btsh.org

By Glnzr

So this was the hardest week to ever do the 3 Stars. So many Hat Tricks including Roberts on his birthday. I ended up Venmoing Roberts $3 so he wouldn’t end our friendship after this snub. I also snubbed George for his Hat Trick against Fuzz because they lost and I feel good about it because he was mean to me in D5. (FWIW, he didn’t know I was planning to snub him prior to the meanness.) 

So without further adieu, here are the 3 stars. 

*** Tim B. and Mike M., Butchers

Do you believe in miracles…ok so that’s a little overboard but the team with 0 points beat the team with the most points. Huge props to probably the most underrated goalie in the league Tim B. for the shutout, and to Mike M. for scoring the lone goal. It’s a pretty cool feeling when 30 or so people come to a game and you’re the only scorer. 

** Matt M. and Charlotte, Fuzz

Both FK and Fuzz were short on players but the oldest player on FK prob would have been the youngest player on Fuzz. Fuzz got out to an early 3-goal lead but once FK scored their first goal with about a minute left in the first half, the game turned. The second half was ALL FK. Twice they got within one but both times Charlotte scored soon after to give Fuzz a 5-3 win. Her 2nd goal was an incredible move going backhand to open the 5-hole. Props to Steve from Instant Karma for realizing Charlotte was the key to the game. 

* Tia, Rainbows

Mega thought they could just steal hot pink from the Rainbows and made sure to play them when Jess was out of the country. But after a great battle, Tia won it in OT. These late heroics are nothing new for the leagues best cameraperson…as Tia has also scored a huge shootout goal in Moffo. Congrats Tia, I wish you had a clone so she could have taken a picture of your goal. This will help your HOF candidacy. 

Filthier v WTP

Steven: you gotta love Zac playing multiple different positions to give his team a chance. On the other hand, you really gotta hope WTP finds a strong tender to unleash Zac in an even more dangerous manner. Filthier is ok. Goes to LolShootout, and Emily clinches the winner for WTP.

JW: If the Salt Boyzzzz (there are 4, now) show up, this will be a tough one for The Pucks. With the loss of James, Ann, and Tim K. Filthier have been underperforming a bit this season, and the same goes with The Pucks since the loss of Ed. These teams have the exact same record (4-4) and this should be a good matchup. Dare I say Game Of The Week?

Prediction: This goes to OT, with Justin notching the game winner. 4-3, Pucks. 

Hornswoggle: The “strong tender” is in fact Hoggystyle and even with him in net, people still mustn’t underestimate a wily Filthier lineup. An upset in this division is still very palpable when the point gap between first and last is just two.

Jess: Ok time for the media to do their job and report on ‘news’. Last week WTP had another “strong tender” named Eli who, if you can believe it, takes up even more room in net than Hogg. In other media fun fact news, there is a Salt Boyz podcast (it runs mostly during hockey season since it’s about fantasy hockey)- check it out!

Fuzz v Fresh Kills

Steven: if Charlotte plays for Fuzz, I’m interested in this game. If she doesn’t, I don’t care. Charlotte cuts down FK if she plays, 1-0 Fuzz.

Rich: I am never showing Charlotte your preview. We’re all getting drunk the night before so I am only going to go 3-2 Fuzz in this one. 

Stoop Dogg: FK has something Fuzz doesn’t have, youth and stamina (theoretically…they all look in shape). Fuzz is a good team with some good players, but as they continue to age they will struggle against a team like Fresh Kills whose skill level in is arguably superior and are also predominantly ages south of 30. Sheena and George’s epic beard will lead Fresh Kills to victory 3-2. 

Hornswoggle: Rich getting drunk—wouldn’t we all love to see that! /s #notmysultan

Riots v Gremlins

Steven: really sucks for Gremlins. They have all this momentum, picking up two straight wins but they are about to run into a RIOT. Margot is so good, she scored on me last game, so I know first hand. She scores again, leading Riots to a 4-1 victory.

Stoop Dogg:  This should be a pretty exciting game, both teams play hard and are coming off of a series of wins. Both teams have solid foundations and frequently take their opponents by surprise with their hidden talents. The Riots goal scores are often Margot and Ian, while the Gremlins often share the glory. Unfortunately, Steven Friedman, one player doesn’t win a hockey game, especially with Jamie in net. 3-1 Gremlin victory.

Jess: Gremlins new player Nico (a dude with a Michigan hat, not our beloved commissioner) should have a fiery matchup with some of the Riots newcomers. We know Margot and Ian are good but tbh the ‘old school’ style of defense by Suz and Ashley is a good matchup to that of Allison and Walker. With 2 stellar goalies, it’s gonna come down to offense and team chemistry. I’d like to see an OT!!! PS – can Erich come back now? Asking for a friend. 

Karma v Cobra Kai

Stoop Dogg: This should be a very good game but both teams have one problem in common: numbers. Both teams have continuously struggled to fill their bench and it has hurt them, especially on the hotter days. The bare bones teams are both respectively very strong, they have hard hitting female contingents, and a number of guys who can dangle & snipe, not forgetting the lunatics who stand between the pipes and get shelled for fun. Ultimately it will come down to two things: 1. Numbers – can they field their teams? and 2. Which goalie showed up that day. Happy Pride, Steven Friedman! Going with Karma 3-1

23andMia: Fer sure BTSH is feeling the pain of folks giving Covid the middle finger, traveling despite this latest variant being more contagious than ever. I agree it’s been difficult for any team to field the same line-up week after week. Last Sunday brought the return of Liam and JJ to the Dojo, and with that came a power reminiscent of the force that boosted the team into D1. Gonna gamble on a repeat performance fueled even further by yet another return: this time by one Mr. Will G. Maybe there’ll even be a Yetter sighting. Going with CK 3-1 if this is the case.

Agents v Demons

Glnzr: The Agents learn what BTSH is really all about, lose 5-1, quit, and join a Zog kickball league.

23andMia: The Demons, still in mourning at the loss of Olivia Newton-John, eke out a small lead in a shaky first half. From the sidelines, Sammi — dressed not unlike leather Sandy in Grease— demands DRo get it together and lead the team in honor of their unborn child. The Demons surge ahead and prevail. The Agents quit and join a Zog kickball league.

Lbs v Vertz

Jess: I know certain people Hicks likes to say ‘don’t let the vertz get hot’ but I would also argue the point, ‘don’t let the vertz get cold’ (otherwise they’ll end up losing by 6 goals). They’re gonna need to lean heavily on Tim K and their solid array of defensemen/women to stop the offensive firepower of the Lbs. Prediction: pound town inevitable, Lbs 4 Vertz 1.

Glnzr: To be fair to Hicks, he thinks Cold Vertz are the worst team in the league. I think this will be like Col. in the spring. You’ll want your jacket as it can get chilly as the Lbs. win 4-2. 

Hornswoggle: Did we expect a complete shellacking from the Hookers on the Vertz right before the 10-minute monsoon? Absolutely not, but I’d have thought the Vegas Taco Bell gave Hicks some superpowers but it probably gave him super gas… not too beneficial for the team, really. Pervertz get pounded, I guess (strikethrough added because we keep it PG for the most part).

Sky Fighters v Butchers

Steven: Brady and the Butchers have mad potential. Their game against Poutine the other week got out of hand early, but the meat carvers eventually got disciplined, just too late. If the defensemen who played in a polo shirt against Poutine dons a polo for this game, it’ll be close. If there is no polo, Sky Fighters win, but closer than we think.

23andMia: What we’ve got here is a team who has yet to win this season and a team who hasn’t lost this season (in regulation). I really want the Butchers to win, but not against my team. I’m not gonna be around for this matchup cuz I’m giving Covid the middle finger and traveling. Guess that makes it slightly more comfortable to predict that the Sky Fighters (2 words) take it.

Rainbows v Mega Touch

Jess: We all know my feelings about this matchup. Hey Mega, make sure you wear your gray jerseys so you don’t dress IDENTICAL TO MY TEAM. Prediction: Rainbows 10-0 and we burn their pink jerseys and fling the ashes into the East River. Now someone else do a real hockey preview.

Glnzr: Rainbows 10-0 and we burn Mega’s pink jerseys (with them in it). Rainbows 10- Mega nothing but ashes.

JW: While I agree with Jess’ stance on #Jerseygate, I don’t think even the ‘Bows thirst for revenge can win them this game. Mega went from typically finishing 19th or so to being one of the most dangerous teams with one of the toughest forechecks. The Rainbows went from finishing 19th or so to……maybe finishing 17th or so? 

Prediction: Mega 5, ‘Bows 2. 

Jess: ACTUALLY we are ranked 16th at the moment. Can’t pass up an opportunity to correct Walker. 

Hookers v Anklebiters

Steven: ¡Viva Mas! ¡Viva Sarah! ¡Sarah Mas! ¡Viva Sarah Mas!  I had drinks with Sarah the other night. It was wild. Honestly, not sure how anyone can pick against the Biters if she’s playing. The 2021 “Tia L. Cinematic Moment of the Year” award winner scores and the Biters win 2-1.

Glnzr: If Sarah M ever plays against Margot, Charlotte from Fuzz, or the guy with the polo shirt from the Butchers Steve will prove that spontaneous human combustion exists. 4-2 Anklebiters. Beat a better team than the Vertz Hookers and I’ll be impressed. 

Hornswoggle:

That last half especially made me cringe*—I mean yeah, you get paid but only if you’re reffing. All I hope is that Craig does a get off my lawn impression to Hookers loitering near his crease.

*Editor’s Note: It made us all cringe

Poutine v Bad Seeds

JW: There are like 3 players left on Poutine that anyone knows. After what was expected to be a rough rebuilding year, Poutine instead found a lot of really good players to replenish their decimated roster and can compete with the league’s top teams. Meanwhile the Bad Seeds still have many players who we all love to love. Can Diane, Zach, Perras, Kirky, Heather, Brad, and Dave GDR stop the juggernaut that is Poutine? Probably not, but if Jon M. shows up and scores a Texas hat trick this one could be close.

Prediction: Jon doesn’t show.  Poutine 6, Seeds 2. 

Stoop Dogg: It’s an old vs. new situation. Nobody is really sure who Poutine is anymore… they have Mike M still and that other fast guy, whose name I also think is Mike*? Basically it’s a whole new team, and their record suggests that they’re doing more than alright with this rebuild. Bad Seeds is your classic BTSH staple of OG league members who are there for a good time, and to bring those pesky whippersnappers back down to planet Earth. While the Bad Seeds will hold their own on the court – especially if their hard hitters like River Boat Jon M, The Other Scotty K, Zach Norris, Justin Perras, Amy, and Diane attend – they will ultimately fall to the New Poutine Machine. 5-1 in favor of the Canadian Delicacy. 

*Editor’s note: also known as Pags

Cobra Kai v Fresh Kills

Dingle: Well ladies and gentlemen, we’re back at it after a riveting All-Star weekend full of degenerate behavior and light beer. Hope the hangovers have all subsided. 

We’ve got a D1 rematch right off the bat on Sunday. FK and Cobra Kai played in Week 4, and FK pulled off the 3-1 victory. Cobra Kai have had far from an easy schedule so far this season, but then again, they’re playing in Division 1, and only strengthened their already solid team during the offseason. With Fresh Kills now without Meg, there’s a good amount of scoring that’ll need to be made up. Lucky for them, they’ve got both a top male and a top female league scorer in George and Cassie. 

Prediction: Cobra Kai score a late equalizer, but FK pull off the OT win, 4-3.

Jess: This isn’t about the game (sry) but I just wanted to say a very heartfelt thank you to the captains, players, volunteers, and spectators for making the all star game a success! 

Vertz v Hookers

Glnzr: When the Elves disbanded and Fuzz was created, I didn’t understand the hate. Fuzz came in 16th or 17th, lost in the playin round to Karma (which at the time sucked). Good players left their team to help out a terrible team. One of those players was B. Hicks. Now I know why we were hated.

So with the Vertz…I didn’t initially hate them. Sure they performed Prima Nocta on Cutler, but that’s the rist of Poaching Season.. But if someone doesn’t beat them soon…I’m gonna fuckin lose it. Let’s go Hookers! (Prediction Vertz 4, Hookers 1)

Rainbows v Poutine

23andMia: There are two things I like about this match up: 1)That Commissioner Nico went Rainbow after being on Poutine and 2)That Mikey built a winning squad. This says so much about these leader’s character. Nico might’ve upped the pressure for her responsibility to the league, but she offset it by joining a team who values “work/life” balance. Mikey stood undaunted by a great migration (you see, people, it happens to more than just the Sky Fighters) and rebuilt a solid squad who frankly, is having the last word. Poutine takes it 5-2, with the Rainbows shrugging it off.

Filthier v Anklebiters

23andMia: I’m realizing I don’t know what an anklebiter is and don’t feel like Googling if it’s hockey related or a sex reference. Maybe I’m naive… a Gremlin introduced me to the term “spinner” some years ago, explaining “YOU’RE a spinner”. (TYVM, I guess.) I also don’t know who will be the victor here. Filthier might be struggling a little compared to their former selves, but sometimes, the Biters do, too. Giving the edge to the Biters who will bring it a bit harder for the win.

Sky Fighters v Mega Touch

Glnzr: Too many people like Mega, so let’s give tips on how to beat them. Tash deceives players and often has the ability to actually go lateral. It’s deceitful and hurtful. Don’t fall for it. 

Prediction: The Sky Fighters fall for it and lose a heartbreaker 3-2 with 1 min left. 

Jess: It was actually Tash’s idea to totally steal the Rainbows’ jerseys so I’m okay with all of the above #cancelmega. But also Rich you should know better than to use screen shots from a different hockey league. But I’ll allow it because Tash must pay!!!

Butchers v Gremlins

Jess: The Butchers have won 0 games this year and the situation is looking pretty bad. The Gremlins have managed to slowly dig themselves out of their rut with 3 wins under their belt, one of those being a 4-0 win against the Butchers. Maybe this rematch energy will be what the Butchers need to light the fire, but probably not tbh. Prediction: Gremlins 3, Butchers 0.

Hornswoggle: A long time ago, BTSH was the type of league that guaranteed a day (or night, depending on when your game was) of hockey that involved players running unabashedly, scoring goals off the birdbath, taking a leak at a quiet underpass adjacent to the FDR, and drinking PBR’s at Welcome to the Johnsons. And until bobw decided there should be stats, the levels of competition, dedication to strategy, and fitness were hardly any criteria considered to play and remain in the league.

Do either the Butchers or Gremlins benefit by fighting tooth and nail to get their names on the scoresheet? Perhaps—though I can already say Walker will be first in TOI, an unrecorded stat, unfortunately. But I wrote the previous paragraph to say this: the match will be low-key giving Corlears vibes, the type of stuff I missed when I started the league in 2005. Not that they’re playing for nothing since there are points up for grabs, but I’m 1,000% confident this will be so much of a chill game that refs needn’t be present. I’m hoping Brady nets in a couple and Ben backchecks Rod with the longest hockey stick in the league… and that there are few whistles!

Demons v Bad Seeds

Hornswoggle: Most teams had interconference games in the beginning of the season, and I think we’re seeing a shift into divisional rivalries that will grow fiercer until September; at least that’s how it will be for some teams. But not these two—unless you’re Frey and you like to burn money thinking they’ll win their respective divisions. We’ve seen the Bad Seeds return to their roots, drinking tequila shots with the Gremmies three weeks back and just last Sunday I witnessed a noticeably more cohesive Demons squad despite the result not in their favor. Not that day drinking is a bad thing, but I suppose less drinking before and during the game may produce more optimal results. Demons to handily win but if the Seeds prove that Patron is the next Pedialyte, I’ll be the first to buy a bridge from a rando at Tompkins.

WTP v Lbs

23andMia: For those who don’t know, this match up features a marital rivalry: wife Emily on WTP and hubby Roberts on Lbs. Not sure if memory serves me correctly, but I feel like last year, this match up went to WTP, and when asked about it, Roberts said something like “Happy wife, happy life.” This year, I predict wifey won’t be so happy, especially with Hogg out with a shoulder injury (which we know does not make him happy). Lbs 4, WTP 1.

Fuzz v Karma

23andMia: For years, I have heard people watching Gil from Fuzz say things like, “I can’t believe how good he is at his age.” I always ask, “Why not?! Gil was probably as good as you when he was in his 20s. He takes care of himself and is smarter now than he was then.” During last week’s Fuzz vs Filthier game, I admitted to Gil, “I root for you all individually, but against you all collectively.” He didn’t know how to take that. I may still be rooting against Fuzz as an institution, but I think their immense wisdom will help them beat Karma 3-1.

Hornswoggle: Admittedly, any attempt to quell Fuzz’s offensive output is a tall order; very few (in fact, two) teams have taken opportunities to capitalize on their mistakes. Perhaps their losses came from temporary lapses of judgment, and that’s fine if the expectation is to win the following week. However—here enters Karma, a squad who, for one, slightly changed their branding but also sadly, their personnel. The OGs are the same, but major pieces have left/are set to leave. Nevertheless, significant talent remains up and down the lineup. As BTSH rolls on through the latter half of the season, Fuzz feels the ever-mounting pressure to prove their previous two championships weren’t flukes with high-profile matches like these. Goaltending sure will be important—Steve will have to channel the kind of focus he usually has in rivalry games (like Poutine’s), and Rich will probably have to pry Timmy from his vinyl if he wants the best outcome. In any case, Fuzz probably will emerge the victor by a one goal difference.

Glnzr: Does Jerome not realize we won in 2018 as well???

Riots v Agents

Jess: The media narrative so far has been that Eric’s goaltending skills have greatly given the Riots a bump but after playing the Riots sans Eric last week I think there are a lot more new, good players and solid veterans than we’ve realized. With all their personnel back this should be an easy one. 

Meanwhile, the Agents are still trying to find their footing but two of their players showed some promise (and scored some goals) in the All Star Game and if you can score goals after ingesting copious amounts of beer then you can score goals soberly on a Sunday!

Prediction: Riots 5, Agents 1.

Butchers v Poutine

Dingle: And so the era of a Sully-less Poutine begins. After one of our brilliant media writers nearly predicted the exact outcome of last week’s game, where do we go from here? Butchers are the last team still looking for Win #1 on the year, and Poutine top the BTSH standings with 12 points and an impressive 6-1 record. Trap game for Poutine? Possibly, but expect Poutine to roll in a lopsided win. 

Cat: Not to put too fine a point on it, this is the top ranked team vs the lowest ranked team. The winningest team vs. the losingest team. Don’t think this is the week that Butchers breaks their streak, sadly. 

23andMia: I’ve had a day so will amuse myself by suggesting DIY gifts “losing” teams can give Jess for her birthday: The Butchers pony up Brady, who pin pricks a tattoo on Jess old school style. Brady is annoyed by his team’s loss, so his touch is a little rough. Jess does not flinch.

Riots v Rainbows

Hicks: riots need a win in this one to avoid falling too far behind the Skyfighters in D4. Meanwhile the Rainbows need to stack a few wins together down the stretch to avoid the play in round. Given the Riots’ impressive turnaround this year, I’m betting on them to win this one and ruin Jess’s birthday. 

CATT: Can everyone win? I feel like everyone should win. Both teams are full of nice people who are good at hockey but keep it very civil. I have no doubt that the Riots could win, but now you’ve mentioned Jess’s birthday I imagine they forfeit the game to the ‘bows as a gift and have a friendly mixed team scrim instead. 

Hookers v Karma 

Hicks: don’t look now, but Karma has lost 2 of 3 and suddenly D2 looks wide open. This is a week one rematch and while it’s very tough to beat a team twice, my gut tells me that Karma is taking this one. 3-1. 

23andMia: Agreed on the above so The Hookers offer up a crafty dress made of Cro’s* many, many empties. 

Editor’s note: the media has confirmed, Cro is still on the Hookers despite barely showing up for games and talking ridiculous amounts of shit on facebook for a guy who hasn’t scored a goal all season.

Jess: I think the Hookers’ ladies edge out Karma’s ladies while the dudes are a pretty evenly matched with team chemistry and skill. Hookers have had some tough luck lately but if they have the right personnel I think they can capitalize on Karma’s recent losses (plus no AK or Derek) and pull off the win 2-1.

Cobra Kai v Lbs

Jess: Last time these two teams faced off everyone was at Russ’ stupid bachelor party. This should be a more exciting game now that The Dojo is at full strength. I am also looking forward to the Hilary v Charlotte matchup. Childhood friends, now enemies!!!

Cat: So far LBS has only lost to Fuzz (god that’s embarrassing) and the only team to come close on the scoreboard was CK. Cobra Kai will be geared up for a redemption match, this one should be hard fought and just an itsy bitsy chippy. I think the dojo will be fired up enough to come out on top.

23andMia: CK offers a Commish as redemption for their by-a-hair loss. Russ does a tight 15 to make Jess laugh. When the birthday lady is not amused at jokes that don’t land, she sprays Russ in the face with a water gun like a bad cat.

Demons v Mega Touch

Hicks: don’t look now, but Mega is making a run for the D3 crown in their first year in the divison. The demons have the talent to keep pace, but they aren’t jersey thieves (I got you Jess) and in this game it’s that complete disregard for the law that’ll get mega the win (did I just make the demons look rulebook friendly?). 

Glnzr: Hicks, you don’t have to start every preview with don’t look now. As for this game…Demons have the better offense and Mega has the better D. Though…Mega has some unknowns that are very good so maybe they have the better O as well? I’ll go with Mega 3-2. 

Cat: Not sure Rich is entitled to doling out editorial advice, generally speaking. AS FOR THIS GAME, yeah honestly Mega 3-2 seems fair if not maybe being a little generous to the Demons. Also I should hope Mega puts away their pink jerseys against a red team, and I should FURTHER hope it’s for good because wtf steppin on Rainbows fashion turf.

WTP v Vertz

Glnzr: Vertz is looking for revenge after WTP sent them into a season-long tailspin (I’m assuming as I’m writing this preview after Week 1). My money is on WTP to win the rematch.  

Jess: Obligatory ‘don’t look now’ for Hicks – That new guy Phil on WTP should give the Vertz a run for their money but OTHER NEW GUY Simon on the Vertz is pretty freakin’ good at defense. He has a literal Poutine tattoo so personally, I think he’s on the wrong team, but who knows what #poachingszn will bring. WTP wins it in OT. 

Cat: ‘New Guy Simon’ just had a big bonding weekend in Buffalo with staple WTP-ers Hogg, Butler, and Tarnow so idk will he be able to bring the fire against his new BFFs??

Fresh Kills v Anklebiters
Jess: Let the record show that the media made a “mistake” when we said Louis was the “worst”* Fresh Boy and it’s actually George. (Sorry George but I’m trying to cop that wedding invite). But also since last week’s power rankings was spent stroking both these team’s egos it should be a fun game to watch. I always love rooting for the underdog (even though it’s hard to call the Biters underdogs) but I hope they win it 2-1.

*Editor’s note: if by the worst we mean still in the top 15% of players in the league, then sure, they’re all the worst.

Glnzr: I was torn to shreds for complimenting the Biters in the Rankings. But they beat FK with no Probie, took 3 out of 4 points from Fuzz but did get destroyed by the Lbs. I think Cinderella wants her slipper back. I’m disgusted I know that reference. Pause. FK 5, Biters 2.

23andMia: This should be a super fun game to watch… the Biters unfortunately lose. Worky is pulled away from Jersey to sing for Jess. She cries a little at the beauty of it all, then sends Worky back across the river to further plan OC.

Fuzz v Filthier

Dingle: Grab some popcorn and head to the West court at 4:15, because we’ve got a good one—and not just for heckling Fuzz. Two well-rounded teams duking it out in what very well could be a playoff matchup. 

Fuzz have won the last three championships, blah, blah, blah, but Filthier have held their own just fine so far this season without long-time stalwarts James and Anne. In a finger to the wind prediction, I have this one going to a shootout, and Filthier pulling off the upset, 3-2. Can’t wait to get a text from Glnzr about this one. 

Jess: I think you mean a 2am email.

Glnzr: I find it so funny that James and Anne are always the only people mentioned in a Filthier preview. Fuzz 4-0. 

23andMia: Danielle, Kate, Nikki, Ellie, Sunny, Alex and JJ use their industriousness to whip up a birthday cake for Jess using only protein bars they pillage from players waiting for the All Star game. Jess proclaims the mush “delish” and Filthier comes out winners despite their loss.

Agents v Gremlins

Glnzr: So in year 1 of existence the Agents get a prime spot before the ASG and Ace party? Meanwhile a team like the Rainbows who have been here forever has the first game and only the biggest of losers will hang around all day. For shame Media…for shame. Also 4-3 Gremmies.

Jess: I’m not doing this preview I’m just saying it’s my birthday Sunday and I will be hanging out all day with my friends/teammates and you just ruined my birthday by calling me a loser so thanks. 

Glanzr: IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS SUNDAY, YOU LIAR!!!*

*Editor’s note: if you drink until midnight, it is technically

Sky Fighters v Bad Seeds

Hicks: the sky fighters should win this game, but if it goes to a shootout all bets are off. Skyfighters 5, Seeds 2.

Dingle: I put together a little treat for those of you who have gotten this far. An original Haiku: 

“I enjoy hockey. 

All Star Game is right after,

let’s drink some cheap beer.” -Dingle McCringle

Cat: That’s beautiful, Dingle.

by Glnzr, Meatbox, Arya Stark, & Jess

Jess: Alright folks it’s officially halfway through the season and The Media is giving the people what they want: Mid Season Power Rankings by everyone’s favorite consortium of media men!!!!

Glnzr: Before we get started, I invited Jess because I feel we need a women’s touch, and also someone who will over-rate teams like the Riots, who are doing great, but in a lower division.

Jess: ignoring the lightly sexist comment, I’m also here to correct your grammar. It’s a woman’s touch not women, the plural form of woman. Also, I missed a slam dunk on making some joke about you and a woman’s touch BUT I DIGRESS.

Glnzr: Before we start, I think I’m going to put the Vertz at 19.

Alex: I think you ranked the Vertz too high. In all seriousness, I am going to take this assignment seriously as if this writeup was being read by people who actually care about hockey rankings even though I know Jess is rolling her eyes as we speak.

Some good players but not people (except Ryan Hughes) play on these teams

1. Fuzz. 

Alex: Like the Tampa Bay Lightning, I don’t expect them to really start playing their best game til the playoffs start.  And until someone knocks them off or Jeff finally moves to Florida, they have to stay in the #1 spot by default – everybody knows the rules.  And if they really do add the NBHL ringer goalie from NJ to their playoff roster, we are all fucked.

Rich: Jeff and Alexa have a beautiful home in Jersey. Stay out of our real estate issues, unless you know of better condos in Ronkonkoma.
Jess: I would like to enact a league-wide ban on NJ-ers and Long Islanders and see what happens for fun.

Hicks: do we still do the “fuzz!” thing on social media or is that over since they’ve won three in a row? Asking for Eli.
Jess: no and thank you for reminding me to leave their fan page 

2. Ver…just kidding. Lbs.
   Rich: Sam/Avery are best 1-2 punch in league. Roberts is great role player. Kelsey/Hilary are tight on D and of course Cherie. Liz stole $7.
   Jess: Rich how could you forget Scott 

Alex: we are sexy
Jess: Alex knows how much I love rooting against the Lbs but I think they’re one of the few teams that could actually beat Fuzz this year (talent + determination + penchant for chugging sangria at Patrizia’s) and win the cup. I hope it happens for the sake of Frey’s mental health and so we can all publicly dunk on Fuzz in the media next season.

Hicks: if Lbs win it all this year, we need “welcome to pound town 2022” shirts made asap. 

3. Fresh Kills.
   Rich: Breaking news. This reporter heard Gabe offer to fly Meg back if they make semis/finals. And then he went from offering to fly her back to paying for only half of it. No (hicks edit: lol, it’s know, rich) your worth, Meg. That said, this team is insanely good. When Ariel is your worst guy…well it’s better than Fuzz’s worst guy. If they ever won any games, I’d rank them higher.
   Alex: a sick collection of young talent and grizzled vets like Ariel and Gabe (sorry Gabey, you’ve ascended to old man mentioned alongside Ariel status and yes I know you’re only one year older than me). That said the losses of Meg and Ryan are huge and Lily has ghosted more people at this point than actual ghosts.
   Jess: Frey, you keep adding 2 spaces after your periods and it’s really annoying to correct. Did you use a typewriter or something, you can’t be that old?? Anyways yeah FK is really good and if Louis is the ‘worst’ of the Fresh Boys then that should give you people some idea of how annoying it is to play these guys. But I will say sometimes they forget this isn’t ice hockey or whatever the rules are in Canada and it costs them some plays.
   Alex: I’ve never used a typewriter!

Also a contender to win in 2022

4. Cobra Kai. 

Alex: an uncharacteristically poor start to the season but all their losses have been to top teams and attendance issues have plagued them.  Don’t care what their record is, they’ll step it up come playoff time.

Rich: Old victories and excellent roster are carrying them to this 4 seed. Karma/Biters     deservedly pissed.
Jess: Whether it’s Casca or Campbell in net their defense will be locked down. Not many weak points on this team as both the men and women on this team are sharpshooters. They could cruise to the PBR cup finals if they can avoid FK or Lbs in previous rounds.

Hicks: “they could cruise to the finals if they can avoid two of the top three teams on their way there”

… so can most teams in the top ten? C’mon Jessica. 
Rich: I guess if they play us in first round, Fuzz is screwed!

Jess: What I mean is I think only Cobra Kai and Lbs could beat Fuzz if it really comes down to it. FK and Biters could give Fuzz a run for their money but I’m not as confident in that matchup. BUT I’d anticipate a Dojo loss against FK/Lbs. SO yeah an early Fuzz matchup would be preferable. Enjoy this “math” chart below:

Cobra Kai > Fuzz

Cobra Kai < Fresh Kills / Lbs

Cobra Kai < Biters 

Not contenders but can win

5. Vertz.
   Rich: I asked some people where I should rank them. Hicks said 1, Cutler said 19, Cutler’s Burner said 12th. Anyways, they have a super solid core, an overrated and over sensitive to honorable mentions goaltender, and Elly. I’m super torn because Cutler wins wherever she goes but Hicks loses. But since Hicks can bench 3 times more than her I’m going with the loser. Also, I think it’s crazy the Biters aren’t ahead of them. (I have the Biters ranked 5)
   Alex: an absolutely bizarre start to the season but as Hicks has been telling me basically nonstop for 5 months, don’t let the Vertz get hot.
   Jess: Tim is the best goalie in the league and it shows in how many games he’s kept them in. Not to gas Hicks up any more than he needs to be but when the Vertz are hot it is tough to stop them. I think they’ve finally figured out their chemistry but there’s still a lot of individual play happening and the teams ahead of them in this power ranking can pass like some sort of freakish hive mind. +1 for Cutler Burner.

Hicks: to quote Jahk McGinty, “they don’t ask how (you score), they ask how many”. DONT LET THE VERTZ STAY HOT.
Alex: to quote Jahk McGinty, “I had a dream I was practicing in net and I asked someone to film me on a few shots so I could see my angles, form, etc.  when they played the film back, I was Marc Andre Fleury.”

6. Karma.
   Rich: They get hurt bc I’m not sure if Derek and Austin will play for them in playoffs. I’d put them 4 based on their record if I knew they were. I think if they make semis they can guilt Derek back from Florida but I think Austin will be at base camp on K2 and not receiving texts. Also having a pair of siblings like the Vernoia’s and those other two sisters is pretty cool.
   Alex: they would rank higher if not for Derek living in Florida and Austin moving to god knows where in a month or so. Derek will prob fly in for playoffs; we may never see AK again. 6 feels fair for all the uncertainty going on with their roster.
   Jess: they still have Braun and Kevin (and Isaac and Stabel) and solid goaltending from Steven makes them a viable threat but not quarter-finals worthy imho.
   Hicks: “save us Dr Oopie” -Steve, probably.
   Alex: the only thing Braun is saving is himself for marriage

7. Anklebiters.
   
   Alex:  this team is a nightmare matchup and can beat anyone on any day of the week as they just showed with a gritty 3-2 win over Fuzz.  But Probie still has to shoulder too much of the scoring load for me to rank them in the top 6.

Rich: Before the season, someone said the Vertz should be in division 1 and the Biters should be in 2. I immediately texted this person and admonished him. The Biters play hard every game and hustle is the #1 killer of opposing teams’ talent. They beat FK and took 3 of 4 points from Fuzz. How they are ranked 7th is a testament to Frey/Jess/Hicks absconding their duties.
Jess: Let the record show I had the Biters ranked at #4 so you can stop being overtly nice to Probie now, Rich. As someone who needs a calculator to figure out tipping, y’all made me do math and maybe I got it wrong but the discrepancies in ranking between the 4 of us placed the Biters at #7. BUT I DIGRESS. Biters are a sick team and I’m anticipating a lengthy playoffs run.
Alex: Rich is just sucking up to Probert so he doesn’t get fired from his front office gig with the Green Street Hooligans.

Rich: You people are idiots. Probie was the one who said the Vertz should be higher. I told him he was wrong. The Anklebiters beat FK WITHOUT Probie, and the Biters took 3 of 4 points from us. Probie scored zero goals against us in Game 2. If you know hockey, you know hustle is the #1 killer of talent. The Biters hustle. 

8. WTP.
   Rich: From a reliable source…they added one of the best players in the country. I hope they enjoyed their 2019 Schlitz (they did), bc they’ll never see that tourney again. They just became a very dangerous team to the rest of the league.
   Alex: Hogg’s done an admirable job despite a rash of injuries and retirements.  Their week 1 victory over the Vertz was one of the upsets of the year.

Hicks: Hogg in net should solidify that position for them and make them much tougher to score against but I am genuinely curious how taking your best scorer off the rink will work out for them.
Jess: unclear if the guy Rich is talking about is that dude Phil but Meg glanced over at their bench last week and said “that guy played at Colby” and if there’s one thing we know, Colby delivers grade-A players to this league. 

9. Hookers 

Alex: rich man’s Demons; roster looks sick on paper but results don’t quite match the promise. Still, no one will want to face them in the playoffs.

Rich: I think Mega is better. 

Hicks: I think the hookers are consistently underrated given the talent they have on paper, but it’s hard to argue with the results (plz don’t use this logic on the Vertz because we are hot right now and everyone knows the first 5 games for a new team don’t count).

Good season but not 2022 ready

10. Mega.
    Rich: We all know their girls but they have a couple of guys we don’t know who are really good. Yes, I don’t expect them to win but I’m glad there’s an outside chance of it. However if anyone realizes Tash can move laterally and don’t just run straight towards her (Jess, Yehuda), Mega will never win again. At least Julie is pretty.
    Jess: I’m just flattered you think I’m as fast as a 20 year old.
    Alex: best women in the league, bar none.  Sadly the guys haven’t quite caught up and although I like their roster, I don’t see them winning more than one playoff round.

Hicks: we need a jorts + raspberry week asap.

11. Poutine.
    Rich: Gotta give it up to Mikey. They lost a lot of people but they are a fun team that still plays hard. I think they are in midcard hell, meaning they’re too good for the Schlitz but not yet ready for the PBR Cup. Jerome likes Quirdle.
    Alex: after losing half their roster in the offseason (Jack, Otis, Russo, Sully, Charlotte, Nico and Dickie), things looked shaky in Poutine land.  Luckily for fans of gritty hockey, gritty reboots and 13th Step, Mikey has executed a tip-top rebuild that has Poutine, shockingly, pretty much in the same place in the power ranks where they’ve been the past few seasons.  Daly, Lyons and the Hamilton girls have been spirited additions while Jeff Green can steal any game he’s in (just keep him away from Scandinavian women).  And with McQuade back and seemingly on his way to making five games, it’s an impressive turnaround and a great underdog story.  And if you disagree, Mikey will probably call you a scumbag.

Hicks: does anyone have phone numbers for some Scandinavian women? I hear they love ball hockey.

12. Sky Fighters.
    Rich: With Wes in the league…a super nice Canadian who is good at hockey, I really don’t see the reason why we are keeping Gabe from FK. We don’t need two of these and Wes is younger. Also, Emily loves Hero so I’m a fan of this team.
    Alex: a scrappy group built for the playoffs but they need one more star scorer next to Wes (and arguably Hopper) to jump to the next tier.

Hicks: this team could give any team in the league a scare in the playoffs, it’s just hard to see them pulling off the 4 scares needed to win a title. Also please stop being mean to their goalie, Jessica.
Jess: I’m not the one who made James getting scored on the cover photo!!! And I was out of town for BOTH our games I will not stand for this slander.

13. Riots.
    Rich: The league MVP goes to Eric. There was a battle to see if he was a BTSH HOFer. I said yes, not everyone did. Credit to Suz as well for building a tough team around him.
    Alex: when they added Ramirez I said that one roster move might be enough to win the division. They’re now only one point back of the lead after an lolshootout win over the Sky Fighters. 
    Jess: as a d4 player, the Riots were never a ‘guaranteed’ win but I agree, with Eric and some new blood it’s become even more of a battle within our division.

14. Filthier.
    Alex:  a very stealthy rebuild centered around the Salt Boyz has somewhat dulled the pain of losing BTSH legends James & Ann. Still a few pieces away from contender status but way ahead of where I expected they’d be at this point.

Hicks: credit where it’s due, this team has been much better than I anticipated them being after last season. 

15. Demons
    Alex: this team has too much talent to be ranked this low, but I’ve also seen too many underwhelming performances to rank them any higher.  On the bright side Gene is back and, if his back holds up, will likely whip their asses into shape by playoff time.

Hicks: PUT SOME RESPECT ON HIS NAME

Jess: ah, Gene, good for their hockey image, terrible for their PR image.

Rich: He got into an altercation with someone from the Butchers last week. So much has changed in my life but the Demons getting written up has always been my constant.

Some good people but not players (except Dana T.) play on these teams 

16. Rainbows
    Alex: Mike and Nico have been great additions but they’ll need to poach Joel from my cold dead hands to move up any further in the rankings.

Jess: challenge accepted re: your cold dead hands. Give us 2 more seasons and then it’s #comebackszn

Rich: Now that Mega is wearing pink, you should switch to black.
Jess: Don’t get me started!!! I was thinking gray with maroon/red. #cancelmega.

17. Gremlins

Alex: some tough personnel losses have dropped 2019s semifinalist to bottom 4 position.  On the bright side, Walker’s getting all the playing time he can handle these days.

Rich: A little creepy but the Gremlins are the opposite of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gWtrnb4KjU

Jess: The Gremlins have played together for a really long time but they play a slower game these days that just can’t keep up with the top half of the league. 

18. Bad Seeds
    Alex: seeing Dave GDR with a wood blade stick and a modern goalie helmet has been one of the highlights of the season.

Rich: Dave GDR is the GOAT but Jesus Christ man! If Romeo is forcing us to pay for his baby, Dave should start a GoFundMe for a 1990s Mylec he can buy on ebay. The 1970s version needs to be retired.

Jess: I have no idea what’s going on. Similar to the Gremlins, this old school team has a lot of experienced players but the new era of BTSH seems to be impossible to stop, making it hard for teams with this style of play to really make an impact in the top half of the league.

Hicks: please don’t bring up GoFundMe, you’ll trigger Probert #whereisthemoffomoney
Jess: I heard those new boards are gonna get put in any day now…

19. Butchers
    Alex:  the team that gave me a two game tryout in 2015 will always have a place in my heart but it’s tough times in pig knife land.
    Jess:  It’s crazy to me that when I first joined the league in 2018 this was a middle of the road team with some sharp shooters and the Rainbows had an ‘upset’ playoff play-in game win against them. People moved teams, had babies, decided beer league hockey wasn’t their life priority and as a result the team has suffered. 

Rich: In 2010 and 2011 they made back to back semi-finals. In 2012 they were beating FK 1-0 late in playoff game. All those players from those great moments are dead. Or just a lot older and play like they’re dead. Rachel and Art’s baby is extremely cute though. Prob 1/2 evil as well.

20. Agents
    Alex: glad that a lot of new players are getting a shot to join the league with this expansion/reexpansion franchise but if they don’t finish bottom 5 I will eat my shoe. 
    Jess: Sorry y’all. When you stop losing games by 4+ goals you can move up a spot. I also think The Agents are just victims of 0 team chemistry but once they get some consistency they should start changing things up.

Rich: I only saw like 5 min of them play. They scored against the Rainbows and I felt happy for them. I don’t know what happened to them in their first few games but they’ve improved a ton already and I hope it leads to more Ws. I think we should write about their new players so we get to know them better. 

21. Vertz

Hicks: DONT LET THE VERTZ GET HOT

Rich: Scheduling Vertz vs. Fuzz the day after Miles wedding next level move. We are now even from the Rehabs non-rainout. Tell Seb.

Jess: I don’t know why I’m allowing this to stay in but if you made it this far into this article congrats you deserve some sort of medal and maybe a therapy session