btsh.org

By christo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

What’s that? No games this week? That means it’s time for….FILLER CONTENT. Which firework each BTSH team is and why. Please leave all complaints by tagging Russo. 

Firecrackers. These are The Hookers. Easy to light up (kind of like how Fuzz lit them up 8-1 last week) and tend to make a lot of noise (kind of like Lee). There’s so many different kinds that range from playful to deadly (like the M-80)—just like playing this team, have fun but watch out.

Smoke bombs- Fuzz are smoke bombs because they’re the only Suffolk County Police Department approved 4th of July “firework” (besides sparklers). Always fun to make a ton of smoke, but once it clears, you’re left standing going, “Now what?” I have it on good authority that smoke bombs are Hero’s preferred lack of fireworks anyways.

Novelty fireworks– There isn’t one type of novelty firework—they come in all shapes and sizes. Which is fitting for Lbs., because with a roster of 37 in 2019, they too came in all shapes and sizes. 

Fountains– MEGA TOUCH! Because if you Mega Touch a firework, your fingers are going bye-bye. Also, being one of the older teams age-wise in BTSH, Mega Touch must’ve found the FOUNTAIN of youth to continue to battle it out every week in close games. Bum dum tss.   

Ground Spinners- A unique firework that stays on the ground and shoots sparks in a circular motion, Rehabs get this one for their O-zone passing. Easy to tire opposing teams out when you’re able to move the ball around the horn like they can. 

Sparklers Gonna give this to the Rainbows. They’re fun, a fan favorite, and can burn you if you’re not totally careful. Also, no offense, but the team is getting a little OLD so the nostalgia of sparklers pairs nicely with the aging dudes on the team. Also this is Jess so you can’t get mad at me for saying it guys. 

Poppers- The Demons. These things scare the shit out of me and people 1000% still use them to throw at each other like assholes. I don’t even consider these fireworks, just incredibly effective torture devices.

Roman Candles– It’s advised you avoid holding these while shooting them but we all know there’s plenty of dumbasses who only want to hold them and shoot them because iTs MoRe FuN tHaT wAy. And those dumbasses are Poutine.

Bottle Rockets- Bottle rockets are like a scarier version of roman candles. So it makes sense this goes to Fresh Kills, a scarier team with more Canadians than Poutine. Much like FK, bottle rockets are incredibly dangerous. And much like the FK Canadians once their green cards get checked by an anonymous caller, they’re also banned in several states.

Parachutes There are multiple ‘fun’ and ‘safe’ fireworks in this lineup but I’m going to give this one to the Gremlins because the esteemed fireworks article I read said these were also ‘boring’ and…has anyone ever heard Walker drone on about a movie from the 80s? Salt boys and crew luckily make up for it and add to the ‘fun’ part. 

Aerial Repeaters– Sky Fighters. Not only for the name, but these fireworks are a fun bundle of multiple, smaller fireworks that pack a punch (kind of like Emily). A backyard crowd favorite that usually makes for a good time. 

Peony When people think of fireworks they usually picture a Peony, the convention big ass firework. Peonies are a crowd pleaser and usually get it done, much like Filthier. No frills but a big display of power.

Girandola What the Puck is a Girandola? These firework names are getting ridiculous. Girandolas spin up in the sky leaving a long trail in their wake. Just like WTP’s fast and cut-throat rise towards the upper divisions these past few seasons.

Chrysanthemum- A beautiful firework with a big bang, faded trails, and unique burst patterns, it sounds just like Riots. They embody all the ubiquitousness Tompkins has to offer, with skilled players, wily vets, and drink-you-under-the-table wildcards. Beautiful to watch, hard to replicate.

Flying Fish- Sounds like a Karate Move so Cobra Kai is “The Flying Fish”. These fireworks have colorful stars and resemble swarm-like movements of fish in the water. And the always colorful Russ would like everyone to know Liam had a hat trick in Week 1. 

The Willow- The Willow resembles the long limbs and canopy of a Willow tree, which ALSO resembles the lucious flow of Stephen and Derek’s hair. Instant Karma are…The Willow. 

Comet- Anklebiters are the Comet because they’re out of this world!!! (I’ll show myself out.) But also, Probie is fast. Ta-Daaaa!!  

Crosette- With a Crosette, you get the best of two fireworks—the Peony and the Comet. And with Rotten Math, you get the best of two teams! Once Rotten Math has a chance to vibe with their new teammates, look for them to light it up like a Crosette.

Skyrocket- All of these firework names sound like they could be for Skyfighters. However, Skyrockets are so obviously the Butchers. Noted as a ‘great choice if you want to build up to a bigger display’, The Butchers always seem to build as the season progresses, being most dangerous in their final(s) form.

By Glnzr

In Week 2 Cat gave 3 stars to a most likely drunk train conductor, Probie and Charlotte who got engaged several weeks prior, and Ben Chadwick because he was on an email exchange with Cat. Not to name drop, but I’m on a text chain with Probie and he alerted us of his engagement. It happened prior to Week 1 of the BTSH Season, the week I did the stars! So sadly, I’m negating Charlotte and his Week 2 Star because the event had already happened. Nice try Cat. 

***Tadpole Jack 

The 3rd star was a battle between Jack and his gf Annie. True story, when deciding between who I’d give the 3rd Star to, I had forgotten they were dating. It brings me so much joy to only give one of them stars, not both. This has to kiiiiiiiiill Cat. I hate love! 
Each made a strong case. Jack never played net in BTSH before and beat the mighty Rehabs. Annie torched the Zisser and the Lbs. in a shootout, which made me happy because she beat my team with the Lbs. in a shootout in Week 1. In the end, I felt Annie was a little more deserving, but Jack watched Hero while I played, so he gets the star. There will be no draining of the swamp when I’m doing the stars. 

**Coach/Dan Hopper/Edge

Dan Hopper and Coach have had legendary careers…with much different arcs yet sorta intertwined. jA young Hopper won the PBR Cup in 2009 with the Sky Fighters and remained with the team until he left after their semi-final loss on November 1, 2015. That evening, Dan joined the coveted BTSH HOF. Heart-broken over his loss, but overcome with pride over his induction, Hopper moved to Calif, realizing he’s accomplished all he can do in NY. Or maybe he left bc of his job or a girl. How the hell should I know?

Joining Hopper in the HOF on Nov. 1, 2015 was Coach. He had an amazing career with the Demons, going from player to emergency goalie to one of the leagues all-time best goalie, but not better than Craig, according to Craig. But on that fateful night, Coach also decided to leave, but he did not head west like Hopper, he went around 45.1 miles to Babylon and joined Fuzz. It took him 3 years, but in the end, he got his PBR Cup and went out on top. Like a drug, much like Edge, they all came back and now Coach has been reduced to Tim Brown’s whims and is Fuzz’s emergency goalie. Welcome back legends!

* Emily

Let’s face it, the Sky Fighters have been disrespected. First Hicks and Herr give them a bye on Week 1, and then in Week 2 Hicks tries to cancel their game due to Rain Fears over a passing drizzle. When was the last time the Media even mentioned a Sky Fighter? (The answer is literally the last paragraph) Emily had enough, and the Riots had too much of Emily. Emily scored 2 goals…striking a blow to every frat boy in NYC who dares challenges her to pushups at a bar. Russo/Jess, unless you want to be humiliated at center court by Emily’s freak pushup skills, I suggest you focus more on the Sky Fighters and less on Liam and his 3 goals he had in Week 1. 

Participation Awards: Russ wasn’t at the Cobra Kai game so we’ll never know who played well. 

By christo_the_hawk

HAPPY PRIDE and happy week 3 of hockey! The day was hot and the hockey was good.

The Dojo, despite dealing with some copyright infringement from the real Cobra Kai franchise, edged the Biters 2-1. LJ says no comment on the pending Netflix lawsuit and it is most definitely Russ’ fault.

Sky Fighters beat Riots 9-3 and I can finally use the below tried and true BTSH meme. Also captain Emily (who notched 2 goals herself) said, “We wanted to score a lot so we’d get better write ups.”

Newcomer Blake scored the GWG for Filthy to take down the Knife Pigs 2-1 after a tight game.

Poutine barely held onto their lead over Mega and won 3-2 thanks to the power trifecta of Jo, Mikey, and Sully.

Hookers used a brand-new-to-street-hockey goalie who was a former ice hockey goalie and Fuzz took advantage, winning 8-1 or “a lot to a little” as an anonymous Hooker informed me.

A back and forth game between Karma and the Rainbows, a sick diving goal from Sarah that started it all, and Karma coming out on top 5-4.

WTP struck early and often, and were up 3-0 but Roberts and the Lbs came from behind in typical fashion tying it up and sending into overtime. OT went to shootouts and Annie who so viciously scored the game winner for the Lbs in their shootout against Fuzz in week 1 returned the favor this time. Oh how the turn tables.

Colby Kills took down the Rehabs 5-3. Jack had quite the performance in goal for FK and Campbell was in net for the ‘habs. As yet another anonymous source said to me, “I’ll be making an anonymous call into the government to check green cards on the FK Canadians. They’re very good.”

And finally, what better way to close out the day with a Demons win (said no one ever- jk please don’t be mad at me again, Rubens). Math Rot had a strong performance but was no match for the Russian Rage that is Gene who netted the OT goal, 4-3.

See you all in 2 weeks!

By Stoop Dogg

Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good day! It’s your friendly neighborhood Stoop Dogg coming at you live from a little studio, ready, willing and able to bring you this weeks game previews. Having been on a year+ hiatus, howling at the moon, sniffing other stoops, etc. I am shooting totally blind to what teams look like in this Post-Cov-pocalyptic World. 

Cobra Kai vs. Gauging Anklebiters: 

I assume since Cobra Kai was a pretty young, NY based skwad, they’re about the same as they always were – fast, physical, and a bit mouthy. Anklebiters had already taken some serious hits to their roster pre-Covid but they were never a team to sneeze at with their poise and Probert’s speed and hands. 2-1 Anklebiters after a nail-biting round of OT. 

Mega Touch vs. Poutine Machine

Poutine Machine likely is returning with their standard roster of questionable morals but obnoxiously good players – they picked up Jack aka Cobra aka Mr. Beerbong and have always had a strong lady presence with Charlotte leading the charge. When you touch, you touch Mega – always a sneaky underdogg (so obvi huge fan here) bamboozling the more “skilled” teams who take them lightly – they got real busy in the off season, but likely in good shape chasing all their spawn around. 6-3 Poutine (but Mega, please, surprise us!)

Dark Rainbows vs. Instant Karma

Between these two teams, it’s not really a battle of hockey, it’s a battle of who can be nicer. Both teams who have done some serious rebuilding haven’t rebranded (and thank all the bones in heaven for that). Two quality fast teams, between Jess D’s speed and Derek’s biceps – going to give 3-2 Karma, but they will apologize afterwards and give you some beers.

Rehabs vs. Fresh Kills

Now this is a match up that will be very fun to watch, two great teams w/ serious sets of Lady Players. Rehabs are a POWER. Lady. Team. And I LIVE FOR IT! You’ve got Cherie with hands like butter and that absolute clap daddy (talk about clapping all night…the rest of the lyric is inappropriate), Sena and Carlin, power duo on and off the courts, defending the net, the blonde beauty Moe dangling, sniping, and cellying on the front lines, and let’s not forget Michelle, who is the ultimate lady, out on IR, carrying a potential future rehab bebe? Oh, and the Rehab doods are pretty good too. Fresh Kills is similar in that their guys are pretty good, but more background tot he center stage ladies (or at least that was the case?) Last I checked they had Rachel Solgon, Meg Fortier, Roxy Gaudiel, and at least one other who are highly skilled and forces to be reckoned with. Anyhoo, gotta go with Rehabs 4, Freshkills 3. 

Rotten Math vs. Denim Demons

Demons, I assume you guys are pretty much the same? Jenny-P captaining w/ two other great ladies, Miss Tracy and Sami Litt. They always had pretty highly skilled guys, with Miles, Gene, Mr. Sami Litt (I mean DRO), and a host of others. Rotten Math, everybody’s favorite combo meal, is tenacious, a little on the elderly side, but ridiculously smart which often plays to their advantage – also they have a pretty dope goalie. Assuming the Demons can keep their penalty count low, it’ll be a frustrating 5-3 loss in favor of the Double D’s.

Skyfighters vs. Riots

Riots have always been very proud of being super smart (which 100% something to be proud of) and Skyfighters wear blue and have a very respectful captain. They’re both teams of well adjusted adults with some solid, good athletes. Riots won’t go easily, but the Skyfighters will win out in the end, going with 4-2 Skyfighters.

Filthier vs. Butchers

The Butchers lost some players to marriage, pregnancy, and other teams, but they’re still just as scrappy as they’ve always been – don’t underestimate them, their captain’s friendly demeanor is just a facade. Filthier is a power house that isn’t to be underestimate though, especially if they still have James moving the ball up court and Anne hanging behind enemy lines ready to tap rebounds in. It’ll be close, but of a nail biter, but thinking filthier pulls it out with a 4-1 win. 

Fuzz vs. Corealers Hookers

What do you get when you get two skilled teams and one man named Lee? An exciting game… except when Lee is on the court (jkjkjk). Fuzz had a good crew, hopefully not too mouthy a Hookers have a pretty good roster, with some pretty high caliber ladies in addition to their strong male-identifying contingent. Close game but 3-2 Hookers. Fuzz, be prepared to pay up – we only take cash. 

Lbs vs. What the Puck

White  vs light orange, sweet vs citrus… whatever you get the picture. Lbs is likely your usual high caliber team captained by Frey and WTP is your wonderfully fun loving team of Emily Moore, Suzy, and Hogg. Bottom line, Lbs is usually stacked with string D and WTO usually is stacked in great personality, we always hope good hearted wins out, but unfortunately a deep bench of skill probably will… 5-1 Lbs. 

By christo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

Who are some of the dads we’ve managed to con nicely ask to participate? We’ve got Olivier and Will from Cobra Kai, Iannis from Gremlins, Gil and Walsh from Fuzz, Gabe from Fresh Kills, Justin from Math, Sean from Rainbows and Ed from What the Puck. Keep reading if you want answers to burning questions like the ever-persistent dad-core rivalry of New Balance vs Asics shoes.

What’s your favorite part about being a dad?

Olivier: When my kid naps.

Will: Stroller Beers and watching him learn new tricks. 

Iannis: It’s cheesy, but getting a smile and a big hug from the boy never gets old. 

Gil: My kids are all adults so my role has changed considerably. The best part of being a Dad is knowing that what I tried to impart makes much more sense to them today.  The older they get, the more appreciation they seem to have for the love and guidance I have to offer. 

Walsh: For all of the younger Dads out there (and Moms too!) I have to say that all of those sleepless nights caring for infants, early child rearing, driving them around to all of their events and being supportive of their activities, knowing when to say no and knowing when let go and let them learn for themselves……all of these things pay off someday.  Because eventually they do grow into wonderful people who you just love spending time with.  

So my role has morphed into more of an unpaid “life coach” and friend which I am totally relishing.  Every phase is different as they grow up and each one has its plusses and minuses, but this phase now where you get to see all of the hard work of parenting pay off is really my favorite part.

Gabe: Peppa Pig. Great discovery. The French translation is pretty good too. Erma, my wife, sometimes catches me chuckling at a joke from Peppa Pig and rolls her eyes. Outside of Peppa, my one daughter (so far), Ophelia, just makes every activity better. Tough to pinpoint anything specific, that’s my favorite part.    

Justin: I created something that, with time and luck, will take care of me when I’m old. Also, they’re adorable and watching them learn and grow into their own person is amazing.

Sean: Teaching them to do lots of cool shit.

Ed: Eve surprises us every day with something very random and new that makes Colleen and I burst into laughter. As of this writing, it was her putting her bowl in her mouth, then flipping all of the food onto her face while throwing her hands up in the air. Great goal celebration.

And your least favorite?

O: Living in fear that he might be like Russ when he grows up.

W:  Poops.

I: Kids can get on your nerves in so many creative ways, but let’s keep this hockey: the boy *loves* to troll me about the fortunes of a certain hapless Toronto hockey team…

G: There’s an old adage that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.  I have four kids so as you might imagine, being a Dad can be a constant emotional roller coaster. 

W: Paying child support. 100%

G: I think people will be thinking about the lack of sleep, the diapers and so on as the main negatives. To me, not being able to travel the same way, having to negotiate which hockey league I can afford to play timewise (which is fair), that’s the worst part. Being a dad also means I’m the oldest guy on my roller team (still median age in fresh kills) and in my head, it’s not registering that I’m older than Russ and especially Yetter, but I’m definitely perceived as the dad on the team.    

J: Kids are super fucking expensive. It was only after I had both of them I read that each kid will cost about $1 million to raise and get out of the house. Please join my campaign to bring back paid child labor.

E: Whenever something terrible happens to a kid now on TV or in a movie, it breaks me hard.

What’s one thing your kid has done so far that’s made you proud?

O: The first time he waved and meant it. After a few weeks he stopped doing it and he has been a disappointment ever since.

W: He unbuckled his bouncer and fell out but didn’t cry. 

I: So many… let’s go with how he picked up and really taken off on piano this past year. His wrist shot has also really improved over the pandemic. 

G: I’m very proud of all my kids and everything they stand for and have accomplished, but in the interest of being brief, I’ll share that my only daughter is a six-time Irish Dancing World Champion. 

W: From a sports perspective, my youngest was the point guard on her basketball team which won her league championship. From a college exploits perspective, my oldest can drink 7 Four Loko’s and not pass out in the street.

G: All the milestones kids go through, whether Ophelia is early or late in doing them (which I try not to track too closely), make me so proud. When Ophelia cries while being held by someone else, whether that’s my wife, friends or in-laws, and reaches for me cause she only wants to be held by me, deep inside I’m so proud.  

J: My older daughter Nadia read all the Harry Potter books in less than six months, which was amazing and really impressive to watch. My youngest, Audrey, puked up a blue raspberry slurpee next to our court during Math’s opening game, so she’s well on the way to following in my footsteps as a BTSHer.  

S: Donovan scored a goal on me one time. I was mad at first but then it brought a proud tear to my eye.

E: She has a best friend at daycare! She made friends about 30 years faster than I did. The teachers call them “Thelma and Louise”  (Walker assured me that Charlotte is too young to get this reference). 

Which BTSH team, besides your own, would you want your kid to play on when they grow up and why?

O: Mega Touch, so he can have a walking milk tank with him every game. More importantly because he’d be the best player on that team, even now.

W: Butchers. Good people. 

I: This is tough… let’s go with a team that knows how to have some fun, Anklebiters

G:  Interestingly, all of my boys have played games in BTSH, acting as subs on both the Happy Little Elves and Fuzz.  They are not permitted to play for any team their Dad doesn’t play on.  Outplaying me or contributing in any way to my team losing would be completely unacceptable. 

W: So I know I’m not allowed to pick my own team.  But I did check with Jeff and Rich (Hi Rich…..It’s Walsh) and they both informed me that Fuzz does not have a “Legacy Clause” in its bylaws.  So my kids are learning the hard life lesson that nothing is handed to you.  

I also did speak to my girls about this and brought up Gut Rot.  They are fun and I thought they would fit right in.  They both asked if they would be hugged by that shirtless guy.  I said do you mean Ellery?  They said yeah.  I said good point, you are both learning life quickly (although I did point out that shirtless guy is quite the Dad!)

I then brought up the Butchers.  First of all, both of my kids are carnivorous.  Secondly, despite their scary logo, the Butchers are a very kid friendly team.  And finally, they both like Rachel “that girl who is nice to us when you drag us to the Rose Charity Tournament”.  So it all checks out – the Butchers.

G: Which teams are left after Covid again? Ophelia is fearless (which makes me fearful) and runs wildly and I don’t know when that will change. Whatever team has the most doctors in it by 2035. I’m not comfortable enough with any one full roster to speculate on which team is least likely to have smart enough babies to then have doctors, but I definitely encourage people to chime in. 

J: As long as they don’t grow up to be Hookers, I’m all good.

S: Unicorns. Do they still exist? If so, unicorns. They had Craig Lasomething and Mike Myers

E: Probably Elves. Back story: I was looking through my emails and the first BTSH people I think I ever talked with are Glanzer, Chadwick, and one of the Hemsworth brothers. I don’t really remember who played for the Elves in this list, but I think they’re making a comeback.

Backup team: Math Rot, until little Liam James Hogg, the captain of Why the Pucks (Gen Z’s meta-rebrand), acquires her as a unique “three-way player” two years into her Math Rot stint.

Does your partner/significant other/ladies in general find New Balances or ASICS to have more sex appeal?

O: Either, as long as they are all white and are worn with white socks pulled up to the middle of the calf.

W: I dunno but she really likes Feiyue. 

I: New Balance “I can’t even picture what ASICS look like”, and I quote. 

G: My wife does not like either brand, hence my preference for Nike.

W: I took a poll of all of the millennial girls in my life.  It’s a good thing this question came in two weeks ago, because it took me that long to tabulate the results.  The responses varied from “I like you in nothing” (which I at first thought meant barefoot) to “Neither – wear Nike”.  But ASICS was the clear winner in this contest.

G: My humor and running shoes have been ready for parenthood for years. Erma has no preference between the 2 brands, but I’ll look her in the eyes when I rip a dangling piece of rubber from the sole of my shoe, cause I ran so intensively that day, and woah she likes that.    

J: I mean, it’s gotta be ASICS right? It sounds like you’re saying A Sex, so it’s right in the name. New Balances are dope though. 

S:  I’m single so I could care less.

E: Colleen knows I’ve worn the exact same shoe for about 10 years and that’s not changing any time soon… but between the two, she says ASICS.