btsh.org

By Various Media Members

Here we go again! Another action-packed Sunday of hockey shenanigans. Will there be The Return of the Funnel? Will anybody propose? Will anyone come to the courts looking swole? Hell if we know. But we’ve got some fun matchup notes for ya…

Karma v Filthier

Jess: Hoo boy don’t we all love a grudge match and Karma has been waiting for this one ever since last year’s playoffs vs. Filthy when they were denied a female sub despite only having 1 female player. Luckily the rain had mercy on Karma and the following weekend’s rain make up game Karma had no mercy on Filthy. Now that your BTSH history lesson is over, this impartial writer is here to give the straight facts. Those being that Filthy is still to be reckoned with due to their off-season recruiting and without Derek as Karma’s offensive anchor (no offense, AK) Karma will have to fight hard. I think this goes to OT 2-2 but Filthier ultimately takes it.

Glnzr: Filthier had a great win last week. I’m more interested in Scotty training their refs at 2:15 p.m. I’m sure they’ll do great. As for the game, Filthier should have let Karma use some women last year. Karma will be motivated and win 4-1. 

Anklebiters v WTP

Hornswoggle: The red side of Manchester isn’t just rejoicing for their new Dutch manager, but also (unknowingly) rooting for Puck’s own captain to put the Orange Crush on its intra-divisional rivals. Don’t believe me? (Well, the original tweet was deleted but someone posted this on YouTube.)

Hogg probably won’t get 10 but he’ll help the Pucks get two points.

Dingle: ^ I understood the Manchester United part of Jerome’s bit but then I got lost.

Lil cat: My roommate* tells me confidently that WTP is going to win and alsoooo their new recruit (Adam) is the current leading scorer. If they can get the attendance, I would agree with this assessment. 

*editor’s note: if that’s what the kids are calling it these days 

Steven: I had a little league coach who said “the hardest part is showing up.” Which is kinda true. Attendance is a crazy concept in BTSH. I mean has anyone seen Probert in the last 2 years? However, this games doesn’t come down to Probert or who shows up on WTP, rather it all depends on whether Craig and SARAH MOORE* show up for Biters. If they are present, Biters win 4-2. 

*Viva SARAH MOORE

Vertz v Hookers

CATT:   I’m just going to brainstorm bowl names for this. The Lineup Bowl. The Perp Bowl. Misdemeanor Bowl. No matter what you call it, there will likely be a few assistant district attorneys in attendance. The real question is whether there will be enough Vertz in attendance. Outside of street hockey, one is more than enough (read: too many) for any occasion. However, to take down the Hookers this Sunday the Vertz will need to bring their moral turpitude in full force. Prediction: With anything less than ten true Vertz in attendance, the Hookers play the field and take their two points off the dresser: 4-2. Ten or more Vertz? The Hookers do not get paid.

Jess: Misdemeanor Bowl has a nice ring to it. I also agree that without certain players the Vertz are less of a threat. Still, I can’t believe the Hookers almost lost to the Riots and with Tim K being another top goalie in the league, regardless of lineup attendance I still see the Vertz taking this one 3-1. 

Stoop Dogg: This is more than just a battle of sexually charged names, it’s the battle between families. We have the Herr-Hicks’ on the Verts which is a French word meaning, “green, uncouth, and immature,” which feels on brand for the newly created team. Then we have just Herr on the Hookers which is just slang word for “prostitute,” which – well let’s dress Lee up in his tutu again and have him stand on a street corner and see what happens. Either way, these are both highly skilled teams that have—in the Verts case— just been made, or for the Hookers—have taken on a number of new players and are still trying to get in their groove. This sibling match-up will prove interesting to watch, assuming both teams can actually field their teams, – I say Hookers 2-1 in OT. 

Russo: As someone playing in this game, if Lee wears a tutu, it will definitely be a distractor. Early entry for the “Hot Legs” competition. 

Mega Touch v Poutine

Glnzr: There are a couple of “See where you’re at” games this week and this is one of them. Mega is clearly on the rise while Poutine lost a lot of their best players. It will be interesting to see if Mega has jumped Poutine, and if Poutine is still a threat. I think Poutine has the talent to still beat some pretty good teams but Mega prevails here, 4-2. 

Stoop Dogg: Mega Touch should not be underestimated, they are a solid team who have some sneaky young and very skilled players. Poutine has also lost a number of great players including Russolini the Atomic Tortellini and “Tadpole” Jack. I think if Mega brings it early, they will take home the win 3-1. 

Dingle: I’m pretty sure the score of this matchup last year was 3-1 (with an empty netter) for Mega. Don’t sleep on the new Pou Crew. Still a lot of firepower up front and Jeff Verde (that’s his Portuguese alias) in net. In all seriousness, the fact that Jeff hasn’t had a Vice show made about his pandemic activities is wild. 

Sky Fighters v Agents

Jess: I’ll say what everyone is thinking but in meme format because I’m bad at expressing my emotions*

*according to my therapist

In all seriousness we want The Agents to succeed! It’s shit luck that the Sky Fighters are in the 4th division this year. They just need a lucky break in their schedule. I am confident no team will ever repeat the Rainbow’s 1 year+ loss streak back in 2018. However, this one goes to the Sky____Fighters 5-0. 

Lil cat: Hopefully Emily shows some mercy.

Glnzr: In 2008 and 2015 the Elves went through some really horrible stretches. In 2010 we won the championship, so there’s hope! But after 2015 we disbanded so there’s also no hope. 

Dingle: @Glnzr, that literally translated to “sometimes teams are good and sometimes teams are bad.” Very insightful.

Steven: Agents shouldn’t be discouraged by what happens this week. Sky Fighters are an unstoppable force. They are playing so well that Jake was even able to get a girlfriend. Emily continues on path to glory with 8-0 win.

Fuzz v Lbs

JW: Is Amanda the nicest person on Fuzz? Well, it’s either her or Ryann. Or both.  In any case, these two teams have a long history. Well, not long to the veterans among us, but they have some history. Lbs. have been eager to foil Fuzz ever since Fuzz won their *1.5th championship against them in a shootout. In the dark. Nonetheless, a lot of questions remain: How many semi-pro hockey players will Alex recruit for this game? Will Walsh be back from France in time for this game? Who is Fuzz’ goalie this year? Will Boylan full on tackle Glanzer during gameplay?

Prediction: Alex will recruit 2 semi-pro hockey players for this game.

Glnzr: Clearly Walker isn’t up to date on Ryann and D5. Also Ryan Hughes is by far nicer than everyone that ever played in this league with the obvious exception of Corey Winters. 3-2 Fuzz. 

Jess: This will be the first real test the Lbs will face all season and quite possibly the only team to have an emotional strong hold over them (re: playoffs losses). Fuzz has the same full-team passing chemistry as Avery-Sam or Alex-Kelsey. I foresee another OT heartbreaker but will neglect to say for which team.

Dingle: Walker doesn’t want people to know it’s his birthday on Sunday. 

Demons v Gremlins

Lil cat: Two teams very hungry for their first win, also while we’re still making up bowl names, what about the Monster Bowl? Am I reaching? Is this not as fun because it’s not as sexual as Hookers and Vertz? Who’s to say.

Glnzr: You kids don’t know what the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup was. BTSH is really lacking some new history. Maybe these new bowls that Cat is creating will be just what this league needs. But Monster Bowl (overused phrase warning) isn’t it. 3-2 Gremmies. 

Dingle: We’ve come a long way from “Which Mythological Creature is Your Team?” But if we’re on the topic, I think Demons would be Cerberus and the Gremlins would be Gizmo*

*Just found out Gizmo in Gremlins was “voiced” by Howie Mandel. The more you know.

Bad Seeds v Butchers

Glnzr: I’d rather see Chadwick’s and Rachel’s kid race from goal to goal than watch this game. But that’s not an insult. I’d rather see them do that than watch any game! BTSH, Mets Rangers etc. THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!

23andMia: Rich, your grammar makes it look like Chadwick and Rachel share a child. This is how rumors start! The team who spawned the most in 2021-2022 is sick of all the shit and eeks it out: Butchers for the win.

Glnzr: Hey…Ben can and has done a lot worse than Rachel Greene! Rachel though…has not. 

Steven: Bad Seeds are underrated and will surprise a few teams this year. However Brady inspires his teammates with beautiful hair and a fine mustache to their first win of the season. 

Rainbows v Riots

Jess: We’ve told our goalie the last 2 games ‘yeah so we’re playing against a team with one of the best goalies in the league’ (Tim K for Vertz, Jamie for Gremlins) and now we’re gonna have to tell him that again with Ramirez in net.

Glnzr: Bold move giving your goalie an inferiority complex. I wish you luck. Riots 3-1. 

JW: Having played the Rainbows last and having lost to them, I can say that these are not the ‘Bows of yore. They hustle, move the puck well, and were fairly stifling on D. I have not seen the Riots play this year, but having Ramirez in net will definitely give them a shot.  Nonetheless, Rainbows 2-1. 

Steven: Two teams on the upward trajectory, how exciting! I think the Riot’s kitten mascot motivates a team who is seeking to break. Amy Jones feels inspired and scores one and assists another. However, the Cat and Jess dynamic duo is a significant reason to believe in Rainbows. As the great Lee Corso says, this game will be closeeeeee, but Riots win 4-3.

Cobra Kai v Fresh Kills

Hornswoggle: Both clubs are fighting for the bottom spot in their division. Russ has been busy attempting to swell and Meg has likely packed her goalie pads in her U-Haul. Considering it’s the 6pm game, I think there will be limited personnel, which could mean that Fresh Kills will be muttering Quebecois bad words as the Dojo lights them up.

Stoop Dogg: I must admit, I have a big soft spot in my heart for the perpetually short benched Fresh Kills. It seems they can never field a team of more than 8 people; despite the lack of subs, they always give their opponents a good game. Cobra Kai on the other hand, seems to always have a plethora of bodies on the sideline. It’s like 27 dresses but instead, 27 subs. If Fresh Kills can have more than 6 people show up for the game, with their ability to pick corners, their strong Colby Hockey Contingent, silky mitts, and George’s even silkier beard (I am guessing, I have never touched his beard!) they could shut down Cobra Kai and take home the W. But, I doubt this will happen, so I am going to say Cobra Kai 5-2.

by cristo_the_hawk

In the spirit of #content, we are bringing the blacktop denizens a MDW/post mother’s day/pre father’s day themed article. Prepare yourselves for mostly cute and some cringe-worthy baby pics of your fellow BTSHers! Try to guess who’s who—we’ll have an answer key down below but we’ll give you a hint to which team they’re on. Note: We tried to get someone from every team but understandably not everyone wants their baby photos blasted into the interwebs, and for that, we thank all of y’all who shared!

1) Hint: Cobra Kai

2) Hint: Fresh Kills

3) Hint: Vertz

4) Hint: Sky Fighters

5) Hint: Dark Rainbows

6) Hint: Demons

7) Hint: Gremlins

8) Hint: Lbs

9) Hint: Demons

10) Hint: Biters

11) Hint: Biters

12) Hint: Demons

13) Hint: Bad Seeds

14) Hint: Bad Seeds

15) Hint: Dark Rainbows

16) Hint: Mega Touch

Hint: Commissioner

ANSWERS: 1) Campbell 2) Meg 3) Russo 4) Jake K 5) Wagner 6) Tracy 7) Marcella 8) Hilary 9) Neil 10) Sarah M

11) Probie 12) Sammi 13) Scott K 14) Heather 15) Jess 16) Alex EM 17) Russ

by Russ

We (your media overlords) gave Glnzr off for his birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH) and unfortunately commissioner Russ decided to fill in for writing stars this week.

Third Star – Ben Chadwick

Ben scored all of the goals for both teams in the Mega vs. Butchers game. Just like Lou Williams, whose shoes Chadwick was rocking during the game, he was coming off the bench just dominating play. He was so good an unnamed former Olympian broke her stick in frustration and said “He’s the best I’ve ever seen!” After the game, a former unnamed Yale hockey alumni was overheard saying “I don’t know why I went to play at Yale…I should have gone wherever he was trained.”

Second Star – Craig & da Biters

Without the presence of their star captain “Ben Bachelor Party”, Craig and his ragtag group of bitters took down a formidable Fresh Kills team in a shootout in spite of the best efforts of “George the goal scoring goalie”* who put in a hat trick. But at the end of the day it was the veteran leadership of Chewy, Joe P, and “shot blocking Sarah” that took home the glory. 

*Editor’s note: I’m pretty sure ROTY ’21 Louis is the goalie of the FK Five but we’ll just have to settle this at 7B on a random saturday night.

First Star – Cheeky, Nico, and Scottiieee (blink 182 guy)

They all refereed 3 games on sunday! What a performance! Yes, they may make $20 for drinking cold beers while they are reffing (and you can too!!) But that’s not why they are doing it. They are doing it to give back to a league that gives so much to them, and It’s important that we all remember that this league can only run if we ALL put in! And while there are some teams (Filthier) who forget the importance of having some of their players ref, we still know that they are good people and will come around eventually, because at the end of the day we want the same thing –  two people on neither team that we can blame the result on. And it’s only by signing up to ref that you can  help people achieve their dreams or give them an excuse for why things didn’t go their way.

Honorable mention:

Rubins – who got taken down and took a gnarly slide on the pavement, but got up tapped himself up and went out there to finish the game. 

Allison and Roberts –  for taking the time to give back and reffing their first game this week.

Rich & Walsh – played some lockdown D in their win over a very sexy Cobra Kai team.

Mia – For being the Ice queen and bringing ice for the people.

Russell – he looked really jacked and had a hot sexy sick goatee and it totally gave the courts the feel of an exclusive night club.*

Editor’s note: first-hand eye-witness accounts state he didn’t actually look that jacked

by various media members

Gremlins v Rainbows

Hornswoggle: If Erich captains the team, first thing he’ll do is rename it “Grahamlins”. Sorry, Jess, I got the team in dijon mustard snagging two points. I’ll be glad if you prove me wrong.

Hicks: Having just played the bows this past Sunday, I can say that is a solid team. Good goaltending, good attitudes, and a bunch of people with really good shots. If the vertz didn’t have Tim in net, our game with them would’ve been way closer. Bows by 3.

Agents v Bad Seeds

23andMia: If The Agents were on a dinner date, they’d have had one bad cocktail and are waiting for appetizers in awkward silence. All to say, establishing chemistry can take time. Something sparks by the end of the main course, but till then, Bad Seeds 5-1.

Steven: I played Bad Seeds last week and they are good. Their offense produced some impressive scoring opportunities while their defense and goaltending was able to keep Karma to three goals. That said, three players from the Agents met us out at Ace for beers and it was really nice to meet them. Bad Seeds win by 4, but hope to see the Agents at the bar. 

CATT: Three agents at the bar means three goals for the agents. It’s a direct correlation. There were no Bad Seeds at the bar, so they probably won’t score at all. On the other hand, they also seemed to put back a few at the courts…not sure what that correlates to. Either 3-0 agents or 4 (twelve packs)-3, with Bad Seeds taking the W. 

Riots v Skyfighters Sky Fighters

Glnzr: I just hope someone finally punches Walker in both eyes so he doesn’t see you spelled the Sky Fighters with one word again. Also I just really want Walker punched, obv. 3-2 Sky Fighters. 

Hornswoggle: yeah nahhh I want him to see single-worded Skyfighters until his eyes fall out of his sockets… much less painful than being punched. Anyway, Skyfighters seem to be on a tear for their first two matches and the Riots, despite the loss to the Hookers, are showing a marked improvement compared to last season. This will be a tight game, but I see the Riots causing a shake-up in the fourth division ranks with a dub.

Steven: The Sky Fighters are the real deal. First they defeat the Demons, then they frustrate Filthier. How do they handle their toughest challenge yet? It comes down to whether the Fighters can rely on (i) KG to execute its fast paced transition strategy; and (ii) Mike Stern to score from half court again. Obviously Suz, Vanck and the rest of the Riots have other plans. They normally run three women on the court at once, talk about a power play. The pundits are asking whether Ian and Margot can make the difference? Or will the Riots rely on secondary scoring from Chunky Monkey their 4 week old kitten mascot who apparently loves drinking from the bottle of glory. 

23andMia: Thisisgonnabeagoodgame

Mega Touch v Butchers

JW: Man I miss Erich on the rink. Oops, is this preview not about the Gremlins? My mistake. Mega Touch are way better than in years past. We played them Week 1 and they were absolutely stifling. The Butchers are having a rough time, but rumour has it that Rachel, Arthur, and Ellis are coming this Sunday. Will Ben, Jessie, and Lionel also come? These are the only things I care about with regard to this game. 

23andMia: Butcher babies are in tow Sunday. Due to all the cuteness, everyone forgets about playing, tugging toes and pinching cheeks when Julie and Olivier’s toddler breaks away, scores a goal, and celebrates in French… game on! Alok continues his streak, Courtney/Shelly/Tash do great things and Mega wins 4-2.

Anklebiters v Fresh Kills

Jess: The Biters hung tough with Fuzz in a 22 round OT shootout yet lost to Mega by 1 goal last weekend (sans Probie). Either Mega is way better than we are all giving them credit for (def true), the Biters can’t win without Probie (def not true) or the blacktop is a cruel mistress and most games can really be up in the air with who wins unless there’s a huge skill deficit. Fresh Kills has an attendance problem so it’s quite a toss up but I’ll still give this one to them, 4-2. 

CATT: guess who started the migration to ace last week? It’s the same person who will score the GWG this week: SARAH MOORE. 4-3 biters.

Demons v Poutine

Jess: shin bones will be broken 

Russo: Both teams are out for more blood than usual this week. Poutine’ coming off a 6-1 loss, and Demons, 9-2. Until Demons can shore up their defense, gotta give the edge to Poutine here. Expect Demon Yeff to have a goal waived off for being in the crease, and Poutine to edge out a high-scoring affair, 6-4.

Glnzr: Karina went to school with my niece so I’m gonna go with 4-3 Poutine. 

23andMia: Can’t stop this feeling that with the Tompkins cracks wider than ever, someone is going to get really hurt by getting their foot caught in a gap and twisting an ankle or jamming their stick in a crack and gouging themselves. There’s a hint of worry this might happen during this match up, which will be undoubtedly hard fought. Do I play Demon’s advocate and say Red takes it? They’ll put up a good fight for sure, but I predict Jerome’s fancy footwork will carry Poutine to safety and the win.

Cobra Kai v Fuzz

Jess: wowowow the rematch from last szn’s finals. #teamsig i’ll try to not be biased but *screaming seagull meme* lets goooo cobra kai. Sadly I think fuzz may take this in another heartbreaker but they’ll have to win it in OT, 3-2. 

Glnzr: I don’t know this meme. But I do know I want revenge for CK beating us in  2019 and 2021. Hope Casca plays in nets bc I don’t like Campbell’s vibes* and I want to score on Casca now that we are D5 teammates. 3-2 Fuzz in regulation.

Steven: Fuzz was the opening team yet did nothing to help set up. 

Glnzr: Hey…if Fresh Kills don’t have to pay their bar tab why should we have to set up?

*Editor’s note: the current state of Campbell’s vibes being good or bad is yet to be determined. 

Meatbox Edit: Campbell’s vibes are always good.

Hookers v Lbs

Hornswoggle: Can I say it? I’ma say it. Hookers getting pounded, boys.

Hicks: WELCOME TO POUND TOWN

Jess: Alright I guess it’s up to me to write something coherent. At this point in the season it’s tough to make comparisons but historically, Hookers > Demons. HOWEVER the Lbs taking the Demons to “pound town” last weekend and the Hookers too-close-for-comfort game vs The Riots has me thinking this game will still be a regulation win in the Lbs’ favor 4-1 if they arrive at full roster strength. Next time someone else do this game preview/ please stop making me write nice things about the Lbs or Frey might think I’m actually rooting for them to win the PBR cup this year. 

Glnzr:  Jess” please stop making me write nice things about the Lbs or Frey might think I’m actually rooting for them to win the PBR cup this year.” JESS IS ROOTING FOR FUZZ!!!*

*Editor’s note: no i am not

Karma v WTP

Russo: Feel like Karma and WTP play each other every other week. 

23andMia: Know what you mean, these are two well-matched teams: skilled, smart and each blessed with good hair. So, if they did play against each other every other week, it might go to Karma one week and WTP the other. If the mighty brother-sister duo Cory and Bri show up, Karma takes it 3-2 in regulation. If not, possibly another shoot out for WTP a la Week 1.

CATT: I subbed for WTP last week for karma points… as in, I am literally hoping WTP forgets which team I’m on and passes to me so that I can score actual points for Karma… However, it’s far more likely that I create general chaos in the D-zone, Steve’s hair makes at least four saves, and Stabel scores the GWG on an inbounds from Bill. 1-0 Karma.

Vertz v Filthier

Glnzr: Oh no, after Vertz dismantled the Rainbows it appears I was wrong and they did steal all our good players. We’re all doomed. But on the other hand…Filthier won’t be tired from reffing so I think I’ll go 5-0 Vertz instead of 7. 

Steven: Poor Tim K was probably promised he would only face 8 shots with a highly charged and talented Vertz team in front of him. Yet, last week he bailed out his team with about two dozen huge saves while Jack and Hicks got the glory for scoring a few goals. This week, he plays his former team, who underwent a near complete turnover in personnel. Vertz win big.

Hicks: I wonder if either team will ask for league subs given it’s the weekend before MDW. That would be a bold move for sure. 

_____________________________

by cat

Rise and shine BTSH campers! Hope everyone enjoyed a summery Sunday, with an honorable mention to Hicks for best dressed, the man knows how to dress for the weather (kicking off my first Stars write-up the way I want, with an HM in my second sentence). Hicks: Please share buylinks in the comments, thanks in advance.

I’m still acquainting myself with this season’s team dynamics, new players, etc. and sadly Steve isn’t feeding me any information so I have to just wildly conjecture instead. This week we had interdivisional games so there were a lot of blowout wins and a couple of fun upsets – smell the drama!!! 

THIRD STAR – Brandon

One of the closer game scores of the day was Riots vs Hookers, with Hookers narrowly beating Riots 4-3 – the so-called media was split on predictions for this one, the Riots are having a glow-up so beating a D2 team didn’t seem so impossible, but in the end they fell short and Hookers finished first.

Congrats to Brandon, a new addition to the Hookers who scored his first ever BTSH goal! 

SECOND STAR – Greg

Skyfighters have consistently been growing from year to year in confidence, morale, talent, Emily’s pushup count – and they showed this Sunday that their star will continue to rise. They were the underdogs against Filthier but they set an early lead and were able to maintain in the second, with a final score of 4-2. 

Probably could have given the star to any number of Skyfighters players but this week it goes to Greg who sniped a goal early in the game, setting the whole tone. 

FIRST STAR – Alok

I don’t think anyone is stupid enough to underestimate Mega Touch in the year of our lord 2022 but it is still always impressive to watch them pull off a so-called upset. This was a hard fought match up though granted the Biters were probably deeply hungover from their team dinner the previous evening. 

Alok hasn’t played recently but shook off the cobwebs and scored both of MT’s goals against the Anklebiters, securing their win in a 2-1 game!

Honorable Mention

The children, the ‘future’ if you will, of BTSH – Walsh’s daughters helped set up and when Cheeky’s co-ref was too hungover to show up, Liza’s son Harley did a superlative job filling in during the Karma/Bad Seeds game.

Not Star

Lol Russ what did you do to the attendance Google form