Week 2 Previews Part 1
April 6th, 2016We’ve had our first hat trick, shut out, huge upset and stick throw. We also had our first missed call. But this picture of Sam isn’t it. This was from 2014. Still, I feel the Hookers should be forced to forfeit last week for this two-year-old high stick and whatever team they played should get the W.
The waist Sam, the waist! This is up to your belly button. DC Committee?
Opening Day Three Stars
April 5th, 2016
What an opening day, BTSH! There were so many notable performances on the courts that we couldn’t decide on only three. So here’s to week 1, Three Stars 2.
Double your pleasure, double your fun.
THIRD STARS
Bill L. of Dark Rainbows
The pink homie was all over the east court and Gut Rot (easy with the aggression Billy boy, this isn’t Moffo) on Sunday after taking an 8 ball of candy corn straight to the head. Taking advantage of a rookie free agent goalie, he temporarily forgot how to pass and just fired everything on net. And four of them found their way in (that’s twice as much as, uh, some people scored all last season).
Amy J. of Tompkins Square Riots 
Braving the brutal chill and fierce winds on Sunday, Jonesy slipped on a pair gloves, tightened her hoodie and graciously took Opening Day pictures. No one asked her to freeze her keister off for the sake of memorializing our imprudent keisters. She did it because she cares about the league. For those of us that have only been in the league for about five minutes, Amy has been here since its inception, and is well deserving of the three stars.
SECOND STARS
Brian S. of Poutine Machine
Within the first 10 minutes of the game Brian went down in a heap near mid-court and was rolling around in agony. Cursing the TSP Gods as he grasped his right ankle it appeared that all hope was lost. After hobbling over to the sidelines with the aid of teammates he was able to mend his boo-boo by applying an ice pack (thanks Commish!) and rubbing some ‘tussin on it. Upon making a heroic (and foolish) return to the game, he scored a hard-earned goal to tie it up and inspired the Machine. Except it wasn’t a rolled ankle but a broken foot. That’s right y’all, he rubbed some dirt on a broken bone and kept playing. That’s true Brooklyn grit.
John Skywalker of Gremlins 
Lookout, BTSH, there’s a new offensively minded defenseman in the league and he did work from everywhere. Aside from Walkie-talkie putting two past the Machine’s goalie (who had an outstanding performance btw – nice job, AJ), he posted a +3 rating by shutting down the offensively only minded Hornswoggle and getting the ball to his open forwards. This smart career change is off to a veggie burger worthy start.
FIRST STARS
Mike M. of Instant Karma 
After filling in net for the Sky Fighters and allowing only a single goal in a shootout victory, Mike belched off a hangover and posted a shutout against a divisional opponent. (For those of you counting at home that’s one goal in four halves of hockey.) The Pucks somehow found a hole in the great Karma defense and sent a barrage of balls on net. Mike didn’t panic, complain, or falter. He simply laughed, ‘ha! Is that the best you can do?’ And yes, apparently it was the best they could do.
Peter D. of Butchers
Aka Rocker Pete. Aka Pete Wentz.
Pete rolled up on the west court on Sunday and he got biz-zay! Linking up with his new line mate, super-fast Dave, he was able to put four balls past the evil dojo’s net-minder. Stunned by his performance, Rachel & Co. didn’t know how to celebrate, so Sam (who was reffing) acknowledged his accomplishment by losing his $#!t and throwing a hat mid-court. How did Pete celebrate? By leaving his lucky stick at Hi-Fi. Side note: so anyone that had a black Reebok stick with a replacement Sherwood blade, um….Pete has your stick.
Opening Day Box Scores
April 4th, 2016
Your ref sheets shouldn’t be harder to crack than Enigma.
Sky Fighters 2, LBS Inc. 1 (OT-SO)
Sky Fighters: Mike T. (1)
LBS, Inc.: Nick (1)
Goalie Win: Mike M. (via Instant Karma)
Shootout: Winner by Roman T.
Denim Demons 2, Fresh Kills 1
Fresh Kills: Andrew?(1)
Denim Demons: Jake (1), Brad?(1)
Goalie Win: Ari (1)
Rehabs 3, Filthier 2 (OT-SO)
Filthier: James (1), Unknown (1)
Rehabs: Rob (1), Ramey O. (1)
Goalie Win: Eric R. (1)
Shootout: Winner by Bradley
Gouging Anklebiters 5, Mathematics 2
Mathematics: Eli K. (1), Cherie S. (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Ben P. (1), Matt W. (1), Sarah (1), Alex D. 2 (2)
Goalie Win: Craig (1)
Instant Karma 1, What The Puck 0
Instant Karma: Pete W. (1)
Goalie Win: Mike M. (1)
Corlears Hookers 4, Fuzz 1
Fuzz: Miles (1)
Corlears Hookers: Brian 2 (2), Kevin 2 (2)
Goalie Win: Amriel (1)
Tompkins Square Riots 2, Mega Touch 1
Tompkins Square Riots: Ben (1), Joe (1)
Mega Touch: Adriano (1)
Goalie Win: Dave (1)
Gremlins 3, Poutine Machine 1
Gremlins: John W. 2 (2), Cody (1)
Poutine Machine: Brian S. (1)
Goalie Win: Jamie B. (1)
Dark Rainbows 5, Gut Rot 1
Gut Rot: Scott (1)
Dark Rainbows: Bill L. 4 (4), Rem (1)
Goalie Win: Kevin L. (1)
Butchers 5, Cobra Kai 3
Cobra Kai: Rachel (1), Max (1), Mike (1)
Butchers: Pete D. 4 (4), John (1)
Goalie Win: Tim B. (1)
Please submit any corrections to Derek@btsh.org.
Opening Day Preview!
April 1st, 2016
Fresh Kills at Denim Demons
New look Demons will be tested early against a merciless division rival, FK. Least Improved Male of 2015 is back with more shoulder-shrugging scoring, but that is about all the Kills will be able to muster. Pride is on the line here for the wounded Demons and that is exactly when an animal is most dangerous.
Prediction: Jeff and Josh do work and the Demons pull off an upset 4-3.
Sky Fighters at LBS, Inc.
The hostile takeover of LBS, Inc. by the Sky Fighters continues in this latest chapter of clashing league titans. Lead strategist for SF has moved on and we can expect the LBS brass to test their change in leadership. As logical as this approach is, I expect the new captains to be deserving of the C on their sweaters and inspire their troops to replicate their 2015 playoff heroics in this quarterfinals rematch.
Prediction: Sky Fighters make a statement 3-1.
Rain fears? Snow Fears? What a day, what a lovely day to get this season started!
Filthier at Rehabs
Pacified by finally having their names engraved on the PBR Cup, the Filth no longer views it with the same respect as a Holy Grail. And rumors are swirling that they are secretly planning on going 0-18 in order to manufacture a tough re-peat championship run. That being said, the gossip-mongers will have quieted as the Rehabs first half success quickly erodes in the second as Filthy shakes off the hangover and regains their swagger.
Prediction: Rehabs will be holding additional tryouts after a Filthy spanking at the rhythm of 7-2.
Mathematics at Gouging Anklebiters
Neither of these teams made a lot of noise in the off-season with splashy acquisitions. Content with the squads they rolled with last season, confidence is high that success will continue into this one. So, alright, to determine how this one might go, let’s analyze the differences between the two. Fun Teams – check, Skillz – check, Scoring Threats – check, Drinking Buddies – check, Reliable Goalies – check, Dicks – nope, Uniforms – ah ha! Eureka, we found one! Blue and yellow is much more appealing than the lowly color of cemented slush. And what is cement good for? Walking all over it…
Prediction: Probert and the Biter’s stroll to the pace of 4-2.
‘Welcome to the f—‘n $h0w.’
What The Puck at Instant Karma
Welcoming Karma to the $h0wT!m3 division are the Pucks. WTP is still sore from last year’s shocking playoff upset and are out to prove it was only a fluke. Karma on the other hand experienced a bumpy inaugural season and will be unveiling some new talent. The fate of this one will be settled by the undeniable formula of: Chemistry Rules Everything Around Match-ups (CREAM).
Prediction: Nope. Not even going to go there. (But if I did, I’d go with the team that plays the better game.)
Fuzz at Corlears Hookers
The Elves were slaughtered last year by Karma, buried during the winter by Richiepoo, and have resurrected this season as the Fuzz. The Hookers meanwhile find themselves as strangers in a strange land after being raised in the Brown division. And who better for them to make their first Newman division encounter with than the Fuzz. This one has all the makings of a Game of the Week and is sure to be an entertaining power struggle throughout the match. Just a hunch, but I’m forecasting that one of them commits a heinous act in the second that they’ll regret later in the season.
Prediction: A hard fought battle that goes to overtime with the Fuzz prevailing 4-3.
We’ll see how their new digs work out.
Gremlins at Poutine Machine
These two teams had opposite season’s last year. The Gremlins’ steamrolled the Greene division and are back in their rightful place, while the Machine is still picking up the pieces from a disastrous showing. Past being put aside, this game features an outstanding battle of top Centers in the league. Sullivan of PM is one of best two-way Forwards and will be put to the test against offensively gifted Graham of G who thrives on a style of push-push-push.
Prediction: Gremlins narrowly escape with late a goal by Cho 3-2.
Can’t find anything to watch? Then tune in to this…
Tompkins Square Riots at Mega Touch
The Basement Bowl Series of 2016 kicks off with the first installment: Team Jones vs Team Katz. If you are on the sidelines when this show begins then I implore you to grab some refreshments, throw on something warm, and cheer these two on championship game style! Which side will you be on? I know which one I’ll be and it’s not either of these two. Smooches, ladies. Love ya both!
Prediction: Mega Fun Bunch earns their Mega Only Win! 2-0!
Gut Rot at Dark Rainbows
This match-up is being played waaaaaaay too early in the season as both teams are predicted to slug it out for tops in the Greene division. Captain Abby is super peeved about some DRs not receiving name recognition in the previews and may ask them to announce themselves. However, if Captain Tommy and the rest of Rot can pick up where they left off last year, then 2015’s Second Star is in for a long day.
Prediction: Scott solves Longwell and Gut Rot takes opening day pole position 2-1.
Well, do ya!?!
Cobra Kai at Butchers
These two teams are polar opposites of each other. The Butchers play a stay at home, slow it down game that forces opponents into making mistakes. And the clan from the evil dojo likes to turn up the tempo and push the ball into their offensive zone. Unfortunately for CK, their overzealous effort will play right into the Butchers’ hands and cost them an opening day W.
Prediction: Patience rewards the Butchers 5-2.
A Fan’s Guide to the Newman Division
March 31st, 2016
Not this Newman, but close.
