Quarter Finals Game Previews
October 11th, 2013
Scott Lee & Corey Winters are ready for Sunday!
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
This game has us wishing we’d saved the hot dog photo until this week. After all, it was the deciding factor the last time these two teams faced off in a BTSH championship match. There’s a lesson for you young reporters. Choose your meat product costume photos wisely.
Still there are plenty of storylines here. WTP has been a perennial BTSH powerhouse throughout franchise history. But past performance is not an indicator of future outcomes (or however our financial advisor puts it. We really shouldn’t have bought all that Blackberry stock. But, c’mon. The guy was going to put an NHL franchise in Hamilton!). And WTP are not the same team they once were. Romeo is retiring and half the team are receiving AARP membership cards. Sal has been MIA since 2011. Hannah and the Woodsworths have gone from making plays to making playdates (see what we did there?). And Zimm’s fitness videos have taken on a decidedly Hasselhoffian overtone. Still, “that which they are they are” (yes, we just paraphrased Tennyson. Top that Glanzer.) And it’s possible that they may yet have the fire to upset one of the most heavily favored teams in BTSH history.
On the other hand, the Kills are at the height of their powers. With the exception of Kevin “My hair was white when I was 25 so no one can see me age” Foster, this is a speedy, youthful crew that could dominate the league for years to come. Scott Lee still isn’t old enough to rent a car, Ariel still gets carded at Ace and the French Connection just attended their CGEP ten year reunion (get Joann Provencher to explain that one to you, Dave). No wonder we all hate them.
The key to beating Kills is simple. Just use the same tactics that old white guys have always used to keep youth down. Lobby the government and abuse authority until you get what you want. There are a least 5 guys on the team on T-1 Visas and we’re sure you could get Alice’s status revoked as well. Don’t even get us started on the Russians. Get Homeland Security on the case and you’ll delete at least seven players from the roster. Then have the DOD offer Barch a lucrative contractor job in Silver Springs, MD. Lobby for Steph Opitz to be named Poet Laureate. And get a third strike on each of the Sarahs. That’s what stop and frisk is for.
A few simple judicial moves and all WTP will have to do is beat Nick Hobbs and Eugene Rha. Rha is tough but my mother-in-law could shut down Hobbs (and she’s pretty much the same age as Tom Macdonald). Go WTP! We’re pulling for you Romeo! Mission 4W!
#8 Happy Little Elves at #4 Denim Demons
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “Already Regretting That ‘Comic relief’ Line” Kazin
#10 Butchers at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
by guest columnist Vladimir “Grouchy” Marx
There’s a touch of David and Goliath to this one. The Butchers eked out a shootout victory over the ‘Biters last weekend courtesy of wily PBR Cup veteran Jenna Cruff. The ElbsLBS wiped Mega Touch 8-0 from the playoffs like something stuck to the sole of their shoe. The Butchers ain’t nobody’s bitches, though, and if they struggled against the Anklebiters it might have been because they were saving up their latent rage to fight one of those ambiguously evil teams of the uppermost echelon. LBS certainly fits the bill, so maybe this is the week the Butchers sharpen their cleavers and start slaughterin’.
This contest isn’t just about street hockey. It’s about democracy. The upcoming merger of the so-called Corporation with the league’s sole governing official (the Commish) can only result in the same sort of cynical league-wide puppeteering we’ve come to expect from those fat cats in Washington who fill their wineskins with squeezings from the puckered teats of crony capitalism. This is the time for the Butchers to stand up and send a message– not just to BTSH, and not just to America, but to the entire universe. We demand representation! The whole world is watching! Attica! Attica!
Here’s the inside scoop on what the Butchers can do to occupy the LBS.
- The Butchers should be drinking milk, which builds strong bones and teeth.
- Chris Demotta should concoct an experimental serum that will turn Georgine into a nine-foot tall furry red monster. (See artist’s rendering, above.)
- Operation Lobstertrap: Set up a store at 10th & A and have a sale on white polo shirts. Once the LBS are all inside, lock the door and call for a forfeit.
Butchers of the world, unite!
(Otherwise, LBS 4, Butchers 2.)
#6 Corlears Hookers at #5 La Famiglia
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East
By Rich “Tuques Forever!” Glanzer
For me, this is the Game of the Week, and here’s why.
THIS DAY IN LIME-TOSS HISTORY (#3) – October 9, 1984
October 10th, 2013
THIS DAY IN LIME-TOSS HISTORY (#3) – October 9, 1984
The year was 1984 and worldwide tensions were tense worldwide. Canada’s new prime minister Brian Mulroney pledged to establish a subcommittee by 1986 to summarize a study on trends in the trade of beige rubber-coated paperclips. Here in North America, meanwhile, the CIA introduced crack cocaine to relieve the expense of normal cocaine. A team of Nicaraguan Sandinistas, funded by the Pentagon and led by Ayatollah Khomeini, began designing the arcade classic “Contra.”
Little did the Contra team know that the video arcade would almost nearly be sort of a thing of the not-too-distant future past, just 29 years later, all because of a little five-hundred year old megacorporation transitioning into consumer electronics from their original line of business (chocolate-covered panties). Their new product: the Limendo Entertainment System.
The original L.E.S. came with two games sharing one cartridge. The first was called Super Mario Brothers and allowed the player to live the life of a struggling Italian plumber who gets mixed up in a regional drug war and ends up strung out in the metaphorical castle of his own decaying psyche, reliving a bad trip until his body succumbs to mushroom abuse. The game didn’t fare too well with kids; its outdated countercultural themes in the tie-and-blazer Reagan era doomed its audience to paranoid HAM radio operators and literature professors.
But the other game, Lime-Toss, proved so popular that entire families starved rather than tear themselves from the screen. Taking the ancient tradition of “Old Timey Lime-Toss” and transferring it into the digital era, players manipulated an electrified lime to control a retriever tasked with catching limes. Points were scored for style (not for actually catching the lime), as is traditional, so players were rewarded for spastic hand motions. Crushed limes and juice-squirted faces were familiar throughout America’s rec rooms, and trillions were spent on replacement controllers from neighborhood fruit stands.
1984 advertisement unearthed by Zardoz K. Norristrophy
The runaway success of 8-bit Lime-Toss changed the face of America for all eternity. Children would never leave their homes again, and their fingers would never smell the same. It also led to a decline in participation for the original, non-digital game, until its chance rediscovery at a retoxification retreat for degenerate middle-aged teenagers in Maryland [1]. This quickly led to the founding of the NLTA and the NLTAPA which licenses the likeness of Lime-Toss superstars in modern video game adaptations such as Lime-Tosser 2 Turbo Champion Edition and Matt Workman’s Lime-Toss!!.
What does the future hold for video Lime-Toss? Scientists speculate that by 2014 we will be driving “virtual limes” down the “information superhighway”, operating these vehicles through direct electrocortical stimulation of neurocitric phlogisthon waves. Nobody can say for sure, but one thing’s for certain: the future is bright for the electric lime!
Quarter Finals Playoff Schedule
October 8th, 2013
Take care of those knees, Creamy! The Butchers are going to need you this weekend.
Here is the schedule for this Sunday, October 13. Playoff games will start promptly at the times indicated.
12:30 PM East Tompkins Square Riots at Filthy Gorgeous
12:30 PM West Cobra Kai at Gut Rot
1:30 PM East #14 What The Puck at #1 Fresh Kills
1:30 PM West #8 Happy Little Elves at #4 Denim Demons
2:30 PM East Mega Touch at Sky Fighters
2:30 PM West Rehabs at Mathematics
3:30 PM East #10 Butchers at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM West #6 Corlears Hookers at #5 La Famiglia
4:30 PM East Dark Rainbows at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 PM West Poutine Machine at Gremlins
Sweet Sixteen Boxscores
October 8th, 2013
No real upsets, in the Sweet Sixteen Round. Sadly, Glanzer division darlings the Anklebiters and Mathematics lost to lower seeded (but higher division) opponents. Guess, Derek should have recruited more Norri. We’ll miss the high spirits and conviviality that both teams bring to the court.
With the #1,2,4,5,6, and 8 seeds all moving on, expect the quarter finals to be intense.
Butchers 3, Gouging Anklebiters 2 (OT-SO)
Sweet Sixteen, Game Previews – Part 2
October 4th, 2013
#13 Rehabs at #4 Denim Demons
12:00 PM, Tompkins Square West
This is the week that the Rehabs go from trying to beat their inner Demons to beating the Denim Demons. And compared to shutting down, Rubens and Co., Meth addiction is going to seem like a cakewalk.
The Double Ds have been a force in the league this year, with a 1 and 1A punch of Kamen and Tinkelman centering a high powered offense. But the real secret to the Demons success may be Aaron “Coach” Pagdon, their veteran netminder, who is notoriously stingy in the playoffs. With all the goalie retirements taking place this season, many have speculated that Coach may look to pack it in at the end of this year as well.
But will he? Longtime league insiders know that Aaron and Adam are two of the only remaining Demons players who took part in a notorious Satanic mass after the Johnson’s Olympics of 2009. A botched attempt to use Brent as a virgin sacrifice (yeah, right) led to the Demons being cursed to come near the championship but never win. The conditions of the curse also stated that any player who quit would be forced to travel the country in a ’82 Dodge minivan opening for Hootie and the Blowfish. Coach may be willing to tank a playoff game in order to avoid this horrendous fate.
Unfortunately for the Rehabs it won’t be this one. Expect Brian and his crew of basic cable channels to put up a good fight but ultimately falter. And expect Senna to be bombarded by offers from other teams about 13 seconds after the game finishes.
#9 Dark Rainbows at #8 Happy Little Elves
1:00 PM, Tompkins Square West
Remember how we said Lbs-Megatouch was a good game for color blind people to watch? Well this game should probably only be watched by colorblind people. Yes, they may have problems telling the jerseys apart. But there are other subtle visual cues they can use to follow the game (hint: rainbows have hair, Elves don’t). Everyone else should probably avoid viewing this game, especially if they’re prone to motion sickness.
For those strong enough to tolerate the gut wrenching mixture of neon pink and green on the court, an entertaining match can be expected. There’s no question the Elves are the more talented team. But Rainbows goalie Ariel Kipnis has been outstanding this year. And the Hippies tend to lose their “Peace and Love” attitude when it’s win or go home.
We won’t be surprised if we see an Abby-Adelle throwdown at center court this Sunday. But we will be surprised if the Elves exit early. They’ve got a date with destiny (aka Math) and every ref in the league will be printing out a rulebook before that one.
PS: Kudos to Rainbows management who took what looked like a shaky team at the start of the season and turned them in to a crew that could hold their own with any team in the league.
#10 Butchers at #7 Gouging Anklebiters
2:00 PM, Tompkins Square West
This will probably be the most high-spirited game of the day. Both teams have great players and more importantly both teams play the game for fun. We could write about how this game will prove if the 2013 Anklebiters are for real. We could write about how this may be Eric Ramirez’ s last game as Butcher (he’s moving to GutRot next season). We could write about whether Schuie will come out of retirement for the sole purpose of arguing with the refs but really there’s only one story here …
WHAT KIND OF A**HOLE VOTES AGAINST EXCEPTIONS FOR PLAYERS WHO DIDN’T PLAY FIVE GAMES BECAUSE THEY WERE PREGNANT?
For those of you who don’t know, Captains had to vote on player exceptions this week. And two idiots voted against exceptions for Amy Donohue and Jen Harlan. These jerks should be glad that the vote was anonymous. Otherwise, the ORG would be campaigning for these Rule #1 violators to be publicly shamed and showered with the cheapest, nastiest cans of malt liquor and energy drinks we could find.
Complete and utter jagoffs.
Of course, that’s just our opinion. We could be wrong.
#16 Gut Rot at #1 Fresh Kills
3:00 PM, Tompkins Square West
It’s Bad Bellies vs. Bad Smells in a game that’s rife with upset potential (of course, that all depends on who plays in goal for the GRs).
The Standoff Hall of Famers were out in force last week including veterans like Liza Watts and Matt Workman. And a full Gut Roster is a force to be reckoned with (it’s also technically four players over the limit but I’m sure Tommy solved that for the playoffs). It’s also something the Kills have never seen and that element of surprise may be enough to give them an early edge.
Of course, they may need to employ a few more tactics to defeat the Junkyard Jivers. Here are some suggestions:
1) Kills Captain Dave Sokol has cleverly arranged for the Steelers to have a bye this week. Counter by getting MLB to move the Pirates game to 3:00 pm. Barch will either pull a no show or be listening to baseball on headphones for your entire match.
2) Enroll all female members of your team in a crash course in Canadian French. Then have them repeatedly yell “Je suis Celine Dion!” throughout the game. Gabe and Alex neutralized.
3) Have Suz or anyone) run across the court in a hot dog costume. It worked for Fresh Kills in the past. Now it can work against them.
Employing these tactics should be enough for you to pull off the upset of the season and become the biggest Cinderella story sing the Elves won the BTSH championship back in the early ’70s.
