btsh.org

By christo_the_hawk and Dingle McCringle

Who are some of the dads we’ve managed to con nicely ask to participate? We’ve got Olivier and Will from Cobra Kai, Iannis from Gremlins, Gil and Walsh from Fuzz, Gabe from Fresh Kills, Justin from Math, Sean from Rainbows and Ed from What the Puck. Keep reading if you want answers to burning questions like the ever-persistent dad-core rivalry of New Balance vs Asics shoes.

What’s your favorite part about being a dad?

Olivier: When my kid naps.

Will: Stroller Beers and watching him learn new tricks. 

Iannis: It’s cheesy, but getting a smile and a big hug from the boy never gets old. 

Gil: My kids are all adults so my role has changed considerably. The best part of being a Dad is knowing that what I tried to impart makes much more sense to them today.  The older they get, the more appreciation they seem to have for the love and guidance I have to offer. 

Walsh: For all of the younger Dads out there (and Moms too!) I have to say that all of those sleepless nights caring for infants, early child rearing, driving them around to all of their events and being supportive of their activities, knowing when to say no and knowing when let go and let them learn for themselves……all of these things pay off someday.  Because eventually they do grow into wonderful people who you just love spending time with.  

So my role has morphed into more of an unpaid “life coach” and friend which I am totally relishing.  Every phase is different as they grow up and each one has its plusses and minuses, but this phase now where you get to see all of the hard work of parenting pay off is really my favorite part.

Gabe: Peppa Pig. Great discovery. The French translation is pretty good too. Erma, my wife, sometimes catches me chuckling at a joke from Peppa Pig and rolls her eyes. Outside of Peppa, my one daughter (so far), Ophelia, just makes every activity better. Tough to pinpoint anything specific, that’s my favorite part.    

Justin: I created something that, with time and luck, will take care of me when I’m old. Also, they’re adorable and watching them learn and grow into their own person is amazing.

Sean: Teaching them to do lots of cool shit.

Ed: Eve surprises us every day with something very random and new that makes Colleen and I burst into laughter. As of this writing, it was her putting her bowl in her mouth, then flipping all of the food onto her face while throwing her hands up in the air. Great goal celebration.

And your least favorite?

O: Living in fear that he might be like Russ when he grows up.

W:  Poops.

I: Kids can get on your nerves in so many creative ways, but let’s keep this hockey: the boy *loves* to troll me about the fortunes of a certain hapless Toronto hockey team…

G: There’s an old adage that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.  I have four kids so as you might imagine, being a Dad can be a constant emotional roller coaster. 

W: Paying child support. 100%

G: I think people will be thinking about the lack of sleep, the diapers and so on as the main negatives. To me, not being able to travel the same way, having to negotiate which hockey league I can afford to play timewise (which is fair), that’s the worst part. Being a dad also means I’m the oldest guy on my roller team (still median age in fresh kills) and in my head, it’s not registering that I’m older than Russ and especially Yetter, but I’m definitely perceived as the dad on the team.    

J: Kids are super fucking expensive. It was only after I had both of them I read that each kid will cost about $1 million to raise and get out of the house. Please join my campaign to bring back paid child labor.

E: Whenever something terrible happens to a kid now on TV or in a movie, it breaks me hard.

What’s one thing your kid has done so far that’s made you proud?

O: The first time he waved and meant it. After a few weeks he stopped doing it and he has been a disappointment ever since.

W: He unbuckled his bouncer and fell out but didn’t cry. 

I: So many… let’s go with how he picked up and really taken off on piano this past year. His wrist shot has also really improved over the pandemic. 

G: I’m very proud of all my kids and everything they stand for and have accomplished, but in the interest of being brief, I’ll share that my only daughter is a six-time Irish Dancing World Champion. 

W: From a sports perspective, my youngest was the point guard on her basketball team which won her league championship. From a college exploits perspective, my oldest can drink 7 Four Loko’s and not pass out in the street.

G: All the milestones kids go through, whether Ophelia is early or late in doing them (which I try not to track too closely), make me so proud. When Ophelia cries while being held by someone else, whether that’s my wife, friends or in-laws, and reaches for me cause she only wants to be held by me, deep inside I’m so proud.  

J: My older daughter Nadia read all the Harry Potter books in less than six months, which was amazing and really impressive to watch. My youngest, Audrey, puked up a blue raspberry slurpee next to our court during Math’s opening game, so she’s well on the way to following in my footsteps as a BTSHer.  

S: Donovan scored a goal on me one time. I was mad at first but then it brought a proud tear to my eye.

E: She has a best friend at daycare! She made friends about 30 years faster than I did. The teachers call them “Thelma and Louise”  (Walker assured me that Charlotte is too young to get this reference). 

Which BTSH team, besides your own, would you want your kid to play on when they grow up and why?

O: Mega Touch, so he can have a walking milk tank with him every game. More importantly because he’d be the best player on that team, even now.

W: Butchers. Good people. 

I: This is tough… let’s go with a team that knows how to have some fun, Anklebiters

G:  Interestingly, all of my boys have played games in BTSH, acting as subs on both the Happy Little Elves and Fuzz.  They are not permitted to play for any team their Dad doesn’t play on.  Outplaying me or contributing in any way to my team losing would be completely unacceptable. 

W: So I know I’m not allowed to pick my own team.  But I did check with Jeff and Rich (Hi Rich…..It’s Walsh) and they both informed me that Fuzz does not have a “Legacy Clause” in its bylaws.  So my kids are learning the hard life lesson that nothing is handed to you.  

I also did speak to my girls about this and brought up Gut Rot.  They are fun and I thought they would fit right in.  They both asked if they would be hugged by that shirtless guy.  I said do you mean Ellery?  They said yeah.  I said good point, you are both learning life quickly (although I did point out that shirtless guy is quite the Dad!)

I then brought up the Butchers.  First of all, both of my kids are carnivorous.  Secondly, despite their scary logo, the Butchers are a very kid friendly team.  And finally, they both like Rachel “that girl who is nice to us when you drag us to the Rose Charity Tournament”.  So it all checks out – the Butchers.

G: Which teams are left after Covid again? Ophelia is fearless (which makes me fearful) and runs wildly and I don’t know when that will change. Whatever team has the most doctors in it by 2035. I’m not comfortable enough with any one full roster to speculate on which team is least likely to have smart enough babies to then have doctors, but I definitely encourage people to chime in. 

J: As long as they don’t grow up to be Hookers, I’m all good.

S: Unicorns. Do they still exist? If so, unicorns. They had Craig Lasomething and Mike Myers

E: Probably Elves. Back story: I was looking through my emails and the first BTSH people I think I ever talked with are Glanzer, Chadwick, and one of the Hemsworth brothers. I don’t really remember who played for the Elves in this list, but I think they’re making a comeback.

Backup team: Math Rot, until little Liam James Hogg, the captain of Why the Pucks (Gen Z’s meta-rebrand), acquires her as a unique “three-way player” two years into her Math Rot stint.

Does your partner/significant other/ladies in general find New Balances or ASICS to have more sex appeal?

O: Either, as long as they are all white and are worn with white socks pulled up to the middle of the calf.

W: I dunno but she really likes Feiyue. 

I: New Balance “I can’t even picture what ASICS look like”, and I quote. 

G: My wife does not like either brand, hence my preference for Nike.

W: I took a poll of all of the millennial girls in my life.  It’s a good thing this question came in two weeks ago, because it took me that long to tabulate the results.  The responses varied from “I like you in nothing” (which I at first thought meant barefoot) to “Neither – wear Nike”.  But ASICS was the clear winner in this contest.

G: My humor and running shoes have been ready for parenthood for years. Erma has no preference between the 2 brands, but I’ll look her in the eyes when I rip a dangling piece of rubber from the sole of my shoe, cause I ran so intensively that day, and woah she likes that.    

J: I mean, it’s gotta be ASICS right? It sounds like you’re saying A Sex, so it’s right in the name. New Balances are dope though. 

S:  I’m single so I could care less.

E: Colleen knows I’ve worn the exact same shoe for about 10 years and that’s not changing any time soon… but between the two, she says ASICS.

by Cat

I used to write 3 Stars on my phone on my morning commute to work – the subway is for inspiration, why else would @SubwayCreatures have over 2 million followers? I wasn’t sure I could muster this from the comfort of my own home.

Which is why THIRD STAR goes to Karl’s train conductor

On his way to Rainbows v. Mutt Rott, stick in hand, Karl was stopped by the subway train conductor. And by “Karl was stopped” I meant literally the entire train was stopped, and the rest of the passengers had to just wait while he spoke at length to Karl about hockey and then gave him a Mighty Ducks mug that he’d found.

NEW YORK IS BACK BABY!!!

 Second Star

Ben & Charlotte

Rich hates when I give stars for true love, because he’s jealous, but maybe Hero has finally softened him.

Happy engagement to the two of the league’s most talented hockey players!

First star

Chadwick

Fuck retirement!!!! Thanks for giving Craig some duct tape to fix this shoe* !!!!

*unverified report

Participation trophy goes to Cam the Goalie, because I realized I haven’t even referenced a single thing that happened on the courts, and he played like 3-4 games in spite of rain fears canceling much of the day.

Anyway, I hope this week’s 3 Stars makes Rich so so mad.

Love,

Cat

By Dingle McCringle

Only a partial Sunday “Around the League” because a proper sacrifice wasn’t made to the Hockey Gods, so they brought us rain.

The Colby Fresh Kills rolled Captain Hogg and WTP 6-2 in Game 1.

Poutine spread around the scoring and beat Gremlins 4-2. Charlie made +/- 47 saves.

Hookers hooked the Rehabs, beating them 4-1. Celebratory Filipino rum cocktails for Lee!!

Rainbows found the pot o’ gold against Rotten Math with a 4-2 victory.

Cobra Kai chopped their way to a 4-0 shutout vs. Butchers. Liam didn’t score, so no Stars for you!

And Filthier are up 1-0 on Lbs before rain came and messed up everyone’s day.

Mega beat Sky Fighters 5-3 and Fuzz beat the Biters 6-3.

Demons succumbed (succame??) to rain fears and opted to reschedule vs Karma.

Happy early Father’s Day to all you Dads out there. See ya in a couple of weeks.

By christo_the_hawk 

Everyone’s favorite and totally not overdone, previews!

WTP vs Fresh Kills

Fresh Kills got their hineys handed to them last week by the dojo. Even though the Colby farm system has plenty of talent, WTP is a well-rostered machine that can’t be stopped. Also Henry is back from being on vacation so WTP’s defense should be pretty solid and we can all see if the love connection between him and Tarny will result in some on-court chemistry.

Actual photo of Hogg, calculating stats, recalibrating reffing rules, and deciding who to poach next.

Prediction: WTP 4 – FK 2

Gremlins vs Poutine

Will Walker give Charlotte an early wedding gift and allow the Poo Crew to sneak an early goal past the Gremlins’ defense? Maybe, but if the usual suspects on the Gremlins show up it’s bound to be a tough game.

Prediction: Erich rolls up his sleeves to score the tying goal (and get rid of his awful farmer’s tan), 3-3 regulation, Poutine gets the win in OT thanks to their psycho offensive line.

Hookers vs Rehabs

With a stacked schedule the first few weeks it’s tough to be a hooker, but that’s life. Rehabs didn’t score as much as I thought they would last week but if Sena comes back and everyone snorts the same pre-workout Hicks uses I’m sure they will be hyped and hungry for goals.

Prediction: Cro shows up to actually play instead of shuffling around the courts in a Tommy Bahama shirt but it’s still not enough and the hookers get pounded, 4-1 Rehabs.

Math Rot vs Rainbows

Facing off twice in their division last year, Gut Rot and Rainbows each took home a win, and Math vs Rainbows was a bit of a blow out (thanks to 3 goals from an ex-math member). This new combo might result in a close game.

Prediction: Legally, I cannot make a prediction about my own team. We both win and we all hug. Go complain about it in the comments.

Filthier vs Lbs

Another good 1st division match up, even though Lbs won last week it was by the skin of their teeth. These two should be pretty evenly matched, both with a lean team and making use of skilled subs. Ann might still be flying high from the Islander’s victory and unleash a flurry of goals in the final minutes of the second half, but with Zisser being a far more competent goalie than the Bruin’s empty net, the goals will not come easy.

Prediction: 3-2, Filthy wins in the final minutes of regulation.

Butchers vs Cobra Kai

Did you guys know Liam scored 3 goals last week? Liam is really good. I’m saying Liam’s name a lot because apparently the media needs to name drop more according to my anonymous source on Cobra Kai. Liam Liam Liam. Now that that’s out of the way, I think this new-ish Butchers team could give the dojo a run for their money. Apart from LJ and Sienna, CK is hurting for some female talent due to various absences this season. 

Prediction: The bad guys win, 3-1 CK.

Mega Touch vs Sky Fighters

Having just played Mega, they definitely don’t go down without a fight. Sky Fighters might start out a bit soft with this being their official first game thanks to a bye last week but they could also be hungry to play…and win.

Prediction: Mega wins 2-1, but Emily beats everyone in a push up contest after.

Karma vs Demons

Karma has a lot of new talent in addition to their long-time solid players. They’re used to playing with each other, have solid scorers, and a few almost-Chadwick-sized players. Keep an eye out for a sparky new guy on the Demons named Jeff—he’s talented and will be the one physically trying to knock everyone over. 

Prediction: Karma wins 4-2, Chadwick activates his juggernaut powers and the demons’ players bounce off of him like gnats.

Live shot of Chadwick standing on the sidelines of a previous game.

Ankle Biters vs Fuzz

Fuzz has a new crop of ball hockey ringers on their team and the Biters came out flat against the Rehabs last week. Let’s all cut newly-engaged Probie some slack since he was feeling the love and celebration vibes. I’m anticipating a tougher game this time around but old school talent vs men’s league pro players does not bode well for a fair fight.

Prediction: A physical game with a lot of turnover but Fuzz wins 2-0.

By Dingle McCringle

Now that our season is officially back, we can continue the wonderful tradition of hazing introducing our shiny, new rookies to the rest of the league.

We kick off this year’s segment of “Meet the Rookies” with Florida Kevin, aka Kevin. I sat down (texted) with Florida Kevin and asked him some hard-hitting questions that he had equally hard-hitting responses to. Away we go…

Q: Florida Kevin, where are you from?
A: Boca Raton, FL.

Q: What’s your favorite form of ice cube?
A: Tijuana flats ice is the best for chewing but love just a standard cube for drinking water. Then obviously a nice sphere for some whiskey.

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it be?
A: Barkov, smart hard working 2-way player. (Mostly wanted to name a Panther that people know).

Q: If you could compare your style of play to any current or former NHLer who would it NOT be?
A: I’ll say Patrick Kane, he’s my favorite player but I have 0 hands.

Q: What position do you play?
A: Defense.

Q: Which Hemsworth brother does Isaac look most like?
A: Liam, duh.

Q: If you were deserted on an island with all of Karma, who would do which of the following first:
a) make a fire
b) find fresh water
c) die

A:
a) Isaac, always in control and seems like he use to be a boy-scout.
b) Derek, seems on top of all things water after bringing a bag of ice to the first game.
c) No one! Karma would make it out together!

Q: What inanimate object would you like to be and why?
A: A boat. Always a good time and good weather.

Q: What number do you wear and why?
A: 19. So many good players but loved Joe Sakic and the Avs growing up.

Well there you have it folks. Our newest recruit who aspires to be a boat and eats ice cubes for dinner. Florida really fries your brain.

Welcome to the league Kevin and best of luck this season! Tune in next week(?) for another round of “Meet the Rookies”.