btsh.org

by Glnzr

I like to do themes in my 3 Stars. Cats themes are the first 3 people to email her get 3rd, 2nd and 1st Star. Makes you wonder about her relationship with that train conductor, but I digress.

Today’s theme is perfection. As Rob Walsh and the rest of you surely know, the 1972 Dolphins are the only team to win the Super Bowl and go undefeated. Other teams have entered the discussion, but running back Mercury Morris doesn’t want to hear it. 

“Like I said, don’t call me when you’re in my town; call me when you’re on my block and I see you next door moving your furniture in. And trust me, Poutine and Cobra Kai aint moving in no furniture.”

So if Head Coach Don Shula will allow it, here are this week’s 3 Stars!

Third Star: Don Shula/Karma/Filthier

Poutine and Cobra Kai were perfect going into this week. Both teams started feeling their oats as Russ gave himself all the stars last week, which led to Hicks making the same joke a world record 23 times. Meanwhile, a Poutine Superstar and Matt Russo flipped the bird to a bar named Karma. So it was going to be a big week as Poutine played Karma, and Cobra Kai played Filthier. 
Much like every other NFL team, no one could compare to the 72 Dolphins, as Tim K. shut out Cobra Kai, and Karma shut up Poutine as they hung on to defeat them 2-1. Somewhere down in the depths of hell, Don Shula and Satan are drinking momessos as they laugh watching Sig, LJ, Campbell, Russ, Sully, Jack, and Russo cry…over what could have been. 

Second Star: Cam the Free Agent Goalie 

Fuzz believes in only playing HOF goalies, as Tim Brown and Coach are rostered, and Dave gil de Rubio is their 3rd string. But they must have been out to Cooperstown, celebrating Willie Stargell and the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates (Coach and Tim are Pirate fans). So Fuzz had to call in Cam. Mistake after mistake by one particular defense, was met with no harm, as Cam stopped several point blank shots. 
And to the four other BTSH goalies who had shutouts, your captains are terrible. They didn’t email us to tell us about you. Fuzz captain did. Hero

(I couldn’t find a picture of Cam but also didn’t try. This is better anyways) 
First Star: Hicks

While Poutine and Cobra Kai failed us all, Brian Hicks hasn’t. Hicks took over for Super Spreader Sena as the Rehabs captain, and much like those pesky 72 Dolphins, Hicks beat the Gremlins 5-2 and is now perfect as a BTSH captain. Trivia Question. Who is the only other BTSH player (that I know of) to have a perfect record as BTSH Captain? Scroll to the next line for the answer!Answer: Our very own BTSH HOFer Elly! He captained the Happy Little Elves to a victory over the Dark Rainbows, ensuring the Elves held on to the Prestigious, yet Imaginary Fairy Tale Cup. 

Participation Trophies: None. Danillo allegedly scored a beautiful shootout goal but I haven’t seen the video. But check out the scores. This may have been one of the lowest scoring weeks in league history, as 13 of the 18 teams scored 2 goals or less, and 5 were shutout. 

by christo_the_hawk

Mega edged the Butchers 2-0. Courtney probably had at least an assist.

Filthier beat Cobra Kai despite the dojo outshooting filthy. “I had a breakaway and couldn’t score”- Campbell. Also, no hat trick for Liam.

WTP won “a lot to zero” – referee Jack. Officially 7-0 vs Rotten Math.

After an early Gremlins goal the Rehabs fought back and walked away victorious, 5-1.

A tense and intense game between the Hooker and the Biters went to shootouts, Hookers won.

Fuzz swept the Demons 4-0. I was subbing at this time so….Hero is cute.

A depleted Sky Fighters team only beat the Riots 2-0 this time.

Karma edged Poutine 2-1 despite members from each team looking rough as sh*t from doing god knows what the night before.

In a surprisingly high scoring game, FK beat the Rainbows 8-4. ON MY BIRTHDAY ITS FINE, GUYS.

See you all next week!

By Stoop Dogg

This map is going to be your guide to BTSH. Now where you sit on the court is crucial because you got everybody there, you got your Freshmen, ROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Nerds, Cool Kids, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Hotties, The Team Who Drinks Everything, The Team Who Doesn’t Drink Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Audi/Visual Geeks, Artistic Nerds, Coffee Kids, Student Government, Basic Beautiful People, Cowboys, Anarchists, and Sexually Active Band Geeks. Some of these people will be the greatest people you will ever meet and the worst – beware of the people in the public bathrooms.

Predictions:

Butchers vs. Mega Touch: 3 – 1, Butchers // Can’t beat their meat

Filthier vs. Cobra Kai: 5 – 2, Cobra Kai // Bringing the pain

Rotten Math vs. What the Puck: 4 – 3, What the Puck // Go get me a beer

Gouging Anklebiters vs. Corlears Hookers: 6 – 3, Gouging Anklebiters // Wear high socks

Gremlins vs. Rehabs: 5 – 1, Rehabs // (P.S. It’s Brian Hicks’ debut as El Capitan, so let’s scrutinize)

Skyfighters vs. Riots: 2 – 0, Skyfighters // Go for Gold Leader

Fuzz vs. Denim Demons: 6 – 4, Fuzzy Wuzzy the Bear

Instant Karma vs. Poutine Machine: 4 – 1, Poutine Machine // Extra gravy plz

Dark Rainbows vs. Fresh Kills: 6 – 3, Fresh Killer Kweens

By The BTSH Committee on Fact-Finding

Third Star: Russell Hamilton for sitting front row during the Rotten Math v. Meg Touch shootout.

Word is that when the Commissioner S. Hicks looked over and saw Russell sitting there before her attempt she said “Fucking idiot, let me show him how hockey is really done.” Then she put on an amazing fake and burned the Keeper. Then it was Eli’s turn and Eli knew Russell was booing and booing hard—which is why he put together his best move, ended the game, brought his finger to his mouth, and silenced the Russ. Unfortunately for both of them this was exactly the outcome Russell was going for—and like any good double secret agent—he manipulated them into thinking he didn’t want them to do this so that they would do it. Pure genius by Russ.

Second Star: Russell Hamilton (and honorable mention to Yetter) who managed to call the game of the season without wasting anyone’s time with ANY high-ball whistles.

Wow, did both teams play a great game thanks to the refs. Glnzr, who is a confirmed hockey genius, told Mike T, Scott, Jeff, and Gil exactly how they could score to win the game. Glnzr credited Russ as the key to success, because even ball hockey’s Bill Belichick knows his team’s effort and success should be credited to the refs of that game. Even in defeat someone overheard Gabe who was overcoming a back injury (and still managed to play an awesome game) say “Wow. We were good. Marco had two goals, Ryan K, and Braun each scored but full credit has to go to the Refs for being perfect out there.”

P.S. good luck to Gabe with the birth of his new baby girl coming out anytime now (as always full credit to Russ for inspiring him to have sex)!

First Star: Russell Hamilton!

He was on the same team as JJ, Will G., and Tom L., who all managed to put up two goals in one game. He also showed support and tapped the pads of Casca who put up the best shutout of the season for any goalie ever (thanks to support from Russ). We should mention Russell did manage to have one assist in the game. Lots of people were saying it was the most important assist.

Honorable mentions:

Scotty K – For being the man and leading the Lbs to a win. This guy rocks! Love seeing Scott be successful (mostly). Full Credit to Russ for telling Scott about Blink-182.

Tadpole – For providing the provider with the gift that keeps on giving….the Chop Cheese! The ultimate New York Bodega sandwich. Full Credit to Russ for asking Jack what a Chop Cheese is.

Olivier & Julie – For working as a team and managing to both play their hockey games this Sunday despite parenting duties. Full Credit to Russ for bulling them into playing.

Goalie Becca – For the goal of the day with a turnaround snipe top corner from around half court. Full credit to Russ for heckling her into shooting the puck.

Dan H – For putting on a clinic of a game, contributing to all three of Skyfighter’s regulation goals and scoring in the (lol) shootout as well. Full Credit to Russ for having hockey tape in his bag in case Dan needed some.

AliCat – She is Russ’s assistant and agreed to sign a contract to come on full-time. Full Credit to Russ for going on Hinge.

By Dingle McCringle

Editor’s Note: One of your media overlords is out of the country and the other came late to the rink and didn’t get a chance to watch all the games.

So thank you Justin for updating the website with scores, and sorry for the lack of color. Away we go…

WTP 2, Rainbows, 1

Tighter than expected game with the Pucks edging out Rainbows

Rotten Math 1, Mega Touch 0 (SO)

Who doesn’t love a goalie duel? Eli with the shootout winner to seal the deal for Rotten Math

Lbs 9, Butchers 0

Oof. Lbs don’t like losing and it seems they took out their recent mini-schneid on Butchers.

Gremlins 1, Karma 3

Walker with the lone Gremmies goal and Stevie F putting on a clinic for Karma

Demons 1, Anklebiters 4

Anklebiters stay pesky and beat the Demons. Probie probably scored.

Fuzz 5, Fresh Kills 4

Fuzz stay hot and beat a solid FK team for their 5th win in a row

Filthier 1, Poutine 2

Poutine rally behind two goals from Tadpole to stay undefeated on the year against Filthier

Riots 0, Cobra Kai 6

Cobra Kai also stay undefeated blanking Riots with a six-spot. Congrats Russ and Ali!!

Hookers 3, Skyfighters 4 (SO)

Dan H. from Skyfighters is all over the media’s radar with a 2 goals (1 assist, but that doesn’t matter in BTSH) performance, capped off with the SO winner in a big upset win over the Hookers