btsh.org

by various media members

Fuzz v Lbs

Glnzr: Frey we are trendsetters! We didn’t play on a perfectly fine day so now no one did.
I never use this word, but Heroes!

Alex: I just want two things down for the record: a) we had a full lineup ready to go that day minus Zisser and Kelsey, and b) most of the people who complained about our game being postponed were probably the same ones who complained about having a draft in the Walker Tournament years ago.  Would love to have them on my D5 team just so I could trade them and watch the fireworks.  Anyways, as far as this matchup I have no idea who is showing up for Fuzz.  I haven’t taken attendance yet but we won’t have Scotty, Cherie or Avery and possibly more.  Should we just postpone again?  I’d like to see some division 4 players have further mental breakdowns, let’s make it happen.

Jess: This is how you guys look to me (and prob the rest of the league) rn.

Alex: Spiderman is an elite superhero, I’ll take it.

Rainbows v Sky Fighters

Jess: I’m missing this game, or should I say series since the powers that be decided to put our Sky Fighters games back-to-back this year WHEN I’M ON VACATION, HICKS. I’m going to split the difference and say each team will walk away with a hard-fought victory with game 1 going to the Sky Fighters 3-2. 

Alex: I’m going to say one team will walk away with a victory, and it will be the Sky Fighters.  5-2.

CATT: It’s pride week so I predict no one walks away, everyone sashays away instead! Sky Fighters do sashay away with the victory though…

Agents v Bad Seeds

Hornswoggle: Bottom division barnburner. Seeds are just about dominating their group, even notching a win against a third division rival. But The Agents are building chemistry and momentum as well, and this particular matchup will be a statement game for them. I’m expecting a lot of running, 50/50 clashes, and hunger from both sides. Seeds will take the match, but not without a blitz at the outset from The Agents.

Dingle: I love the bottom division games because sometimes they’re absolute wild cards. The game can be 8-6 with hat tricks from players on both teams or an unsuspecting goalie can stand on their head and blank the opposition. For entertainment purposes, let’s hope for a high-scoring affair 

23andMia: The Agents might be hitting a groove, but I suspect they’re not yet acclimated to playing in 87 degree heat whereas The Bad Seeds are old pros. Scotty Seed decides to show up, rousing the team in cheers about BS and scores a hat trick that seals the win.

Anklebiters v Cobra Kai

Glnzr: Anklebiters already toppled FK and if anyone besides Sarah could score on a penalty shot they would have beat Fuzz. But CK is a tougher matchup since they never give up scoring chances. Plus no Probie. 3-1 for the bad guys. 

Alex: It appears half of Cobra Kai will be missing this game for Russ’ wedding. Full credit to Russ for (presumably) having sex, but also for giving the Biters a shot to pull the upset.  Won’t be easy without Probert, who himself seems to be at a wedding every other weekend, but I’m betting on the underdog against a severely shorthanded dojo. 3-2 Biters.

23andMia: Pretty surprised Russ’s nuptials are not at BTSH as he and Allicat are sidelines staples. I really feel like I’ve seen Alli and her chair at games where Russ hasn’t even been around. Nevertheless, the game ends 1-1 in regulation, just like an equal partnership. But then The Biters take the W in OT and the power dynamic shifts. Blame ensues, therapy is sought, some might play for other teams here and there but they always return…all live happily ever after.

WTP v Hookers

Jess: WTP has an eclectic resume this season. From eking out a win against the Vertz to a comfortable no-Probie Biters win to a 4 goal loss against Karma, they’re kind of all over the place. The Hookers have a similarly hard-to-read season, their 2 wins coming as 1-goal games. I’m jet lagged and not sure if any of that made sense but TLDR this could be anyone’s game HOWEVER I am going to give it to WTP 2-0. 

Glnzr: Stand for something Jess. WTP 2-0. 

Hicks: The hookers have a lot of talented guys that no one is talking about and rumor has it multiple players on the team will be in rainbow tutus for this one. Give me the hookers in an “upset” and a side order of trauma from having to see lee in a tutu twice in under a month. 

Jess: LITERALLY did he even read what I said?! Excellent meme usage. 

Karma v Filthier

Glnzr: Michael Jackson popcorn meme.

*Editor’s note: Writers are required to make/insert their own memes. No freebies. 

Hicks: Karma by 4 or 5 for the second time this season. #neverforget

JW: Historically this would have been an easy one to call, with the obvious victory going to Filthier. However, Isaac and co. are now a powerhouse who could win the PBR Cup this year. Karma also have the goaltender edge, this week. The addition of the Salt Boyzzz will give Filthier a chance, but ultimately this one will go the way all of Karma’s games this season have gone. 

Prediction: 5-2 Karma, but we still miss Nicole. 

CATT: Karma’s teal unis reappear, dazzling filthier with their blinding beauty. Karma lends Filthier some Pit Vipers to help them deal with the aforementioned blinding beauty during the game (cause we’re nice like that). Filthier can’t really pull them off and they don’t play well as a result. Shocking everyone, they go home right after (losing) the game. 3-1, Karma.

Vertz v Fresh Kills

Hornswoggle: Jack a 10 but damn he chose to move at the worst time. Also a Wild fan so there’s that. Man will have to bench himself because the rest of the team will be playing defense against those French-Canadians, and y’all know he can’t stand playing D. Criticism of Vertz doesn’t mean the Kills are perfect, though; their losses may suggest they’ve encountered moments of misfortune because the league knows how stacked the roster is. And even playing through some moments of bad calls, bounced balls, and missed opportunities, the expectation is that Fresh Kills will take this match handily.

Glnzr: These two teams have arguably been the most disappointing so far. FK should contend for a championship but they are 2-2 and lost to a Probieless Anklebiters. Meanwhile the much talked about Vertz is 1-3, with their only win vs. Jess and the Rainbows. I think whoever shows up this week will come to play and it will be a super intense Vertz upset victory, 4-3. 

Riots v Mega Touch

JW: Since Jessica recently brought up the 1991 classic My Girl, I figured I would make a comparison here. The Riots are like Thomas J. in that: they wanted to be an astronaut, they can’t see without their glasses, and (spoiler alert)…..they’re going to die.

Glnzr: In the olden days, this should be GOTW. Eric Ramirez is shooting for MVP status by turning the Riots to a 3-1 record. New addition Kev is also helping this turnaround. Meanwhile, Mega is also 3-1 with new recruit Alex leading the way. This should be a really good game…but I gotta go with Mega 3-2. 

23andMia: This match up brings together two teams with really strong female players. They know it, we know it. But it’s not ego that bests the losers, it’s Pride: Mega takes it since there’s a good chance some key Riots will be elsewhere celebrating just being as a win.

Butchers v Gremlins

CATT: Gremlins versus Butchers sounds like a terrifying nightmare, but in actuality will be a blowout. Butchers take the gremlins out back and string ’em up for the slaughter. Oh wait…that still sounds rather terrifying. 4-0 butchers.

Hicks: who wants to be 1-4 more? (The answer is actually the Vertz). 

Steven: I am pretty pumped that one of these teams is going to get their first win of the season. What a time to be alive! It seems both teams have an issue scoring and you need one goal to win (except if we are in LOLSHOOTOUT world, where you need one LOLSHOOTOUT goal to win). I think we may have a 1-0 Butchers win on our hands. 

Poutine v Demons
Alex: Just a couple years ago this matchup would be prime fodder for speculation about how no one wants to ref this game and a brawl could break out at any moment.  Refs probably still don’t want to touch it due to sheer reputation but these teams have changed a lot.  Poutine remains a young scrappy bunch but keeps their cool way better than they used to while the Demons are far more concerned with partying and drugs than they are with winning these days, which is good because they have one win and unlimited drugs.  You absolutely love to see it.  Should be a hard fought matchup but I’m backing Poutine Reboot 5-3.

Hicks: this game hurts my shins.

Dingle: It may be early in the season, but all signs are pointing to a showdown between Poutine and Mega Touch for the Division 3 crown. Poutine are 3-1 on the year and have gotten some all around scoring from their squad with Pagsy (I believe he’s one of the 7 tied with 3 goals) leading Poutine in scoring this year thanks to a Week 1 hat trick. Demons on the other hand have an inverse record of 1 and 3. In their first game since the Celtics lost in the championship, let’s see if Jenn and Yeff take out their NBA frustrations on our own basketball court(s)* 

*If they’re playing on the West Court, I guess they’re technically not playing on one of the basketball courts

by cristo_the_hawk

More #surprisecontent ahead of father’s day weekend. Thanks to everyone who participated (and those whose partners sent their photos in possibly against their will)! Answers are at the bottom.

1. Team: Riots

2. Team: LBS

3. Team: WTP

4. Team: WTP

5. Team: Sky Fighters

6. Team: Fresh Kills

7 & 8. Team(s): Vertz, Hookers

9. Team: Gremlins

10. Team: free agent, (hint: formerly WTP)

11. Team: Karma

ANSWERS: 1) Margot 2) Roberts 3) Emily 4) Henry 5) Carley

6) Gabe 7/8) Sarah & Cheeky 9) Walker 10) Annie 11) AK

Anklebiters v Lbs

Glnzr: Are the Lbs. even going to play?? Can you believe what THEY did?!?!?

Dingle: Good thing the Rangers play on Saturday this week*. The Rain Gods have been merciful so far, but canceling a game on a beautiful day like last Sunday all but guarantees future smiting. Anyway, this game is a great one to kick off the day. Should be a tight-checking affair with goals at a premium even with the firepower both teams pack. Prediction: 3-2, Lbs. with a late goal from Scotty (who was quite sad to not play on Sunday). 

*If necessary

Steven: I decided not to really write anything, just like Lbs decided not to play last week. I don’t have time for this, and I don’t have time for you.

Riots v Butchers

Cat: Butchers are overdue for a win but in fairness they’ve had a tough opening schedule. Well, tough-ish… the Bad Seeds knocked them down in a narrow 2-1 game, and so far the Riots and Bad Seeds have been neck-and-neck. I’m quickly becoming a Riots believer and I think this is going to be another close one with Riots eking out victory.

Hornswoggle: For me, this is one of the few games of the season where we potentially see a real kit clash: heathered maroon (Riots) vs. a lush crimson (Butchers). I’m sure Suz/Amy and Georgine will have a friendly fireside chat the night before to discuss color designations so their players will be well prepared. Anyway—the Butchers are still trying to find their mojo despite coming close last Sunday against the Bad Seeds, while the Riots bounce back to .500, just edging the Rainbows to get two points. Riots’ overall tenacity via high press/blitz may yield dividends, but we shouldn’t cancel out the Butchers’ aptitude to fill seams and maneuver around opponents. Despite what each team’s record is, I agree with Cat about this match being a close one, but I think the Butchers may find a breakthrough in the end, and through extra time.

Hookers v Filthier

Dingle: For all the Watchmen fans out there, I picture Rorschach saying something along the lines of, “In a sleepless city filled with vermin, the streets are lined with Hookers and Filth and evil must be punished.” Sorry for getting dark there—I’ll pass the hockey part of this preview to someone else.

Steven: Hookers came up huge with a big win against the Verts last week. Goalie Jacob kept his five hole covered earning the shutout. CK, Liz, Morgan and Sammi have been stellar, contributing to the team’s strong start. On the other hand, Filthier recently got shellacked by Instant Karma 5-1. Apparently Filthier blames the refs for throwing the game to Karma. However, the hockey analysts who watched the game have other theories on why the game ended in a Filthier embarrassment. Leading theory: Filthier didn’t play well. Hookers win 4-1. 

WTP v Fresh Kills

Steven: Last week, Zac was a brick wall in net and #69 Capalbo scored his first of the season to take down the division one Biters. Faced with another division one team this week, how will WTP fare? According to Zac, WTP needs a full team effort to keep their streak going. Fresh Kills has attendance issues but if George scores two goals again, they may just have a chance. WTP wins 3-2.

Jess: Steven, we all love an underdog story, but respectfully you’re wrong as hellll. When FK decides to show up in full force it’s an automatic win. WTP has better defense than offense and you can’t win games if you can’t score. No offense to the great crew on WTP but I think this will be a FK win 3-1.

Fuzz v Cobra Kai

Jess: Rich, please don’t cancel this game so I don’t have to see another 12am email complaining about Fuzz thx.

Glnzr: Please re-read the Lbs. preview. Did you see what THEY did?!?!?! (3-1 Fuzz no OT)

Steven: see note for Biters vs Lbs. Fuzz will lose because they don’t have Charlotte, who is low key coaching Team USA roller hockey in Argentina. No big deal…. Dojo 4 Fuzz 2.

Bad Seeds v Skyfighters

Hornswoggle: The Skyfighters (nahhh one word, I’m not changing this) are one of the four remaining undefeated squads in the league, next to Karma and the other two teams that decided to fuck off and watch the Rangers game together last Sunday. However, the side in blue will have to do some more convincing to become a real threat to the league, since they frustratingly conceded a point—the first ever!—to The Agents on their last go-round. Bad Seeds have stealthily navigated under the radar of serious media scrutiny thus far, but with a robust three wins. They’re doing something right. Though I absolutely do miss the drunk but amicable Ellery and straitlaced Peaches rallying the troops. Both teams will enjoy a good, clean battle, but the Seeds probably will sprout too late for a chance to come back.

Jess: Oh there’s plenty of media scrutiny for the Bad Seeds, just read the Not Stars from earlier this week! Their wins this season have been against the Rainbows, Butchers, and the Agents—not exactly a test. The Sky Fighters’ schedule has been more difficult facing off against The Demons and Filthier, I predict a Sky Fighter win, 4-2. 

Gremlins v Poutine

Jess: I feel bad the Gremlins have to play 2 chippy games back to back. That being said, they held their own against the Demons and almost surmounted a comeback. I’d describe their style of play as scrappy and they pass really well together. Both teams are still figuring out their chemistry with new players but I think Poutine will take this 2-1 thanks to their remaining veterans.

Glnzr: Can I pump up Poutine for a bit? I know I’ve always been a Poutine believer but when we played them only their newbies who didn’t know the high stick rules got penalties. Props to Mikey. 3-1 Poutine. 

Rainbows v Agents

CATT: I played against the ’bows and with the Agents as a sub in their respective games last Sunday. (Yes, the word “hero” has been tossed around). Here’s the outsider’s insider perspective:

The ’bows are no joke. Excellent goaltending from the Riots definitely contributed to the Riots win last Sunday. The Agents need to keep the pressure on these guys. Giving them time to set up would be a bad call.

That being said, if the Agents can figure out how many people belong on the court at one time, I think they have a shot…(However, thats is by no means guaranteed given the two too many men penalties they took last game). Also wouldn’t hurt if Greenwald has another huge game. And by “wouldn’t hurt” I mean “it’s absolutely crucial.”

Prediction: Agents learn the rules and take the win 3-2.

JW: The Agents have had a rough go thus far, but them fighting back last week and getting a point gives them some hope in this game. I haven’t played them yet, but I saw a little bit of their game last week and they have some standout players. They just need to move the puck a bit better and the rest will start to click.

I HAVE played the Rainbows and their defense was stifling (also why is Jessica playing D so much lately, and when did she get so good at it??), and their hustle and drive is beyond what I ever recall from previous Rainbows squads (though I have always recalled it from Wes, he still runs around like he is 23 years old). I also watched the ‘Bows last week and it was more of the same.

Prediction: Before last week I would have said Rainbows by a mile, now I will say Rainbows only 5-2 or 4-2. Let’s go with 4-2. 

Demons v Mega Touch

Hornswoggle: Surprised no one filled this article (it’s late Wednesday), really media people?

The way I witnessed last Sunday as a Poutiner, facing Mega wasn’t easy. My teammates and I felt we really grinded for the W amidst the abrasiveness in the last few minutes. They brought that “in your face” hockey the entire 50, and much of their play was efficient. Such is a warning sign for the Demons, just emerging from their first victory over a hapless Gremlins side. Mega has the right personnel to suffocate, pin teams in their defensive zone—the defense will willingly take chances to press forward, pepper shots despite congested shooting lanes, and hustle back if necessary. The Demons will have to exploit this through quick passing, movement off the ball, and manipulating Mega players by drawing them in (so that a Demons teammate is open); all hands on deck, Adam will require everyone’s undivided attention if they stand a chance to filch a point from Mega. Otherwise, it’s “lights out” and Mega tallies another two.

Did I forget to mention this is the 6pm game? Attendance (or lack thereof) can easily tip the scales in the opponent’s favor.

Jess: Having reffed the Demons last week they’ve got some stars on offense (Jeff, Amit, Neil) and bigger dudes to lock it down on defense. That being said, a lot of their goals felt like more of an individual effort while Mega is a team that plays well together and has equally strong offensive and defensive players; and my faves who are better than most of the dudes in the league, the trio of Shelly, Tash, and Courtney. I will give this one to Mega 2-0. 

Karma v Vertz

Glnzr: I’m starting to think the only reason Fuzz won the last two championships is me and not Cutler. If Austin plays 7-0 Karma. If he doesn’t 8-0. I read the Not Stars. Brianna with the second straight Golden Stick (even if she doesn’t show bc of her wedding). 

Jess: Young, dumb idiots (AK, Kev, Braun) vs Other young, dumb idiots (Jack, Russo, Otis). Skilled women (the Trembles, Brianna, Sarah) vs Other skilled women (Sarah, Cutler, Jaimie). This game will be a fun one to watch but I think Karma has the edge here with their team chemistry and multiple seasons together. The Vertz still need to figure out their lines and get some offensive chemistry going. Oh and also Annie is subbing for Karma so Jack better get ready for his ankles to get broken. Regulation Karma win 3-2.

Meatbox: I don’t usually do this but I’m guaranteeing a vertz win. ??

CATT: Ramy told me that they knew we were watching their last game so they “opted to hide their offensive firepower.” I wonder if that will be their strategy for the whole season or just the first four games….* ANYWHO: Good luck to our friends, the vertz! Prediction: We tie, opt to forgo OT and a shootout, and have a bunch of beers and laugh after the game!

*(No shade, it’s a bold strategy. I know better than to taunt the ‘box. Mostly because the last time I did, he got a breakaway goal and I pulled a hamstring.)

Glnzr: “We tie, opt to forgo OT and a shootout, and have a bunch of beers and laugh after the game!” Can we bring back the other Cat?

by cristo_the_hawk

Cat and Glnzr were both out this weekend so here’s my pitiful attempt to fill their shoes! 

Three Stars

Third Star: Liz Tremble for a ‘dirty dangle’ goal in Karma’s victory over Filthier

Second Star: Amit had 2 goals on the day to lead the Demons to victory but had an especially sick inbound goal from at least half court against Jamie, making it all that much more impressive. 

First Star: The Agents

In true Cat fashion (Rich is going to kill me for this) I’m giving the first star to The Agents. The media predicted a blow out from the Sky Fighters but The Agents fought back from a 2-goal deficit, tied it up, had solid goalkeeping, and sent it to OT even though they lost. Congrats on your first point of the season!

Honorable Mention(s):

Westley, Nestor, DGR, and Hopper for stepping up and reffing their first games/taking on bigger games to ref as well as Ellie and Kate from Filthier and Friedman from Karma for repping their team and stepping up to learn!

Whoever designed the new jerseys for Karma and Mega Touch – well done, much sparkle and shine. And none for Gretchen Weiners The Vertz

Cat Tremble for sticking around after the first game of the day and subbing in 2 extra games.

Wes, you get mentioned all the time so no, you are not even getting an HM for scoring the OT goal against The Agents

Three Not Stars

Apparently y’all don’t know how to act so the media needs to shame you into being responsible adults.

Third Star: AK

AK for crying like a little baby while getting treated for some cuts and bruises. When asked why he was crying he said “Sorry, I was just thinking about when they played Yellow at the Coldplay concert I was at last night.” A likely story.

Second Star – SHARED

Fuzz/Lbs for depriving us all of the Game of The Day. Oh so the Rangers are good in the postseason and suddenly everyone’s a fan? SEEMS AWFULLY CONVENIENT. We will get to the bottom of this.

Aaaaand the person on neither of the above teams who sent not one, but two reply-all emails at midnight to the ref email list by mistake complaining about the Fuzz/Lbs cancellation. Gentle, slightly existential reminder: this is a beer league, nothing matters, don’t be a dick.

First Star: Jake K

Jake K from Sky Fighters for not letting Scott(y) K sub for The Agents. What a jerk! Definitely not one of the nicest guys in the league. Boooooo Jake K. 

By Various Media Members

Here we go again! Another action-packed Sunday of hockey shenanigans. Will there be The Return of the Funnel? Will anybody propose? Will anyone come to the courts looking swole? Hell if we know. But we’ve got some fun matchup notes for ya…

Karma v Filthier

Jess: Hoo boy don’t we all love a grudge match and Karma has been waiting for this one ever since last year’s playoffs vs. Filthy when they were denied a female sub despite only having 1 female player. Luckily the rain had mercy on Karma and the following weekend’s rain make up game Karma had no mercy on Filthy. Now that your BTSH history lesson is over, this impartial writer is here to give the straight facts. Those being that Filthy is still to be reckoned with due to their off-season recruiting and without Derek as Karma’s offensive anchor (no offense, AK) Karma will have to fight hard. I think this goes to OT 2-2 but Filthier ultimately takes it.

Glnzr: Filthier had a great win last week. I’m more interested in Scotty training their refs at 2:15 p.m. I’m sure they’ll do great. As for the game, Filthier should have let Karma use some women last year. Karma will be motivated and win 4-1. 

Anklebiters v WTP

Hornswoggle: The red side of Manchester isn’t just rejoicing for their new Dutch manager, but also (unknowingly) rooting for Puck’s own captain to put the Orange Crush on its intra-divisional rivals. Don’t believe me? (Well, the original tweet was deleted but someone posted this on YouTube.)

Hogg probably won’t get 10 but he’ll help the Pucks get two points.

Dingle: ^ I understood the Manchester United part of Jerome’s bit but then I got lost.

Lil cat: My roommate* tells me confidently that WTP is going to win and alsoooo their new recruit (Adam) is the current leading scorer. If they can get the attendance, I would agree with this assessment. 

*editor’s note: if that’s what the kids are calling it these days 

Steven: I had a little league coach who said “the hardest part is showing up.” Which is kinda true. Attendance is a crazy concept in BTSH. I mean has anyone seen Probert in the last 2 years? However, this games doesn’t come down to Probert or who shows up on WTP, rather it all depends on whether Craig and SARAH MOORE* show up for Biters. If they are present, Biters win 4-2. 

*Viva SARAH MOORE

Vertz v Hookers

CATT:   I’m just going to brainstorm bowl names for this. The Lineup Bowl. The Perp Bowl. Misdemeanor Bowl. No matter what you call it, there will likely be a few assistant district attorneys in attendance. The real question is whether there will be enough Vertz in attendance. Outside of street hockey, one is more than enough (read: too many) for any occasion. However, to take down the Hookers this Sunday the Vertz will need to bring their moral turpitude in full force. Prediction: With anything less than ten true Vertz in attendance, the Hookers play the field and take their two points off the dresser: 4-2. Ten or more Vertz? The Hookers do not get paid.

Jess: Misdemeanor Bowl has a nice ring to it. I also agree that without certain players the Vertz are less of a threat. Still, I can’t believe the Hookers almost lost to the Riots and with Tim K being another top goalie in the league, regardless of lineup attendance I still see the Vertz taking this one 3-1. 

Stoop Dogg: This is more than just a battle of sexually charged names, it’s the battle between families. We have the Herr-Hicks’ on the Verts which is a French word meaning, “green, uncouth, and immature,” which feels on brand for the newly created team. Then we have just Herr on the Hookers which is just slang word for “prostitute,” which – well let’s dress Lee up in his tutu again and have him stand on a street corner and see what happens. Either way, these are both highly skilled teams that have—in the Verts case— just been made, or for the Hookers—have taken on a number of new players and are still trying to get in their groove. This sibling match-up will prove interesting to watch, assuming both teams can actually field their teams, – I say Hookers 2-1 in OT. 

Russo: As someone playing in this game, if Lee wears a tutu, it will definitely be a distractor. Early entry for the “Hot Legs” competition. 

Mega Touch v Poutine

Glnzr: There are a couple of “See where you’re at” games this week and this is one of them. Mega is clearly on the rise while Poutine lost a lot of their best players. It will be interesting to see if Mega has jumped Poutine, and if Poutine is still a threat. I think Poutine has the talent to still beat some pretty good teams but Mega prevails here, 4-2. 

Stoop Dogg: Mega Touch should not be underestimated, they are a solid team who have some sneaky young and very skilled players. Poutine has also lost a number of great players including Russolini the Atomic Tortellini and “Tadpole” Jack. I think if Mega brings it early, they will take home the win 3-1. 

Dingle: I’m pretty sure the score of this matchup last year was 3-1 (with an empty netter) for Mega. Don’t sleep on the new Pou Crew. Still a lot of firepower up front and Jeff Verde (that’s his Portuguese alias) in net. In all seriousness, the fact that Jeff hasn’t had a Vice show made about his pandemic activities is wild. 

Sky Fighters v Agents

Jess: I’ll say what everyone is thinking but in meme format because I’m bad at expressing my emotions*

*according to my therapist

In all seriousness we want The Agents to succeed! It’s shit luck that the Sky Fighters are in the 4th division this year. They just need a lucky break in their schedule. I am confident no team will ever repeat the Rainbow’s 1 year+ loss streak back in 2018. However, this one goes to the Sky____Fighters 5-0. 

Lil cat: Hopefully Emily shows some mercy.

Glnzr: In 2008 and 2015 the Elves went through some really horrible stretches. In 2010 we won the championship, so there’s hope! But after 2015 we disbanded so there’s also no hope. 

Dingle: @Glnzr, that literally translated to “sometimes teams are good and sometimes teams are bad.” Very insightful.

Steven: Agents shouldn’t be discouraged by what happens this week. Sky Fighters are an unstoppable force. They are playing so well that Jake was even able to get a girlfriend. Emily continues on path to glory with 8-0 win.

Fuzz v Lbs

JW: Is Amanda the nicest person on Fuzz? Well, it’s either her or Ryann. Or both.  In any case, these two teams have a long history. Well, not long to the veterans among us, but they have some history. Lbs. have been eager to foil Fuzz ever since Fuzz won their *1.5th championship against them in a shootout. In the dark. Nonetheless, a lot of questions remain: How many semi-pro hockey players will Alex recruit for this game? Will Walsh be back from France in time for this game? Who is Fuzz’ goalie this year? Will Boylan full on tackle Glanzer during gameplay?

Prediction: Alex will recruit 2 semi-pro hockey players for this game.

Glnzr: Clearly Walker isn’t up to date on Ryann and D5. Also Ryan Hughes is by far nicer than everyone that ever played in this league with the obvious exception of Corey Winters. 3-2 Fuzz. 

Jess: This will be the first real test the Lbs will face all season and quite possibly the only team to have an emotional strong hold over them (re: playoffs losses). Fuzz has the same full-team passing chemistry as Avery-Sam or Alex-Kelsey. I foresee another OT heartbreaker but will neglect to say for which team.

Dingle: Walker doesn’t want people to know it’s his birthday on Sunday. 

Demons v Gremlins

Lil cat: Two teams very hungry for their first win, also while we’re still making up bowl names, what about the Monster Bowl? Am I reaching? Is this not as fun because it’s not as sexual as Hookers and Vertz? Who’s to say.

Glnzr: You kids don’t know what the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup was. BTSH is really lacking some new history. Maybe these new bowls that Cat is creating will be just what this league needs. But Monster Bowl (overused phrase warning) isn’t it. 3-2 Gremmies. 

Dingle: We’ve come a long way from “Which Mythological Creature is Your Team?” But if we’re on the topic, I think Demons would be Cerberus and the Gremlins would be Gizmo*

*Just found out Gizmo in Gremlins was “voiced” by Howie Mandel. The more you know.

Bad Seeds v Butchers

Glnzr: I’d rather see Chadwick’s and Rachel’s kid race from goal to goal than watch this game. But that’s not an insult. I’d rather see them do that than watch any game! BTSH, Mets Rangers etc. THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!

23andMia: Rich, your grammar makes it look like Chadwick and Rachel share a child. This is how rumors start! The team who spawned the most in 2021-2022 is sick of all the shit and eeks it out: Butchers for the win.

Glnzr: Hey…Ben can and has done a lot worse than Rachel Greene! Rachel though…has not. 

Steven: Bad Seeds are underrated and will surprise a few teams this year. However Brady inspires his teammates with beautiful hair and a fine mustache to their first win of the season. 

Rainbows v Riots

Jess: We’ve told our goalie the last 2 games ‘yeah so we’re playing against a team with one of the best goalies in the league’ (Tim K for Vertz, Jamie for Gremlins) and now we’re gonna have to tell him that again with Ramirez in net.

Glnzr: Bold move giving your goalie an inferiority complex. I wish you luck. Riots 3-1. 

JW: Having played the Rainbows last and having lost to them, I can say that these are not the ‘Bows of yore. They hustle, move the puck well, and were fairly stifling on D. I have not seen the Riots play this year, but having Ramirez in net will definitely give them a shot.  Nonetheless, Rainbows 2-1. 

Steven: Two teams on the upward trajectory, how exciting! I think the Riot’s kitten mascot motivates a team who is seeking to break. Amy Jones feels inspired and scores one and assists another. However, the Cat and Jess dynamic duo is a significant reason to believe in Rainbows. As the great Lee Corso says, this game will be closeeeeee, but Riots win 4-3.

Cobra Kai v Fresh Kills

Hornswoggle: Both clubs are fighting for the bottom spot in their division. Russ has been busy attempting to swell and Meg has likely packed her goalie pads in her U-Haul. Considering it’s the 6pm game, I think there will be limited personnel, which could mean that Fresh Kills will be muttering Quebecois bad words as the Dojo lights them up.

Stoop Dogg: I must admit, I have a big soft spot in my heart for the perpetually short benched Fresh Kills. It seems they can never field a team of more than 8 people; despite the lack of subs, they always give their opponents a good game. Cobra Kai on the other hand, seems to always have a plethora of bodies on the sideline. It’s like 27 dresses but instead, 27 subs. If Fresh Kills can have more than 6 people show up for the game, with their ability to pick corners, their strong Colby Hockey Contingent, silky mitts, and George’s even silkier beard (I am guessing, I have never touched his beard!) they could shut down Cobra Kai and take home the W. But, I doubt this will happen, so I am going to say Cobra Kai 5-2.