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What an opening round: 3 out of 4 upsets this week, and all 3 of them were shutouts. Amazing. A big part of me wanted to give all 3 stars to the 3 goaltenders who had shutouts, but I decided that might be a little too obvious a route.
It wasn’t easy this week, but here we go…..

3rd star: Peter Wilson – Instant Karma

A longtime skilled player in the league, Pete scored 2 out of his team’s 3 goals in their first ever playoff game Sunday, including the game winner. This was a game everyone expected the Elves to win. (Karma were at such a loss for strategy going into the game that they were toying with the idea of using a Flying V formation. Or kidnapping Gil.)  They did not end up having to do either of those things to get the win. Staunch defense, great goaltending and a stellar offensive game from Pete did the trick. Side note: I won’t mention Captain Chadwick missing the gimme empty net goal here…it’s already been talked about it enough. 

2nd star: Bill Lin – Dark Rainbows

I don’t know this kid, but I’ve seen him play.  His play is even more intense than the hemmorhoids Derek was telling me he had last week. (sorry, bro, was I not supposed to mention that to anybody?) The first time I was watching the Rainbows and saw Bill play I was like “who is that super intense kid???”. He plays every game like it’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup. This kid does it all – he runs like a bat out of hell, he yells (mostly for the puck), he drops down to block shots (with zero gear).  He makes his presence known.  Love or hate Bill’s intense style of play – he gets the job done.  A very skilled new addition to the Rainbows this year, Bill scored the lone goal in his team’s upset of Poutine Machine on Sunday, earning him this week’s 2nd star.  After seeing his intensity in the opening round I don’t even know what to expect in the Round of 16.  Fresh Kills may be in for a bit of a shock to the system…

1st star of the week: Dave Gil de Rubio – Tompkins Square Riots

Dave had a rough week leading up to this game – he and the Riots lost their last game 11-1, his father passed away and he just found out that his favorite show Beverly Hills 90210 was cancelled (Dave is a little behind on reading the news, apparently. Spoiler alert, Dave: Donna Martin DID, in fact, graduate). Despite all this adversity Dave was able to do his best Taylor Swift, and shake it off. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

Remaining focused and determined Dave turned away EVERY shot from a potent WTP offense, logging the shutout and advancing his team to the Round of 16. While the Riots were an underdog in this matchup, you wouldn’t have known it by the way Dave and the rest of the squad played. I would have interviewed Dave about his impressive shutout, but I was too busy scrimmaging for 4 hours.  Oops.
I imagine he would have said something humble and graceful, as always, though.  
Perhaps something like this?

  
Congrats to one of the hardest working goalies in show business on an extremely well-deserved 1st star.  It couldn’t have gone to a better guy.

With the Elves and Rainbows tied in points and apparently every other tiebreak category these teams’ seeding had to come down to a coin toss (which Rich rigged with Luisa). The Elves won the coin toss, causing Chadwick to have to play his old team and making this the Game Of The Week.

Personally, I am more excited about the Gremlins/LBS. exhibition game.

Happy Little Elves at Instant Karma
(Written by Dr. Byron Clavicle)

Keys to the game for the Happy Little Elves:

One thing is for certain: a team founded by Ben Chadwick will win the game (or win the rigged coin toss when this one goes into super-bazillion-tuple overtime).

Rich’s pick: This is the shortest thing Clavicle’s ever written! Huzzaaahh!!! It’s a good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts. Elves 4-2. Clavicle and Danielle score for them. Gil, Miles with 2 each. I don’t score. But if I do I’m Jeroming my celebration.
Sam’s pick: Rich scores the game winning goal, but gets called for a high stick (but for the next year, he will say he scored in the playoffs).  It goes into overtime, but I am delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “‘delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “”‘delaying the inevitable truth'””.
Damnit!  I only thought to stack three cliches here and really needed to make it unlimited so that I don’t  come to the inevitable truth that no one wants to admit… sometimes evil triumphs in the first round of the playoffs.  Elves 4  Karma 3
J Dubs’ pick:  Elves 4, Karma 2. Chadwick gets 1 to continue the streak, but it’s not enough to continue his team’s season.

Dark Rainbows at Poutine Machine

Both of these teams have a lot of talent, yet both teams under-performed in the regular season. There is particularly a lot of rookie talent on both teams, and this game is going to come down to them.

Keys to the game for the Rainbows:

• Make sure Sean and Bill show up. I don’t really know those guys, but they’re good. You’re going to need them.
• Give Tia a kazoo. She’ll use it to distract the other team at opportune times. I see nothing in the rules that makes this illegal.
• Your all-star rookie goaltender has got to have a great game.  Play well defensively for him and this game is yours.
• Convince Poutine that you wear pink for breast cancer awareness.  They may be so touched by this that they forfeit the game out of respect for you and your cause.
• Start Josh Wilson.  Always start Josh Wilson.

Keys to the game for Poutine:

• DON’T eat poutine before the game.
• Jerome had a career-high 12 goals this season, get that guy the puck and make him shoot it.
• Get Jo Jo amped up enough that she is swearing in French.  She plays better that way.
• Make sure Brian shows up. And that he is relatively sober.
• Try to block out Tia’s kazoo playing.  It isn’t going to be easy.

Rich’s pick: Prettttty sure Poutine would try to win in a game of tic-tac-toe vs. a 98-year-old woman who has dementia. And when that women invariably beats them they would tell her that she lost during the time she was coherent. A team after my own cold-black heart. Though I would also beat the 98-year-old woman in arm wrestling. Poutine 2-1.
Sam’s pick: Damn, pretty solid game this week.  If Kevin “His Name” Longwell has a great game in net for the Rainbows, Poutine is going to have trouble.  But, if Jerome, Jo Jo, and Jacob crash the net, this one is going into overtime–and a loose ball will settle it!!!
J Dubs’ pick: Rainbows 3, Poutine 2.  The ‘Bows all-star rookie goaltender has a great game.

Mega Touch vs. Hookers

This moment could not be more intense—could it be underdog team, Mega Touch, advancing into the second round of playoffs?!

Alex Vegan Socks dances behind the net, Hookers D converge, but it’s all too late—Vegan Socks bounces it off the back of the Hookers’ goalie, hitting the top netting, then the back, and slowly, for about 5 seconds, trickling clearly out of the goal. The ball paid a half-month’s rent while there.

The crowd of 50 go wild, the Hookers immediately march over to the ref, circle like sharks, and give 5 conflicting accounts of how the ball: 1) went in, but only because there was a hole in the net; 2) absolutely didn’t go in at all, and the Hookers actually scored; 3) went in, only after burrowing its way through the asphalt and popping up in the net; 4) it was a loose ball from the other court that actually went in, and if you give the goalie a minute, he’ll show you the real one in his glove; and, 5) that’s not the street hockey ball, it’s a falafel—look who shot it!

They were all lies, every one of them. But the ref took the bait, reversed the call, and enjoyed the falafel.

Could Mega still pull off the win with 45 minutes remaining?

Hookers 5  Mega 0

Rich: I see a late goal scored by Julie…yes Julie to spark a wild celebration by Mega. These things tend to happen in the playoffs. 8-1 Hookers. Congrats on the goal though, Jules!

Riots/WTP

How did WTP do so well this year, and still end up in the bottom 8?  I just caught up with Math analyst, Zach Norris, who explained the leading theory of how this came to be:

“The leading theory, Hseih, is that WTP carried a roster of 60. I walked by their bench last week, and everyone was still addressing each other as Sir, Ma’am, and Hey You, so team chemistry may be an issue. Hell, even one person once addressed Mike Dudolevitch as Hey Dude, but honestly, I think he just got lucky.”

Meanwhile, the Riots upset the Elves this year. Will they be able to do it again, and move the ball in breakouts like they have been the last few weeks? Will Sharif “The Big Cheese” work in tandem with Suz and the Gang to notch a few early goals?  I have no fucking idea, but Dave “The Other Gil” de Rubio will need to block all primary shots and have his D clear that shit as soon as it’s blocked.

Either way, both teams enjoy the company of the courts with celebratory drinks after the game, despite who wins or loses.

Rich: I don’t know who wrote this but we give predictions including playoffs. So whoever it wrestling is you’re fired. And WTP will win 5-1. Can’t wait for Dave’s Facebook post Monday!

Rich wrote one of the stars this week, see if you can guess which one…..

3rd star: Mike Teytelbaum – Sky Fighters

Not to be outdone by James P.’s amazing double header performance the week before, Mike took it upon himself to score SEVEN GOALS in his double header on Sunday. Notching the double hat trick and adding 1 for good measure, this kid tore it up on Sunday. Known colloquially as “Roman’s brother”, Mike has flown under the radar a bit this year.  On Sunday, however, he exploded to double the amount of goals he had on the season, and help his team jump up to the 5th seed.  I am trying to think of something funny for this one, but nothing is coming to me.  There is nothing funny about scoring 7 goals in one day. 

2nd star: Gil Valdes – Happy Little Elves

Gil scored all 4 goals in the Elves’ 4-2 victory over Poutine on Sunday, which was the exact amount of goals he needed to jump Gabe by 1 and cement his scoring title victory. Rumor has it that Gabe didn’t show up Sunday because he was afraid of losing to Gil. Who could blame him – this guy is always dangerous, he is consistently the scoring leader for his team and always a contender for top of the league, and this year he did it. Also, I have been told that Gil did all this even though is over 50. Funny, he doesn’t look a day over 49 to me. 

1st star of the week:  Eric Ramirez – Gut Rot

When Walker agreed to do the three stars, one of the requirements was not to give a star to a player who played in multiple games and did something great for a team he isn’t on. My reasoning is we should be using the free agent list more than we do. But I’m making an exception for Eric Ramirez. And I’m not making it because of how he played.
Gut Rot needed to wrestling win to get out of the play-in game for their first time in their history. But if things broke wrong, they could still win and finish in 13th. One way to ensure that wouldn’t happen, was if the Hookers lost both their games. So when Eric heard the Demons needed a goalie against the Hookers, he agreed to play net. But the best part was Fresh Kills needed an emergency goalie…also against the Hookers. So Eric agreed to play in that game as well. Eric ended up shutting the Hookers out and leading FK to a 1-0 victory. Then Eric reffed a game, and suited up against the Hookers for the Demons. He ended up winning that game too, 5-1. All that was left was beating Mega. But Guttie couldn’t score. So Eric decided to shut out Mega. Through regulation. And overtime. And 8…EIGHT!!!! shootout players.
So Eric, you don’t get a star for giving up 1 goal in six periods, an overtime and 8 shootout attempts. You get a star for being a total heel and ensuring you don’t play in the play-in game for the first time, and the Hookers do.

Honorable mention:  Larry Gilligan – Gut Rot

Larry scored the only shootout goal in NINE rounds (i heard it was 9, though Rich says 8) to both: 1) give his team their first winning season in team history (!!!), and 2) cause his team to not have to play in the play-in game, for the first time in team history.   Big ups, Larry.  Nuff said.