btsh.org

by christo_the_hawk

If you’re like me, you were lucky enough to come into this league while it was being run by Brian and Sarah. If you’re old as hell like Rich, you’ve seen a lot of things in terms of league management. Some good, some bad, but none as hashtag efficient as this dynamic duo who are ending a 2 term (that’s 4 years!) stint.

I remember seeing some guy in an Egyptian Pharaoh hat halfway through my first season thinking…wow that guy…is interesting. It was Hicks. Imagine my surprise to find out he also ran the league. Meeting Sarah instantly quelled my fears that my newly beloved hockey league wasn’t going to be run into the ground.

It’s no small feat to be the commissioner of a ~500 person hockey league. It’s also no small feat to undertake the job when you just started dating your co-commissioner. They’ve changed the league a lot and made it more efficient—and even got married when they had a free weekend away from hockey. I could go on but I’ll leave some room for y’all to actually read the interview.

Please briefly regale us with the story of how you met, for old times sake.

Hicks: Like most things in life, it’s Glanzer’s fault. Week 1 of the 2017 btsh season, my team at the time (Fuzz) blew a 3-0 lead in the second half to the rehabs. In OT, the rehabs scored at which point Welch wooed with open arms towards our bench. As anyone who knows Rich knows, he HATES wooing (it’s more unforgivable to him than if the NL added the DH). So Rich chased Welch down and shoved him into the fence. This process took a while because as you know, Rich doesn’t have a very high top end speed so he basically had to wait for Welch to slow down. Because of this, Rich was suspended for two games. But let the record reflect that had he been a bit faster, he probably would’ve been suspended for less, but the DC clearly felt his speed was so offensive it merited a second game. 

Anyways, fast forward three weeks and I’m at the courts before my game. Rich is making his glorious return and is reffing. Flawlessly I might add. Absolutely beautiful form with the hand raise on delayed calls. He looks like he’s even gotten faster from all the CrossFit he did during his two week suspension. I start cheering him on and letting him know how flawless his reffing is. An attractive girl who happens to be vertically challenged looks back to see who this Rich fan boy is and smiles. We make eye contact. Sparks fly. I make a note that there is a cute girl in the league I haven’t seen before, but I’m currently chugging pre workout and blasting hype up music so introducing myself will have to wait. 

About a month later, May 21, 2017 to be exact, we played tonsil hockey at ACE Bar (us being there is also Glanzer’s fault as he demands the league go to his birthday at that bar after games one Sunday in May. every. single. year.). True love.

SPH: This is how we met, but it’s worth noting that despite having my phone number, it took Brian another three months to actually ask me out. My baby brother (yes, for those who know him, Gardie) subbed for Math one Sunday, and not knowing that I had brother, Brian mistook my much taller and blonder brother for my boyfriend, and he was devastated. He finally asked me out in the always atmospheric Parkside Lounge, amidst the romantic background noise of Beer Olympics. He also had a Duck Dynasty beard at the time, and no one — including me — can believe I said ‘yes.’ 

What made you want to become joint commissioners? Did you have any hesitations about sharing it with someone you recently started dating?

Hicks: Popack bamboozled me & Diane bamboozled SPH. Once we realized we’d both agreed to run for the same job we chose to do it together. 

SPH. By bamboozled, he means bullied. 

Hicks: I think there were some reservations at first, but we’re both pretty good at identifying the other person’s strengths and letting them have that space to operate.

SPH: We both knew that we were either going to work well together or we weren’t, and if we weren’t, wasn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later?

What do you think is each other’s best quality as a commissioner? 

Hicks: Sarah’s best quality is her ability to write emails that convey her annoyance with anyone who questions her ruling style and therefore dissuades people from arguing. Really saves us a lot of time. 

SPH: I’m forever grateful for Brian’s math and reasoning skills. One time, I tried to be helpful and make the opening and closing schedule — not even the real schedule — and I messed it up. Badly. Brian had to redo it. Making this season happen was a lot of work, but writing a schedule for 19 teams definitely would not have happened without Brian, beer, or the University of Michigan’s engineering school. 

What has been the most challenging part of this job? 

Hicks: If I have to pick something, it’s probably the weather and dealing with all of the amateur weathermen and weatherwomen in the league. It’s even better when the weather stuff happens during playoffs.

A close second would be the skateboarders and their toys.

SPH: If I’m being snarky, people confusing the commissionership with a full time job, with benefits.

If I’m not, the time and personality management. Everything got easier once we knew the personalities and the sometimes not-so-personal histories of people in the league. Also once we learned about the Governing Document sometime during our third year. 

What’s one thing you wish you knew before becoming Commissioner?

Hicks: being commissioner doesnt fast track you to the HOF, you still need ten years of playing, per Rich’s rules. 

SPH: Everything that’s in the aforementioned Governing Document.  Also, what the heck, Rich? 

What’s one thing you’d tell someone who signs up for the job next season?

Hicks: Run.* Also check out the feature most emails have that lets you send emails at specific times. It’s ideal for when you’re hungover and don’t wake up early to send the league email.

Or just marry someone who will write the league email (sorry about the few weeks there wasn’t one cause she was out of town). 

Also, set up a glanzer filter on your commissioner inbox, your personal inbox, and your work inbox. Just do it. Change your cell number too. 

*Editor’s note: I’m not sure if he means ‘run for commissioner’ or ‘run away from the thought of signing up for this role’

SPH: It’s all fugazi. If it’s not in the rules or the governing document, make the captains vote or use your judgment (unless you’re Rich, in which case use Eli’s judgment). 

What’s one project/new feature in the league you’ve implemented that you’re particularly proud of?

SPH: Improving communication and transparency between league management, captains, and the league as a whole. A lot of people before us worked hard to standardize the rules, ensure we were appropriately incorporated as the correct kind of non-profit (501c-7, tax nerds), write the bylaws and more, but there wasn’t much administrative infrastructure. When I joined the league, people only knew about league events if their captains bothered to tell them. Instituting things like distribution lists, the Captain’ Manual, and the weekly league emails were all done to help improve communication across the league and make it easier to know what was going on, and it’s my hope that it also makes things easier for the next commissioner(s). 

Hicks: Getting attendance into a more digital state (albeit with the help of a pandemic) was something I’ve always wanted for the league, so it was cool to see that start to happen this year. My only regret is that we never implemented BTSH Bracketology.

If you could create a brand new team what would you name it and pick 1 person from each team in the league to be on it.

Hicks: The Perverts. Jack McGinty gets the A.

I’m also taking Moe from the rehabs because that’s my linemate. From Karma, give me AK so we can crush Taco Bell together before games. Give me Craig from the biters so we can win a title together unlike our beloved lions. From Fuzz, I’ll take Rich but only so I can cut him after week 1. From lbs, give me Frey so I can consult him on how we can circumvent rules. From filthier, I’ll import the Annimal back from Austin. 

From the hookers give me Cheeky so that we can have weekly dumpling bets and from cobra Kai I’ll take Russ. Full credit to him for this expansion team. From fresh kills, give me Lily, but I’ll probably have to text her that she’s been selected since she never replies to my d5 emails. From what the puck, I’m taking Hogg ? and from the butchers, give me Akhil.

From the gremlins, give me Marcella so that she can be freed from Walker’s +\- tracking. Demons, I would take d ro and Sammy, but I’m worried their dog will show up and yap at me all game, so I’ll take popack instead if she promises to not talk about the cowboys. 

Rotten Math- gotta take the wife. Happy wife, happy life. I’m taking Eli too cause I need an enforcer and there are only 19 teams. From the riots, I’ll take David. From Mega I’m taking Shelly (duh) and from the sky fighters, I’ll take Westley. From rainbows I’m taking Jess so that we get positive media coverage since we know she’s the one running the show. 

SPH: I don’t know how to follow that response, so I’m not going to. 

If you could make up a random rule in the league for a day, what would it be?

Hicks: if you’re in the semis or finals this year you have to wear a costume. MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

SPH: Refs can make people who yell at them run Herbies. And those people have to ref the next game. Preferably while wearing costumes. 

What’s something underrated but super appreciated that players in the league can do to make your jobs easier?

Hicks: stop yelling at the refs

SPH: stop yelling at the refs and volunteer more. The same 6% of the league does all of the work. If more people did a little bit, things would be a lot easier for everyone.*

*Editor’s note: hmu if anyone wants to VOLUNTEER to be part of the media next year…

What’s your favorite part about being Commissioners? What will you miss the most?

• Hicks: Meeting everyone. I think we both met more people through this than we would’ve otherwise. I will very much miss threatening to suspend people knowing full well I never had that kind of power. 
• SPH: Telling people I run a league that is bigger than a lot of companies. And the nice thing Brian said about the people. 

Hicks & Herr, Sultan and Sarah, Meatbox and Mrs. Meatbox, whatever you lovingly refer to them as, we’d all like to thank you for the 4 years you’ve put into this league and the impact you’ve left on it for the future. 

By Glnzr

The first round of playoffs is in the books and I’m ready to write some stars! Tune in to see if Mega gets one for their victory over the Demons!

There may (but also may not) be 3 Non Stars though I’ll probably word it as 3 Heels to satisfy my WWE wrestling fetish. 

But before I start the stars, can someone explain this picture please? Not that there’s anything wrong with it…but still…pause. 

***Probie

Probie was a beast. He scored an early goal for the Biters and they never looked back winning 3-0. Only Probie gets the star because he also added another one and when he was out there the ball was in the Rehabs zone. But props to the whole team for playing hard and strong. Phil and Amy must have done it in the morning or something because those two were particularly physical (in a BTSH allowed way) and played their best games. Also Nick made a great defensive play and their whole team wrongly complimented Craig for a save that never got to him. Poor Nick, will he ever win? But props to Craig had an elite water break when he wasn’t thirsty but his team needed a break (he confirmed this to be true). Schuey also made several smart dumps to keep the Rehabs potent offense in the defensive zone.

Great team win. (And no Probie, you can’t use Stu next week)

**Diabetic Dicky

It’s playoff time and we do not share stars in playoff time. This was a really hard one to give. On one hand, Russo scored two Poutine goals and ended the longest playoff BTSH shootout (that I know of) with a sweet goal. Some people say Russo got a hat trick, scoring 2 regulation goals and one shootout goal. Those people are wrong and should be written up and sent to the DC. 

But Dicky stopped I think 12-13 shootout attempts. 2 of them were actually good shots too! In the end I chose Dicky because he has diabetes and Russo doesn’t. Or if he does isn’t open about it and should be. Lesson to be had, send me your medical issues and you might get a star!

Before we get to the first star lets take a break to see Hero!

* Derek

I think 50 people told me, “You didn’t hear this from me, but Danielle didn’t want to let Karma play with two girls last week.” I heard it from all of you! Danielle’s decision backfired as the Rain Fears cancelled their game and angered Karma. Derek netted 5 goals and would have had six if Corey didn’t get in the way of one of his goals and let it knick off him. 

Sorry Mega, Julie was very mean to me so out of spite you didn’t get a star.But if you make the semis you will get all of them! Or at least the first star. 

By Glnzr

If you want “Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is”, I have some bad news. You’re going to have to wait ‘til like week 3 of 2022 when Cat returns because the playoffs are here and it’s time to talk about hockey! (But in case you can’t wait, the Rainbows are the African dwarf frog because a lot of their girls including Cat are not tall. Am I allowed to say small? I think that’s ok. They are small.)

Filthier at Instant Karma

As we all know from Friedman’s relentless emails, Karma’s women are better than your women. But much like the “Homer at the Plate” episode, one by one they all have an excuse not to come. On Sunday, Isaac was asking every girl if they would sub, and he even asked Charlotte from Math so you know he’s desperate. Thankfully for Karma, Brianna will be there.

Meanwhile Filthier has had a brutal season in Division 1. After the loss of (obligatory Ann/James reference) Ann and James, Filthier only won 1 game (3 total). But with JJ, Sunny, both Toms, some dude named Blake, Andrew and Kate, they will be ready to play.

Prediction: This is so hard. Austin/Derek are the two best players on the rink. The rest of Karma play a very gritty and smart game. I’ve been on the Karma bandwagon all season, but against the top division, they got blown out by the Rehabs. They have beat Poutine twice and emaciated Lbs. team back when the Lbs. didn’t care. I’ve been down on Filthier all season. But FK beat Cobra Kai, and played most of the top division teams very tough. I expect Tim K. to play great and win 2-1. Prove me wrong Karma.

Hookers at Cobra Kai

When CK poached Sig and Ryann from Fuzz, they planted a flag in the middle of TSP and said, “We’re here to win the whole damn thing.” Then they went full heel mode and stole Yetter from former league sweethearts Rainbows. CK finished in 3rd, but really, who cares? The season starts now. 

The Hookers only won 2 games, but they were against Rehabs and Anklebiters, and 3 of their losses were in OT/shootout. They are coming off a 1-0 victory over Rotten Math, which is nice that they got a shutout in the playin game, but has little meaning when you consider they borrowed two goalies to get that shutout, and they played Rotten Math.  

Prediction: Cobra Kai beat them 4-1 earlier in the season. I expect a 4-0 shutout this time.

Rainbows at Fresh Kills

I feel like these teams play every year and every year the Rainbows give FK a game. While they lost 8-4 this season, it was close for a while. I truly feel Jess should get MVP consideration for how well they played this year. But she won’t get GM of the year. That will go to Gabe who got his 4 ringer Canadians. 

Prediction: I really hope the Rainbows come in thinking they can win and play their asses off. This would be such an epic win, by far the biggest win in the history of this league. But this isn’t a safe space, it’s a prediction space. 7-1 FK.

Demons at Mega Touch

Mega had their best regular season ever and earned their 5th seed. In their last 3 games they’ve outscored their opponents 12-2.

The Demons will come into this game with the best goal scorer in Gene, the best shooter in Amit, and the biggest jerk with this guy that actually has tattoos of every Super Bowl win the Patriots have in Jeff. Ahhh Jeff’s a good kid…just a little entitled. He should become a Met fan. I digress.

Prediction: Doink! Sorry, still laughing at Belichick’s idiotic decision to try a 56-yard-FG in the rain where even if Folk makes it Brady is just gonna come back down the field and score. I have Mega winning this game. Come playoff time, Mega often has a great game in them. In 2019 they lost 1-0 to the Rehabs. I see a 3-2 victory in OT. Jeff B.—if he shows—scores the winner. Do they even have a Jeff B.? 

Anklebiters at Rehabs

No one was hurt more by the virus than the Anklebiters, who had all their new young studs leave, and all their Schuey’s and Phil’s stay. 

Well…I guess the people that died and got sick suffered worse fates. Meanwhile the Rehabs haven’t lost since Hicks took over as coach. Their win vs. Karma was about as impressive of a win that the league saw this season.

Prediction: They played each other the first game of the season and for one of these teams, they will play each other the last game of the season. That team will be the Anklebiters as the Rehabs will roll 4-2. Somehow Rehabs will play Fuzz in QF. 

WTP at Poutine

We all love the boyfriend/girlfriend matchup of Tadpole Jack vs. my new nemesis Annie. However both will be in Hawaii visiting James M., since Jack doesn’t play BTSH playoff games (missed Math’s lone 2019 playoff game) and Annie only scores for literally every single other team except WTP.  

WTP had 3 straight games against top conference teams in Anklebiters, CK, and Rehabs and lost them all. Poutine lost twice to Karma (unless Justin F’d up the website which is probably since he never gave the stats) and also lost to the Lbs.

Prediction: Every year the top conference wants to welcome Poutine into the 2nd div with open arms. But they never come in first and they always lose a tough 2-1 game in the playoffs. Too bad for them JSB isn’t visiting Jack and Annie at Tompkins. They won’t need them though…a late goal by Sully seals the deal. 2-1 Poutine. 

Skyfighters at Lbs.

“Thanks a lot assholes.” That’s what I’m sure Emily said to the Lbs. after they punted the first half and then tried in the second half. SF had a really good season and if they would have beaten Mega, they would have been in 5th place instead of 9th, and facing the Demons instead of the Lbs.

The Lbs. were rooting for the pandemic as no one showed their first 5 games (even though they started 2-0 and beat Fuzz but only bc of Annie/Joel shooting in the shootout). However, since Avery decided to show against the Butchers, the Lbs. have returned to their elite play.

Prediction: Much like FK vs. Rainbows, wrong place, wrong time for the Sky Fighters. Mia, remember, cover Frey at the point or he may get another hat trick like he did in OC. And fuck, I just realized we play the same time as SF and Lbs., so I can’t ask Emily or Caitlin to watch Hero (gratuitous Hero mention). (I would have mentioned you Liz but you didn’t pick up the phone when I called you.)

Butchers at Fuzz *Guest writer appearance by Dingle McCringle*

The best part about being the editor, is that I can put whatever I’d like in this section, and Glnzr won’t see it until it’s too late. So without further ado…Which Type of Frog Your BTSH Team Is!!! (Glnzr’s article title, not mine.)

I was tempted to say that the Butchers are a Poison Dart Frog after they served a deadly dose of hockey to the Gremlins last Sunday, but I think they’re more of a Fire-bellied toad. A truly beautiful toad with triangular pupils. With some truly skilled players and BTSH icons like Jake T., Rachel, and Akhil—and Timmy B. in net—don’t sleep on the Butchers. 

Glnzr wanted me to mention that the last time Fuzz played Butchers, he had three assists. But joke’s on him because assists aren’t a thing in BTSH. That makes Fuzz a Barking Frog because, unlike Hero, Glnzr is all bark and no bite. BUT, Fuzz has more than enough firepower to provide the bite in Jeff, Sig, Ryann, and Malik.  

Prediction: While this would be a massive upset if Butchers took down the #1 seed, I see Fuzz hopping along to an easy win. But this’ll toad-ally be a great game to watch. Ribbit. 

By Dingle McCringle

Ooooo, it’s the best time of the year. Crisp fall air, the leaves changing colors, warm apple cider, and most importantly BTSH PLAYOFFS!!!

But before the grand kit and kaboodle, there are three very meaningful games being played this Sunday to see who could do their best impression of the 2020 MTL Canadiens, and not just sneak into the big show, but possibly win the whole thing.

(Narrator: The Canadiens very much did not win the whole thing. #’Merica)

Here we go…

Riots vs. Rainbows

If you want an underdog story, look no further than the Riots. After a tumultuous regular season, a win against the Rainbows would be HUGE!! The Rainbows will have to stay sharp to avoid the ol’ Sleeper Game. With attendance issues sure to plague most teams this fall, now might be the best time to strike for the Riots

Prediction: Rainbows win a closer than expected one, 5-3

Rotten Math vs. Hookers

After last season’s success (2019 feels forever ago) who would’ve thought the Hookers would be fighting for their life in a play-in game. In a similar setup to the Riots/’Bows game, if Rotten Math are in it for most of the game, maybe Hookers get in their own heads a bit. Maybe we see a tie game with only minutes to spare. Maybe I should stop talking in hypotheticals and we should play the damn thing.

Prediction: Hookers win easy, 4-1, and Rotten Math start thinking of a better name for next season.

Butchers vs. Gremlins

A true toss-up game. They were close in the standings for the whole season, but… not a lot of points between the two sides. But I digress!! The Gremlins have played a lot of one and two goal games this year, and based on their season, if they can net three, they’re in pretty good shape. The Butchers, on the other hand, are coming off their best offensive game of the season potting four against Fuzz.

Prediction: Butchers win a tight one, 2-1, with a controversial “was his/her foot in the crease?” goal being the difference maker.

Written by JW

Comprised of both the 3 on 3 tournament, and the All-Star game/skills competitions, this was a BTSH Sunday like no other. Many stars arose (and surprisingly zero Not Stars, at least that I saw/heard about, someone correct me if I’m wrong about that) but I had to whittle it down to only 3…….oh, and a bunch of honorable mentions. 

Without further ado, let’s see who we’ve got. 

3rd Star: Free Agency

Some free agents were new, and didn’t know many people. Some (such as myself) are old and just didn’t have the motivation or energy to put a team together. It’s fun to just roll the dice and see who you end up playing with. Some were only able to make it last-minute, so they jumped in as free agents. However all of us got here, we ended up with 3 free agent teams. I loved my team (which Cheeky curated), and I saw that the other 2 free agent teams were out there having a blast as well. One of those free agent teams even beat multiple stacked teams and went on to WIN THE WHOLE DAMN THING. This star is especially for you, the Fried Pork Dumplings. Your win was the cherry on top of a great day. Wait, no, the All-Star game was the cherry on top. So I guess your win was whatever comes just beneath the cherry on a sundae. I don’t know, I don’t eat desserts. Congratulations on the win. 

2nd Star: The Refs

It’s a thankless job. Nobody really WANTS to do it (except Lee, apparently?). But, somebody’s gotta do it. And some days somebody’s gotta do it A LOT. With a shortage of refs, those who did ref had to put in some serious extra time this week. Apologies if I missed any of you: Yetter reffed a bunch of games, I also know I saw: Cheeky, Sarah, Hicks, Eli reffed one of my games last-minute, even Jessica got stuck reffing her first game ever. Glanzer and I deemed her performance……adequate. (She actually did a really great job reffing, but I refuse to admit it). Lee easily reffed the most games of the day, including jumping in to assist the aforementioned rookie ref during the All-Star game. Thank you all for your service. 

1st Star: The Organizers – Cheeky, Jack, Russo, Jessica

Y’all knew who was getting 1st Star. But if you weren’t there, you don’t know how much they deserve it. From the conception of the idea, to the planning, to the setting up, to the execution of the idea, to the closing down……they did it all. Jack, for coming up with the idea, dealing with the bracketology (that’s a word, right?), Russo for setting up AND closing down and all that comes in between, Jessica for making sure the All-Star game happened (complete with beer mines, replacing face-offs with chug-offs, and all the usual hijinks), and last but surely most – Cheeky, for doing a ton of the heavy lifting and (on a personal note) writing a rad theme song for my team. I think you need to lay that track down at some point. In addition to all this, all 4 of them did all the behind-the-scenes things that none of us ever see, as well as all the game day things that were visibly apparent. I myself know a bit about organizing a rain date tournament, it’s incredibly stressful but also well worth it because everyone had an awesome time on Sunday. So, is this Fab Four more legendary than The Beatles? Probably. I actually wouldn’t know, I’m more of a fan of The Who. What are The Beatles? Thank you all for putting together a super fun day. 

I stupidly forgot to get a photo of all 4 of them together…

Honorable mentions:

The goalies – The goalies actually almost got 2nd star over the refs. There was also a bit of a goalie shortage and they had to play a TON, never once complaining. Friedman and Cam even went the extra mile and played the All-Star game at the end. Maybe the goalies should have gotten 2nd star? Who writes this stuff anyway?

The opening crew – Scotty K., Jessica, Jeff from the Demons, Casca were even earlier than me, they were building nets when I arrived (Jessica lost at the net-building competition AGAIN), Russo for opening up, etc. I definitely forgot some people here.

The closing crew – Russo, Hogg, Dana, Campbell, Ramy, Charlotte from Math Rot. I definitely forgot at least 2 people here.

Caitlin – For taking Charlotte to urgent care when Charlotte broke her finger AGAIN. (frowny face.)

Campbell – The GWG in the All-Star Game, after having to chug 2 Clawmines he knocked over.

Cherie put up 89mph and Gabe put up 94mph in the hardest shot competition. And to Rich for stealing a radar gun.

That’s all folks. Actually, one more thing. This was easily the photo of the day:

See you next year.