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Here we go, folks. Time for the rubber to hit the road. 16 teams enter, 1 team leaves (well, technically we all leave to go to home but you get the point). Let’s dive in!

1) Vertz vs 16) Gremlins 

Jess: I’m just gonna leave Walker’s favorite meme here…

Russo: I’ll recuse myself from this write-up. But just putting it out there BTSH, you let the Vertz get hot ?

Glnzr: Jamie will need a MasterClass to eliminate the Vertz. It ain’t happening. But I also don’t think it will be a massacre. 4-0. 

2) Mega v 15) Karma

Jess: This might be the only real wildcard of the play in winners v top 4 teams. When Karma and Mega met earlier this year, Julie had a nonexistent roster and was able to canvas for subs throughout the blacktop, somehow defeating Karma 3-1. This time around will be much harder for Mega, whose record against other d1 teams this year is 0-2. I think Karma has an all around slight edge here. 

Russo: Gonna have to disagree with you on this one, Jess. Having won four one-goal games—even though it feels like many more—Mega’s defensive structure is suffocating. Karma’s forwards have to run through the girl-power gauntlet that is Shelly, Tash, Courtney, Cara, and Julie. Versus a more wheel-and-deal team, Karma has a better chance. But here, I don’t think Derek, AK, and the rest of the squad are able to generate enough offense to snag the victory. 

Glnzr: I’d love to know who is playing for both. Assuming all attend. As I told Tash yesterday in our first ever private text exchange!! I think she will lose. AK/Derek are the top 2 players playing. But the real key is Kittridge. He’s relentless. I’m not sure he isn’t just a bot programmed to run and look angry. I’d pay millions to see a picture of him smiling.* Reluctantly, Friedman is a good goalie. As for Mega…

They have some good guys on the team as well. No one knows who they are but I think three of them are named Jeff. One is a Dr. Their goalie Mike has had some impressive playoff games, though they all end up in losses (Loss to FK in shootout in 2011, loss to Rehabs in 2019). And as great as their girls are, Karma’s are prob top 4-5 (Vertz/Mega both great, Hookers 3rd). So I just don’t like the matchup here for Mega. I see a tough 2-1 loss ending their historic season and a much needed rule to the playoff structure next season. Be proud Julie, you never thought you’d see the day where Mega is a contender. 

*Will not pay one damn cent

Jess: Tash, if you’re reading this you can block him.

3) Fresh Kills v 14) Butchers 

Russo: It took Butchers everything they had to pull off the 1-0 win on Sunday vs. Agents. Sunday, they’re playing a juggernaut in Fresh Kills who are looking to repeat as PBR Champions. Corey’s been a rock in net, George took home the crown for most goals this year, and got Hogg mid-season to add an even bigger punch. Butchers would need an early Christmas/Hanukkah miracle to win but we’ll get a true gauge of what a D1 vs D4 matchup looks like. 

Jess: Actually, maybe this is the stop stop he’s already dead meme game. FK lost Louis to injury and Meg isn’t getting flown in by Big Bucks Gabe this year but like you’ve said, they’re a juggernaut. 

Glnzr: Maddy is the key to this game. If she can singlehandedly stop all the great FK players, and score 9 goals herself, they have a chance not to use the meme that Jess should have waited to use on this game, and only lose by 5-6. I’d also like to take this time to say Rachel G. is very pretty. And for the love of God Chadwick, if Gabe is at your point don’t leave him open! Stop following the damn ball!

Jess: I SAID I MADE A MISTAKE WITH THE PREMATURE MEME USAGE. Also, no pressure, Maddy. 

4) Lbs v 13) WTP

Russo: With Frey out for the year, that leaves a big hole on D for Lbs.. BUT, for this game, I don’t really see that being a problem—talk to me in the Elite 8. WTP has struggled to find consistent scoring this season outside of McCauley and Yehuda. They squeaked past the 20th-ranked team last week but this looks to be the end of the road for orange. I predict a hat trick for Lbs. and a shutout win for Zisser. 

Jess: I think Casca is going to make this game hard for the Lbs and they’ve had some attendance troubles the past few games. As much as I love an upset I’m inclined to agree with you, but let’s hope it’s a closer game. 

Glnzr: The Lbs. might let WTP hang around but they have no shot to win. Find a Yehuda meme from D5 and stick it in here bc the Lbs. cruise, 3-0. 

5) Hookers vs 12) Anklebiters

Jess: The Hookers have finished 2nd in the 2nd division while Biters have maybe bit off more than they can chew this season. The two teams’ record against each other is 1-1, with a 1 goal lead in each game. I think this really comes down to who shows up. I feel like I’ve been at the courts a few times this year where the Hookers are going into OT or generally looking like they’re going to lose but manage to surmount a comeback. It seems only fitting for this game to go into OT. I still think playoffs probie is the X factor the biters need to win it. 

Russo: After finishing second in D2 this season, Hookers might have been expecting an easy one going into the Round of 16. Nope, they get the Anklebiters. Not the 2021 or 2022 version of the Gougers, but still…Probie’s gonna Probie. Biters are definitely a bit more top-heavy on offense with Probie, Jared, and Mike accounting for most of their goals this season. While Hookers had 21 different goal scorers this season—but nobody with more than four. I also see this being an ankle nail biter but Hookers pull off the W. 

Glnzr: This is going to be a great game. Top talent and goalie goes to the Biters, while women and depth are big W’s for the Hookers. The Hookers deserve to win, they have been the more consistent team, but I think the Biters are going to pull this one out 4-3. 

6) Sky Fighters vs 11) Filthier 

Russo: This one should be fun. It’s not dissimilar to Hookers/Biters where you have a more balanced team (Sky Fighters) vs. a more offensively top-heavy team (Filthier). For me, this comes down to attendance. If Filthier have a full lineup, we’re gonna see a very tired Mo and Jake huffing oxygen on the sidelines. I’m calling an upset here and giving the edge to Filither, 5-3 (EN). 

Also shoutout Cam for his league-leading 6 shutouts this season for Sky Fighters (+ 3 more as a FA for 9 total!!)

Jess: Sky F’s have had a continual glowup over the years and I don’t see Filthier putting a stop to a decent playoffs run. They have a great combo of newer ladies and gents who can score but the vets like Hopper, Greg, and Mia know how to get it done. While their offense might be evenly matched, I think Filthier is lacking in the defense department compared to Sky Fighters. I think Sky Fighters win this by 1 in regulation.

Glnzr: Having just played and reffed Filthier, I have to say they are an underrated team. I didn’t notice any weak links and I think they are just more balanced than SF. If everyone shows for the SF, that’s disastrous as Wes and Stern need to play every other shift. My brain says Filthier but my gut says SF. Sadly for Richie…I haven’t been doing my crunches so I’m going to go with my gut and say 3-2 SF.

7) Poutine vs 10) Fuzz

Jess: presented without comment, this southpark character. If you know his name, great. If not, you’re missing out on a good joke. Suuuuper random reminder to be nice to the refs! Anyways. This is a tough one but since Poutine let me mercilessly troll them with the ‘f*ck’ addition to Simon’s poutine tattoo earlier this year, I will root for them.

Russo: I’d like to name this game the Sleeveless Bowl. Poutine—whose jerseys are generally being tank tops vs. Rich “Hero” Glnzr and his refusal to wear sleeves in any situation.

Probably the biggest critique of Fuzz this year has been their inconsistency in net. Channeling the 2019 Philadelphia Flyers (obscure NHL goalie stat here), Fuzz have used six different goalies this season. But they’ve gotta pick one for playoffs and Dave GDR gets the call. I have personally been victimized by a GDR Playoff Robbery at Moffo (RIP) and it is a sight to see. But Captain Mikey has Poutine firing on all cylinders heading into playoffs and I expect them to get a quick jump on Fuzz and not look back. Prediction: Poutine 3, Fuzz 2. Sorry Rich.

Glnzr: Jess, Scott won’t be there but let me quote the Bible, “Scottih made a mistake but is actually a really good guy when you get to know him. Let’s go Mets, Let’s go Elves, Let’s go America.” Also…Jess rooting against Fuzz. How new. I wish I had the video…in the 2018 finals I made a video of the one goal CK scored against us. As Meredith Brooks was singing her iconic song “Bitch” I slowly panned the crowd celebrating their goal and stopped on future ROY Jess, going nuts rooting against us. I’m fairly certain she would root for ISIS against Fuzz. To her credit she took the joke from the old creepy guy in the league well and we are better friends for it. But since she continually roots against me I may have to root for Yehuda in their arm wrestling rematch next year in OC.

Jess: Let the record show Yehuda cheated. Also that video is iconic and I wish I could find it. 

8) Rainbows vs 9) Cobra Kai

Jess: Well, given the fact the last time we played the dojo our goalie slept through his alarm and one of our defenseman played in net wearing a backpack [see photo] and Russ’ ice hockey pads (thx btw Russ) – I think this is going to go a little bit better for us. With Emma in Sweden and Liam out with a broken wrist (feel better!) CK has been weakened but it won’t be an easy game by any means. Unless of course we accidentally get Campbell too drunk the night before at his best friend Henry’s 30th birthday party!!! #goodvibes. Of course I am going to predict my own team to win it in OT, game winner by birthday boy Henry.

Russo: Seems like absolutely no favoritism at play here. Let’s get real Jess, while Rainbows have definitely come a long way from “Let’s pop champagne, we won a game!!”, this is still a D1 vs D4 matchup. In your scenario, a hungover Campbell plays well below his average self. Fine, point for Rainbows. But are you saying Henry—Mr. 30th Birthday Boy himself—isn’t also gonna be pushing the can lady out of the way on his way to hurl? You sure about that? Cobra Kai win, bring out the dancing lobsters.  

Glnzr: Really impressive season by the Rainbows and it sucked there was no media this year to celebrate it. I’m legitimately happy for you but sad that you had to play CK. They’ve made the semis four straight seasons and while we are all sick of seeing them in the semis, their def making it to the QF’s by cruising to a 3-0 win. But hey…cover anyone named Tom’s forehand and don’t worry if they go on their backhand and you may have a chance.

By: Jess, Russo, & Glnzr

We’re back BTSHers.

After an extended time away, your beloved preview writers are back from rehab their year-long break. What’d we miss? 

Let’s give the ol’ typing knuckles a crack and dive in to some delectable play-in games this Sunday

13) WTP vs 20) Bad Seeds

Jess: WTP has had a rough year but I truly don’t see them losing this one, sorry Seeds. They’ve had some close games this season and Casca in net is a huge edge. 

Russo: Hard to argue with Jess. We’ve got the best team* versus the worst team* in the play-ins to start us off. But WTP has struggled to find consistent scoring this year, led by McCauley and Yehuda predominantly. If Bad Seeds can sneak a couple past Casca early, who knows what could happen? 

*loosely based on 17 weeks of “hockey”

Rich: I am a Dave Gil de Rubio Truther. Put a good effort in front of him and he will play well in return. There’s a ton of untapped competitiveness on the Bad Seeds that can make this a game. As long as their vets show the same passion as their kids, this game will be close. I see a 4-1 WTP win but let me tell you, there is definitely a way for the Seeds to steal one here. 

14) Butchers vs 19th) Agents

Jess: I actually think this one could go either way and an overtime would be entertaining. The Agents, when they have their act together, can connect and score. I think there’s like 3 different guys named Jacob on the team who are all good and one of them is up there in league goals. They also played a pretty tight game against Poutine and took the Hookers to OT. The Butchers are scrappy, and while they’ve struggled to beat any teams out of 4th division besides one game vs the Demons, they’ve got solid veterans (Rachel, Art, Brady, Chadwick, Akhil), and talented newcomers in Maddy and Kate. 

Russo: Full disclosure, because of all the Jacobs on The Agents, I have no clue if I’ve been giving the right Jacob(s) the right goals this season. Please yell at the refs for not putting first, middle, and last name on the scoring sheets. 

I think this game comes down to depth and in my humble opinion, the Butchers have more of that. Some of that just comes with the team being around longer and building that nucleus. Agents have skill and I’m excited to see their team grow with a bit of consistency year over year. But right now, I don’t see Butchers losing this one. PROVE ME WRONG, GREEN! (And let me know how many Jacobs you have plz)

Rich: Russo, you can’t call yourself humble. If you give your opinion and say it’s humble, it’s literally not! 

Jess, Ben is not a solid veteran! My God, I’m working with amateurs here. Speaking of amateurs, I don’t see this being all that close. The Jacobs won’t get past the Butchers. I see a 4-0 win. But I’d like to remind the Butchers you did lose to the Rainbows before the pandemic in the playoffs so make sure you come to play. 

15) Karma vs 18) Demons

Jess: Do we have a medic on standby for this game? Karma should win this but not without a fight – literally (note: for legal reasons this is a joke, please do not fight, especially now that Jeff is gone there’s no reason to!!!). It’s the classic really-good-2nd-division-team-gets-moved-up-to-1st-division-where-they-proceed-to-lose-all divisional-games-and-as-a-result-have-a-terrible-record-and-have-to-do-play-ins but DON’T LET THEIR RECORD FOOL YOU. There really isn’t one weak player on the team besides AK, sucks he had to come back. The Demons were hurting a bit this year with the losses of Jeff and Neil (thanks Vertz) but have picked up some big dudes who don’t know the rules about high sticks and stick lifting (they’ll get it eventually I’m sure…) who seem talented. Then we’ve also got DRo and Rubens blasting shots from the point every chance they get. 

Russo: I don’t think you need to hyphenate all that. That’s just a sentence. Anyways, Karma is full of players who decided to move out of state only to realize New York is #1 and are now back. Sup, Derek and AK who I know don’t read these things. But yeah, those two Empire State turncoats pack an offensive punch that’s seldom matched in this league. Demons have had a solid pipeline over the years, but it looks like they’re trending in the wrong direction for this one with a 2024 D4 demotion imminent. 

Jess: Rich is probably googling “what is a turncoat” rn. Also I live for the media solely making sure AK and Derek don’t get too cocky. But Friedman can be cocky because he’s a great tendy. 

Russo: Great hair too. Love ya Steve 😉

Rich: What is a turncoat? Larry, Gil, Walsh and myself all Tea Partied the stupid Brits out of Boson in 1776! Also Karma didn’t lose all their games against top division teams. ?

This is what we call in wrestling a squash match. 6-0 Karma. 

16) Gremlins vs 17) Riots

Jess: To me, these teams are two sides of the same coin: really strong goaltender support with some bad luck in a handful of games this season. The Gremlins started out this season poorly but have gone on a hot streak, winning 4 of their last 5 games. Meanwhile the Riots who seemed like a divisional powerhouse last season only managed to snag 4 total wins this season. Given where things currently stand I’m going to give this one to the Gremlins in a tight game 2-1.  

Russo: Previews are fun, why don’t we do these every week? Actually nvm. Barring any major upset predictions from Glnzr, we’ve picked the favorite team in each matchup to win so far. Not exactly groundbreaking journalism. So let’s shake this mf up. I’m picking the Riots to pull off the “upset” here in a nail-biting OT game. 

Let’s break down the season stats for each team: 

-# of Goals/season: Gremlins, 31 // Riots, 29
-Record: Gremlins, 5W – 9L – 1T // Riots, 4W – 9L – 1T (where’d that missing game go??)
-Top Scorers: Gremlins, Rodney, 6 // Riots, Kevin, 7

It’s only fair that the final score is as close as their stat lines. 

Rich: This game is up to Eric. If the 2015 version who wanted…nay demanded…NAY COMMANDED Gut Rot to finish 12th (by performing the single greatest day in BTSH history, subbing against the teams who were 12th and 13th and winning his own game to jump to 12th, and giving up just 1 goal in the 3 games)l…then the Riots will win. But that Eric was captured and beheaded by ISIS and this new version is here so I’ll go with the best new ref Alison and the Grems, 2-1.

It’s been a while since the last three stars, but after Sunday, there were so many worthy candidates to choose from. let’s begin…

Honorable Mention

while worthy, this did not crack the top 3…

Larry from Mega Touch on his assist. Normally assists don’t merit a star, but Larry’s been around forever, and sometimes we at the media, enjoy throwing players a bone.

THIRD STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his first goal of the season. About time, Larry.

SECOND STAR…

Larry from Mega Touch, on his second goal of the season. Second goal, second star.

and the FIRST STAR goes to…

Larry form Mega Touch on his hat trick. Did you read that correctly? Hell yea, you did. Larry had a hat trick!!!!???

Congrats to all the Stars.

-Completely impartial and anonymous BTSH beat reporter.

PS: Honorable Mention goes to McCauley from WTP who had 4 Goals.

So Mother’s Day is coming up so just use this template to call somebody special because we actually have a little time off to spend if you can. Some of yous may be playing some more hockey and drinkin’ and that’s ok. But take a little time and call or message one of the new mothers at the court that you may not see this Sunday. It would not hurt to drink a few beers before you do. (Sorry Julie)

Much like many other humans will be…..the Media has been replaced by ChatGPT.

An anonymous BTSHer generated these previews using ChatGPT, and sent them to the (former?) Media. (No, it was not me who made these. I am too old to even know what ChatGPT is.) In fact, I have not even read them yet, so hopefully there is nothing offensive in them.

So, without further ado, let’s see what our future robot overlords came up with…


Mega Touch vs. Butchers

Mega Touch wins 5-3. “Mega Touch always reminds me of that time I got a mega donut from Lard Lad. It was so big I couldn’t finish it, just like how Butchers won’t be able to finish off Mega Touch in this match.”

The Bad Seeds vs. Sky Fighters

Sky Fighters win 6-2. “I have a feeling that the Sky Fighters are going to be soaring high after this game, just like that time I flew on a homemade glider with Bart. The Bad Seeds are going to need more than just good intentions to win this one.”

Instant Karma vs. Vertz

Vertz win 4-2. “Instant Karma sounds like the name of a great candy bar, but it won’t taste as sweet when they lose to Vertz. Just like how it didn’t taste as sweet when I ate that spicy chili pepper in Springfield.”

Fresh Kills vs. Filthier

Fresh Kills win 5-4. “Fresh Kills always reminds me of the time I tried to clean the garage, but ended up making a bigger mess. Hopefully, they can keep their act together on the rink and beat Filthier by a goal.”

Poutine Machine vs. Lbs

Lbs win 3-2. “Poutine Machine sounds like something that would be served at Krusty Burger, but it won’t be enough to satisfy Lbs. Just like how I always think I can eat a whole pizza by myself, but end up sharing it with Marge.”

Riots vs. Demons

Denim Demons win 7-5. “Riots always reminds me of the time I caused a riot at the power plant, but the Denim Demons are going to cause their own kind of riot on the rink. It’s going to be a close one, but the Demons will come out on top.”

Dark Rainbows vs. Gremlins

Dark Rainbows win 6-3. “Dark Rainbows always reminds me of that time Lisa’s imaginary friend was a rainbow. But the Gremlins are going to be more than just imaginary opponents. Dark Rainbows will win by a few goals.”

Cobra Kai vs. Corlears Hookers

Cobra Kai wins 4-3. “Cobra Kai sounds like a really cool karate dojo, but it’s actually a team playing hockey. They’ll sweep the leg of Corlears Hookers and win by a goal. Just like how I learned to sweep the floor after Marge yelled at me.”

Fuzz vs. Anklebiters

Fuzz wins 5-1. “Fuzz reminds me of that time I tried to grow a beard, but it just ended up being a little patchy. The Gouging Anklebiters are going to feel a little patchy too after Fuzz beats them by four goals.”

The Agents vs. What the Puck

The Agents win 3-2. “What the Puck is a great phrase that I’m definitely going to use more often. But it won’t be enough for them to beat The Agents. It’s going to be a close game, but The Agents will come out on top.”