing. Sunday she felt like playing and scored (what I was told by her) an awesome goal against deLasey, leading the Butchers to a shootout victory.

Second Star

Larry Mega. If MDF was the first, Larry is the Inception. Larry has been in BTSH probably before BTSH even existed. The only player who may be older than Gil, Larry plays solid D every game and plays 20-years-younger than his actual age. Every once in a while the ol’ man still shows us kids how it’s done, as down 3-2, Larry fired a shot past Greenwald, to help propel Mega to a comeback victory. I would have actual facts about Larry but Julie answered my DMs and texts with “follow the restraining order, Glanzer!”

First Star

Alex Lbs. The following is a story of redemption. The 2019 season ended when Alex failed to score in a pitchblack shootout attempt. He had to sit on that L for almost a year and a half. Yesterday, Fuzz took a seemingly commanding 2-0 lead early, and it looked, and felt like the Lbs. were toast. But just like Greg Jennings, Alex put his team on his back and scored the next two goals. He of course failed miserably in the shootout, but his use of Annie over rostered Liz showed he’s not just a physical specimen, he’s also diabolical and will stop at nothing for victory. 
Participation Trophy Shoutouts: None, Cat returns next week.

In true redemption arc fashion, after tying 2-2 in regulation and a scoreless overtime, Lbs beat Fuzz in a shootout with a goal from Joel.

On the other side of the court, a heated Demons v Gremlins game saw some ejections (reminder to be nice to the refs, people) but the Gremlins came out on top thanks to goals from Erich, Rockoff, and Marcella.

Rehabs swept the Biters 3-0 and Hicks had his first goal of the season assisted by Mo. Ramirez got the first shutout of the 2021 season.

Karma also swept the Riots 6-0 thanks to 2 goals from Derek, 1 from Brianna, 1 from Corey, 1 from an un-retired Chadwick (spare us the dramatics) and 1 from newcomer Florida Kevin!!!—and Steve notched a shutout for a true team effort. The Riots said “nobody got hurt!” and “Anna and Jen did great!” (Riots newbies).

Mutt Rot struck first but the machine that is Poutine came back with 2 goals thanks to Jack (in a cold blooded rage) and Pags.

Butchers vs Hookers went to 4 rounds of shootouts, knife-pigs took the W. Shoutout to Meredith for that sweet inbound clapper.

The Dojo had their shining star Campbell back in net for the weekend and beat a depleted Fresh Kills 6-2. (or maybe 5-2, someone correct me I was playing during this game).

Rainbows fell to Mega 6-3 after a back and forth first half. Tash and Courtney played the entire game for Mega with no subs so in the spirit of feminism remember to thank your female team players for being generally awesome, you guys.

What The Puck proved they’ve earned their 2nd division spot, beating Filthier 2-0 and Ed closing a great first day of the season with a shutout.

Thanks to everyone for coming out and making it a great opening weekend! Extra big thanks to the refs, captains, openers, and closers for making it all run smoothly.

written by JW

Well, none of us have any idea who the hell is left on what team, or who instead decided to move to Antarctica, but here we go…

Denim Demons vs. Gremlins

Ok, I do know that the Demons got a new goalie this season. I met him at the free agent scrimmage, and can attest that he is a nice guy and a solid goalie. They also added at least one skilled forward. Other than that, I can’t say if Popack is just camped out outside Boston Garden for every Bruins game, or if she will be in attendance on Sunday. 

Conversely, the Gremlins will not have Jamie in net, as he apparently joined the Canadian Royal Mounted Police. We wish him well in his new venture, but this will surely make this a tougher matchup for the Grems. The Gremlins have added new players as well, though, so only time will tell. 

While I do not care about my birthday, BTSH finally returning is the greatest birthday gift I could ever receive. Sadly, Tracy, I will not be able to celebrate with Fudgie The Whale, nor Cookie Puss, this year.  

Prediction: Jamie returns from Canada just in time to suit up for this game, and it tops BTSH returning as the greatest birthday gift I’ve ever received. (Ok, that is less of a prediction and more my wishful thinking.)

Fuzz vs. Lbs, Inc.

This rematch of the (incredibly asterisked) 2019 final likely involves some type of absurd bet between Rich and Alex where the loser has to go streaking through the quad (Zisser will do so regardless of who wins or loses). But more importantly it involves the UNretirement of legendary goaltender and the only BTSHer left who was born in 1800s, Coach. Coach and Tim are going to split time in net for Fuzz this season, and while I actually have no idea which one of them is playing this game I had to mention Coach’s triumphant return. Hmm, it also just occurred to me that I am curious what the inevitable wager between Boylan and Rich will be…

Prediction: Zisser doesn’t actually go streaking through the quad after the game, but instead just starts the game buck ass naked.

Gouging Anklebiters vs. Rehabs

Craig is back, that I know. Hopefully Phil and Amy are too. Probert has brought some young talent to the Biters in recent years and it has paid dividends. They’re a cohesive and skilled team who still always put fun ahead of hockey, the BTSH way. 

As for the Rehabs, I remember when the Rehabs were Blandi, Kehoe, MDF, Sena, Welch, etc. I don’t know a lot of their newer players, but I know Sena is still here, and presume that Welch is too. I also know that as a team they bring the heat, and can beat any team in the league handily on a good day. 

Prediction: This one comes down to a goaltending battle, as each team has incredible skill between the pipes. Either Sarah M. or Cherie with the game winner in OT. Who you got?

Tompkins Square Riots vs. Instant Karma

I know nothing about what’s new with the Riots, but I do know that Dave GDR is starting his 20th (!!!) year in the league this year. (It would be 21, if last year hadn’t been cancelled.) I could make a joke here that Dave’s tenure in the league is older than some of the new players, but that would be low hanging fruit, even for me. So instead I will just give him big ups for the staying power, and try to learn more about the Riots’ roster for the next preview. 

Instant Karma look very strong this season, and Isaac’s recruiting pool of former ECHL, former NWHL, and current NHL players is going to be difficult to contend with for any team. Steve is always solid in net, and the whole team is a friendly and skilled bunch. But we still miss Nicole and Chadwick. 

Prediction: Karma know how to party, and know how to light the lamp. They’ll be doing both, in reverse order, this Sunday. 

Mutt Rot vs. Poutine Machine

The big story of this season is the only team merger, that of Gut Rot and Mathematics. Both teams lost a few members, and had many members with uncertain attendance this season, so Diane and Zach decided to join forces. Makes sense, right? (Oh…they’re married, for you new jacks.) These two teams get along incredibly well off the courts, but will they gel together on the court? That remains to be seen. But also it doesn’t really matter because BTSH is only like 10% about hockey. 

Hmm, but they are playing against a team who seems to think that BTSH is 90% about hockey. Interesting dichotomy, here. However, the real story of this game is that McGinty is playing against his old team (or, umm, half his old team?). Having left Mathematics for Poutine after the 2019 season, his first game with Poutine is a (coincidental?) matchup. Will he remember which net to shoot at? (Maybe.) Will he shotgun beers and do push-ups both before and after the game? (Yes, definitely.)

Prediction: Poutine win, and really care about it. 

Butchers vs. Corlears Hookers

I do not know much about the Butchers’ roster for this year, but I am not even sure they know? I do know that Tim Burke is back (hmm, I am sensing a theme that I only know about the goalies), and I know that Rachel, Arthur, Georgine, Pete D. are back in action. I mean, they’ll probably have enough players. All of us will PROBABLY have enough players…..right?

As for the Hooks, Lee has moved to New England but will apparently still be commuting in for every game. I assume Danilo is still on the Hooks so we’ll keep an eye on the Danilo vs. Arthur matchup in this one. 

Prediction: The various shades of maroon and purple jerseys all blend together and no one knows what’s going on. 

Dark Rainbows vs. Mega Touch

It’s no secret that these are two of my favorite teams. But I’ve long belabored that point, and I keep forgetting that we may actually have new readers this year, yet even they won’t wanna hear it. So let’s instead start with some basics for the new people. The Rainbows are the pink team. Mega are the gray team. Go hang out with the Rainbows if you want someone to be nice to you (Tia), if you want cute dogs, and if you want bad pizza (is Baker’s even still open? Let’s hope not.). Go hang out with Mega if you want someone to give you candy (Julie), if you like v-necks and jorts, and if you can appreciate deep and biting sarcasm (Alex). This is all you really need to know. Oh, and apparently Tarny left the ‘Bows this year. But that’s a story for another game preview…

Prediction: The new people flock to watch this game. All they heard was “candy”. 

Cobra Kai vs. Fresh Kills

It’s been so long that I forget what everyone even looks like, and who people are. I am going to assume that “LJ” is former NFL defensive end Lawrence Jackson, and that Will “Green” is the team’s mascot, based on their team color? One thing no one can forget is Russell’s chirps. I’ve been hearing mixed stories about whether Campbell is back, but if he is it won’t be easy going for Fresh Kills.

For FK I heard a rumour that Meg is bringing in some Colby talent. I know that Ariel is still around and up to his old tricks. Is Gabe’s daughter enough to play yet? This pandemic certainly made it feel like that much time has passed. 

Prediction: In terms of actual hockey skill and a tight matchup, this could be the game of the week. But more importantly: someone please shut Russell up. 

What The Puck vs. Filthier

Has anyone in BTSH history ever poached more players than Hogg has? I mean this guy is a bigger headhunter than Dave St. Jules’ shot (like 3 people get this joke). First it was Ed, and now this year Becca and Tarny. Before we know it every player in the league will be on WTP and WTP will have no other teams to play against. Hmm, wait, then every player in the league would win a championship. How did we never think of this before?? Speaking of Ed, will fatherhood slow him down at all? Will it even matter with Hogg and Tarny each averaging like 3 points per game?

When it comes to scoring a lot, Filthier is a name that comes up often. I saw Danielle scouting at the free agent scrimmage, so I guess they have still yet to figure out a way to clone Suvin. Despite that, I am going to venture a guess that they still have that scoring knack. Also, as long as Tim K. can remember how to play without rollerblades they’ll have strong goaltending. 

Prediction: Ann and James take a break from being the face of Islanders’ televised broadcasts to make an appearance on opening day.