btsh.org

by various media members

Biters v Fuzz

23andMia: You cannot call out our beloved league without using the letters BTS, the same letters that identify the K-pop sensation who between 2014 and 2023, will have contributed $29.1 trillion to the South Korean economy, according to Forbes. Fuzz might be our BTS: a handpicked super group brought together to rise to the top who have infused the league with an incomparable wealth only to be described as “the world according to Glanzer”.

Earlier this week, the other media that’s not us reported that the entire BTS band will join the South Korean military for two years, as mandated by law. There will be no special treatment for Jin, J-Hope and others… they will grind it out, just like the Ankle Biters do every Sunday. BTS will do what they have to do at this stage of their lives, much like Probie, Amy and Phill, who don’t even live in the city anymore but travel from afar to represent. Let’s hope no one gets desecrated by a crazy North Korean in the next two years… or ever. 

Prediction: Ankle Biters fall, honorably, 3-2

Cat: commenting to stay on BTStok

JW: Who are BTS?

Filthier v Sky Fighters

Jess: Honestly, I think the Sky____Fighters have the edge here. They play more cohesively than Filthier who, although rostering some skilled individuals, don’t seem to fully click as a unit.

Prediction: Sky Fighters 3-2

Rich: I played against Filthier two weeks ago when I let Karma use all their good players. They are good. I think SF will have their hands full. Playoffs are way different than the regular season and I know KG has the Clutch Gene as she scored 3 goals including one in the finals in OC. (23andMia: The first of KG’s goals happened within the first three minutes of her first ever shift at OC.) I also don’t think Ellie does as she was really bad at pool in our 3 losses to Alex. I’m going with Jake, Wes, Emily in this one 2-1. 

Karma v Fresh Kills

Jim Apple: There are about 15 different versions of this game based on what combination of attendance each team is able to achieve. Does Meg fly in? Does Lily feel like going to the rink on Sunday? Has AK found a couch to sleep on? Is Derek still at the beach? How many Bron/ Brauns show up? Safe to assume an FBI agent will be present at the courts checking Fresh Kills working visas. Canadians beware. 

Jess: Lucky for Bron he has dual citizenship and yes I’m putting this in writing so we can legally claim him for the US v Canada BTSH game I want to speak into existence. No shot Meg flies in because Gabe is a liar but fake Facebook Gabe would fly her back for the round of 16 in a second. 

Rich: Fake FB Gabe > Real FB Gabe! Bron is a Canadian so he plays with them. 4-2 FK. 

Butchers v Mega Touch

Rich: I think Mega will win but considering the Butchers advanced even though they lost to the Hookers, I like their chances at being BTSH’s version of Jesus, of dying and coming back. 6-0 Mega, with Butchers moving on. Don’t delete this you, coward!

Hookers v Mega Touch

I was subconsciously rooting for the Butchers I guess. Here’s the real preview:

Cat: I worry the Hookers will underestimate Mega Touch, and given how great Julie is at motivating her team, and how great defensively they are, I really think in the end Mega will have the edge against a higher division team. 

JW: We played against Mega week 1 and they were absolutely stifling….oops, I already said this in another preview earlier this season. Man, definitely running out of (mental) gas these days. We did not play the Hookers this season, but I did watch their play-in game against the Butchers on Sunday. They have a lot of talent, and they have speed. Mega has the same but they also have (with the exception of Danilo) stronger defense. And I believe it was Snagglepuss who said “defense wins championships”. Or maybe it was Grape Ape. I can’t remember anything anymore. 

Prediction: Mega, 4-3, in regulation.

Dingle: It was a close call for Hookers last Sunday after bribing the refs getting a fortunate play-on call allowed them to score the OT winner against Butchers. In this one, they’ll need all the Abraham Lincolns and George Washingtons they can bring to get some calls to go their way against Mega. Just remember the rules of BTSH: 

1. Don’t be a dick
2. Make sure to also grease the wheels of your Media Editors 🙂

Demons v Riots

Jess: While the Demons lost the majority of their exemption vote players (shocker), they were able to get Brad approved, who will no doubt provide some defensive fire power. Riots have the edge with goaltending but Demons have the edge with offense. It’s gonna be a tight one. Prediction: Demons in OT

Rich: Not surprising the only two teams losing in the exemption vote were Filthier and the Demons. If Neal, Jeff, Brad show up I like the Demons chances. But still going with Riots 2-1. 

Jess: idk who Neal is but if Neil comes I agree it’s better for the Demons

JW: Oh snap, Rich, she just JW’d you. 

RG: Revenge was a dish served scolding hot to me. Good job Jess. 

Jess: related/unrelated doesn’t Jeff look like a Disney channel villain from a ski movie?

Vertz v Lbs

Rich: Don’t let the Vertz lose their first playoff game. I’ll say something nice. Hicks did a great job building this franchise. In one season they’ve done more for the league than many franchises have in 5 seasons. They poached from everyone not just one team. But there’s no way they beat the Lbs. 4-1. 

Jim Apple: The story here is great and honestly could be turned into a movie pending the outcome of this game. The Lbs, favorites to win the game, are feared by many in the league and have played together for years. The Vertz, backed by America and with the odds stacked against them, must come together as a team despite their short tenure as an organization. The cast would be packed full of stars. I’d imagine we would see James Spader playing the role of Lbs captain, Alex Frey:

You’d have to think on the opposite end of the court Dwayne Johnson would be getting the call to be cast as Hicks:

Anyways, Vertz 4-3 and Hicks cries. 

Hicks: Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. You sweep Karma, you get Source to actually fill out the attendance form (which half the league apparently still struggles with, wtf?), and your reward is… a first round matchup with the Lbs. Sometimes life isn’t fair (much like sus play-in round reffing). In the hit TV series, The Blacklist, James Spader once said, “You can’t judge a book by its cover. But you can by it’s first few chapters and certainly by its last.” People (aka Rich) want to write off the Vertz based on their first few chapters but to quote Natasha Bedingfield: 

“Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain (fears) on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today (Sunday) is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten”

Rich: “Imagine spending all season working hard to secure a great playoff seed. “

Wait does Hicks think 15 is a great playoff seed???

Rainbows v Cobra Kai

Cat: I’m not going to pretend this is going to be our underdog karate kid moment BUT just a reminder that the last time Rainbows matched up against CK in the playoffs, I scored the first goal on Campbell and he still cries about it.

Dingle: We have some wild comparisons being thrown around right now (Hicks being compared to The Rock is an all-time ego boost). But having watched Rainbows over the years grow from a one-win franchise to an ~above .500 franchise~ even with notable players bouncing a week before the season **cough cough Yetter and Tarny cough cough**, they’re a good group of scrapers that are most importantly well-liked in the league. 

Does that mean they have what it takes to beat The Dojo? I don’t think so. In this matchup, I’d compare Rainbows to a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Sugary, yummy, overall a good time. But Cobra Kai are coming in like the kid who always raced to the front of the line for elementary school lunch, and they’re eatin’ good this Sunday. 

Nom nom, CK wins 5-2 after a eerily quiet first half where Rainbows stay in it until the floodgates open. 

Jess: Dingle is biased because he literally lives on the same street as Yetter. This preview is horseshit!!!! I’m kicking you both out of the south brooklyn carpool. 

WTP v Poutine

JW: The Pucks beat the Gremlins last week on the strength of stellar goaltending and defense, and they’re going to need it against Poutine……wait, actual hockey previews are boring. The Pucks are like……Oglethorpe, and Poutine are like……Emory? Hmm, maybe not. I don’t think either team are like Carl, nor the Mooninites, though. Only like 3 people get this reference, come on JW. I have never seen a single second of Game Of Thrones or The Sopranos, so this is what you get. 

In any case, the Pucks keep it close but Poutine takes this one, 4-2 (no empty netter). 

Dingle: I was fairly confident JW’s comparisons were a Slapshot reference, but then when he mentioned Mooninites, I’m thinking it’s a cult thing now? I dunno and we’re at the end of the previews, so Google it on your own time. 

We’ve got a one-loss Poutine team with a hell-if-I-know full roster going up against a scrappy WTP team that was penned in as possible D2 winners this season. If Hogg’s in net, it might be a closer affair than expected, but I’m in agreement with cult-loving JW here, Poutine win this one.  

Jess: I personally witnessed Mikey begging Jeff to keep things tame this Saturday night. Unless someone from WTP takes one for the team and invites Jeff to party at House of Yes until 4am, I think Poutine is safe. 

See you Sunday!!

by cristo_the_hawk

This is a weird week for play-in games. Many of these teams are finding themselves in the bottom 8 for the first time ever (HI VERTZ), and some of them are used to battling it out and then ultimately having fun in the Schlitz Cup.*

*The Schlitz Cup is an historic tournament run by Isaac and Walker for the 4 teams who lose the play-in round and the 4 teams who lose the first round of playoffs. The 8 teams must be in d4 or d3 to keep things fun and LIGHT.

Gremlins v WTP

This will probably be the most exciting game of the day. The Gremlins aren’t going to just roll over for WTP but at the same time, if they can’t convince Erich to come back from his idyllic upstate life this might be a more painful game.

Prediction: WTP 4-0.

Agents v Filthier

Even though Filthier lost to the Biters 10-3 last weekend, the level of hockey was still good. They have some dangerous players and unfortunately for the Agents – who only have 9 eligible players for this game due to an attendance miscommunication mishap- it’s not looking good.

Prediction: Filthier 7-0. 

Bad Seeds v Vertz

Another game that feels like it shouldn’t be happening, but with random rainouts and strength of schedule for other teams, the Vertz have found themselves down here with us plebs. I do think The Seeds are favorites for the Schlitz cup though!!

Prediction: Vertz 5-1. 

Butchers v Hookers

Again, shocked The Hookers are even in this situation but it won’t necessarily be a slaughterhouse for the knife pigs – The Butchers defense and goaltending is incredibly solid. Still, the Hookers have acquired some talent this year and having Danillo is just a total cheat code. 

Prediction: Hookers 6-1.

The Weekly Previews,

are in Haiku form because

we have writer’s block.

–

Fresh Kills v Mega

Fresh air gives us life

In the megalopolis,

and kills steel by touch. (FK wins 4-2)

–

Agents v Karma

JW: 

I don’t know how to

write a haiku but I do

know Karma will win.

–

Wine tastes great with age

Gents! Don’t drink drive your car—mark

a Lyft when you win. (Karma takes the W)

–

Sky Fighters v What the Puck

What is the blue sky?

The match involves the fighters—

Puck surely must win. (SF wins in OT, 2-1)

–

Demons v Fuzz

Denim beasts won’t lose

If the ball of lint crumbles

Since its house will, too. (Fuzz wins 5-1)

–

Hookers v Rainbows

Dark sage at the core

Leers pensively at the rain

Bows to vi’let tho(ugh)ts. (Hookers win by SO, 3-2)

–

Butchers v Cobra Kai

Knife-pigs and the snakes

This could be a pig bloodbath

Let’s hope Brady scores

Prediction: The Dojo takes the win 4-0.

–

Riots v Filthier

Organized riots

are not at all filthier

than Tompkins’ bathrooms. (Filthier wins 3-1)

–

Biters v Poutine

An old French grandma,

Once bit me on my ankle.

We are now lovers.

Poutine, 2-1

–

Gremlins v Lbs

This jersey matchup,

Reminds me of corn kernels. 

Let’s get it poppin’

Lbs, 6-1

–

Already dead meme

Gremlins will score zero goals

Cover Alex May

Lbs. 8-0

–

Seeds v Vertz

Swirling wind diverts

Good and bad seeds to rich soil,

Which needs to be hot. (Vertz wins 3-1)

–

This week we told the writers f*ck it, NO CONTEXT hockey previews – write whatever pops into your mind about these teams. Some people rambled, some people wrote haikus, some people totally misunderstood the assignment – what will those crazy media kids say next?

What the Puck v Lbs

Where the hell is Phil? They could use Tarnow but he’s probably stuck in Croatia. Avery only owns two hats: outdoor voices and Alo yoga — v pretentious brands for an unpretentious hockey player. 

Lbs win it 5-0.

Rainbows v Poutine

Jess has a black eye.

Even though I saw it happen, I know Poutine did it to her.

Poutine 4-1.

Biters v Lbs

Amy is a fantastic arm wrestler.

Caitlin is not but she loves cats way more than Amy.

Lbs. 5-2

Alex’s last name sounds like the number 3.

There are 3 letters in his team name.

Illuminati confirmed, Lbs win this game.

Riots v Butchers

Riots have two guys named Ian, which I find interesting because I don’t think I know one Ian.

All BTSH-related measurements should be measured in a new unit called, “Chadwicks”. 

Riots 4-2

Hookers v Filthier

I saw Pigozzi play with freshly tatted ink last Sunday #metal

Ellie doesn’t have any tattoos (but an unreliable rumor I just started says she’s going to get the PBR cup put on her face if Filthier wins it all).

Hookers in OT 3-2.

What the Puck v Fresh Kills

Orange is a strangely popular hockey color, and because of other NYC hockey leagues—that will not be mentioned*—seeing Henry wear any color besides orange is weird.

We see more of Ariel with his primary home in Florida than we did with his main home in New York. 

FK 5-3

*Editor’s note: If you’re a woman, please consider signing up for d5 hockey on tuesdays we need less smelly dudes and more girl power

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Every single time I ask Walsh who’s ahead in one of his Fuzz games (and it’s usually Fuzz), he says, “The good guys.” This was kinda funny the first time. Like four years ago or whenever that team started.

Cobra Kai Season 5 on Netflix is also not so funny anymore.

This game goes to a shootout and Brita wins it for The Dojo.

Bad Seeds v Sky Fighters

Was so great seeing so many of the long time BTSH’rs playing for the Bad Seeds last week: Liza, Tommy, Scotty, Zach and Diane…

The Sky Fighters kid line is back from Israel and I think they both just turned 21. One of their fathers played in the league when the aforementioned Seeds showed up more regularly!

Sky Fighters for the W

Gremlins v Poutine 

Allison is a sick drummer – she played in Awesome Color (check them out) – coolest Gremlin by far. A member of Poutine said to me and I quote, “See Jess, we’re a different team now, we respect refs!!!” 

Poutine takes it 6-1.

Rainbows v Agents

Dana Rainbow bought a shot at Doc Holliday’s so I could go to the bathroom in a civilized manner.* Such a selfless act. Others should also do this for me (23andMia)

The Agents’ diverse makeup is fantastic. They have a fellow named Leaf, which is also fantastic.

The Rainbows are more fantastic and take it 5-1

*Editor’s sarcastic note: I’m sure it was really, really hard for Dana to have to take a shot at Doc’s

Demons v Mega Touch

I keep seeing Adam running through our neighborhood. I always yell out but he never hears me. What is he listening to? And does he step on those moths* we’re supposed to kill because they’re eating all our crops?

Alex is a fantastic illustrator and very creative, but not creative enough to talk his team out of choosing shirts that are Rainbow pink.

Mega 3-2

*Editor’s note: Lantern Fly, red and gray speckled, if you see one kill it!!!!

Karma vs. Vertz

JW: Is Karma vs. Vertz the new Karma vs. Poutine rivalry? Does BTSH even have any rivalries left? Also, does Derek Z. even play anymore? Are the Vertz hot or cold right now? Will Nicole ever come back to visit us? Will Hicks have Taco Bell right before this game? I have no idea on any of these, the only thing I do know is that one of these teams definitely needs to be on a color change for this game. 

Prediction: Karma takes this one, 3-2 in regulation. 

Dingle: JW didn’t read the media’s email about no-hockey context previews

Demons v Seeds

Jess: Demons are chihuahuas don’t @ me. “Oh but Jess, why wouldn’t you pick something more intimidating?” Have you ever dealt with a chihuahua? That’s the original hell hound. 

Bad Seeds are the Komondor. Look, I don’t make the rules. But this dog seems pretty laid back, been around for a while, and like they’ve seen some shit.

Chihuahua wins against most dogs due to sheer insanity. Demons take it 3-0.

Butchers v Gremlins

Dingle: This is Gremlins’ first dogged matchup of the day against the alway formidable Butchers. In the first of a few animated dog head-to-heads, Butchers are Kung Fu Phooey because I’m assuming there’s more than a 65% Walker had him on a lunchbox growing up.

Butchers on the other hand are Scrappy Doo. Not the star of the show (unless Scrappy had his own spin-off that I’m not aware of), but still a lovable centerpiece to a storied cartoon series. 

Prediction: Gremmies squeak out a 4-2 win (empty netter by Marcella)

Sky Fighters v Gremlins

23andMia: This is the hypoallergenic battle of the day because neither team is anything to sneeze at. (Someone besides me or JW predict what’s going to happen. Or not, and just admire the cuteness of the labradoodle.)

Dingle: No need to fear…Underdog is here!!! But not actually. Sky Fighters win easily, 6-1

Butchers v Rainbows

JW: I don’t know anything about dog breeds (nor care), but I do know about cartoon dogs. If we went by their name, the Butchers would be Butch the Bulldog, the nemesis of Pluto. But, they really aren’t at all like Butch (and the Rainbows certainly are not like Pluto). The Butchers are more like the Catillac Cats, a ragtag group who……live in a junkyard? Wait, this was supposed to be about dogs…the Butchers are like Santa’s Little Helper, in that they are incredibly loyal to their (Butchers) family. Also they once replaced Duffman as the mascot for Duff beer.

The Rainbows are like Michelangelo in that they are constantly eating pizza (did Baker’s finally close? Man I hope so.), and skateboarding. Wait, also not a dog. The Rainbows are also incredibly loyal to their (Rainbows) family, but I used that already. Ehh, what the hell, it’s true so I’ll use it again – The Rainbows are like Loyal Heart Dog the (famous?) Care Bear Cousin.

The Butchers get their first win of the season, 2-1. 

Bad Seeds v Mega Touch

CATT: thank you to Mega Touch for giving me a reason to research which dog breeds are the most mega to touch (i.e., fluffiest). After much research and thoughtful consideration, I am going to have to say that Mega is an Old English Sheepdog. I think one of the hard hitting articles I read put it best: “Despite its shaggy smiles, the sheepdog is a real worker on a sheep farm, where their herding abilities keep everybody in line.” 

Meanwhile, the Bad seeds dogg-elgänger is so obvious it hurts, no research required: The Tramp. Despite the new name and logo (?Tramp’s collar), many of these players have been around (the league! Sheesh). Plus, I am willing to bet they would share a plate of spaghetti with a cocker spaniel. It all adds up. 

Prediction: I suppose the Tramp would never lose. Sorry Mega, I predict you’ll be outfoxed by the seeds 3-2.

Agents v Poutine

23andMia: Obviously, the Agents are super mutts, so mixed that identifying even one breed is difficult. But they are lovable and you’re never quite sure what you’re going to get!

Poutine is in first place looking back at other dogs. They are the border collie, known for stamina, drive and speed. They are prone to chasing cars and winning. Like against The Agents 5-1.

Fresh Kills v Karma

Glnzr: 2022 Fresh Kills is like the Junk Yard Dog, or JYD. They have all the talent in the world, but have yet to put it all together. Either way, JYD is both dog and wrestling royalty as he made the WWE HOF earlier this century. 

Of course Karma are like the British Bulldogs. While of course Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid were cousins, Karma is all about family with a plethora of siblings playing. 

Sadly, everyone is dead in these photos and I’m now depressed. I imagine both teams will forget to tell the other they each wear blue and everyone will be blue/depressed on Sunday. 

If they play FK wins bc I envision Karma having terrible attendance, 5-1. 

Jess: Rich, you’re fired

CATT: this is insane. We are obviously this dog. Win or lose, we look good.

Demons v Riots

CATT: TIL that Scooby’s full name is Scoobert Doo. Congratulations Riots. You are Scoobert. I bet in your downtime you assist haphazardly with the solving of all manner of whodunit mysteries! But on the courts you’re focused on having a good time and getting some good sprints in to practice keeping up with your owner. Success-adjacent, here for a good time: Scoobert Doo!

Demons are Clifford. Big, red, and slightly terrifying, but ultimately a staple of BTSH tradition. 

(Photo credit to the New Yorker; link if you’re bored: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/clifford-the-big-red-dogs-latest-adventures)

Prediction: gotta give it to big red here. No chance Scooby can go toe to toe with the world’s largest dog! Ruh-Roh. 4-3 demons.

Filthier v Lbs

23andMia: Filthier is the dog who lost a leg when the leg moved to Texas.

Llbs is a high prey dog, like the Samoyed. Being high Frey, I mean prey, they cannot help but hunt. They also have wills of steel. Lb,s 4-2

Vertz v Anklebiters

23andMia: Vertz are the American Eskimo Dog, hailing from the Midwest where it performed in traveling circuses throughout the 19th century. “Eskies” are known for being social and valuing family life.

23andMia: The Anklebiters are the American Staffordshire Terrier: they have an active lifestyle and thrive when kept occupied with physical AND mental challenges. 

Pretty sure one or both would hump your leg. Vertz would stop after being distracted by a treat, but the Biters would grind like there’s no tomorrow. Biters 3-2

CATT: Vertz are the dogs of the ocean: dolphins. It’s on their jerseys. We all know why. 

Fuzz v Hookers

Fuzz:

Hookers

Dingle: No write-up. No predictions. Glnzr requested this to be a Hero appreciation post. 

Hookers 5-4 (*evil laugh*)

WTP v Cobra Kai

Plot twist: This match will be a dog fight (calm down, I mean as in fighter jets a la Top Gun). 

Plot twistier: Both teams are Ice Man. 

Dingle: Playing off the “dog” and “fighting”, WTP are the infamous Red Baron while Cobra Kai are the live-action version of Underdog (I don’t know why I felt the need to include two Underdog references.)

I only know like two people who watched Underdog, and about a million who read/watched Peanuts. So edge to Snoopy/WTP, 5-3.