btsh.org

The Weekly Previews,

are in Haiku form because

we have writer’s block.

–

Fresh Kills v Mega

Fresh air gives us life

In the megalopolis,

and kills steel by touch. (FK wins 4-2)

–

Agents v Karma

JW: 

I don’t know how to

write a haiku but I do

know Karma will win.

–

Wine tastes great with age

Gents! Don’t drink drive your car—mark

a Lyft when you win. (Karma takes the W)

–

Sky Fighters v What the Puck

What is the blue sky?

The match involves the fighters—

Puck surely must win. (SF wins in OT, 2-1)

–

Demons v Fuzz

Denim beasts won’t lose

If the ball of lint crumbles

Since its house will, too. (Fuzz wins 5-1)

–

Hookers v Rainbows

Dark sage at the core

Leers pensively at the rain

Bows to vi’let tho(ugh)ts. (Hookers win by SO, 3-2)

–

Butchers v Cobra Kai

Knife-pigs and the snakes

This could be a pig bloodbath

Let’s hope Brady scores

Prediction: The Dojo takes the win 4-0.

–

Riots v Filthier

Organized riots

are not at all filthier

than Tompkins’ bathrooms. (Filthier wins 3-1)

–

Biters v Poutine

An old French grandma,

Once bit me on my ankle.

We are now lovers.

Poutine, 2-1

–

Gremlins v Lbs

This jersey matchup,

Reminds me of corn kernels. 

Let’s get it poppin’

Lbs, 6-1

–

Already dead meme

Gremlins will score zero goals

Cover Alex May

Lbs. 8-0

–

Seeds v Vertz

Swirling wind diverts

Good and bad seeds to rich soil,

Which needs to be hot. (Vertz wins 3-1)

–

This week we told the writers f*ck it, NO CONTEXT hockey previews – write whatever pops into your mind about these teams. Some people rambled, some people wrote haikus, some people totally misunderstood the assignment – what will those crazy media kids say next?

What the Puck v Lbs

Where the hell is Phil? They could use Tarnow but he’s probably stuck in Croatia. Avery only owns two hats: outdoor voices and Alo yoga — v pretentious brands for an unpretentious hockey player. 

Lbs win it 5-0.

Rainbows v Poutine

Jess has a black eye.

Even though I saw it happen, I know Poutine did it to her.

Poutine 4-1.

Biters v Lbs

Amy is a fantastic arm wrestler.

Caitlin is not but she loves cats way more than Amy.

Lbs. 5-2

Alex’s last name sounds like the number 3.

There are 3 letters in his team name.

Illuminati confirmed, Lbs win this game.

Riots v Butchers

Riots have two guys named Ian, which I find interesting because I don’t think I know one Ian.

All BTSH-related measurements should be measured in a new unit called, “Chadwicks”. 

Riots 4-2

Hookers v Filthier

I saw Pigozzi play with freshly tatted ink last Sunday #metal

Ellie doesn’t have any tattoos (but an unreliable rumor I just started says she’s going to get the PBR cup put on her face if Filthier wins it all).

Hookers in OT 3-2.

What the Puck v Fresh Kills

Orange is a strangely popular hockey color, and because of other NYC hockey leagues—that will not be mentioned*—seeing Henry wear any color besides orange is weird.

We see more of Ariel with his primary home in Florida than we did with his main home in New York. 

FK 5-3

*Editor’s note: If you’re a woman, please consider signing up for d5 hockey on tuesdays we need less smelly dudes and more girl power

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Every single time I ask Walsh who’s ahead in one of his Fuzz games (and it’s usually Fuzz), he says, “The good guys.” This was kinda funny the first time. Like four years ago or whenever that team started.

Cobra Kai Season 5 on Netflix is also not so funny anymore.

This game goes to a shootout and Brita wins it for The Dojo.

Bad Seeds v Sky Fighters

Was so great seeing so many of the long time BTSH’rs playing for the Bad Seeds last week: Liza, Tommy, Scotty, Zach and Diane…

The Sky Fighters kid line is back from Israel and I think they both just turned 21. One of their fathers played in the league when the aforementioned Seeds showed up more regularly!

Sky Fighters for the W

Gremlins v Poutine 

Allison is a sick drummer – she played in Awesome Color (check them out) – coolest Gremlin by far. A member of Poutine said to me and I quote, “See Jess, we’re a different team now, we respect refs!!!” 

Poutine takes it 6-1.

Rainbows v Agents

Dana Rainbow bought a shot at Doc Holliday’s so I could go to the bathroom in a civilized manner.* Such a selfless act. Others should also do this for me (23andMia)

The Agents’ diverse makeup is fantastic. They have a fellow named Leaf, which is also fantastic.

The Rainbows are more fantastic and take it 5-1

*Editor’s sarcastic note: I’m sure it was really, really hard for Dana to have to take a shot at Doc’s

Demons v Mega Touch

I keep seeing Adam running through our neighborhood. I always yell out but he never hears me. What is he listening to? And does he step on those moths* we’re supposed to kill because they’re eating all our crops?

Alex is a fantastic illustrator and very creative, but not creative enough to talk his team out of choosing shirts that are Rainbow pink.

Mega 3-2

*Editor’s note: Lantern Fly, red and gray speckled, if you see one kill it!!!!

Karma vs. Vertz

JW: Is Karma vs. Vertz the new Karma vs. Poutine rivalry? Does BTSH even have any rivalries left? Also, does Derek Z. even play anymore? Are the Vertz hot or cold right now? Will Nicole ever come back to visit us? Will Hicks have Taco Bell right before this game? I have no idea on any of these, the only thing I do know is that one of these teams definitely needs to be on a color change for this game. 

Prediction: Karma takes this one, 3-2 in regulation. 

Dingle: JW didn’t read the media’s email about no-hockey context previews

Demons v Seeds

Jess: Demons are chihuahuas don’t @ me. “Oh but Jess, why wouldn’t you pick something more intimidating?” Have you ever dealt with a chihuahua? That’s the original hell hound. 

Bad Seeds are the Komondor. Look, I don’t make the rules. But this dog seems pretty laid back, been around for a while, and like they’ve seen some shit.

Chihuahua wins against most dogs due to sheer insanity. Demons take it 3-0.

Butchers v Gremlins

Dingle: This is Gremlins’ first dogged matchup of the day against the alway formidable Butchers. In the first of a few animated dog head-to-heads, Butchers are Kung Fu Phooey because I’m assuming there’s more than a 65% Walker had him on a lunchbox growing up.

Butchers on the other hand are Scrappy Doo. Not the star of the show (unless Scrappy had his own spin-off that I’m not aware of), but still a lovable centerpiece to a storied cartoon series. 

Prediction: Gremmies squeak out a 4-2 win (empty netter by Marcella)

Sky Fighters v Gremlins

23andMia: This is the hypoallergenic battle of the day because neither team is anything to sneeze at. (Someone besides me or JW predict what’s going to happen. Or not, and just admire the cuteness of the labradoodle.)

Dingle: No need to fear…Underdog is here!!! But not actually. Sky Fighters win easily, 6-1

Butchers v Rainbows

JW: I don’t know anything about dog breeds (nor care), but I do know about cartoon dogs. If we went by their name, the Butchers would be Butch the Bulldog, the nemesis of Pluto. But, they really aren’t at all like Butch (and the Rainbows certainly are not like Pluto). The Butchers are more like the Catillac Cats, a ragtag group who……live in a junkyard? Wait, this was supposed to be about dogs…the Butchers are like Santa’s Little Helper, in that they are incredibly loyal to their (Butchers) family. Also they once replaced Duffman as the mascot for Duff beer.

The Rainbows are like Michelangelo in that they are constantly eating pizza (did Baker’s finally close? Man I hope so.), and skateboarding. Wait, also not a dog. The Rainbows are also incredibly loyal to their (Rainbows) family, but I used that already. Ehh, what the hell, it’s true so I’ll use it again – The Rainbows are like Loyal Heart Dog the (famous?) Care Bear Cousin.

The Butchers get their first win of the season, 2-1. 

Bad Seeds v Mega Touch

CATT: thank you to Mega Touch for giving me a reason to research which dog breeds are the most mega to touch (i.e., fluffiest). After much research and thoughtful consideration, I am going to have to say that Mega is an Old English Sheepdog. I think one of the hard hitting articles I read put it best: “Despite its shaggy smiles, the sheepdog is a real worker on a sheep farm, where their herding abilities keep everybody in line.” 

Meanwhile, the Bad seeds dogg-elgänger is so obvious it hurts, no research required: The Tramp. Despite the new name and logo (?Tramp’s collar), many of these players have been around (the league! Sheesh). Plus, I am willing to bet they would share a plate of spaghetti with a cocker spaniel. It all adds up. 

Prediction: I suppose the Tramp would never lose. Sorry Mega, I predict you’ll be outfoxed by the seeds 3-2.

Agents v Poutine

23andMia: Obviously, the Agents are super mutts, so mixed that identifying even one breed is difficult. But they are lovable and you’re never quite sure what you’re going to get!

Poutine is in first place looking back at other dogs. They are the border collie, known for stamina, drive and speed. They are prone to chasing cars and winning. Like against The Agents 5-1.

Fresh Kills v Karma

Glnzr: 2022 Fresh Kills is like the Junk Yard Dog, or JYD. They have all the talent in the world, but have yet to put it all together. Either way, JYD is both dog and wrestling royalty as he made the WWE HOF earlier this century. 

Of course Karma are like the British Bulldogs. While of course Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid were cousins, Karma is all about family with a plethora of siblings playing. 

Sadly, everyone is dead in these photos and I’m now depressed. I imagine both teams will forget to tell the other they each wear blue and everyone will be blue/depressed on Sunday. 

If they play FK wins bc I envision Karma having terrible attendance, 5-1. 

Jess: Rich, you’re fired

CATT: this is insane. We are obviously this dog. Win or lose, we look good.

Demons v Riots

CATT: TIL that Scooby’s full name is Scoobert Doo. Congratulations Riots. You are Scoobert. I bet in your downtime you assist haphazardly with the solving of all manner of whodunit mysteries! But on the courts you’re focused on having a good time and getting some good sprints in to practice keeping up with your owner. Success-adjacent, here for a good time: Scoobert Doo!

Demons are Clifford. Big, red, and slightly terrifying, but ultimately a staple of BTSH tradition. 

(Photo credit to the New Yorker; link if you’re bored: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/clifford-the-big-red-dogs-latest-adventures)

Prediction: gotta give it to big red here. No chance Scooby can go toe to toe with the world’s largest dog! Ruh-Roh. 4-3 demons.

Filthier v Lbs

23andMia: Filthier is the dog who lost a leg when the leg moved to Texas.

Llbs is a high prey dog, like the Samoyed. Being high Frey, I mean prey, they cannot help but hunt. They also have wills of steel. Lb,s 4-2

Vertz v Anklebiters

23andMia: Vertz are the American Eskimo Dog, hailing from the Midwest where it performed in traveling circuses throughout the 19th century. “Eskies” are known for being social and valuing family life.

23andMia: The Anklebiters are the American Staffordshire Terrier: they have an active lifestyle and thrive when kept occupied with physical AND mental challenges. 

Pretty sure one or both would hump your leg. Vertz would stop after being distracted by a treat, but the Biters would grind like there’s no tomorrow. Biters 3-2

CATT: Vertz are the dogs of the ocean: dolphins. It’s on their jerseys. We all know why. 

Fuzz v Hookers

Fuzz:

Hookers

Dingle: No write-up. No predictions. Glnzr requested this to be a Hero appreciation post. 

Hookers 5-4 (*evil laugh*)

WTP v Cobra Kai

Plot twist: This match will be a dog fight (calm down, I mean as in fighter jets a la Top Gun). 

Plot twistier: Both teams are Ice Man. 

Dingle: Playing off the “dog” and “fighting”, WTP are the infamous Red Baron while Cobra Kai are the live-action version of Underdog (I don’t know why I felt the need to include two Underdog references.)

I only know like two people who watched Underdog, and about a million who read/watched Peanuts. So edge to Snoopy/WTP, 5-3. 

Poutine v Sky Fighters

Jess: This will be a fun one to watch. The Sky____Fighters are 3rd in the league with 16 points and Pou Crew is 1st with 18. I’m not expecting the Sky Fighters to go down without a fight but I’d be lying if I said I think they’ll win it. I hope they prove me wrong and hand Poutine their 2nd loss of the season but otherwise I’m thinking 4-2 Poutine.

Glnzr: After many of their players won the OC World Championship, I just can’t see the Sky Fighters losing. 4-1 for Sky. Jess goes back to Ica after her terrible prediction. 

Lbs v Fresh Kills

Jess: On paper (and ice) FK is the better team. But on blacktop the Lbs have better chemistry and skill. Lbs play like a cohesive unit and FK more often than not plays like individual power houses. I see this going to Lbs 2-1— unless Gabe decides to pop off again and score 4 goals or whatever he did the last week of games. Also, isn’t it time to fly Meg back in?

Glnzr: I’ll prob be reffing so I can’t give a prediction. But if I wasn’t reffing I’d say FK really needs to win this. Since Ariel called me after Game 2 of the regular season and told me his team would literally never lose again bc of the 5 ringers they got, they have yet to win against Fuzz or the Lbs. Now The Ringers have names…Marco, Louis (my fav), George…it’s time they take the next step. But the Lbs. are seemingly everyone’s pick to win it all this year. This isn’t October. I expect FK to get over the hump and win a really fun 3-2 win. 

Filthier v WTP

Hicks: WTP just shutout fuzz a week after losing 6-0 to filthier. Meanwhile filthier did their part to keep the vertz ice cold (I said, what’s colder than being cold? The vertz. The vertz are ice cold). I think WTP rides the momentum (or whatever is left of it) from the win 3 weeks ago to pull off the win here and set themselves up nicely for the home stretch. 

Glnzr: Anne, James, Tim K., and Ellie!

Vertz v Fuzz

Glnzr: This is certainly a grudge match for me. After Hicks prima nocta’d Cutler…he never gave her back. This game has been circled ever since. And look…I’m not a monster. There are good people over there. I love Elly. Otis is a great teammate and Jaimie is so much fun at the bar. And though we won’t have anyone good coming, Gil, Walsh and I are going to destroy them. And we are going to show Jack, he picks his BTSH teams like he picks his girlfriend. Poorly. 

Fuzz 10, Vertz 2

Alex: I’ve been told there are good people on both sides, but Rich is not one of them.  I would say Jack’s going to get revenge for that comment about Annie but it’s always a mystery if Jack will show up for a game, unless it’s playoffs in which case it’s obvious he won’t. Hicks told us not to let the Vertz get hot; thus far, the league has listened.  4-3 Fuzz.

Hicks: nothing like banging an ex to get out of a slump. Vertz by 7.

Alex:  Fuzz is the slumpbuster? Def staying to watch this game now.

Bad Seeds v Riots

Dingle: I’m feeling a bit riddle-y this evening, so here’s some Brain Busters for this matchup (Walker, I expect you to get them both right or your trivia card is revoked):

1. Which is the correct kingdom of apple?
   1. Animalia
   2. Protesta
   3. Fungi
   4. Plantae

2. Riddle me this: What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

*Answers at the bottom of the article

Ok, back to hockey. Two teams with inverse records face off as the 7-3 Riots go up against the 3-7 Bad Seeds. Prediction: Look for Riots to cruise to a 5-1 victory.

Karma v Anklebiters

Jess: The Biters have a team dinner this Saturday (read: Congee Village + Karaoke until 4am) so I’m not expecting them to be in the best shape. Meanwhile AK is rumored to be living in his mom’s basement so he may show up, leveling the playing field. Goaltending is going to be tight on both sides but I will give this to a very hungover Biters squad, 3-1. 

Dingle: I spoke with AK’s mom, and can confirm he’s living down there. We She wants him out. Karma has been reeling as of late, but to play a bit of devil’s advocate here, I predict Stevie stands on his head, and Karma WIN, 3-1. 

Gremlins v Mega Touch

Alex: It’s the team with the best women in the league vs the team with the best…70s inspired car logo?  If this was some kind of bizarre nostalgia contest Gremlins would have the edge and Walker would have an erection.  Sadly for him it’s a hockey game so Mega’s likely to win by 3 or more goals.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Dingle: This has all the makings of one of those “Who Can Touch the Car the Longest” competitions based on team names. You know, the ones they used to do in malls a while ago. Or just in TV shows. I dunno, my only knowledge of the 70s is from That 70s Show and the 80s is from Stranger Things. Anywho, I agree with Alex, but if there’s a car on the line, it’s a total toss-up. 

Butchers v Agents
Alex: It’s been a solid first season for the Agents – fun team name, decent spirit, the ever present possibility that Rob will score a goal and rip his shirt off.  Lots of reasons to like them.  Unfortunately, winning hockey games is not one of them.  5-1 Butchers.

Dingle: Unbeknownst to most, there’s a lot on the line in this one. And by a lot, I mean pride. With only four more games left for most teams this season, these two teams are battling for 3rd place in Division 4. While nothing is clinched here, nobody likes finishing last. I predict The Agents to pull off the “upset” here with an OT winner by Gabe. 

Cobra Kai v Hookers

Jim Apple: The league massively underestimates the second division. While Russ casually rides his electric scooter 15ft to the courts every Sunday, folks like Lee are getting to the courts early to do CrossFit (or a spin-off of CrossFit). Prediction: Lee does too much CrossFit and is tired for the game. Cobra Kai 5-3, no empty net. 

Jess: There is the chance for an empty net goal but Russ totally whiffs.

Dingle: That bar weighed a shitload fwiw. Also, jury is still out on the league’s opinion about the commish scootering to the rink from around the corner. Gives off this kind of vibe:

Look for the Hookers to hang around in the first half, but The Dojo pulls away to win it comfortably.

Hornswoggle: I’m late here, but I gotta pour one out for Cro. A personality to everyone, for sure, but given his propensity to rile folks up, I think he would have definitely enjoyed playing this game—top division, some physicality, some chirps, fast gameplay. Opinions on and off the court might have differed from most, but he played for his team and showed it. Get well soon, Cro!

Both squads have similar records, but suffice it to say that Lee and the Hookers need the points more. It’s either a tie for last place or the chance to leapfrog Filthier for a promotion, and every team in the second division is chomping at the bit knowing that any team can go anywhere. The Dojo can play for pride staying in the division, and though this match may seem lower on the difficulty level, resting on their laurels is not an option as the season rapidly concludes. Plus playoff position is critical for any team looking for a long run.

Hookers valiantly battle but fail to score more than the opposition, 5-3 Dojo.

Demons v Rainbows

Jess: I am personally inviting Jeff’s girlfriend to this game so he will be forced to play nicely.

Alex: If you think that’s going to make Jeff play nice, you’ve clearly never been in Jeff’s bedroom.

Jess: Just when I was happy to have you back writing previews you’ve made me regret everything. PREDICTION Rainbows continue their win streak and nobody gets slashed because we are all good people at heart, 3-2 OT. 

Dingle: Prediction, people are going to get slashed. 

ANSWERS to Seeds/Riots Preview: 1. D, Plantae // 2. The Boston Flea Party

By Christo and Dingle

We (your Media Overlords) decided to give the media team a little recess until after Labor Day. So we’re throwing it back to when we used to do Previews in the format of ‘What [insert weird category] is your team’ in lieu of real hockey previews!!!

Biters v Cobra Kai

I’m solely picking the Biters’ ice cream because of their team name. And for that reason, they’ve been dubbed the Lick-a-Color. Probably the most want-to-bite frozen treat out there. Who really wants to wait for it to start dripping on your hand before seeing all the colors within. 

Cobra Kai, on the other melted hand, are the oldie but goodie Ice Cream Sandwich. Is it the most colorful, innovative, flavorful ice cream out there? Nope. But it’s an ageless classic that, like Cobra Kai, understands how to get it done. Well-rounded (I realize it’s a rectangle) and delicious—exactly how Russ describes his team.

Prediction: Biters 2 CK 1

Gremlins v Demons

The Demons are obviously a Screwball. Seems like a good idea at first but by the end of it your tongue is numb from trying to get to the gumball at the bottom that’s so frozen you almost break your jaw – just a total mess and nobody’s having a good time!!

The Gremlins are Snoopy – a classic that’s maybe not the most exciting but those who like Snoopy just get it. It’s not usually anyone’s first choice but it can prove to be delicious.

Prediction: 2-2 OT Demons take it in a lolshootout.

Filthier v Vertz

Vertz are def the most twisted of ice creams in the ever-polarizing Creamsicle. I’ll let your disgusting minds make the jokes here, but it’s some people’s favorites and others’ absolute last choice…just like the Vertz. Filthier are a more traditional, chocolate-based ice cream—The Klondike Bar. “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” No. More like, what would you do for the PBR Cup? 

Prediction: Vertz 3 Filthier 2. Don’t let the Vertz get hot. Again.

Rainbows v Bad Seeds

Bad Seeds are another classic, the Bubble Play. Very tasty, hits the spot, but also kind of niche and isn’t bankrupting small children’s allowance everywhere. The Rainbows are the Bubble Gum Swirl, sometimes forgotten about but a crowd pleaser nonetheless. An anecdote from my personal life that nobody asked for: my younger brother’s 2 favorites were Bubble Play and Bubble Gum Swirl. But ultimately Bubble Gum Swirl started to win out, as the Bubble Play was a bit overhyped and a plain cherry ice pop with a gumball that loses flavor in 2 seconds is not as fun to eat as actual bubble gum flavored ice cream.

Prediction: Rainbows take it 2-1 towards the end of regulation.

Fresh Kills v Hookers

Going out on a limb here and naming Le Fresh Kills Maple Taffy in honor of their Canadian heritage. Mind you, 1) I’m 90% sure Canadian ice cream trucks don’t sell this and 2) the only reason I know this is Canadian is because of an episode of Parts Unknown. But we digress! It’s on a stick and it’s dessert, so it is decided. Hookers are Strawberry Shortcake because if I was a hooker, that would be my name (this is Matt not Jess writing this, full disclosure). Also, not sure if anyone else has this memory with these, but the wood from the popsicle stick always seemed to come through in the strawberry flavoring. It’s like 50% strawberry, 50% wood. 

Prediction: FK 4 Hookers 2

Poutine v Riots

Poutine are a Snickers bar because that’s exactly what they’re doing from the top of the standings…snickering. Don’t think too many BTSH pundits had Poutine tied for 1st in the league (s/o Skyfighters as well) about 3/4 through the season. We’ll keep it in the branded Candy Corporation world with Riots as a Crunch Bar. Another solid—yet slept-on—option and with Riots only two points behind the league leaders, we’ll leave it up to the viewers to decide who wins this showdown in the comment section.

Prediction: Poutine 4-2 *You really thought the Media Overlords would let you decide the outcome. HA!

Fuzz v WTP

Fuzz is the King Cone. Been around for fucking ever, reigns supreme on the ice cream truck, and yet nobody really likes it. But it’s destined to be at the top for quite some time. WTP is the choco taco, a zany staple loved by many with a fast rise to stardom, only to be discontinued this year.

Prediction: Fuzz 3, WTP 1.

Sky Fighters v Agents

Here we have what seems like a metaphor for an evolution of ice cream. The Agents are the Push Pop. The Push Pop is if “i’m baby” was an ice cream. Young and new on the scene, not yet ready to compete with the show stoppers – but still delicious! Sky Fighters are the Cyclone. A powerful (seriously those things are thick and filled with sugar) popsicle that often surprises ice cream purveyors with how tasty it is.

Prediction: Sky Fighters 4, Agents 0. 

Lbs v Instant Karma

Going solely off the team name again for this one, but Lbs are the Good Humor Birthday Cake Dessert Bar. I googled “Highest Calorie Ice Cream Bar” and this was number one. Also, this has Scotty K written all over it. After much consideration, I’ve awarded Karma the Sno Cone. You really never know what you’re gonna get with a Sno Cone. If the ice is too frozen and/or there’s not enough syrup, you’re essentially gnawing on a frozen, flavorless snowball. But if there’s loads of syrup and the ice is perfectly shaved, it’s hard to find a more refreshing summer treat. It’s been a tale of two Karmas this year. When they’re on, they’re on. But when they’re not…frozen snowball. 

Prediction: Lbs 5 Karma 2

Mega Touch v Butchers

The Butchers are Tweety.  Another classic but sometimes looks like a bit of a mess when you compare the actual ice cream to its packaging (talk about expectations vs reality am I right folks?!)

Mega is the Klondike Oreo Sandwich. Pretty powerful and definitely favored ahead of some of the classics but it’s not going to sell out on a hot day.

Prediction: Mega 3 Butchers 0.